I practiced releasing the lower frequencies of emotion as described by David R. Hawkins in his Levels of Consciousness. It provided considerable freedom and a certain new sense of awareness. Well, it provided insights into another layer of cultural bullshit to explore. No wonder I'm so suspicious and cautious of people. The lowest levels to release include: Shame, Guilt, Apathy, Grief, Fear, Desire (that was a HUGE one for me), Anger and Pride. The guy is a scientist, this isn't new age aura stuff, it's measurable energy frequencies emitted by the body when they are in the different states of emotion. His goal is to seek the most effective ways to eliminate human suffering. Elimination of the lower vibrations has health benefits. "The elimination of suppressed emotions has a positive health benefit. It decreases the overflow of energy into the body's autonomic nervous system, and it unblocks the acupuncture energy system (demonstrable by a simple muscle test)" page xxii. 

Anyway, I'm listening to his book Letting Go, The Pathway to Surrender and I've been listening to a Course by Dr. Debra Ford Daily Pulse exploring the Tao on Insight Timer. The two have gotten squished up and tossed about in my brain and I've come up with the following observations. There's probably other authors and influences in there as well... all good.

• Suffering is caused by imbalances in the physical, mental and emotional human system.
• An imbalance is defined as too much of one of two opposites. Balance is the even distribution of "x" enabling stability. A situation in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. 
• Therefore suffering is the getting too much or not enough of something or the perception that that is the reality.

The "perception" bit is key as our perception determines our experience regardless of the truth of a given situation. Can you tell I studied at a Liberal Arts school? Classic three part logical stuff there... of course it assumes the truth of the first statement. Stay with me here... now this seems totally disconnected but it will come around...

What are the constant movements of the body? What is the state of balance in our physical being? I must have air and a beating heart if my lungs or my heart are compromised I'll soon be no longer present on this plane of existence. So the lungs pump air and the heart pumps blood, full and empty, in and out, expansion and contraction. This happens outside of our conscious control most of the time, a natural function. Our lives are full of opposites: day and night, hunger and fullness, summer and winter, stillness and motion, The balance of urgency is calm, the balance of a busy mind is meditation. As I have progressed in my ability to discern the real from the false, the Reality from my expectations and judgements I am once again in the space between... as my last post alluded to. The middle way and the way of witness and observer. So where is the pump for my electrical/energetic feelings and emotions? That pump is apparently more closely influenced by the mind, illusions and delusions. It is mechanical and measurable but ethereal and not visible to the eye so easily. If it follows as the lungs and heart it is meant to expand and contract but not HOLD forever. What I've noticed is the attachment to a feeling or belief is where the suffering lies. The feeling itself is fleeting and meant to pass through (I am the hole in the flute). The meaning I attach causes the energy to expand and grow unnaturally. The spinning of blame and victim and injustice and purpose all exceed our natural tolerance for balance and ultimately cause suffering. 

These are all just thoughts and insights, ramblings and curiosities. I just wanted to record them here as well as my journal. I get a sense that they are helpful or will be very helpful at some point. There is nothing earth shattering or new in any of this but it helps me to relate my journey to a natural process that is being uncovered and empowered rather than a shell or mask or guru or ancient practice or religious ritual... etc. I can understand air and blood, expansion and contraction, flow and flood.

So net net... as natural beings we are constantly flowing, changing, shifting from one opposite to another in millions of variations including emotionally. Our awareness allows us to notice our experience and hopefully our conditioned response to engage, defend, react, rebel or avoid. Can I pause long enough to allow the FLOW... stop stopping the natural process, the natural balance of expansion and contraction. Second question how can I continue to cleanse and release the decades of suppressed emotions I already have clogging up the system? I plan to continue reading David Hawkins and studying the Tao... for now!

I just have a minute or two... three actually. Enough to get down the notions that have come up recently in meditation and Reiki treatments.... I am the Chaperone and the Rebel - I am also the space in between those two contrasting characters. I was able to see and recognize the internal voice I always labeled as the JUDGE to be a Chaperone or guide, protector, mentor... quite a different way to experience the information that is constantly provided. All the shoulds and should nots, expectations and judgements are generated and presented to my consciousness by the Chaperone. On the other end of that spectrum is the Rebel or the Skeptic... I am the middle way, the space between. I AM not either of those two. I can stop attaching my self image, my self worth, my approval and appreciation levels to anything that either of those two present. 

​More later... OK... it's later, while I'm waiting for someone to appear on a ZOOM meeting. It seems as if the clarity provided by the distinction above is still processing thru me. 

When I meet with fellows in my fellowship I still feel outside. I still feel quiet, meek and the observer. I gathered with some fellows for lunch yesterday. It was marvelous! It looks as if I'm having fun! My goal was to stay pretty quiet and I was mindful of how I operated, how I behaved without judgement. It's just interesting. I choose to examine my automatic reactions and defenses and second guessing and spinning out conversation should haves after the fact. I'm just monitoring all this and dropping it, checking the validity, noticing the illusion, delusion and reality of what I experience. I also wrote this poem yesterday... apparently fasting and weeping suit me.

I am so grateful that I can feel. I am so grateful that I can sit in the sadness and be open and accepting. It still hurts. Like hunger. It is just grief and it will pass.

I urge the tears on, I lean in. I press on the button and ask that it flow openly and freely that all that is being held IN can be OUT.

I find solace and comfort in the following quotes and poems to gently hold space. Perhaps you too, can find their warm hug and soft shoulder as you weep one day.
​

The distinction was pointed out recently in a davidji meditation on Insight Timer. I just wanted to make sure to get it down somewhere I wouldn't lose it. At the beginning of many of his mediations he asks questions... Who am I? Do I realize I cannot change the past? Do I know I cannot force the future? What am I grateful for? Who am I grateful for? Am I willing to be my best version of myself today? Then after a few minutes of pondering the questions he invites you to let them go to the Universe, "to handle" them. He also frequently invites you to set an intention and ask your heart what it most desires, hold that, plant that, imagine actions that would support that, then let that go as well. Give it to the Universe to work it out. 

We have control over our outlook but never the outcome. That is all. Brilliant. Simple. I have a poem for today as well. 

Clouds and Butterflies
The fears hover like clouds,
always, floating, drifting
blocking the light
filtering all that I experience

The bees & butterflies, my expectations,
fuss and flit and buzz about
distracting my attention
from the moment - the beauty
the truth, the unity that is reality.

There is nothing to be "done"
with the clouds or the bugs
They will not depart with all my wishing
no matter how much I pray or meditate
or practice or work or desire.

There is only to sit observing
in the clearing
calm and flowing.
Don't swat or hide or run.
Resistance is futile.
Only breathe & pause to wonder.
Notice don't think.
Observe don't judge.
Remember all is well and be grateful.

Laurie McCauley 4/8/22

I always knew this and never wanted to really admit it, cop to it, face it... My physical presentation is a reflection, is intimately, most intimately, connected to my inner landscape. As I fast and the pounds and toxins melt away I'm noticing the toxic ideas, emotional delusions and spiritual road blocks are melting away as well.
Perhaps because my intention for 2022 is Unity? That path includes Clarity and Curiosity, by necessity. Now I am more aware of the obstacles to Unity. The toxins are expressed and experienced as all the shoulds and should nots, all the expectations and unrealistic ideals that I've absorbed, manufactured and clung to for my entire life. They're fucking everywhere, now that I'm seeing a bit more clearly, deeply. They are literally crowding my thoughts. Every moment is full of judgement and analysis and references to the past. My faithful, ever helpful brain is always searching for a path to safety, certainty, control, looking good and being right. Of course every media outlet and person on the planet also is full of data and opinions on how I ought to be and live. Not to mention what I need, what I should buy and think and do. 

Holy fucking shit! No wonder I was/am so quick to get numb... distract myself... run for cover... avoid, obsess and resist!! It's stressful and impossible and overwhelming. I guess I get so numb I forget that it's there. Like the amazing image I hang in my hall. How quickly it just melts away into the wall and so soon I walk by, blind to it's inspiration and beauty.

My Trust in the true beauty of life is blossoming. My relationship with some power greater than myself that's got my back no matter what. This provides me a SaFE place for CHOICE and FREEDOM to BE... whatever it is I'm being and becoming.
Stay tuned. Stand by. ​It's ok to be moved, touched and inspired! Go for it!

Tear it Down
We find out the heart only by dismantling what 
the heart knows. By redefining the morning, 
we find a morning that comes just after darkness. 
We can break through marriage into marriage. 
By insisting on love we spoil it, get beyond 
affection and wade mouth-deep into love. 
We must unlearn the constellations to see the stars. 
But going back toward childhood will not help. 
The village is not better than Pittsburgh. 
Only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh. 
Rome is better than Rome in the same way the sound 
of raccoon tongues licking the inside walls 
of the garbage tub is more than the stir 
of them in the muck of the garbage. Love is not 
enough. We die and are put into the earth forever. 
We should insist while there is still time. We must 
eat through the wildness of her sweet body already 
in our bed to reach the body within that body. 
Jack Gilbert

Every time I say that I have found something or figured something out or had an epiphany or breakthrough it seems to backfire or back slide or fade. I am certain that I have found something special. Just like every other time. Just like every other day. Just like every other new moon, sunrise, new day moment. So, I'm not going to say anything more about it for right now, except... here we go again. I'm recording it in code and then in a month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year I will begin to begin to believe that it's actually true. That it's actually real. That it's a lasting life style change. No matter what the excitement in the moment, the orgasm of the break through feeling is an addiction of it's own, perhaps? I just keep hunting them down and stirring them up and creating them and sharing them and then moving on all the time I stick with nothing for long.

So, I'm not going to share. It may make these blog sessions a bit boring. Oh well. It's good to recognize and be aware of yet another addiction! Fuck!

Any how I'm playing with intermittent fasting... stretching my time, paying very close attention to how foods make me feel when I do eat and I'm about to go and work out then watch REACHER.

I got and I'm listening to a great book The Complete Guide to Fasting. I went down a rabbit hole yesterday trying to find a good link to post here for the book. I ended up listening to Dr. Fung on You Tube and, well, there it is... I closed the browser and lost the post. 

And today I'm back with the same motto... HOLD FAST and be curious. I also have a very different perspective on breakthroughs and sharing so it was a great day. Actually every day is a great day. My practice is also to just go with the flow and not beat myself up about anything, ever. Period!