March 1st 2001 - 5:30 am

(2-20-01 Hello - Lots has been going on - Wow! Dick and I decided to split. although I'm not joining the Peace Corps, at least not right away, Dick will buy me out of the house anyway. I looked for and found an apartment. It's small - 400 square feet - but the main large window looks right out on the beach. (The picture above I took from my window). Toward the north end of the board walk (Venice Beach). There's one row of buildings between The Ellison and the beach. I'm on the 4th floor. The building is old (built in 1913). It used to be a hotel (and is again... https://theellisonsuites.com/) I moved in on Saturday. I'm settled in except for hanging pictures. Everything fits nicely. It's a cozy wonderful place. No TV!! I have to go through clothing and clean out the closet is jammed. On the business front I've also gone through a lot of changes. All major account management is now my responsibility in addition to the professional services department. ...  (This is where I lived when the 911 terrorist attack happened.)

Big, deep earthquake near Seattle yesterday. Mary Beth may not be able to go home today. She's in Texas on site.
Things are mellowing out here. I went to bed last night at 7:30 and got up at 5:00am great! 10 hours. (Out drinking the night before)... My crazy massage is mellowing. I'm still recovering - my butt and other places have bruises (thanks Wayne!). 

We need to address our drinking issues. The time has come. Let's talk about it and open up to solutions and plans - ideas?

Abstinence for a time - to break the pattern
How long? Don't know - a week? Do we need to remove all alcohol from the premessis? Remove temptation? Could we just limit? One drink per night?
Too hard right now, abstinence would be better for awhile.
Only drinking with people or in a bar would be good -
No- having a glass of wine at home would still be ok
Going out we would meet people though
It's also expensive.

Why don't we start slow - cut back first - try that at least - 2 glasses of wine - 2 shots MAX each day. Remember that it's OK NOT to drink at all. Make those two drinks last - drink them slowly. See how that goes - if it doesn't work we'll consider other options.
Can we commit to that for now?
Question - in the moment when we're tempted to the third drink - what do we say to ourself? If we go over - when is that OK? Do we beat ourselves up for failing?

How important is it that we stick to the two drink minimum? What leverage do we have?

Let's say we have to go to AA and abstain completely. If we can't drink in moderation then that would be the next step. We can do this - we can come together and be of one mind. When the urge to drink more comes - we HAVE TO STOP and write about why! The part of ourselves that needs something needs to speak in that moment of need. We all need to help address those needs in a more constructive way. Acknowledge the needs and take care of ourselves rather than burying the need and drinking it away. During the writing session we can begin to heal the side of ourselves that has issues... 

(The next day I blew it way more than 2 drinks and I drove... it's a fucking miracle I didn't get caught and/or hurt someone. Later that day, 03-02-2001, I wrote... ) I called Dianne Black today and my moderation organization - NOT AA. I am confident in our ability to solve this...

Addiction is what
You do to feel safe
Whether it's food
or drugs or alcohol
I'm closer now to
Feeling safe
Alone...