I sense a mission.
Beckoned yet not chosen
Big Blue
Big Sky
Sky blue like the truck
will take care of me somehow
the power of it
the love in it
will save me

From what?
Or when?
Or how? 
Or why?
4 questions too many.

Tomorrow I will choose blue. She stand like a rite of passage all beyond misty and unknown.
The spirit will follow, a partner at last. Some people have dogs or birds or cats or children.

Birthing Blue I grow protective, sensitive to the space of her. Tomorrow we meet. I'm sure those with children find it odd. All things have Spirit... 

I've been the "lost girl" lately - wandering half awake - half asleep through hour after hour, day after day - doing all the things that are harmful. Avoiding all the things that are "good" for me. Being miserable the entire time. Here I am about in indulge in a chicken fried steak breakfast instead of eating healthy at home - forgot my vitamins - didn't tap - didn't I Ching - intentional apathetic and abusive. With everything to be thankful for yet trying my darndest to sabotage it all - WTF!

I have a chance every moment to make healthier choices - I could start things now that I regret not doing in the past like practicing and sticking with guitar or reading or writing and instead I flip on the tube and watch yet another worthless show. The fucking rebounder is right in the living room for pete's sake.

Something's gotta give - my workout plan with Becca crashed. That sucks - the somewhat strenuous (not really) exercises didn't agree with her - she's five years older - yikes - I'll be 48 this year!

I forget things - don't remember things the booze is definitely taking its toll - What am I going to do to get motivated and finally make some lasting changes for the positive?

Mary Miller of I Ching said something interesting our society / environment / experiences constantly bring out the survivor part of our spirit. Rather than the witness - our eternal true being driving the bus - our survivor is in control. I've felt that way before - I just need to figure out a way to switch drivers of our bus... Making the healthy choice the default instead of the other way around. The benefits are beyond measure - no cough - no memory loss - nice complexion - energy, health - you name it. 

So the question for my subconscious and conscious minds - how do we gracefully pull over the bus - put the witness in the driver's seat and start down a healthy - fun - joyful road for the last decades of this lifetime? Make it so... 

Every day in every way I AM GETTING BETTER and BETTER - HEALTHIER - HAPPIER - WEALTHIER WITH EASE - GRACE & POWER!

7-18-2016 Comment - Wow... this was almost exactly one year before I got sober. I managed to torture myself for another year after this note. Nothing more inspiring that a little reminder of how far I've come. AA meetings, especially when newbies are present, remind me... but this is even better. I was sober when I wrote the particular entry above... 

The Silo - Queensbury November 15, 2012
​Wow, I already feel so much better! I have a new mantra after listening to one of the speakers - Ed Foreman - "Every moment of every day I'm getting better and better - happier and healthier - making wise choices with ease, grace and POWER!" It just keeps popping into my head and makes me smile and feel SO excited! We are definitely due!

I'm listening to another event called Brain Train by Ron Ball. Very interesting. I forgot how fun it is to listen and lean new things. I'm super happy to have a definite purpose in life what will keep me learning and growing and I'm sure eventually teaching things that excite and inspire people. It's totally doable. I've also noticed that in order to be a Master Manifestor I have to be in excellent physical condition - to broadcast and receive energy i have to be in tip top shape. 

I have a feeling that our "council journaling" technique will be instrumental in our success and in assisting others. We'll need to perfect and refine it as we go.

Note to self: 90% of worries are unimportant, unlikely, and unresolvable

"My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes most of which never happened." Langor

I realize now, of course a little late, that I should have been writing every day. Journalling the steps in building Onward & Upward, my eureka moments - my doubts and fears. I have time now to try to recreate that, now that I'm on the freedom trail.

I started down the trail, officially, one week ago 6/15 - my last day at SL-Tech - after nearly 17 years - I'm finally free. Looking back I've been basically a slave to work since Mom married Howard when I was seven. I'm not moaning or whining about a horrible childhood - but I did work my butt off. It got really pronounced when Mark was born when I was nine. Suddenly the household chores increased and I started working with dad every weekend and holiday. Even my first two years in college I did work study cleaning dorms and back breaking landscaping on weekends.

I've moved from one job to the next without a plan or purpose. The last 18 months with SLT were especially difficult - sitting in front of the computer ALL fucking day doing the e-learning project was excruciating. Rut? Do you think?

I numbed myself with alcohol - and lived in a virtual haze of self-destructive lazy behavior with no purpose or passion.

Last Thursday I felt physically lighter, intoxicated with my new found freedom from SLT - also still drinking too much and in a haze.  The fog broke a little on Monday when I realized my nasty head cold which had been hanging on for weeks might be - must be an infection tapping my strength and enthusiasm. After getting antibiotics and two days of bed rest with no alcohol - I feel the fog lifting. OMG - how nice! As I walk around the house now I do things - pick up - clean up - organize - rather than ignoring it all but still being bothered and annoyed by it. A tipping point and I hope it continues! If I can stay off the crack tequila, I know it will!

I can stop shunning, hiding and ducking and step up!

**** 03/04/2016***** It's interesting that I "happened" to pick this journal and turn to this page. Almost 5 years ago I was going through a similar work / purpose / passion transition. Big difference... I was drinking and smoking. So... another level of freedom another "prison" escape, this time of my own creation. ****

Push the envelope
Whatever envelope
You have to push

You must push until
You know the next
Then push again
Gently as before.

What will you be girl?
What will you be?
Not sure yet
​I'll let you know =)

A View
I keep on walking
Day after day
and in my dreams
I'm always walking the walk
talking the talk
doing what I "should"
Day in and out
I need a view
I just need a view
and I'll be fine
I can break the cycle
If I only have a view____

I guess I need to
find one
create on
buck and make it happen
Fuck!

Can't someone just 
give me a view?
I'm "entitled"

NOT - Fuck, Fuck, Fuck_____
I'll make it happen somehow                                                    on my own

I was living in NYC at this time on ground floor apartment, 83rd between Park & Madison on the Upper East Side (three blocks from Jackie O Reservoir). DeeAnne was my roommate and the project at the Board of Ed was in full swing. I would have been dating Chris a year and a half already at this time. FYI

November 10... this one sounds familiar!

Passion
I wish I had
one passion only
how fun
and easy that
would be
with single 
focus all the
world works
ocean
pets
stones
archeology
geology
science
philanthropy
I wish I had 
a single passion
instead I have
the world
I need to deal with that

I decided today looking for a journal entry with today's date is too hard and has been stopping me from posting to this page. The journals are stacked in year order, at the moment, on a bookshelf in my green house study. I just grabbed one this morning and I'm so glad. 2001-2002 I was fondly reminded of a wonderful couple that I knew, John & Philomene, they also lived in the Ellis Building (15 Paloma Ave.) in Venice. I met them in the elevator and studied with John Thomas for a bit before he was too ill to continue. I found this entry in my journal from 2002. The poem was written in memoriam, he died March 29 (Good Friday) 2002. You can find out more about him online. 

John Thomas

​will I ever know again
the wonder
staggering in unsteady confidence
and kindness gushing
sweet reserved questions
so deep they hung unanswered

depth and dedication - sweetness and light
to wander among words, ideas, concepts
to feel the passion and see
with crystal clarity
a countryside never visited

commanding and gentle knowledge
John Thomas appeared to me
the supreme listener
listening in silence to things said
and those left unsaid
interpreting - not judging
sensing struggle and pain
treading lightly
wandering among land mines
with no mind

tell me what it felt like, sister
to be loved
to experience that "love eternal"
so lucky and unfortunate
the paradox of being
to know and not know
all at once 
the physicists be damned
so it is daily 

Thanks to John Thomas for an awakening, for a breath of sweet magnolias in Spring.

I often participated in a Native American prayer circle of sorts called a Pipe Circle.  A sacred ceremonial pipe (peace pipe) is used by the Pipe Carrier to lead a ceremony where participants make requests of Great Spirit, offer thanks and be open to information... The following entry was apparently penned after I had participated in a pipe ceremony. There's very little information in Wikipedia about the ceremony itself... interesting.

The Spirits brought to my pipe circle this morning council me:

Fear and Anger and Ego-Mind stand as my challenges. I will succeed with perseverance only if I tune into my feelings and intuition and the spirits there that are my guides and my true self.

The holdouts on my council will heal. I must pursue and negotiate with each of them to restate my true self, to regain the power that I have always had. I am the supreme negotiator.

My body first will find its strength and that will blossom into my life and create the life I was born to. I must remember compassion toward myself and others and follow my inner voice - feelings.

As with the pipe this day which smoked 1/3 without effort - the 2nd third would not light until I had tried and tried and persevered - then the last third when it became difficult yielded much more easily. Somehow this represents my life - passage to the 2nd third will be difficult - I sit here now - but persistence won out dedication and common sense and feeling. Perhaps then passage to the last third will be difficult but easier than the second.

There is hope and I will succeed!  Thank you Spirit!

I'm lacking nothing - I only need to deal with the "extra" things then Let them Go! 

Once again I am flabbergasted by the things I "knew" then that I figured I figured out relatively recently.  A little scary that my memory is such a sieve. I'm also grateful that now I'm ready to truly process and put some of these insights into practice and move onward & upward!  =)

I used to write because I loved it - it was my way to express love or frustration - to puzzle out situations to explain and explore my point of view.  lately it's become another item on my "should" list. Thus the empty pages and lapsed time in entries. I've finally made a shift and stopped drinking - it's forcing me to grow up and take responsibility.  I joined Take Shape for Life -> on the surface a weight loss program but much more than that. I'm going to a conference/seminar this weekend. I may become a coach. I only want to loose 20 lbs compared to 80-100 lbs most other members need to loose. I have another agenda - since I won't drink during the process - I've noticed the pre-packaged meals every three hours keep my blood sugar in line and I don't have cravings for alcohol. Yeah! Awesome and scary - what do I do with all this time on my hands - watching TV is getting old. So instead of resisting my old friend (the journal) - I view empty pages eager to fill them =)

The next day the entry is from the Renaissance Hotel in Baltimore, MD where I went for the Take Shape for Life Training... with Marj & Rick Mendez.  The health coaching program didn't work out in the end although I did loose 10+ pounds and quit drinking for a couple weeks. (PCMR's... Portion Controlled Meal Replacements made by Medifast... talk about processed food!  Yikes!)

​

I have a Rotary meeting here at noon so I thought I'd come early to journal =)
We are doing SO AWESOME!!!  Third workout this morning - I'm not sure how many days now with at least one shake.  It is harder with the holiday parties - lunches - dinners - no problem.  I'm down a few pounds - it keeps fluctuating between 156 - 160, this morning 158 - I know adding muscle s no problem - my pants right out of the dryer are looser - Yeah!!! I've been meeting with Rebecca each morning and she setup her basement as a workout space - way cool.  I ordered an inversion table.  It should be delivered soon.

I've been focused on the shake - vitamins - and workouts.  I am inspired to start cutting back on cigs - way too much coughing going on!  i did twelve push ups this morning and I'm feeling it.  I may do a second workout - like just abs in the afternoon.  Chili, cornbread and salad tonight.

So what's the next step - ? We're down to a pint or less of hard alcohol per day.  The trouble - as usual is once I start it's hard to stop. We're doing almost all tea very little - one cup of coffee or less - yeah! Definitely wiser meal choices as well - I've had one piece of bread in five days.

Every day in every way I'm getting better and better! Happier - Healthier - Wealthier - making wise choices with ease, grace, freedom and power!

Let's keep going as is and count cigs to start - more later - the treadmill and reading is still a great option - keep it in mind!

The constant focus on exercise, cigs and alcohol... YIKES!!  What will my monologues focus on when diet and exercise are no longer a daily topic... I wonder!  GRATEFUL that two out of three are done!!  I was a member of Twin Bridges Rotary for a bit... great organization, a bit far for me to drive and I like Soroptimists International better now a days... 

A new phase in life deserves a new color (the ink in the journal is green)!  O my God - Wow - Amazing! Consensus Alignment - Balance - in my life - all aspects, all fronts.  I've found the love of my life - my soulmate.  I've never met anyone who makes me feel the way I feel - who supports and cares. Remember that "perfect" person I had basically given up on?  I found him - doubts? Maybe a few but they're minor, a council alignment that will come with time.  Words - printed or spoken in multitude cannot express the life I wake up to now everyday.  The hopes and dreams of life have to be re-evaluated - they've all happened.  In fact many goals - I hadn't even anticipated have been met.  My Worry Voice, I acknowledge, in the future, who knows, but for now life is grand and all I'd hoped it would be.  As I write this I'm picturing new goals - raising children (yes - children) on the Riviera, being a poet at last - giving birth to children who will lead humanity thru the changes close at hand.  Everything I'd hoped for - and so much more. for myself I have trust and love and long happy life and a partner from heaven directly - made for me - and I for him... 

WHO IS this guy??  I'm on the edge of my own seat!  It was Dick M.  We worked together, were roommates, eventually dated and were together for years.  We bought an awesome house in Venice Beach together, were engaged then finally went our separate ways... Wow!