There is no evil or bad part of anyone, every component is there to serve in the evolution of the whole. This includes the identity which is a product of experience, survival, and habits. The mechanism in place of repeating habits - frees us up to put our attention on other things. Reviewing the patterns and being aware of them is only necessary when they no longer serve, when they become an obstacle to evolving. Corrections then and a focus of will and awareness are required to adjust the patterns to ones that serve. All of this presumes a purpose, something to evolve toward consciously, otherwise the pattern changes would not be guided to a specific other outcome. I, personally, need to create a specific outcome, passion or purpose to assist in pattern correction - because, while I could exercise will and when myself asks "why?" I should or shouldn't do x or y... I could say "Just because"... which doesn't sit well with me - maybe there's a childhood rebellion / sense of lack of respect saying this. I believe it would be much more powerful (for the short term) to have a moving and powerful passion, goal, purpose or reason behind it. If I loved running marathons, for example, or I was training for a physical competition I could "sacrifice" the short term pleasure, desire or habit. I know this isn't a true exercise of will - that would be doing it or not doing it "just because." I'm not there yet. I also need a purpose to keep my mind active and busy. 1) I can make it imperative to become a true psychic and exercise my every sense and feeling, intuition and energy - this would require a clear system. 2) I could also say I want to have a child in six months and I want to have a clear system to conceive. I'm looking for some push other than me just saying so. Not sure what the core value is in the above stuff... We/I am good no matter what, maybe?. The rest is a commentary... I should be able to change habits out of pure will but I guess a purpose or passion would be helpful for motivation... it seems as though the bottom line goal is to be physically "clear"... which means, I think, no alcohol no cigarettes... =) We'll see reference to those two vices A LOT in old journal entries. Thank SPIRIT and ME... those two things are no longer so all consuming!! My purpose now is also not such a mystery... ALINEMENT... that's it! Value 2 - that is giving me challenges. I have a belief that life does NOT have to be hard or a struggle - a battle, so to speak. My definition of being hard is being out of alignment - a battle of internal voices. I guess I also link physical discomfort to the idea of difficult or hard. I think of all the shifts required this is the meat of it. I need to let go og my value/belief around things having to always be easy - the opposite of no pain no gain. I'm not going all the way - the other way- but somewhere in the middle "no temporary discomfort... no gain..." or something like that. I'm not up for, at this point anyway, having sustained intense physical pain - but short term discomfort is reasonable and apparently natural when shifting into a new pattern - like the soreness after exercise - but intense pain after exercise indicates something is out of balance. Am I really reading this right now? Wow! So this is also an ongoing conversation around exercise and habits in general... cool!! This motivates me to continue with my workout experiment of a tiny bit every day. I think perhaps this will leech over into the eating side of things as well. Give up a bit, bit by bit... don't RUSH! No cream in the coffee... It is different, however, because it's gradual and positive as apposed to immediate and all or nothing of stopping smoking and drinking. Up until now I wasn't willing to endure ANY discomfort regardless of the obvious and numerous benefits long term. I now grant and concede that short term discomfort is OK and natural and to be expected - growing pains - a confirmation in a way that the planned shift is actually taking place. Something to relish and enjoy and be proud of - it is all in my perspective after all! When I admit that it's not suffering and sacrifice - but temporary discomfort and I support myself with friends and pampering and practices around the shift - I may not need to discover and pursue a burning passionate purpose - right now to move from (here we have it finally) smoking and drinking the rewards for letting go of these things are sufficient on their own. That brings it full circle somewhat - I've adjusted my belief in an immediate need for discovery of my passion or purpose. I've agreed to move forward with my shifts knowing that there will be some discomfort but that it's only temporary... One of the supports I'll put in place is more regular scheduled calls with Ness. As I continue to read this entry it was all about will power and how to increase my will power in order to stop smoking. I was "working with" a group in Santa Barbara run by Ness, founder of Synergenics, focused on past life regression therapies. I'm sure I could find her organization name in my checkbook register from this era. I now open the floor for discussion. Each time we attempt this the lessons present themselves - the last time it was 1) Asking for help 2) Needing a passion or purpose 3) Needing a method or practice for managing the unfamiliar emotions that showed up. Before we agree to move forward again let's examine how we plan to address each area... I frequently discuss things with my internal selves when journaling. Native Americans acknowledge the existence of an internal "council" which may consist of up to 12+ separate "beings" or "personalities" or "voices". I accept this as true and have had much success and sanity in letting the voices in my head battle it out on paper. Ultimately my idea of alinement is truly the alinement of these voice/beings/personalities in my mind. So in the above paragraph I was asking myself for input and I go on to review each of the three things in detail and how they can be beefed up or supported to get to my goal. I am once again SO GRATEFUL that I have, at long last, figured out how to shut off the obsessive thoughts about smoking and drinking and I can finally move on!! The next section is a string of one liners I have no idea where they came from... There are some good ones! Thanks for Being Isn't it a nice co-incidence that you and I are both alive @ the same time! Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules. I always know the right thing to say, after the right time to say it has passed. Your illness license has expired - report back to health immediately. All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. Come over to my side of the argument: the view is always so clear from here. I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive but are you still alive? A terrible thing has happened, I've lost my will to suffer. I think I'll just sit here and wait till life gets easier. All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. I happened to see you passing through my life, so I thought I'd love you. I'm looking for the perfect pillow - I think it's somewhere near yours. Try to relax & enjoy the crisis. You are there and I am here, so one of us is obviously in the wrong place. If you don't understand, expand. Peace, where all extremes are in balance. The practice of pure consciousness feeds your essence. There is a very LONG poem... very long for me after this entry. It is posted on the P, P & P page under the title... Forty or is it Fourty? Tikkun Olam.
-- A Hebrew phrase that means to help repair the world every day, by mending what you are able to of what is in disrepair within you and near you. To do this to the best of your ability is a sacred duty. In this way the world soul is tended to. My personal mutiny begins today… inspired partially by the words above. I choose to rebel against all that was the past in my life and move forward into a brilliant future… This last week has been the most demining and enlightening of all. I was not at my best to say the very least. I was a slug operating without morals or any regard for myself personally or professionally. I won’t get into the details now but take my word for it, it was not good. Or was it… analysis of long term vs. short term benefits has always been my weakness. Regardless of the spurs of my creation I am created again. What is in disrepair and near you… to force a change if necessary is at this time required. I will be forever in Spirit’s debt or to myself in another place and time… a regular. The philosophical conversation may lead you to wonder how to determine what exactly is in disrepair, thank goodness I know instinctually what is in disrepair. No debate. Simple. Love that! To take all of the available means available to make the inside match the outside. The spirit of my being expressed instead of suppressed. I suppress myself… no one outside has any power to do this… thus I name this a mutiny. Mutiny : forcible or passive resistance to lawful authority; especially : concerted revolt (as of a naval crew) against discipline or a superior officer Rebellion: opposition to one in authority or dominance 2a : open, armed, and usually unsuccessful defiance of or resistance to an established government b : an instance of such defiance or resistance Interesting how the online definition already establishes doubt in the outcome… like a usually unsuccessful defiance. Fuck them and everyone else. There is such a limited understanding of rebellion that this is the published conversation. What if I’m a heroin addict and I need to rebel against that? I’m sure they would applaud my success. Curious, quite frankly I’ve never encountered such judgmental information in the dictionary. I sent the following message to Merriam Webster 1. I'm frustrated that I had to try so many options to actually get off an email to you... 2. I'm curious as to the definition you have posted regarding rebellion "as a open, armed, and usually unsuccessful defiance of or resistance to an established government I find it curious that it's automatically "usually unsuccessful". That is not or should not be part of the standard definition. Insinuated failure is controlling and manipulative. Remember, our own rebellion against England created this country. I'm generating my own rebellion against my own internal demons... add that into the conversation. It's cutting edge and it will make this planet a better place to be. Crazy… most possibly. True, most certainly. I’ve only launched my own personal assault against myself today, effective really tomorrow. I only know that this is the path to follow.. “ to mend my own life and tend to the world soul.” Bottom line. Whatever I was I am not now. I choose from this point forward my life, my space, my energy, my allegiance, I have the option to separate from the original zomes… genetic, environmental, whatever. I declare freedom from all of that! Yeah beyond.. yeah beyond. Has no one thought of this before that at some point you could be totally cut free of all genetic and environmental and experiential influences? There may actually be a point when we can of our own accord take control of our lives and thereby take control of the life and energy around us. Like the flower attaining it’s maturity… the sacred plant or insect that comes back every 17 years or 32 or 130 years… Here we are to move the unit forward. The cost is living to the fullest and being one with life and paying attention. With a whole other objective perspective on how to make it happen. The war is not out there… it’s totally inside and working it takes courage and strength beyond. Not beyond what you know but what you’ve experienced. Baseline assumption: You know good from evil. You can observe things that work and don’t work in life. No blame, good, bad or indifferent. There is only what works and what doesn’t. here’s the total rub. You have this incredible gift and you choose to use it or not. All excuses be gone. What then. Will you be or not be. Will you stand or not stand will you try or just do? I will challenge anyone and everyone who thinks that they can cheat me of life. I will have my go at it. You are not my player. I am the player of my own life. |
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