Funky-FREAK

I'm normally so optimistic and upbeat it's so bizarre and uncomfortable when I go through a cycle of dark days. It's also such a huge shot of adrenaline to come out the other side grateful and astonished and full of wonder. I am still remembering it is natural and routine to continue to peal away layers and go through rhythms of waves... The waves and rhythms are slightly different each time so I still don't fucking realize that's what happened until, like now... it's over and passed or past. I've popped to the surface a bit breathless but alive and well and ultimately better off for having the experience.

It's only useful to write about it as a way of cleansing and putting it in perspective and I continue to hope that, perhaps, it might help me recognize what's happening more quickly next time.

The first clue I had was waves and waves of self destructive, denigrating, extremely paranoid and believable thoughts about myself. I called my skills, my relationships, my experience, my sanity into question. It was a long dark lonely week. Freakish and fucking FUNKY! What saved me was #1 my awareness that the shit hit the fan and the thoughts were out of control... and #2 ASKING for help! Since I wasn't writing at the time I especially needed the calm and sane ear to turn to to listen and reflect and ask intelligent questions. 

It's a relief and also annoying to sit here now realizing that the hell I put myself through was, of course, completely self created and totally avoidable. Enough tear down, we're here now, and I will be writing more often again. Shit, how the fuck do I keep forgetting this??!!

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