Holiday Feelings...?

Each year my questioning seems to grow with no real answers or resolution. What the fuck are holiday feelings suppose to feel like? So far I know about this... for me:

• Music: Bing Crosby - Nat King Cole - Michael Buble style holiday music is a great back ground mood enhancer
• Cards: Sending them, I personally still enjoy this regardless of who chooses to return the favor... getting cards is nice, too.
• Gifts: buying them, wrapping them and checking out what's wrapped with my name under the tree... wondering is fun - lately not much of that, my life is a gift after gift after gift!
• Decorations: Speaking of "under the tree" there decorations provide little reminders of the season. I've shifted from all out bowl you over to very subtle, tasteful and discrete. 
• Decorations Part 2: The "tree" a separate subset of holiday decor: With all the busy-ness this year we opted to skip the tree... that does make a difference in the vibe... I've noticed real or artificial... the ritual of turning the lights on and off, putting presents under, etc. I don't miss the decorating or putting the ornaments away after.
• Food - with my recent realizations and freedom with my new food plan I'm extra picky about what makes even the feast day lists. I just played with boxed cake mix and prepared frosting... icky! 
  • the stand by onion dip and ruffles
  • stuffed mushrooms (bacon/cream cheese/green onions/walnuts)
  • prime rib
  • fondue
  • crab legs
  • cookies... I need to pick from my holiday list a make a couple favorites cherry winks maybe... it's the SMELL of baking that adds to the vibe more than the actual eating at this point.
• Smells: I'm doing them separate... I just mentioned cooking smells but there is also spruce or pine... cinnamon... and other related fabulous holiday smellilicious flavors. 
• Weather: A "white Christmas" is unreliable... we got six inches yesterday and I just love it, whenever it shows up. It does add a sense of coziness and something, something holiday-ish.

What you may notice is missing from my list is anything to do with family or community in general. I have never relied or been drawn to create or participate in any type of gathering.  I usually go because it's expected, if at all. 

I've been grasping for a happy holiday feeling, even thinking way back to holidays when I was young. There was frequently some level of discomfort and underlying tension. The fact that family members don't all get along is fucking intensely obvious and raw. Since I've stopped drinking, powering through social gatherings is usually a chore. If there are people that I see only once per year that I respect and care about, that's great and nice... but I don't like to "vie" for their attention or try to share a conversation... I HATE small talk! I guess I need practice still, talking to more than one person at a time. See previous blog entries... 

To make it more palatable and fun I may have to start taking my camera again to entertain myself and feel a tiny bit useful.  I've tried to pass the time and fit in by helping clean up and been discouraged or flatly denied... odd... 

So this is all feels a bit sad I guess and depressing a little. But not really, for me it's just the way it is. It's nice to get clarity around my expectations and be aware of the source and actual level of merriment-i-tude.  I am, then, again, as usual, alone in my experience and the power to create and enjoy it.

Take Aways:
Enjoy the music, decor, cooking, cards, food, smells & gifts to the fullest =)
Bring the camera to all gatherings
I just realized I didn't even mention church or Christ's birth... not a factor, see previous post on My Creed... and Happy Hanukkha 

PS. All loving acts of service, giving and fellowship are things I create day by day all year long. 

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