Community

When I meet with fellows in my fellowship I still feel outside. I still feel quiet, meek and the observer. I gathered with some fellows for lunch yesterday. It was marvelous! It looks as if I'm having fun! My goal was to stay pretty quiet and I was mindful of how I operated, how I behaved without judgement. It's just interesting. I choose to examine my automatic reactions and defenses and second guessing and spinning out conversation should haves after the fact. I'm just monitoring all this and dropping it, checking the validity, noticing the illusion, delusion and reality of what I experience. I also wrote this poem yesterday... apparently fasting and weeping suit me.

---

Perhaps It's Time?
I grow weary
of the doubting
and self loathing.
I am tired of
feeling alone
and unloved.
Perhaps it's time
to shed these
beliefs? These
habitual - cultural
illusions and delusions?

Perhaps it is time
to just set them 
off - to the side
and explore what
IS - REAL - REALITY?

I grow weary of
the battle ground
I've become.
I am tired of the defending
fighting & resistance.
Perhaps it is time
for surrender
to lay down
my fears
and expectations?
my judgements
and desires?

Perhaps it is time
for love?
Perhaps it is safe
at last?
Perhaps I am enough,
brave enough,
strong enough
to let go
for real(ity) at last... 

​4-10-22
​Laurie McCauley