The epiphanies that I've had of late are definitely creating a level of awareness that is making a huge impact on my behaviors. I was going to name this entry "Get Over It Already" but "Talking Out Loud" is a tangible example of me "getting over it..." that works.
I guess the true breakthrough was realizing that I didn't have to comply with all the internal promises, expectations, habits, regulations, rules, guidelines, etcetera ad nauseum. The freedom to be the observer of the thoughts that run a muck constantly spiraling and bouncing around in my head is the true difference. Giving myself permission to "take a moment" and question every thought rather than blindly buy in, accept and run with it.
So I am paying more attention to what I say out loud. I've come to recognize and admit that I don't speak well extemporaneously and that's OK. I had some information to deliver to my Soroptimist group regarding Project Hope & Power. I asked for time, was given 10 minutes and plenty of notice for preparation. I realize speaking is powerful so I don't know why it should surprise me that speaking INTENTIONALLY is wicked powerful.
I was interrupted when I started this post.. so this is now 3 days later, Feb 14 Valentine's day. I went to an AA meeting now I'm sitting at Starbucks in the window in the sun (-8 degrees F outside). I have nothing to do today but just be. I wonder if this is really what growing up is about? Being intentional in every moment. It's kind of the next step after awareness, you're awake... now act like it! Along with the freedom to be the observer, all pressure relieved, it's not an intimidating thing it feels more like a game. I was always afraid to grow up and be responsible, but if this is what it's about then I think I can get used to it.
Intention: (once again, I HATE it when they use the word in the definition!)
1. of or relating to intention or purpose.
1. to have in mind as something to be done or brought about; plan:
2. to design or mean for a particular purpose, use, recipient, etc.:
3. to design to express or indicate, as by one's words; refer to.
4. (of words, terms, statements, etc.) to mean or signify.
5. Archaic. to direct (the eyes, mind, etc.). verb (used without object)
6. to have a purpose or design.
7. Obsolete. to set out on one's course.
I like number 5 because it speaks to a direction without attachment. There's the fine line to be aware, to be intentional without control or attachment. Very cool! I wonder why the dictionary has that marked as Archaic... antiquated, out of date? Who knows, one of those questions really not worth the time to figure out.
It's come to my attention that it will be necessary to be intentional about my eating ongoing. As much as I'd love to not care or not pay attention, I don't think that's realistic. I've decided that a group accountability / support system is necessary so I'm joining Weight Watchers, Meetings start on Wednesday. There's four different meetings so I'll figure out which one resonates. It's a relief to decide this and "have a plan."
I think I'll go to the 10am meeting today also. Can't hurt. Ta ta for now.
The "Navigator" had other plans for me. I ran into Lauren from Soroptimists as I was leaving for the meeting and we ended up chatting for awhile. She's a CPA, I need one due to an odd turn of recent events. Prayers answered without asking... Godwink!
What shall I forgive this day to amuse and delight?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!