Still Breathing

What seemed so important to write about before has mellowed and faded. I'm still breathing from my belly and feel as though the urge to constantly hold my breath has been lifted. Not quite true... it's subsiding - I still have the muscle memory to hold my breath... tight chest, tight abdomen... but now I'm aware of it and slowly, moment by moment remembering I don't have to hold my breath any longer. That breathtaking (pun pun) revelation is now in the past and I've moved on. I do have another session with April scheduled to continue the application process of whatever emotional laxative we managed to create that day.

In this moment, today, I'm aware for the first time of having the flu... or not. Chris' Mom was deathly ill Sunday night. Violent vomiting and diarrhea as well as fever, chills and abdominal cramps forced Chris to call emergency and landed his Mom in the ER. After some intense self diagnosing... this came up on Google: 

"The bacterial species, Vibrio parahaemolyticus has been associated with consumption of raw or undercooked fish and shellfish, particularly oysters. Infection by these bacteria can cause symptoms including diarrhea, abdominal cramps, nausea, vomiting, headache, fever, and chills."

Sounds right, right?! Wrong... Chris started feeling ill about 3am this morning and he ate no fish at all. So that decidedly makes it a virus, a violent, savage, demonic virus that has my poor Honey in undeniable intestinal and otherwise all over agony for hours now.

So here's the odd part. I feel fine and yet I was compelled to cancel my scheduled work with a client who's moving in today. I actually felt guilty, like I was being dishonest or playing hooky when I texted her. I sat and stared at the text I'd sent "Chris is violently ill this morning. What we thought was food poisoning is apparently a virus. I feel a bit woozy but OK but I would hate to get caught running around (if explosive diarrhea hits). Or expose you. Don't know what to do...."  1 minute pause... next text: "We took his Mom to emergency Sunday night with this thing..."  2 more minutes pass... next text: "You could pick up Val... she could help with the unpacking? I've never seen Chris so miserable (only a slight exaggeration)."

Pam's response within three minutes: "Laurie, you need to take care of you and Chris!! I appreciate your not exposing me. I have dealt with unloading and unpacking. When you are better you can help with what is left."

There is so much for me to "unpack" here on so many levels... I just have to dive in and run with it.

• It never occurred to me to "take care of Chris"... I want to be taken care of when I'm sick but it just didn't dawn on me that he may want or need to be taken care of. Shit, that's a bit tweaked... right?! So I have been taking care of him... cool wash cloths, ice water, emergence - C and mint tea. 
• Ok... take care of me. Double SHIT.... I know I'd lose a few pounds... a comment Chris' Mom made yesterday reminded me how much weight you lose with a nasty flu bug. But listening to Chris moan for hours and run to the bathroom every 15 - 20 minutes... I'd really rather not be that sick, thanks anyway. I'll take my pound a week weight loss, yep, pass on the flu. So what to do? 
• Remedies from the past... oldies but goodies. Mom made this kick ass (literally) green chili, so hot you could barely eat it, whenever anyone got sick when I was a kid. I can totally do that and I did. I've been eating it non stop all morning along with a little bran for good measure. Kill that shit with the fire then move it on it's way on outta there!
• I'm a little amazed at my sense of shame for sending the original text and still tinges of guilt sitting here while Pam is now texting a bit freaked out with where to put all the boxes. I still feel fine. But I know I'm pretty constitutionally tough... I may not get the bug but I could pass it on easily enough and Chris IS REALLY SICK... Anyway an opportunity for me to be mature and clear and concise without guilt. Whether I get sick or not there is a real danger for others and I'm TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for that... for which there is NO GUILT OR SHAME! I'm not skirting work or shirking responsibility, it's quite the opposite!  Weird feelings!
• There is an amazing shift in consciousness and priorities and perspectives and outlooks on life when you're sick or someone you love is sick. Just like those age old sayings about greener grass and you don't miss her till she's gone... makes you wonder if that's what sickness is for... to make us STOP - PAUSE - and appreciate.
• Maybe that's why I don't get sick all that often... I'm already appreciative and pausing!  =)=) KNOCK ON WOOD =)=) (and YES I do believe in that - wood knocking that is... )
• Ok... the last time I was that sick was because of duck eggs. I am deathly allergic, apparently, to duck eggs. I even dosed myself with a very small amount a couple days later just to confirm that that was the source and, yup, that was it. BAD DUCKY! Anyway if I get sick... I get sick. If not, I'm getting a great GUILT FREE few days off, couple days at least. Do I feel a little nauseous? Is that the beginning? Perhaps the next post will be on being a hypochondriac.
• Go Boris... nice quote... =) "We don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. Freedom is like that. It's like air. When you have it you don't notice it." Boris Yeltsin

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