Shut UP Already!

I'm officially giving up apologizing for not writing more often. I'm letting that go along with quite a few other behaviors and thought processes that just really don't make any sense! I don't even really want to bother wasting my time thinking about where the expectations came from or why I feel shitty when I don't adhere to them...But I will anyway, it's not a waste, if I say so!
There it is, a fucking perfect example, right there!  
I made a rash, cheeky statement about "wasting my time thinking..." then was about to feel bad for thinking about it anyway. The problem behavior is twofold: one, the initial rash-cheekiness, then the second botheration is truly believing that just because I thought or said or wrote it that I HAVE to COMPLY! There's a quick leap there where there should be a designful choice. (Two great new words today thanks to the dictionary.com thesaurus... botheration = problem and designful=intentional. Both real words, cool!)

Good to notice because I persistently assail myself with aspersions (beat myself up). The incessant internal dialogue is annoyingly slanted toward slander rather than praise. What is UP WITH THAT?? In Conversations with God there is a discussion about "wrong" thought processes and how to remove them. You have to reverse the pattern that created and reinforced them. Designfully choosing actions that move the word then the thought thus reversing the thought, word, deed. Of course you still have the thought about the action first, but the doing of it is resisted or uncomfortable. Doing it anyway, over and over, apparently is the way to re-wire... It's rather bothersome how familiar that sounds! I may have heard that before somewhere? OMG totally tongue in cheek! SHIT!

Awareness of the process itself is the key to a lock. I just got it, just now when I decided to "waste my time thinking about it." Thus my addiction to writing. I learn more from talking to myself than listening to others. Less distractions when listening internally I guess since the only voice I'm tuned into is my own... that's hard enough!! 

I'm officially setting myself free of ALL expectations about anything and everything!!  I will designfully consider each and every expectation before continuing. That's a huge choice, right there. So practicing what I preach, I'll add the following disclaimers: I won't beat myself up if I forget! I will put off making a decision about an expectation if I want to, no pressure to re-expect! The goal is NO EXPECTING just BEING. It would be nice to make a note of the expectations as they surface for later examination, but no pressure there either... if it's convenient, fine. Just to be clear, an expectation is:  
1. the act or state of expecting or the state of being expected
2. something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for: we have ​great expectations for his future, their worst expectations
3. an attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation: to regard something with expectation

I'm not wild about those definitions. I hate it when a form of the word is used in the definition. That's lazy! My own definition is anticipating and defining a specific outcome or behavior and holding myself accountable for it, like a rule or law... or regulation. Maybe I have the wrong word... perhaps I should be assessing my internal regulations, codes and rules and how they are created. Wow, more clarity!  Yee Ha!  Do I totally take myself too seriously or what!!

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