Discover - Diagnose - Decide

There is something bubbling to the surface. It's been coming up for a little while now. I realized this morning that it's really not pretty at all, not politically correct, or flattering or even morally "right." I also realized that I'm writing this blog for me, not for anyone else and "there's nothing wrong."

The human condition seems to be wired to be constantly comparing if not downright judgemental - competitive - ambitious - aggressive. Silly girl, I imagined that I was above that. Taking a high road somehow. Silly girl! While I don't actively harm anyone or wish them ill, I am desperately jealous for those things I imagine I don't have. Situations, ways of "being" or "looking" that I perceive would make me happy or even make me look good enough to fool other people into believing that I'm happy and grounded and mature and wise. Silly girl!

I, perhaps, could fool myself also into forgetting that I'm alone and missing caring unconditional loving support. Truth: I'm basically too afraid or proud to reach out... Writing this just now, I realized, I'm not alone and the support is available I just have to learn how to ask.

My pissy and rebelious laziness rears it's head and rather defiantly reminds me that I don't want to go through the strain and effort of asking for help. It's just fine to be alone, other people basically only care about themselves in the final analysis. That has been my experience after all - so far. So suck it up and get on with it!

If I'm going to be jealous and envious, I might as well be smart about it.

1. Discover - if what I perceive is something worth being jealous or envious about... what's on the surface may be deceiving. Is it something I really want? Something worth the effort and time and pain the person has invested to own it / be it? i.e. physical beauty, fitness, admiration, wealth, romance, assistance...there's a "cost" for everything.
2. Diagnose - this takes the discovery one step deeper. Something in the past, as a somewhat lazy, resourceful and intuitive person I frankly skipped. I need to truly dive into the day to day reality of what's required to create a thing in my life. My life choices are certainly worth at least the amount of effort it takes to write a quarterly report in school. There is certainly enough data out in the world to provide adequate information for the next step.
3. Decide - to solve or conclude, to give one side victory. I read somewhere that the latin root of the word meant "to cut off." No other options are available. I can decide and set a timeframe for review. The trick is to absolutely decide and then follow through. 

This process did work for my weight loss conversation. I spent quite a lot of time in phases 1 and 2. With Chris' partnership we moved forward, decided on a plan and we've stuck with it since May... barely 4 months but it seems like forever. I think one of the shifts I'm feeling is a way of thinking long term rather than short term. Painful, a bit, but fodder for another day.

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