From my "Look Back" entry today... It got a lot of juices flowing.
1. feel like shit, hit bottom - it can be bouncy
2. perseverance, optimism, the miracle is around the corner
3. realization - shit, something't got to be done!
4. get inspired - or deeply depressed - or both
5. get real detailed, figure out what works for who you are (who's that?)
6. lather, rinse, repeat steps 1-5 aka time passes (quantity unknown)
7. final breakthrough, epiphany, decision, change, surrender
8. Thank God or whomever or whatever. You can now move on to the next thing and start over!
I finally had a breakthrough around exercise. I wrote a couple of pages, just now all about it, which I accidentally deleted somehow. Time to cut my fucking fingernails short again! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! When you say it three times it's suppose to help! Anyway. I wrote the summary above, which is probably better anyway, and I'm out of time so I'll explain them individually later!
PS. I found a printed sheet of paper with this entry in a journal date range 3/13/16 to 10/12/16. The last entry:
I'm having an odd moment of clarity - finally-?!? regarding exercise.
I can be in optimal physical health - it is safe to express my love of exercise and feeling strong and powerful - there is nothing wrong with competition - with "winning" or possibly "losing" bottom line - it's SAFE & there is nothing wrong with BEING a powerful - strong - athletic - fit & fabulous person...
It goes on and on about resistant voices and fear of failure and wasted effort. "My body scares me - the complexity - scares me shitless... I have no fear of dying - I fear living. Curious and apparently I had not had the breakthrough yet... still trudging that mountain but making progress!
I just posted a Look Back page entry from Easter 2017. I love that the looking back posting is doing exactly what I originally intended: having me pause and reflect on where I was and where I am now.
Looking through several journals from the last few years (the older ones are still packed in boxes) there is so much about diets and weight. It got me thinking about how long I tried to stop drinking - decades. Looking back at my journals now it's plain to see when I was writing wasted and it's almost viscerally painful to read all the times I swore I would stop and how many things I tried before I finally "figured it out" and the time was right to be done.
That journal entry was on the pain and fruitlessness of expectations and "shoulds." I've come so far and yet that continues to arise, that surrendering. I had a new client way down in Troy, NY about a 55 minute drive each way. I took the gig. I like the serendipity of how she found me. I also like the drive time to listen to books. The one I'm still on is Communion with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I enjoyed his Conversations with Good books but this one is SO CLEAR and so incredibly enlightening and resonating. Everything, each Illusion, is so revealing of the truth of things that I thought I knew and, honestly, I was correct to resist a lot of what was being taught. I truly enjoy the extreme relief and ultimate freedom and love provided by the message and I choose to believe it's true. It makes sense!
What shall I forgive this day to amuse and delight?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!