October, 13th, Friday

The spookiest day of the spookiest month, 2017. A day to remember like July 25, 2015 and April 14, 2014? The day a struggle rests or surrender truly begins. There's an odd quietness about it. No fanfare or celebration just a simple knowing that perhaps, finally, that phase is complete and a new beginning has commenced. "But it's early and I may be premature" the voice whispers... "Time will tell." 

I met with Dr. Matt yesterday. A reboot - again - on my wellness plan. I took my bike for a ride up and down a few steep hills and I fucking made it. Panting hard but I made it with joy, belting out songs from Fiddler on the Roof and West Side Story. Maybe I'll just be the "Euphonious Biker!" 

Friday the 13th...
Something clicks
or snaps closed
The light from that other room
has ceased
The door, where it was
a wall
There is no going back
I can no longer
get there from here

It's what I prayed for
wished for, created
Freedom from what was in that room
the indecision
internal torture
never ending story
moribund cycle
spitting, gasping, clinging

Not knowing why it stops
or closes or shifts
What removes the space from the room?
There is only persistent
repetitive failing attempts 
and the faith of experience
that one day the space
will return to me
the victory in surrender

The space I'm talking about, there, is the space in my head that is consumed with doubt, fear, self deprecating remarks. What creates the space is somethings else... a thought, a whim, a wish, an old behavior that doesn't work, an automatic something almost under thought somehow.  It's a mindless something that takes over; like just suddenly noticing you've arrived and don't remember how you got there. Or realizing you already bought the liquor and the bottle is poised or the cigarette's in hand with smoke curling. That's why it's so hard to intentionally change it... it's subversive, buried, under ground.  The exact cause is oddly just missing... a time warp.

When that, whatever it is, is gone, there's a vacuum that briefly presents but it's not as intense as I've heard other people describe.. they HAVE TO DO something else, replace IT, find a substitute or surrogate. For me in this moment it's just quiet, serene, new and wonderful. I did experience the physical withdrawals but that was just a joyous reminder that I was free and a curious exploration of physical sensations.  I'm very grateful this is "it" and if not, that's ok too.

The Euphonious Cycler! I like it!
Euphonious: adjective; pleasant in sound; agreeable to the ear; characterized by euphony: a sweet, euphonious voice.

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