Freedom Trail - 6/22/2011

I realize now, of course a little late, that I should have been writing every day. Journalling the steps in building Onward & Upward, my eureka moments - my doubts and fears. I have time now to try to recreate that, now that I'm on the freedom trail.

I started down the trail, officially, one week ago 6/15 - my last day at SL-Tech - after nearly 17 years - I'm finally free. Looking back I've been basically a slave to work since Mom married Howard when I was seven. I'm not moaning or whining about a horrible childhood - but I did work my butt off. It got really pronounced when Mark was born when I was nine. Suddenly the household chores increased and I started working with dad every weekend and holiday. Even my first two years in college I did work study cleaning dorms and back breaking landscaping on weekends.

I've moved from one job to the next without a plan or purpose. The last 18 months with SLT were especially difficult - sitting in front of the computer ALL fucking day doing the e-learning project was excruciating. Rut? Do you think?

I numbed myself with alcohol - and lived in a virtual haze of self-destructive lazy behavior with no purpose or passion.

Last Thursday I felt physically lighter, intoxicated with my new found freedom from SLT - also still drinking too much and in a haze.  The fog broke a little on Monday when I realized my nasty head cold which had been hanging on for weeks might be - must be an infection tapping my strength and enthusiasm. After getting antibiotics and two days of bed rest with no alcohol - I feel the fog lifting. OMG - how nice! As I walk around the house now I do things - pick up - clean up - organize - rather than ignoring it all but still being bothered and annoyed by it. A tipping point and I hope it continues! If I can stay off the crack tequila, I know it will!

I can stop shunning, hiding and ducking and step up!

**** 03/04/2016***** It's interesting that I "happened" to pick this journal and turn to this page. Almost 5 years ago I was going through a similar work / purpose / passion transition. Big difference... I was drinking and smoking. So... another level of freedom another "prison" escape, this time of my own creation. ****

Push the envelope
Whatever envelope
You have to push

You must push until
You know the next
Then push again
Gently as before.

What will you be girl?
What will you be?
Not sure yet
​I'll let you know =)

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