Santa Barbara, CA 11-20-2005

There is no evil or bad part of anyone, every component is there to serve in the evolution of the whole.  This includes the identity which is a product of experience, survival, and habits.  The mechanism in place of repeating habits - frees us up to put our attention on other things.  Reviewing the patterns and being aware of them is only necessary when they no longer serve, when they become an obstacle to evolving.  Corrections then and a focus of will and awareness are required to adjust the patterns to ones that serve.

All of this presumes a purpose, something to evolve toward consciously, otherwise the pattern changes would not be guided to a specific other outcome.

I, personally, need to create a specific outcome, passion or purpose to assist in pattern correction - because, while I could exercise will and when myself asks "why?" I should or shouldn't do x or y... I could say "Just because"... which doesn't sit well with me - maybe there's a childhood rebellion / sense of lack of respect saying this.  I believe it would be much more powerful (for the short term) to have a moving and powerful passion, goal, purpose or reason behind it.  If I loved running marathons, for example, or I was training for a physical competition I could "sacrifice" the short term pleasure, desire or habit.  I know this isn't a true exercise of will - that would be doing it or not doing it "just because." I'm not there yet.  I also need a purpose to keep my mind active and busy.

1) I can make it imperative to become a true psychic and exercise my every sense and feeling, intuition and energy - this would require a clear system.
2) I could also say I want to have a child in six months and I want to have a clear system to conceive.

I'm looking for some push other than me just saying so.

Not sure what the core value is in the above stuff... We/I am good no matter what, maybe?.  The rest is a commentary... I should be able to change habits out of pure will but I guess a purpose or passion would be helpful for motivation... it seems as though the bottom line goal is to be physically "clear"... which means, I think, no alcohol no cigarettes... =)  We'll see reference to those two vices A LOT in old journal entries.  Thank SPIRIT and ME... those two things are no longer so all consuming!!  My purpose now is also not such a mystery... ALINEMENT... that's it!

Value 2 - that is giving me challenges.  I have a belief that life does NOT have to be hard or a struggle - a battle, so to speak.  My definition of being hard is being out of alignment - a battle of internal voices.  I guess I also link physical discomfort to the idea of difficult or hard.  I think of all the shifts required this is the meat of it.  I need to let go og my value/belief around things having to always be easy - the opposite of no pain no gain.  I'm not going all the way - the other way- but somewhere in the middle "no temporary discomfort... no gain..." or something like that.  I'm not up for, at this point anyway, having sustained intense physical pain - but short term discomfort is reasonable and apparently natural when shifting into a new pattern - like the soreness after exercise - but intense pain after exercise indicates something is out of balance.

Am I really reading this right now?  Wow!  So this is also an ongoing conversation around exercise and habits in general... cool!!  This motivates me to continue with my workout experiment of a tiny bit every day.  I think perhaps this will leech over into the eating side of things as well.  Give up a bit, bit by bit... don't RUSH!  No cream in the coffee... It is different, however, because it's gradual and positive as apposed to immediate and all or nothing of stopping smoking and drinking.

Up until now I wasn't willing to endure ANY discomfort regardless of the obvious and numerous benefits long term. I now grant and concede that short term discomfort is OK and natural and to be expected - growing pains - a confirmation in a way that the planned shift is actually taking place.  Something to relish and enjoy and be proud of - it is all in my perspective after all!

When I admit that it's not suffering and sacrifice - but temporary discomfort and I support myself with friends and pampering and practices around the shift - I may not need to discover and pursue a burning passionate purpose - right now to move from (here we have it finally) smoking and drinking the rewards for letting go of these things are sufficient on their own.

That brings it full circle somewhat - I've adjusted my belief in an immediate need for discovery of my passion or purpose.  I've agreed to move forward with my shifts knowing that there will be some discomfort but that it's only temporary... One of the supports I'll put in place is more regular scheduled calls with Ness.  

As I continue to read this entry it was all about will power and how to increase my will power in order to stop smoking.  I was "working with" a group in Santa Barbara run by Ness, founder of Synergenics, focused on past life regression therapies.  I'm sure I could find her organization name in my checkbook register from this era.  

I now open the floor for discussion.  Each time we attempt this the lessons present themselves - the last time it was 1) Asking for help 2) Needing a passion or purpose 3) Needing a method or practice for managing the unfamiliar emotions that showed up. Before we agree to move forward again let's examine how we plan to address each area... 

I frequently discuss things with my internal selves when journaling.  Native Americans acknowledge the existence of an internal "council" which may consist of up to 12+ separate "beings" or "personalities" or "voices".  I accept this as true and have had much success and sanity in letting the voices in my head battle it out on paper.  Ultimately my idea of alinement is truly the alinement of these voice/beings/personalities in my mind.  So in the above paragraph I was asking myself for input and I go on to review each of the three things in detail and how they can be beefed up or supported to get to my goal.  I am once again SO GRATEFUL that I have, at long last, figured out how to shut off the obsessive thoughts about smoking and drinking and I can finally move on!!  The next section is a string of one liners I have no idea where they came from...   There are some good ones!

Thanks for Being
Isn't it a nice co-incidence that you and I are both alive @ the same time!
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.
I always know the right thing to say, after the right time to say it has passed.
Your illness license has expired - report back to health immediately.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Come over to my side of the argument: the view is always so clear from here.
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive but are you still alive?
A terrible thing has happened, I've lost my will to suffer.
I think I'll just sit here and wait till life gets easier.
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
I happened to see you passing through my life, so I thought I'd love you.
I'm looking for the perfect pillow - I think it's somewhere near yours.
Try to relax & enjoy the crisis.
You are there and I am here, so one of us is obviously in the wrong place.
If you don't understand, expand.
Peace, where all extremes are in balance.
The practice of pure consciousness feeds your essence.

There is a very LONG poem... very long for me after this entry.  It is posted on the P, P & P page under the title... Forty or is it Fourty?

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