I live in a "suburb" I guess, technically... of the proper town of Saratoga Springs. There are still woods everywhere pretty wild and dense. I glanced out the kitchen window this morning and saw a deer and a faun. The mom was happily munching on the fuchsia and white geranium flowers. I ran upstairs to grab my phone to take a photo. I thought it was pretty cool and cute until the mother deer was joined by another full grown deer and they proceeded to eat ALL the flowers on the potted patio plants. Yikes... I had to dash out and chase them off.
Anyway this got me out the house and noticing that things needed deadheading and watering. Nice, thank you dear deer! Gobble gobble... I've heard it before a gobbling noise... noises are like smells very hard to describe but a turkey type noise is common enough, right? In the past I would search the woodland floors to spy a turkey. I've seen them around here before. I didn't find one and just figured it must be very well camouflaged. I happened to mention it to Chris who laughed and said that was the gobbling crow. Apparently crows enjoy mimicking other creatures. I had no idea it could be so realistic. Well... there he/she crow was again this morning carrying on as if were a turkey. Messages there? Who knows... fall is coming... ?
Anyhow, that's all... boring I know but I liked the title... gobbling crow. Perhaps something more profound will come to mind later, or not... =)
I grew up Catholic, like strict Latin Mass every day wearing a veil and a pleated plaid skirt on my knees Catholic. I don't remember personal care ever being a topic of conversation... other than take a shower and brush your teeth daily. Nothing further on how to respect or pamper or even be aware of the physical being. I do remember a brief bit on how to deal with my menstrual cycle... that's it. No worries, my Mother probably didn't receive any info to pass along...
Somewhere around the ripe old age of seven or eight I discovered orgasms. How did that happen, you ask? Quite accidentally during a forced "stay in bed until we get up" Sunday morning and while pretending to be the woman being sawed in half at the haunted house at Elitch Gardens amusement park. I happily enjoyed masturbation frequently, very frequently, until I found out it was a deadly sin when I was in a high school Ethics course. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.
Anyway... I'm wandering around the point... just to illustrate the level of my own personal body connection disfunctionality. (no hyphen, new word, because I said so) Also to be certain you understand the level of my insight is about a 2 on a scale of 1-100. Ok, disclaimer complete...
In my late twenties I had the excellent honor to be part of a Native American community that was much more tuned into body/mind/spirit integration and care. (Interesting side note, the word "care" is very negative in it's first 8 listed definitions... I should say the NOUN is very negative. The verb is OK.) It's a moon cycle not a menstrual period and you become a wise woman when you are menopausal... WHAY more friendly and optimistic. I also learned about my internal council. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. I've listened and the number of internal voices is definitely more than the stereo typical angel and devil. There's a whole rowdy crowd in there. The Native Americans call it an "Inner Council" and over the years I've used a way of journalling to bring all the crazy conversations to the forefront and begin to establish some working relationships ner I say alignment...?! (knock knock)
Anywho... it's come to my notice that the "BODY is a major part of the council... very soft spoken and unassuming in it's word communications. I gardened like crazy yesterday... beautiful results but stiff limbs. This morning I spent 10 minutes stretching... but I resisted it mightily. SO... bottom line, to the quick of it... I need to set a time for a journalling session where I specifically open up lines of communication with the body and discover the source of this silly resistance... =) That's it!
I hear they are making another Karate Kid movie. I just looked it up on Wiki and the original was released in 1984. Wow... that means I was a freshman in college when I went to see it. I would have guessed it came out earlier, when I was younger! Do they still make meaningful, inspirational block buster type movies? I don't think I've seen one since Avatar... any way...
Many of us will remember the whole wax on wax off exercise, especially all the awesome classic cars. If you're too young, Google it! (Did I just say that?!) I guess the fucking reality of progress not perfection and/or practice and peeling onions has been around for awhile. Imagine that! And thank God I'm only 50 something and I may just now be figuring it out. I say "may" so as not to antagonize the Gods. There's also no wood handy to knock on...
Anyhow, for the moment anyway, I seem to be finally able to stop resisting (knock, knock) simple repetitive tasks. The book I'm reading has definitely helped (Peace in Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh) . You can be aware, serene, peaceful and meditative in ANYTHING you are doing. This is the great equalizer, isn't it. (That is a whole separate post!) There's so much to notice and acknowledge and appreciate in every fucking awesome moment that with the right frame of mind and a bit of mind control we could all be happy. Shit that in a pile!
I may be on to something here... track with me for a moment... So, if I can pay attention and with gratitude and awareness accomplish any task happily... wait, no, that's too easy! (LOVE IT!! I love paradox... I ALWAYS know I'm onto something good when paradox pops up.) So, back to the thought yes... easy AND hard! You have to be aware number one.. that's no churned butter. You have to be able to maintain focus on the actual task that is also herculean. Finally you have to manage the fucking monkeys or squirrels or whatever you call the madness that are thoughts in your head. You have to keep those monkeys on task and thinking happy thoughts... So suddenly it seems impossible rather than easy. However, it is worth it.
Case in point... the hell I went through recently has passed (knock knock) and a shining, wonderfully delightful and tasty milestone of collaboration and and actual project satisfaction has been attained. Wax On... and Off and On and Off again many times for that one! As much as I hate to admit it, the distasteful painful process (I STILL don't buy that there is no gain w/o pain) did yield a bushel of fruit. Aside from the momentary collapse into utter bliss... I learned a lot about myself in the business world and experiencing emotions... of all sorts. I also know now, without doubt that I am an excellent organizer of things and data and people. This is a great and noble skill as well as being valuable, useful and somewhat rare. I also am a pretty excellent communicator, fearless-ish and getting better every day. That is, perhaps, an even more rare talent set.
while I'm frustrated
I am also rewarded,
while I am stuck and mucky
the sun shines
bogged down and
lifted up at once
circling as I move
forward & back
who I am...
and how to be here
This is the advice of Thich Nhat Hanh in "Peace is Every Step The Path to Mindfulness in Everyday Life." I guess that's easy enough to remember and now I have a couple post it notes splattered around to remind me. It is not very helpful in informing actions, really. There are some great steps to coping with emotions.
I've always been a very impulsive sort. Now, to be OH so IN... I'm living in "the moment"! Not the planning kind, at least in terms of my longer term future. No white picket fence or husband with children even crossed my mind. I didn't consider whether to be a vet or a biologist or a poet or a journalist. I just never thought about any of that. (It's funny, I did think about writing a book about all the millions of career options at one point.) There never seemed to be a choice... it was business then work and work and work and work with occasional romantic interludes. I've taken a total of one true vacation my entire life Sept 2001 I went to France for a month. Every other vacation was mostly go visit family in CO... Oh, I take that back, Chris and I went to Costa Rica for a few weeks and we did go camping on Lake George for one night last summer.
I'm not complaining or feeling bad for myself, mind you. Depending on your definition of vacation... I enjoy where I go and what I do. For decades I traveled all over the country by land and by air. No complaints. I guess it's just a middle age crisis. I may actually choose to pursue something as if I was 21 again... like from scratch... only now I have a 52 year old body tagging along. Perhaps it's teenage angst that I'm feeling? Rebellion and frustration at having to choose and I can't picture myself really happy enjoying any one thing for very long... at all. I think menopause is just a name for puberty when you're fifty.
So the standard book definitions of puberty and menopause are strictly related to menstruation. A woefully inadequate expression of what the words normally mean in common speak. I could say that the best most confident and carefree days were "pre-menstruation" and perhaps a more fun way to look at middle age is "post-menstruation" and a return to the carefree energetic carefree times. Menstruation brought self consciousness at a new level... the odd body that was no longer mine. All sorts of oddness came along with it, a body image weird responsibilities and rituals... I never wanted and never wanted children.
OK... so new thought I am free to return to the pre-menstruation state of mind. Pre smoking, pre drinking, pre eating too much... I think I rode bikes and read books and hid from my family mostly. Sounds like a plan. I'm pretty sure I believed in leprechauns, I wrote in my diary and played in the sandbox. It sounds better and better!
It does feel like applying the brakes and moving thru more than breaking a bond as in breakthrough. Curious how words and our auto associations work, Eay?
When did I discover Runes? It would have to have been, probably, at the CO Renaissance fair. I used to go every summer, no matter what. I had no idea how fabulous the grounds were/are and how lucky I was to have such a diverse and well attended festival so close. Festival LINK!
Anyhow... Runes are... wiki link... a Norse alphabet apparently but they are images on stones or pebbles that are used for divination and guidance. There are so many different books, my favorite battered and well loved version is published or was, by St. Martin's press The Book of Runes, Tenth Anniversary Edition, commentary by Ralph Blum, 1993. I pulled Hagaz yesterday... HOPE... breakthrough, transformation... "because the timing is right the outcome is assured although not, from the present vantage point, predictable..."
Yikes I just hit a major side tracked moment... LOVE IT!! I now have images of all the runes in the style/font of the one above... NICE!! I keep remembering how much I love graphic art. Next profession will have to involve more creative ventures like writing, photography and art/design.
Today I pulled Laguz... FLOW and Humor! =) "unseen powers are active here, powers that nourish, shape and connect... the attributes of this Rune are water, fluidity, the ebb and flow of EMOTIONS, careers, relationships... " Yeah, got that right! Whoot Whoot... there's more goodness to communicate about this Rune, but I've run out of time for today. Look it up or BETTER YET... pull your own Rune for the day! =)
If Chris accuses me of something I didn't do... I respond and get angry. Cause and Effect are pretty clear in this case and no mystery or puzzle is involved. Of course I can choose the intensity of my reaction, not react at all... speak - don't speak, take responsibility or not, a thousand shades of grey.
Lately my experience of emotions is more like being pinched in a crowd. You feel the pinch. You spin and search for the source of the nip. Occasionally the culprit comes clean but more often you're left wondering and on guard against being pinched again. WTF! So I may wake up in the morning with an anxious feeling in my stomach or get a rush of heat or intensity while sitting in a meeting or talking with someone. There's a feeling there but just like the crowd pinch the precise cause/effect relationship completely escapes me.
I've had various wise and experienced folks advise me to "take a moment."
Go inside and feel the feeling, don't shut it down or be fearful. Ask yourself quietly where it comes from and/or what it's about. Let it reveal it'self. Just speaking purely from reality... it's difficult to make time for that. And honestly I haven't had much success with deciphering anything useful. Good grief! The pinching rascal has ducked out of sight and moved on.
I'm constantly reminded of that character played by Peter MacNicol on the old Ally McBeal TV series who was constantly "Taking a moment." It was funny and annoying but I had no idea how brave and insightful that was.
All I can muster the gumption to do in the moment is PAUSE and NOT SAY ANYTHING. I observe and just keep my mouth shut. I don't ask myself anything I just sincerely try to avoid putting my foot in my mouth by saying something outrageous. Hey, that's a start. That's where I'm at with this anyhow. Who fucking knew emotions would be so difficult to ferret out and deal with! Shit!
Note: I am on the look out for a good replacement for the word Fuck. After my recent memory trip regarding my Grandparents... if they are watching I have a feeling the cursing is not something they approve of. Although I also imagine in heaven or wherever they are it probably doesn't matter a bit one way or the other. Any how, I am interested in at least exploring some options. FYI.
I used to hate commuting to work. It was wasted time between space, from here to there always in a hurry. Especially when I lived in LA the traffic is horrible all the time everywhere basically... it sucked. Even a short 5 mile commute from a Venice Beach neighborhood to Santa Monica was plagued by PCH backups. Later driving from Long Beach to Santa Monica even with my newly purchased "commuter lane" approved Prius it sucked... not a fan of "THE 405"... they predicate all highways with a "the" in LA because they are a basically members of the family... "how was the 405 today?" "Backed up between the airport and the Santa Monica FW... " "Again... yep..." blah blah...
The best commute ever was from my place on the boardwalk in Venice to Santa Monica... beach bikeways & the SM pier overpass are only crowded on weekends! Any who... I'm reminiscing again... apparently I'm in that mode. The point is I'm commuting now from Saratoga Springs to, our fair capital city, Albany. Not bad really... no REALLY.. compared to the 405 it's a luscious piece of Tiramisu! There's one little section that's a bottleneck near the twin bridges over the Hudson River... otherwise unless there's some sort of emergency situation it's pretty smooth sailing... about a 30-40 minute affair. SO>>> the point is I've eased the passage of time by listening to a book on Audibles. I listened over and over to the book of Joy... now I'm listening again to Becoming Wise. It's funny how you have to be in the right mood for some books. I didn't enjoy listening to it the first time.. the language and ideas were a bit overwhelming and felt untouchable. Now... for whatever reason I'm inspired.
Yep, so there's a chapter on hope and some thought provoking - eye opening observations worth sharing and that I would consider worth remembering and further exploring... =) a distinction... hope vs optimism... I hadn't considered before.
"Hope is a cognitive, behavioral process that we learn when we experience adversity, when we have relationships that are trustworthy, when people have faith in our ability to get out of a jam." (page 250)
HOPE IS BROKENHEARTED ON THE WAY TO BECOMING WHOLEHEARTED.
HOPE IS A FUNCTION OF STRUGGLE.
The next paragraph goes on to describe the process, I've just noticed as well, regarding remembering and relearning things we have already been through before... and, in my case, written about in poetry or journals. "There is another way to talk about the move from intelligence to wisdom - seeing basic realities again, finally, but for the first time with consciousness: evolution reflecting back on itself."
The most fun section helped me learn about life... myself reflecting back and beginning to become less resistant... everything involves struggle or bad times or waves, as I would say, of disturbance... the fact that I am persistent has been a golden light. She calls this resilience...
"Resilience is a successor to mere progress, a companion to sustainability. It acknowledges from the outset that THINGS WILL GO WRONG. All of our solutions will eventually outlive their usefulness. WE WILL MAKE MESSES, and disruption we do not cause or predict will land on us. THIS IS THE DRAMA OF BEING ALIVE... It's a shift from wish-based optimism to reality-based hope. It's akin to meaningful, sustained happiness - not dependent on a state of perfection or permanent satisfaction, but a way of being that can meet the range of emotions and experiences, light and dark, that add up to life. Resilience doesn't overcome failure so much as transmute it (gracefully), integrating it into the reality that evolves (life)."
I paraphrased a bit... there was another quote at some point that struck me...
"We are not here to save the world we're here to live in it Fierce and humble..." Courtney Martin. I'll have to find the exact quote... it was stupendous! I've got to run.
Still miss you guys! Damn! And, I was thinking maybe I'll cut back on the swearing. Gram wouldn't approve... AT ALL! "it's unladylike."
The house I grew up in is for sale. Wow. My mother and step Father have moved to their new digs in Longmont. The old place went on the market officially yesterday - open house this weekend... 825 W. 7th Ave. Dr. Broomfield, CO 80020. Yikes, that was the first address I ever memorized. I walked to kindergarten and walked home to this house for lunch every day. My Grandmother made snow bunnies and men and women in the yard here. There was a view when the trees were smaller and a short fence with her rose garden.
The utility room was Grandpa's workshop and used to have Grandma's kiln and china painting supplies. The "red room" hasn't been red for a long time and the space under the stairs isn't a mystical, secret hiding space any longer. The piano that was upstairs along with the old console record player hasn't been present or heard in a long time... except in my mind. The Aloha Hawaii Reader's Digest collection still plays in my memory (Tiny bubbles!) as I play dress up and barbie dolls with Carol from down the street. And Grandma plays piano and the two of them sip champagne as they put up the Christmas tree. OMG!
I can picture Grandpa shaving and brushing his teeth at the downstairs bathroom sink. I used to sleep in one of the twin beds in the front bedroom upstairs the one with the really weird red pointy pendant light. And I would run up an down the hill and hide and play. I crashed my trike and skinned my knee for the first time on that street and watched the birds and squirrels from the kitchen window. There was always African violets and the downstairs fire place going in winter and corned beef hash from the can or Lipton chicken noodle soup from the package! I could have died when I was blown off the slide at Kohl elementary and Grandma came to rescue me. I could go on and on and it was only me and them... no one else around to reminisce about these things...
I'm all choked up for Pete's sake good grief! I didn't realize how poignant it was until I started tripping down memory lane... shit! Well there it is.. times change and we all move on. They bought the house new in the 60's. Wow! Miss you Grandma and Grandpa... miss you guys a REALLY LOT!
David Whyte - Facebook Post July 18th
"is the deepest form of care, for another, for the world, for the self, for a life, for the body, for a family and for all our ideals, all vulnerable and all, possibly about to be hurt.
Stripped of physical imprisonment and violent reaction, anger points toward the purest form of compassion, the internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.
What we usually call anger is only what is left of its essence when it reaches the lost surface of our mind or our body’s incapacity to hold it, or the limits of our understanding. What we name as anger is actually only the incoherent physical incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies or our mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being.
What we have named as anger on the surface is the violent outer response to our own inner powerlessness, a powerlessness connected to such a profound sense of rawness and care that it can find no proper outer body or identity or voice, or way of life to hold it.
What we call anger is often simply the unwillingness to live the full measure of our fears or of our not knowing, in the face of our love for a wife, in the depth of our caring for a son, in our wanting the best, in the face of simply being alive and loving those with whom we live.
Our anger breaks to the surface most often through our feeling there is something profoundly wrong with this powerlessness and vulnerability; anger too often finds its voice strangely, through our incoherence and through our inability to speak, but anger in its pure state is the measure of the way we are implicated in the world and made vulnerable through love in all its specifics: a daughter, a house, a family, an enterprise, a land or a colleague."
It goes on... and I love it. What a unique and fabulous different way to consider the anger that I've been feeling so often lately. Thanks David Whyte! www.davidwhyte.com! He also posts amazing photos... I guess he is the photographer! Awesome!
SELF-PORTRAIT - David Whyte
It doesn’t interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
if you can know despair or see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes,
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living,
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
or the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have heard, in that fierce embrace,
even the gods speak of God.
Or maybe I should call it a sucker punch to the gut. It's the weirdest thing ever! I didn't sleep well again last night. Thoughts spinning, sure, but physical "intensity" "tenseness." (I didn't know that was a word.}
I'm attributing it to emotional responses to a work situation. Maybe that's wrong? Maybe it's totally unrelated and merely a physical response to something else entirely? WTF!?
That possibility didn't dawn on me until just this instant... that the two things may be completely unrelated... Let me play with that idea for a bit and check that out.
I'm going "in" folks. Wish me luck. Hopefully I won't get trampled by all the bat shit crazy squirrels running a muck in there!
I noticed yesterday that the fact that I had two years smober overshadowed (in a brilliantly awesome way) everything that happened or might happen yesterday. In other words as I went about my day and had a few interesting and potentially dire & stressful things on the horizon... the remembering that it's a special day to celebrate assisted in cruising right through the day. Somehow providing an instant "attitude adjustment."
A similar thing happens when I work out in the morning. For the rest of the day I have that "win" in my YOU ROCK column. Focusing on that for a moment makes me breathe and actually feel lifted and lighter. It literally removes some of the shadow of dread from whatever I happen to be ominously shuddersome about at the moment.
Is this a minor breakthrough and awareness of the amazingly obvious? Sweet! It's similar to remembering to feel grateful... but has a different energy. Gratitude is somewhat "humblie..." (yes my own new word) feeling... Celebration feels delightful, proud, satisfying and congratulatory rather than modest and quiet, abject and submissive.
Both are cool, don't get me wrong... it's not an either or thing at all. I'm just noticing how awesome celebrating feels. For the first fucking time? WTF!? Like really!
SO>>>> I'm pretty sure I can come up with something DAILY to
MAKE MERRY about...
BEAT THE DRUM... about
LET LOOSE and LIVE IT UP about...
MOST Excellent insight! Thanks!
"Worry is like a rocking chair. It uses up all your energy, but where does it get you?" Bob Gass
I had the gift of being raised by my grandparents until about the age of seven. Grandma was loving and supportive, positive, creative and wise. She was also a worry wort. It's in my DNA and my early environment. It's one more thing to pay attention to... and just say to myself... "Thanks for sharing... and choose another thought.
I believe we all have very sophisticated, advanced and beyond just instinctual on the physical level guidance systems. There's way more than flight or fight going on under this hood... astonishing and breathtaking. The trick is remembering and making a practice of fucking tuning in and following thru.
I've just come through some challenging times emotionally... well it's all emotional isn't it. IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE you are NOT OK! For god sake people if you're NOT OK... IT's OK!
I need to stop pretending that everything is OK or that it will be OK... maybe not! or fucking definitely not! If I don't acknowledge the facts and be HONEST how the hell am I suppose to really navigate the situation.
Seriously... it seems so simple but apparently it's NOT! We are conditioned so intensely to PRETEND "we got this..." not to show any flinching or vulnerability... NOT to ask for help or be frank and radically honest it's CRAZY, DEMENTED, DERANGED, DIPPY... INSANE, FRUITY, FLAKY - MANIACAL - Hey but still we fucking do it... at least I do all day every fucking day! YES FUCKING! SHIT!
How to get down and tell the truth? I have no idea other than constantly be OK with being UNCOMFORTABLE and PAUSING thoughtfully all the time... like before I say or do ANYTHING... ALL the time! SHIT! Not kidding here folks... it's funny but NOT.
I have this fabulous, amazing, UNBELIEVABLE, marvelous, PRIMO, top drawer, MIND-BLOWING internal guidance system available always all the time. Generally, in my experience it actually pretty much knows what to do in every situation and things largely turn out ok when I listen. There are times when I'm baffled by multiple choices... I think that's just a matter of practice and if I ask the specific question... which option is better... I've frequently heard... in a frank matter of fact tone... "It doesn't matter..."
So there you have it. The sooner I stop pretending, get honest and tune in and follow through with inner guidance tips and tricks the better off I will be!
Remember... new mantras...
I've created a mystical, magical creature who is golden and beautiful, unique and impervious, brilliant and impenetrable. This being knows things and understands and can communicate with spirits and energies and worlds and lifetimes. She is all knowing and all innocent naivety. She can bend time and see the future - arrows bounce off and the natural laws and much "human" wisdom does not apply. She knows best and can listen. Moving at the speed of light, too fast for this world, then too slow. She is the paradox in all and nothing. As walls tumble and worlds come crashing and everything that was known is unknown and seemingly unknowable... there is only plodding along - stay awake - and ask for help. Visions come and go we will see - time will tell - who it is that is left in the end.
"A thought which does not result in an action is nothing much, and an action which does not proceed from a thought is nothing at all." George Bernanos
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the
doorsill where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.
"The worst thing that one can do is not try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing." David Viscott
"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." Wayne Dyer
Interesting random quotes for the day. I was tempted to put them back and pick "better ones." What that means I'm not sure exactly. I was just reading a multipotentialite article on Puttylike.com and the first quote came in handy. I never comment on things but I feel safe on that site for some reason. Nice! That's a good feeling.
I don't feel like entering a laundry list of what I did and didn't do yesterday. suffice it to say that numerous items were checked off and I'm back here today. I can't believe it's Wednesday already, shit! I'm reaching inside today, deep inside and asking for help on the project. I need to feel good that I'm doing the best things and doing my best at them for the overall good of the project. It's hard to tell right now.
Today is a busy one... coaching, mentoring, being mentored, work, work, work, a Jeep checkup and dinner later at Lake George Club. Life is rough... what can I say? I'm CRAZY GRATEFUL! That's it!
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." Emerson
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." Twain
"If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, un-forgiveness, selfishness and fears." Glenn Clark
Wow, getting back to the business of living some sort of routine - good routines. The experiment that is mentioned in the first quote... Ho! I gave myself permission to be obsessed with the GS project for a short time. Didn't work out. I'm now officially used to being semi-retired. I am not interested in being consumed with work 24/7. I got the message loud and clear that healthy daily routines are required. I'm starting here...
I am declaring that yesterday 7-17-17 was a turning point, a tipping point, a shift in my body- mind- spirit- experience. My internal thought exercises are pretty simple and focused.
I was just foiled again... I think I may not be able to rely on the network here at Starbucks any longer. It blinked out and here I am - everything I just wrote for the last hour gone. That's the second time in a week or so. FUCK - FUCK - FUCK... I'm not nearly as nice and forgiving this time... FUCK!!!
So I'm done... I was done. I was just about to add the photos/images...FUCK!
BREATH... OK... so here we go again... in a nut shell I was listening to On Being... an episode called "First Aide for the Spiritual Seeks" interviewing Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavie... he's created what he's branded as: "a POP UP SYNAGOGUE - Everybody - Friendly, ARTIST DRIVEN, GOD - Optional."
I was listening to this on the way to the 8 am Big Book meeting and the text we read was a God Wink for me... pg xvii "AA is not a religious organization... we cooperate widely... we are an accurate cross section of America... Join us on a new road to freedom." pg xxiii "We are people who normally would not mix." a reference to pg 17 where my favorite analogy is laid out... we are a random group of survivors on a life boat with the sinking cruise ship in the background.
Two observations: First: I'm grateful for the founders of AA, for their foresight and wisdom. The religious leaders around the world are just now figuring out they need to be flexible and inclusive... I'm grateful after searching for 30 years that I found a sane community full of fabulous individuals who acknowledged straight away they are insane! Paradox baby!
Secondly... I appreciate the continuity of the radio show topic and the meeting and an overall feeling that the cloud has lifted and I'm back in the flow...
Until I fucking lost the whole entry due to a network glitch!! No, I'm back, I'm fine... happy, breathing, awake and God optional! I like that the symbol for Paradox an impossible triangle is the same as the symbol for AA... a triangle. Whoot, Whoot... Onward & Upward!
Great book title, don't you think!?
I've just come through a very crazy, depressing, angry space in time. I'm thrashing around playing with ways to clearly communicate it postmortem. I flinch a bit to say postmortem just in case I jinx things and it's not quite done.
I believe in the onion, the necessity to peel it, layer by layer. As much as I find myself hating the concept, there is no denying that there is no conclusion to and no endpoint, until death of course. We are constantly uncovering, learning, revealing, discovering things about ourselves, the planet and our fellow earth mates. I guess it's not a horrible design... if we ever actually arrived we'd be bored.
The wave is another concept I believe in. I'm not certain how far it goes or how it impacts specifically but the overall affect is easily observable. Like the ocean but different, slower or faster depending on the behavior or energies. For example... at the Secret Garden Tour and in retail in general... people came in waves... a large number... a waning then waxing number again. My emotions go in waves as well. Blame it on the moon and our % of H2O, whatever... This last wave was no fucking fun at all. It sucked!
For months now I've been working on a tech project that has had my head in a spin. It didn't help that I was also working on other clients and volunteer projects... and a new Sponsee and finding a mentor, coping with a seriously ill pet, a pending court date (for speeding) and never underestimate the power of the State of New York Health not to mention figuring out exercises that work and food choices that make me feel good. Lots of shit going on... a veritable emotional "Vortex" - NO SHIT! Coming from a person with an emotional maturity of about 3 years old... Vortex, No shit...
A co-worker came up with the word to describe it and actually that was the word that pulled me out. OMG - seriously folks... I COULD NOT SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES! I knew there was something seriously amiss... I had frequent sensations like a huge pit in my stomach. Being punched in the stomach or having my guts twisted by the hand of an invisible force. (I described it in previous blog entries...) What a perfect word to describe what had happened and it was spinning faster and more and more out of control. Holy Fucking Shit! Is that an acronym already? HFS, if not it should be...
It was a HUGE learning opportunity... and seriously very ironic that I received my new license plate "AWAKE" right in the midst of the madness. I was so stressed out I was waking up with a shock every morning. When I did sleep it was riddled with crazy, frantic, frenzied hysteria... completely out of control. THAT SUCKED! I was having to talk myself off a cliff every fucking morning. Over the July 4th holiday I had four days in a row to finally focus, without another client or loads of other stuff on my mind. FINALLY... I began to see the shadows of trees and trunks all around me. No clarity just yet but at least I had a fucking inkling that there was a fucking forest! HFS!
How do sober people deal with this shit? How do normal parents teach there children what the fuck to do with insane anger, stress, and over the top emotional responses? Obviously I have no clue, on the later question. ON the former... a network, being honest and hanging in there with your inner higher power... checking in, not checking out! SHIT! Easier said than done. HOLD ON... I do picture a tornado that's what it felt like a huge spinning force of nature that I was so much into I couldn't see my way out of.
I woke up, I set boundaries... I had conversations... I swallowed my pride (that was no problem!) I recognized my limitations and gratefully negotiated a new situation that, for now at least, is a MILLION times more workable. HFS... OMG. There's more I can and will write but not right now... =) for now, this is enough! I survived the storm and I'm better for it.
This is my third year being a captain at the annual Secret Garden Tour. Our organization the Soroptimists hosts this fund raising event each year. It's quite a production to recruit, prepare the gardeners and the captains and hostesses not to mention the ticket creation and sales... other fund raising and fun events at Sunnyside Gardens and Northshire Bookstore to promote the event. Anyhow... it's fun and the day is here.
I am assigned to 28 MacArthur Ave. Saratoga Springs. A wonderful, truly secret garden. You would never imagine from driving by the wealth of wonderful and somewhat exotic plants that call this garden home. What fun!
It's on from 11 am to 5 pm so I have a full day of hanging out and talking plants! =)
I've been waking up with dread and a nasty "pit in my stomach" for about a week now. This is a daily experience I can surely do without. Now what there is... to figure out how. Surely there are choices in there somewhere. choices I'm making that I could make differently if I only knew. An attitude adjustment, a fresh perspective, an enlightened point of view... maybe a shift in focus or a bit of tough love?
I'm working on a project and the tasks seem impossible. They are certainly overwhelming given the time frame and resources. The pit comes from wondering if I'm doing enough? Could or should I be doing something different? Should I recommend a different course of action? What will happen when various events become evident? While I dig into the moment in an attempt to just "get 'er done" I have haunting doubts and questions. I'm not certain I'm expressing my concerns effectively.
So there is now a personal experience with a haunting feeling of dread. Something more I can express and know how it feels. That's my bright side for the moment... a learning opportunity... I'll take what I can get!
Writing about something is the only way I know of to talk myself of a ledge (so to speak). Frequently I feel better, magically, without coming to any specific resolution or decision. So it is... this time again. Thank heavens!
Our precious guinea pig, Snickers, is also deathly ill and occasionally I hear her little pain riddled squeals and squeaks. The gravity or lack of shows up and I decide I can muster on, ask for help and just do the next right thing as it is presented.
Wow... I just typed for about an hour... and LOST IT! Apparently all the shit I just typed wasn't meant to be available for public consumption... let's see what I remember... I'm going to be exceedingly brief and to the point this time!
That is all...
Chris got amazing tickets to Dead & Company at SPAC this last Tuesday night. As part of our VIP, Premier package we received "PIT PASSES" A black "paper" bracelet that was installed on my right wrist. OK so now, a couple of days later it doesn't seem like such a big deal but in that moment, for that evening it was HEAVEN. I was able to move amongst the crowds of people with freedom. There were at least 5 check points between the bathrooms and concessions and the "Pit." At each point, while others had to show their tickets and pause for the attendant to decipher their validity... I raised my right hand, flashed my bracelet and moved forward unobstructed. It WAS FUCKING AWESOME!! I will remember this experience and use it as an analogy for FREEDOM in the future! I'm am quite certain there are any number of situations where I can wish for a "PIT Pass" in life. Hey, at least I have a dream!!
Since my "breakthrough" a couple of weeks ago I've been playing with and paying attention to what I eat, when and what's going on... like "WHY am I eating this now?" I am such a big fan of asking questions... open and honest questions without judgement or fixing... ;-)
Am I hungry?
How hungry am I?
What does it feel like... ?
Am I REALLY hungry?
Do I feel like eating something in particular?
I'm going for more peanuts... wow, what's up with that? The crunch? the salt... is this gluttony?
"Viewing this meal as medicine. I shall enjoy it without GREED or ANGER..
Not out of GLUTTONY nor out of PRIDE. Not to fatten myself but only to NOURISH my BODY."
This Buddhist Tibetan prayer from The Book of Joy got me thinking... was a catalyst to a conversation and awareness about what I am thinking about when I eat.
I modified the prayer as follows... "Viewing food as medicine. I shall enjoy it without DESPERATION or SCARCITY. Not as a REWARD or REMUNERATION or OBESSSION... but only to NOURISH my body. Imagine that!! =)
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!