It's faint but the memory is clear, what it was like after I first stopped smoking. There's an odd tender, frail and delicate space while the body - mind - spirit adjusts to a new way of being. For me the lack of a nasty, nagging, incessant, brutish internal dialog tempting me to smoke again was gone. This has become a hallmark for me that a real shift has occurred. It's never been so much about will power... "the obsession is lifted" in AA speak. I have no idea the source of the silence - it's magical and very hard earned at the same time.
My persistence is all I can link to the three experiences I've had to date... alcohol on 4/14/14 - cigarettes on 7/25/15 and food on 10/13/17.
Back to the topic. For the last shift, I am, right now, in the midst of the tender times... There's an awakening on a physical level - BIG TIME - sometimes gradual sometimes abrupt, always curious and interesting. I've finally been able to follow through without the negative talk and internal struggle. The two areas that happened at the same time this time were food and meditating. Perhaps one allowed or supported the other but it doesn't really matter...
Food: the main changes were NO sugar... no starches or grains only veggies and protein. I'm on day thirteen of a 3 month program. I texted a photo of my journal to my wellness coach Dr. Matt Smith on a nightly basis with questions and feedback. I just finished a three day Master Cleanse style (lemon juice/maple syrup) detox. The program includes SIX fucking meals a day. I absolutely hated it at first. I had to just stay home in the mornings to adjust. If I didn't get the first couple of meals in the whole day was more challenging. Trial and error... or play and adjust... it's been interesting. I've had to be flexible and let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions. I've been able to let the experience reveal itself... SLOWLY... (that's another general take away... FUCKING be PATIENT! then be PATIENT SOME MORE... and AGAIN... yes... AND AGAIN.) The physical transformation is ongoing and amazing. I meet with Dr. Matt today to check in on weight, BMI, etc. I don't need him to tell me the changes are very positive. I want to eat well and exercise... WHAT!!?? YES! Shit... this is what I requested. Yeah!!
The delicate days continue and I relish them... "the pink cloud" in AA speak. All wonder and gratitude, fascination and reverence, surprise and curiosity. It is like being reborn... truly. The old, habitual ways seem to drift away or peel off or come away with a good scrub. All that wasn't working is shifted like a mist lifting to reveal a reflection in a BIG bubble... colorful and brilliant, spinning and new, floating and fragile.
Along the same time... I've been participating in a course by Drew Cali on Awakening Your Intuition. He insists, as the only homework, that we complete 15 minutes of a sitting still daily meditation. Sounds easy, right? Not when you have the internal "villainous voice" (I'm naming it... THE VV) constantly making excuses and fighting you tooth and nail. I recently had a break through on that front as well. I have enough meditations to sort through on an app called Insight Timer... it was overwhelming actually. I didn't know what I wanted or what would resonate. I finally came across Opening Your Chakras by DavidJi that was awesome. That led me to use Drew's actual CD. I started to combine the meditation with breathing techniques I learned from David Elliot when I studied with him in LA.
POOF!! Like magic, seriously, no joke! I can't and I'm not going to try to explain what that was like right now. I don't have the words yet. I can say that afterward I felt grounded - solid and lighter and brighter at the same time. AWESOME and WEIRD!
Trekking onward - awe inspired - light and lovingly!
What shall I forgive this day to amuse and delight?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!