"Attention is the doorway to gratitude."
1. feel like shit, hit bottom - it can be bouncy
2. eternal optimism perseverance the miracle is around the corner
3. realization - shit, something't got to be done!
4. get inspired - or deeply depressed - or both
5. get real, figure out, specifically, what works for who you are (who's that?)
6. lather, rinse, repeat steps 1-5 aka time passes
7. final breakthrough, epiphany, decision - Thank God or whomever!
1. feel like shit, hit bottom - it can be bouncy
2. perseverance, optimism, the miracle is around the corner
3. realization - shit, something't got to be done!
4. get inspired - or deeply depressed - or both
5. get real detailed, figure out what works for who you are (who's that?)
6. lather, rinse, repeat steps 1-5 aka time passes (quantity unknown)
7. final breakthrough, epiphany, decision, change, surrender
8. Thank God or whomever or whatever. You can now move on to the next thing and start over!
I finally had a breakthrough around exercise. I wrote a couple of pages, just now all about it, which I accidentally deleted somehow. Time to cut my fucking fingernails short again! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! When you say it three times it's suppose to help! Anyway. I wrote the summary above, which is probably better anyway, and I'm out of time so I'll explain them individually later!
PS. I found a printed sheet of paper with this entry in a journal date range 3/13/16 to 10/12/16. The last entry:
I'm having an odd moment of clarity - finally-?!? regarding exercise.
I can be in optimal physical health - it is safe to express my love of exercise and feeling strong and powerful - there is nothing wrong with competition - with "winning" or possibly "losing" bottom line - it's SAFE & there is nothing wrong with BEING a powerful - strong - athletic - fit & fabulous person...
It goes on and on about resistant voices and fear of failure and wasted effort. "My body scares me - the complexity - scares me shitless... I have no fear of dying - I fear living. Curious and apparently I had not had the breakthrough yet... still trudging that mountain but making progress!
Weekend Brunch Bunch
Tad is chair "I almost left town. I did go to Portland - I loved it I was "stealth"
Topics: How do you find and honor your truth? - Courage - Trust - Faith -> Perseverance
The safety to be ourselves - AA provides whatever you were hiding is ok...
Rambling.... lots of should s - lots of distractions. "I don't know who I am and I don't care." Echo
"Stop worrying about what other people think..." Batgirl
Spring Topic: Rebirth (later after the meeting)
The topic today was crazy perfect. Everyone spoke on how they've gotten more clear on who they are and then continued the journey of "finding" themselves - or NOT...
How to ignore or at least be aware of all the "shoulds" from family - friends - society & self. What brings me joy?
This spring seems new - again - like every spring - but different - NEW - fresh - first time. I actually resisted SPRING how silly is that - not to mention FUTILE!
What do I know?
I love to learn
I love to be flexible
I love to be fit
I love to be free
I love to be flowing
I love to write
I love to feel loved- respected
I love to feel blissful
I love to feel appreciated
I love to feel calm and safe
I love to break rules
I love to be adventurous
I love to try new things.
Currently I am resisting resistance and it's resisting back. So that's not working...
Let's try exploring resistance - being aware - maybe write it down... like resisting SPRING - it's silly - maybe writing it down will help make it obviously silly so I can release it more easily...
How can you bear it?
The scrutiny of your own stare?
The intensity of your own questionings?
The emptiness of your own head?
The chilly heart?
The solid ever-shifting expectations?
The clock ticking quickly or ever so fucking slow?
How do you bear it?
being who you're not - yet not knowing?
How do you bear the overwhelm the insanity - the speed & slowness?
Surrender ---- that is all ----- and be the breathing witness.
Remember that you don't have to be BETTER THAN
Or SPECIAL or FASTER or SMARTER THAN
Or MORE or FIT or HEALTHY or HOLY or STRONG or LOVING or GIVING
EACH & EVERY GOD DAMN SHOULD is NOT TRUE or REAL...
You - I - only need to BE
and if you're/I'm not sure how to BE
Then PAUSE and SURRENDER to the WITNESS
the INNER TEACHER...
Post script 2/8/2019
The names have been changed to protect the awesome... from the first part - notes from an actual AA meeting. It's a bit jumbled and it was in the journal as well. So there you go. The ending ROCKS!! A huge breakthrough for me then, barely 2 years ago. Holy shit!
(2-20-01 Hello - Lots has been going on - Wow! Dick and I decided to split. although I'm not joining the Peace Corps, at least not right away, Dick will buy me out of the house anyway. I looked for and found an apartment. It's small - 400 square feet - but the main large window looks right out on the beach. (The picture above I took from my window). Toward the north end of the board walk (Venice Beach). There's one row of buildings between The Ellison and the beach. I'm on the 4th floor. The building is old (built in 1913). It used to be a hotel (and is again... https://theellisonsuites.com/) I moved in on Saturday. I'm settled in except for hanging pictures. Everything fits nicely. It's a cozy wonderful place. No TV!! I have to go through clothing and clean out the closet is jammed. On the business front I've also gone through a lot of changes. All major account management is now my responsibility in addition to the professional services department. ... (This is where I lived when the 911 terrorist attack happened.)
Big, deep earthquake near Seattle yesterday. Mary Beth may not be able to go home today. She's in Texas on site.
Things are mellowing out here. I went to bed last night at 7:30 and got up at 5:00am great! 10 hours. (Out drinking the night before)... My crazy massage is mellowing. I'm still recovering - my butt and other places have bruises (thanks Wayne!).
We need to address our drinking issues. The time has come. Let's talk about it and open up to solutions and plans - ideas?
Abstinence for a time - to break the pattern
How long? Don't know - a week? Do we need to remove all alcohol from the premessis? Remove temptation? Could we just limit? One drink per night?
Too hard right now, abstinence would be better for awhile.
Only drinking with people or in a bar would be good -
No- having a glass of wine at home would still be ok
Going out we would meet people though
It's also expensive.
Why don't we start slow - cut back first - try that at least - 2 glasses of wine - 2 shots MAX each day. Remember that it's OK NOT to drink at all. Make those two drinks last - drink them slowly. See how that goes - if it doesn't work we'll consider other options.
Can we commit to that for now?
Question - in the moment when we're tempted to the third drink - what do we say to ourself? If we go over - when is that OK? Do we beat ourselves up for failing?
How important is it that we stick to the two drink minimum? What leverage do we have?
Let's say we have to go to AA and abstain completely. If we can't drink in moderation then that would be the next step. We can do this - we can come together and be of one mind. When the urge to drink more comes - we HAVE TO STOP and write about why! The part of ourselves that needs something needs to speak in that moment of need. We all need to help address those needs in a more constructive way. Acknowledge the needs and take care of ourselves rather than burying the need and drinking it away. During the writing session we can begin to heal the side of ourselves that has issues...
(The next day I blew it way more than 2 drinks and I drove... it's a fucking miracle I didn't get caught and/or hurt someone. Later that day, 03-02-2001, I wrote... ) I called Dianne Black today and my moderation organization - NOT AA. I am confident in our ability to solve this...
Addiction is what
You do to feel safe
Whether it's food
or drugs or alcohol
I'm closer now to
This is the best system ever
Eye Opener AA Meeting Boulder Colorado - 6:45 am
This meeting is in an industrial park in an older section of East Boulder off of Arapahoe Ave. A train just went by and there was a mule deer mom and two fauns running from the tracks. I met Bill - Rick - and Greg outside, the welcoming committee... Robin - Joe - Pat - Tom - Kevin - Justin - Jill - Donna - Sally - Mara... and so many more! I've already been to Starbucks - taken a shower and made coffee for Mom.
The FUCKING FUNK HAS FINALLY LIFTED! I woke up this morning - didn't sleep that great - I was just thinking different - I can put my crazy mid-life crisis crap on hold and focus on Mom and the wedding. I've been crazy selfish and self absorbed - thank God it snapped
Tom - Miguel (when I'm new at a meeting I often write the names of people as they share so I can have an eyelash of a chance of remembering them)
out of me. I'm not sure what broke the ice - writing? being in it? Ok? talking with Mary Clark? and Kim? noticing how FUCKING grumpy I was?
Kathy - John - Mark - Bill - Sheila - Virginia - Anthony - Mike - Mark
Creator - Hold me, mold me, fold me, weave me, never stop. Shift my thoughts to your wisdom. Stir my actions to your service. Show me how to love. Gently open closed spaces. Kindly send messages of clarity born on wind or wing shown through friend or foe.
"God is a source of pure potential, like electric plugs - you have to take the action and plug into it. Until you do - like a toaster - you're just potential." Sheila
Wow - Yeah - I'm so glad that has passed. I was getting tired of walking around and feeling "OUCH - OUCH - teary eyed."
"If God were small enough for me to understand, God wouldn't be big enough to handle my problems." Cowboy from Montana
Mike - Tom - Sue - Ira
Gratitude - Gratitude - Gratitude
After pulling up the random page I posted yesterday I began to read before and after that date in the journal I selected. I guess this is the purpose of this page, to revisit and explore what I've already felt... Below is an entry from 3-24-03, eleven years before I got sober. Eleven more years of "suffering" happened before I stopped drinking and smoking... Note, however, I still have this lack of love of life... even now without smoking and drinking... something to ponder. I wrote this in poetry form but for space and ease I'm writing it out here as prose-ish.
I'm aware, suddenly, of how much - really - I want to escape this life.
I don't love this life. I don't love myself, truly.
I charge off into adventure because my heart calls, not because I love life, opportunity or adventure but because I must.
I find myself here in Corpus, just the same as in Venice. I've followed myself, as I knew I would. I wasn't running away -
just hoping, somehow a change of scenery would nudge transformation, shift perspective.
I'm slack and smoke and drink too much.
Too early, too long, I wake with circles deep under my eyes. I'm tired of this life.
I'm tired of being me. Adventure is not solution.
It simply doesn't work any longer, this habitual day of coffee, smoking, working, drinking...
How can I build trust again within me?
How can I allow myself the space to be strong, stronger, strongest?
More than before - the rally waits in the wings, beyond and behind the
deepest darkness that proceeds the dawn.
It is helpful to know that I'm making progress the daily habits have shifted. Still there is that which is "missing"... something worth living for. I guess what there is to continue to learn what it's not. I'm creating it doesn't take 11 years to get from the darkness to the dawn. I create and hope this quote from Ernest Holmes is true...
I pulled, today, apparently a poetry only journal from days in Venice Beach. The tell tail in addition to the date is the phone number 310-489-4554... my land line number at the time I think or my work cell number, perhaps? My memory only recognizes the familiarity of the number and that is all. What I find endlessly amazing is all these breakthroughs I continue to think I'm finding for the first time I've already stumbled on before... ground hog day indeed, for real. Shit! If I hadn't written this or decided to read it now, I suppose I would remain blissfully unaware and still impressed with my ongoing epiphanies... Shit... not sure what to think now... Oh well?! Here goes, verbatim, no title, no explanation only the date
Is more challenging
And splits seas
Of me as well
Are on the
Platter before me
The reward is
So life giving
So full of Love
For earth and
Not a sacrifice
I choose - in
Aware that my choice
As does yours
I've an opportunity
To be ALL.
And ALL is well.
I have a choice
To be or
Not to be
Present in this life.
I choose life.
Although I haven't written lately or meditated - per se - the actions and cooperation inspired by previous sessions has carried me forward - till now. Once again, though I'm in the process of reaching goals previously set - there is discord inside me. Back to daily meditation - to soothe me with myself. I tend to forget it's a life long "battle" / challenge. Lowering my voice, exercising, eating right, guitar and writing are not the end but the beginning.
During my last session with Trishuwa, she stressed the need for developing loving relationships with others - friends. I don't know where to begin. Inner council would be a good place. Friends scare me - opening up make me vulnerable and self conscious. How do close friends get there? What do they do together or say to each other?
The feelings about Corrie are still on my mind, but they're different now. They're not so insistent and plaguing. Whoever on my council responsible for those thoughts has, it seems, relaxed a bit. Perhaps she's been convinced, finally, by the others that there's a lot more to making a relationship work than attraction. Not only that, with the changes I've been making in my own life, it's not so unbearable any more. The meditation, music and changes with John inspired by Corrie have made a huge difference.
Pipe Circle Friday 7pm 25th
Wow, I was married at this point in time... once again it's astounding and fucking depressing the lack of progress I've made. I still have the same core issues I had TWENTY TWO years ago... how to make friends and get my exercise and eating under wraps! I do, however, totally give myself credit for the smober - sober progress. Looking back a few days in this journal revealed, of course, promises and conversations about going "cold turkey" with smoking and drinking...
On the plane headed toward CO. I was excited for a short time. I guess I'm mostly numb? Very upset about being overweight. Ready to start drinking and smoking again - I'm sick of the limbo - I want to know NOW - what I want... I guess I feel like I've been a kid until I quit drinking - I'm not sure what I want - to grow up - Period
That's just true - I've been writing lots of hype about cultivating my inner parent
The inner optimist keeps prompting
F words - blah - blah - blah
I need to suck it up and grow up or just put myself out of my fucking misery...
Yikes! Maybe it's the time of year that makes me a little depressed? Just pulled this randomly, interesting 1 year look back! No edits!
I sense a mission.
Beckoned yet not chosen
Sky blue like the truck
will take care of me somehow
the power of it
the love in it
will save me
4 questions too many.
Tomorrow I will choose blue. She stand like a rite of passage all beyond misty and unknown.
The spirit will follow, a partner at last. Some people have dogs or birds or cats or children.
Birthing Blue I grow protective, sensitive to the space of her. Tomorrow we meet. I'm sure those with children find it odd. All things have Spirit...