(Back story... I just broke up with a long time lover and moved to a 400 square foot apartment on the 4th floor of The Ellison with an ocean view on the north end of the Venice Beach boardwalk. I didn't know the area yet or all the people on the boardwalk that later became very close friends. I had no TV and very little belongings. I was the Director of Professional Services at School Link Technologies so all the onsite trainers and project manager's were my responsibility. This is where I lived when the 911 terrorist attack happened.)
Big, deep earthquake near Seattle yesterday. Mary Beth may not be able to go home today. She's in Texas on site.
After pulling up the random page I posted yesterday I began to read before and after that date in the journal I selected. I guess this is the purpose of this page, to revisit and explore what I've already felt... Below is an entry from 3-24-03, eleven years before I got sober. Eleven more years of "suffering" happened before I stopped drinking and smoking... Note, however, I still have this lack of love of life... even now without smoking and drinking... something to ponder. I wrote this in poetry form but for space and ease I'm writing it out here as prose-ish.
I'm aware, suddenly, of how much - really - I want to escape this life.
I don't love this life. I don't love myself, truly.
I charge off into adventure because my heart calls, not because I love life, opportunity or adventure but because I must.
I find myself here in Corpus, just the same as in Venice. I've followed myself, as I knew I would. I wasn't running away -
just hoping, somehow a change of scenery would nudge transformation, shift perspective.
I'm slack and smoke and drink too much.
Too early, too long, I wake with circles deep under my eyes. I'm tired of this life.
I'm tired of being me. Adventure is not solution.
It simply doesn't work any longer, this habitual day of coffee, smoking, working, drinking...
How can I build trust again within me?
How can I allow myself the space to be strong, stronger, strongest?
More than before - the rally waits in the wings, beyond and behind the
deepest darkness that proceeds the dawn.
It is helpful to know that I'm making progress the daily habits have shifted. Still there is that which is "missing"... something worth living for. I guess what there is to continue to learn what it's not. I'm creating it doesn't take 11 years to get from the darkness to the dawn. I create and hope this quote from Ernest Holmes is true...
I pulled, today, apparently a poetry only journal from days in Venice Beach. The tell tail in addition to the date is the phone number 310-489-4554... my land line number at the time I think or my work cell number, perhaps? My memory only recognizes the familiarity of the number and that is all. What I find endlessly amazing is all these breakthroughs I continue to think I'm finding for the first time I've already stumbled on before... ground hog day indeed, for real. Shit! If I hadn't written this or decided to read it now, I suppose I would remain blissfully unaware and still impressed with my ongoing epiphanies... Shit... not sure what to think now... Oh well?! Here goes, verbatim, no title, no explanation only the date
Is more challenging
And splits seas
Of me as well
Are on the
Platter before me
The reward is
So life giving
So full of Love
For earth and
Not a sacrifice
I choose - in
Aware that my choice
As does yours
I've an opportunity
To be ALL.
And ALL is well.
I have a choice
To be or
Not to be
Present in this life.
I choose life.
Although I haven't written lately or meditated - per se - the actions and cooperation inspired by previous sessions has carried me forward - till now. Once again, though I'm in the process of reaching goals previously set - there is discord inside me. Back to daily meditation - to soothe me with myself. I tend to forget it's a life long "battle" / challenge. Lowering my voice, exercising, eating right, guitar and writing are not the end but the beginning.
During my last session with Trishuwa, she stressed the need for developing loving relationships with others - friends. I don't know where to begin. Inner council would be a good place. Friends scare me - opening up make me vulnerable and self conscious. How do close friends get there? What do they do together or say to each other?
The feelings about Corrie are still on my mind, but they're different now. They're not so insistent and plaguing. Whoever on my council responsible for those thoughts has, it seems, relaxed a bit. Perhaps she's been convinced, finally, by the others that there's a lot more to making a relationship work than attraction. Not only that, with the changes I've been making in my own life, it's not so unbearable any more. The meditation, music and changes with John inspired by Corrie have made a huge difference.
Pipe Circle Friday 7pm 25th
Wow, I was married at this point in time... once again it's astounding and fucking depressing the lack of progress I've made. I still have the same core issues I had TWENTY TWO years ago... how to make friends and get my exercise and eating under wraps! I do, however, totally give myself credit for the smober - sober progress. Looking back a few days in this journal revealed, of course, promises and conversations about going "cold turkey" with smoking and drinking...
On the plane headed toward CO. I was excited for a short time. I guess I'm mostly numb? Very upset about being overweight. Ready to start drinking and smoking again - I'm sick of the limbo - I want to know NOW - what I want... I guess I feel like I've been a kid until I quit drinking - I'm not sure what I want - to grow up - Period
That's just true - I've been writing lots of hype about cultivating my inner parent
The inner optimist keeps prompting
F words - blah - blah - blah
I need to suck it up and grow up or just put myself out of my fucking misery...
Yikes! Maybe it's the time of year that makes me a little depressed? Just pulled this randomly, interesting 1 year look back! No edits!
I sense a mission.
Beckoned yet not chosen
Sky blue like the truck
will take care of me somehow
the power of it
the love in it
will save me
4 questions too many.
Tomorrow I will choose blue. She stand like a rite of passage all beyond misty and unknown.
The spirit will follow, a partner at last. Some people have dogs or birds or cats or children.
Birthing Blue I grow protective, sensitive to the space of her. Tomorrow we meet. I'm sure those with children find it odd. All things have Spirit...
I've been the "lost girl" lately - wandering half awake - half asleep through hour after hour, day after day - doing all the things that are harmful. Avoiding all the things that are "good" for me. Being miserable the entire time. Here I am about in indulge in a chicken fried steak breakfast instead of eating healthy at home - forgot my vitamins - didn't tap - didn't I Ching - intentional apathetic and abusive. With everything to be thankful for yet trying my darndest to sabotage it all - WTF!
I have a chance every moment to make healthier choices - I could start things now that I regret not doing in the past like practicing and sticking with guitar or reading or writing and instead I flip on the tube and watch yet another worthless show. The fucking rebounder is right in the living room for pete's sake.
Something's gotta give - my workout plan with Becca crashed. That sucks - the somewhat strenuous (not really) exercises didn't agree with her - she's five years older - yikes - I'll be 48 this year!
I forget things - don't remember things the booze is definitely taking its toll - What am I going to do to get motivated and finally make some lasting changes for the positive?
Mary Miller of I Ching said something interesting our society / environment / experiences constantly bring out the survivor part of our spirit. Rather than the witness - our eternal true being driving the bus - our survivor is in control. I've felt that way before - I just need to figure out a way to switch drivers of our bus... Making the healthy choice the default instead of the other way around. The benefits are beyond measure - no cough - no memory loss - nice complexion - energy, health - you name it.
So the question for my subconscious and conscious minds - how do we gracefully pull over the bus - put the witness in the driver's seat and start down a healthy - fun - joyful road for the last decades of this lifetime? Make it so...
Every day in every way I AM GETTING BETTER and BETTER - HEALTHIER - HAPPIER - WEALTHIER WITH EASE - GRACE & POWER!
7-18-2016 Comment - Wow... this was almost exactly one year before I got sober. I managed to torture myself for another year after this note. Nothing more inspiring that a little reminder of how far I've come. AA meetings, especially when newbies are present, remind me... but this is even better. I was sober when I wrote the particular entry above...
The Silo - Queensbury November 15, 2012
Wow, I already feel so much better! I have a new mantra after listening to one of the speakers - Ed Foreman - "Every moment of every day I'm getting better and better - happier and healthier - making wise choices with ease, grace and POWER!" It just keeps popping into my head and makes me smile and feel SO excited! We are definitely due!
I'm listening to another event called Brain Train by Ron Ball. Very interesting. I forgot how fun it is to listen and lean new things. I'm super happy to have a definite purpose in life what will keep me learning and growing and I'm sure eventually teaching things that excite and inspire people. It's totally doable. I've also noticed that in order to be a Master Manifestor I have to be in excellent physical condition - to broadcast and receive energy i have to be in tip top shape.
I have a feeling that our "council journaling" technique will be instrumental in our success and in assisting others. We'll need to perfect and refine it as we go.
Note to self: 90% of worries are unimportant, unlikely, and unresolvable
"My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes most of which never happened." Langor