 I'm practicing paying attention to my emotions and feelings. Well, neighbor, let me tell you — I went on quite a ride today! They grabbed me by the heels, held me upside down, and shook HARD. Damn!
The physical adrenaline rush alone was enough to keep me zooming for days. My instinctual, habitual, fear-and-people-pleasing-fixing brain pathways were LIT UP. I mentioned a few days ago how I’d serendipitously reconnected with some old friends and acquaintances, and I was looking forward to blossoming renewed connections and sharing and — holy shit — so much for those delusional expectations! I can say more clearly now: I have opportunities galore to practice my new skills... with some old fart friends. This morning, I received a text message informing me that being friends with me would "compromise their values." Strange doesn’t even begin to cover it. I started tracking the feelings as they arrived: first up, adrenaline — with no particular direction to the energy, just ZING. Next came defensiveness and explaining — a flashing impulse to set the record straight. I was obviously and egregiously misunderstood, right? OF COURSE the best, most normal thing would be to correct the error! Immediately! Vigorously! Off I'd go, building an argument, constructing examples, spinning up explanations like a maniacal cotton candy machine. Surely, surely I was the victim here. Surely! Along with defensiveness came a big fat serving of "being right" and "looking good." How could she think that of me? She didn't even talk to me about it! Cue the old familiar soundtrack: wronged, misunderstood, mistreated, unfair, blah blah blah. SPINNING. I took more than a few deep breaths. I managed — miracle of miracles — to stay standing as the observer, not the participant. I allowed. I accepted. I talked calm and peace to myself. I let the justifiable rage and righteous upset float on by. There I sat — on the riverbank, smiling gently — when grief came roaring in next. Tears. Sadness. Ached-out heart. Sadness for the state of affairs: that people can be so attached to their own beliefs. That connections can close so fast. That intimacy and friendship can turn to dust with no conversation. But I didn't let the "Why? Why? Why?" machine fire up too hard. Deep breath. Tears. Another deep breath. Another wave passed. And then — finally — gratitude. Gratitude that the would-be friend at least recognized their discomfort and acted with integrity. (Or, you know, acted in some way.) I'm guessing it wasn’t an easy message to send. At least I hope not. Gratitude for the clarity. Gratitude for the closure. Gratitude for the truth that hurt but freed. Then, forgiveness. For her. For me. For the pain-bodies and trapped emotions that collide all day long in all of us, just trying to do our best. I'm noticing echoes now — echoes of the first flood of feelings: defending, people-pleasing, fixing, justifying, explaining, spinning wild reasons and scenarios in my head to prove (to whom?) that I am right, wise, good, fair, better, smarter... STOP. Practice. Practice. Practice. Out of the floodwaters. Back to the shore. What an amazing experience. Thank you, old friend for a smashing, parting gift. Out of the water, onto the shore — over and over — until the message finally tattoos itself into my neurons: No need to dive down that dark alley. No need for the spinning. No need for external validation to know my own worth. I am also exceedingly grateful — and here, I one thousand percent concur with David Sedaris — WHAT DO PEOPLE DO WHO CAN'T WRITE ABOUT THIS SHIT??? Thank you, Spirit, for giving me the glorious outlet of writing. No need for more wondering, questioning, analyzing, or proving. Just standing here, letting the waves break... and roll on down the river. Grateful. Forgiving. Free.
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 The image of the body as a living book (The Body of Stories 11/2024) has stayed with me. Not just a book to be read, but one to be rewritten, revisited, and reimagined over time. This body, this mechanism, remains a constant storyteller — shifting, flowing, revising. The stories haven’t stopped unfolding; they have only deepened.
Since that first vision months ago, I find myself in a new phase of listening. Some chapters feel familiar — pages I’ve skimmed before but now have the patience to read more carefully. Other chapters seem to have appeared from nowhere, surprising me with their complexity, tenderness, and weight. My mantras still hold true — There is nothing to fear. There is nothing to prove. There is nothing to fix. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing missing. But now they feel less like something I’m reciting and more like a natural hum beneath my days, shaping the way I meet myself. I don’t have to work so hard to remember them. They are starting to remember me. Meditation is no longer a morning chore, no longer a battle to overcome habitual grumpiness. Something has shifted — perhaps the release of so many trapped emotions has finally cleared a wider channel. Whatever the cause, the background noise in my mind has softened into a kind of calm grace. Where there was once defending, resisting, and protecting, there is now a steady, quiet openness. And seriously, this is huge. I notice it in all kinds of small moments: standing in line, sitting across from a friend, driving alone. I can pull back what feels like a thin veil — a veil of watchfulness, anxiousness — and simply listen, open-hearted and unguarded. It reminds me of standing inside a greenhouse in winter. At first, everything seems cold, brittle, and silent. But if you stand still long enough, you realize it’s full of life: the small creak of growing branches, the almost inaudible hum of energy rising. That’s how this new listening feels — like stepping into a living space that doesn’t need my defense, my opinions, or my point of view to survive. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to prove anything. I can just be there, breathing. Life, of course, hasn’t stayed still either. In recent weeks, I’ve discovered the Landis Arboretum, a beautiful place for walking, wandering, and scheduling Artist’s Dates with myself. The idea of solo adventures, once so tentative, now feels natural and nourishing. My calendar has also filled up, gently and serendipitously, with new dates: old acquaintances who have appeared seemingly out of nowhere, offering renewed friendship, conversation, and laughter at just the right time. And then there’s California. A trip I decided on with almost no overthinking — an instinctive yes. Jo, a friend from Australia, is leading a seminar there, and it felt easier, lighter, more fun to fly across the country than to wonder endlessly whether or not I should go. Will I simply observe? Will I jump in and participate? I don’t know yet. But it doesn't matter. Any adventure is a lovely adventure. The spirit of exploration itself feels like the right answer. I came across a Rumi poem this morning that I hadn't heard before. His words have been shadowing me too — especially a few stanzas from "The Community of Spirit" that seem to capture everything I’m learning, everything I’m living right now: Close both eyes to see with the other eye. Open your hands, if you want to be held. Sit down in this circle. Be empty of worrying. Think of who created thought! Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. Flow down and down in always widening rings of being. I’m beginning to enjoy the mystery again. Not because I solved it, but because I finally stopped trying to manage it. This is what space creation was always about — not a performance, not a purge, but an invitation. And now, with so much static cleared, I can feel the payoff: a naturally calm background where the goodness just flows, no longer blocked, no longer tangled. I didn’t force it. I just made room. And something wise and kind rushed in to fill the space. There is nothing to fear. here is nothing to prove. There is nothing to fix. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing missing. Honestly, it feels like switching from dial-up internet to fiber optic soul-speed. Static quieter. Drama more distant. Subscription to chaos: unsubscribed. Thank you, Spirit. Thank you, nervous system. Thank you, stubborn human heart. May it stay quiet and glorious for a good long while. (And let’s not get crazy, but maybe let Spirit hide the map where I can’t lose it.) Over and out — and tuned in. “Please just fill in your first name and stick the name tag on your left upper chest. Thanks so much—then I can see it easily when you’re seated.” I probably repeated that sentence thousands of times. I was the seminar leader. I even developed the course myself: PRIDE (People Respecting Individual Diversity Extravaganza). Decades ago—before diversity was a thing—I had insights and practices for being just a bit kinder and gentler to yourself and others. Extravaganza? Why yes, of course. It was NOT a "work" shop.
Part of the daylong experience included a closer look at what your values are. What can’t you live without? Family. That was the answer. Frequently. Repeatedly. Honesty, God, and Love came up a lot too. I’d nod thoughtfully when people said “family,” as if it were obvious. But it never felt obvious to me. I thought maybe I just didn’t “get it.” Or maybe it was something broken in me. Still, I led the exercise with conviction. That’s the funny thing about teaching—you don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to create space for the truth to emerge. Now, all these years later, I think I finally understand: I never actually rejected “family” as a value—I just confused it with a Disney fantasy. The truth that emerged recently had everything to do with my actual, local, right-in-front-of-me family experience. My father-in-law passed not long ago, and I had a front-row seat to what real, present-day family looks like—his wife, daughters, grandchildren, and friends all orbiting around him with care and presence. No drama. No resentment. Just wine, blankets, connection, love. All that attention and acknowledgment—it was a blessing to witness. And, if I’m being honest, a bit of a gut punch. Because while I watched all that connection unfold around him, part of me was thinking: That’s what people mean when they say “family.” And just like that, I realized something: I hadn’t rejected the value—I’d just been grieving the version of it I thought I was supposed to have. The fantasy family. The someday sisters. The effortless intimacy that never quite showed up. In the past, I would’ve spun out. Played the victim like it was my part-time job. Blamed everyone and their dog. I could’ve milked it for days—weeks—years, even. But I’ve since learned that blaming “the family” doesn’t actually work. It doesn’t get me anywhere new. In plain old business-speak: it’s ineffective. The ROI on that kind of drama is abysmal. So, when that old inclination pops up, I treat it like a spam call: decline, delete, and move on. And truthfully, I didn’t have a lot of tools back then. Emotional intelligence wasn’t modeled. There was no communication—just silence. “No talk, no touch, no eye contact please!” could’ve been our family crest. It reminded me of the often-hesitant women in my PRIDE seminars—sitting in small circles, nervously sharing truths they’d never considered before. Some proudly claimed family as their core value. Others whispered about Friendship, Joy, and other aspirational values they weren’t quite sure they were allowed to want. And I always said: there’s no right answer—only the one that’s real for you. Turns out, that’s the lesson I needed too. Not the value that sounds noble or looks good on paper. Not the one you inherited by default. And definitely not the one you stitched together in your head with a Norman Rockwell background mural and a backup theme song. Just the value that’s real—for you. So, I’ll ditch the fantasy. Let go of the memo on how to act ‘properly’—you know, the one no one ever actually got. Book the ticket. Go see my mom in September. This time, though, I’m doing it differently—not out of duty or guilt or some weird inherited script, but because I finally understand: I get to create what family means for me now. I get to shape the value of “family” with my one primary remaining blood relative—my mom. I don’t have to follow anyone’s definition. I can be intentional, tender, even bold about it. I can show up with care, with curiosity, and with an eye toward the future. I can build something that makes me feel more present, more connected, more free. I had this strange old belief that I needed to include her new husband, like it would be rude not to. But… hello?! Permission granted. I get to have time with just her. I can whisk her away like a Thelma & Louise movie heroine with a convertible and a rockin' playlist. Is it perfect? No. But it’s personal, it’s present, it’s for real—and it’s mine. Turns out, you don’t need a fantasy family. Just a plane ticket, a mom who still answers your calls, the guts to be real, a playlist that doesn’t include childhood trauma, and a well-earned, awake-and-aware gold star in Living My Actual Life—PRIDE-style. Glitter optional.  This one floated in like a wink from the universe—equal parts ancient knowing and playful reminder. I didn’t sit down to write a poem, I sat down to remember something I'd almost forgotten. Life isn’t a punishment or a puzzle to solve. It’s a game. A treasure hunt. A deeply personal, often hilarious, sometimes maddening adventure in trust and love and letting go.
And once you stop trying to win or finish or get it right—once you let the heart speak—you start to hear it whisper: "Love the game." Enjoy. Love the Game I feel it rising-- a spark, a pull, a plan not of the mind but of the heart. A wish. A dream. A soul-deep signal I can almost remember. My soul has a hunch. A scent on the wind, a shimmer on the path. This is not new. It’s a treasure hunt-- Hide & seek across lifetimes... A game I've played for centuries. And centuries more will unfold before it's done. Enjoy THIS journey. Stop asking why. Just play the game, Be bliss, now. All is well-- so says my heart to me. Beyond what eyes can see, trust is alive. Each moment brims-- no waiting, no holding back. Just dive in. No worries. The bonds I form, the skills I gather-- they’ll travel with me into the next round. So Love, scoop them up-- both the pain and the pleasure, the agony, the awe. No harm, no foul. You’re collecting treasures. Each one, a different face of the same sacred coin. Perhaps or not. No matter. So trust the game. Play full out. And when in doubt—laugh. A lot. Because really-- there’s no prize for suffering, no points for perfection, no villain, no flaw, no missing piece. And I am certain, truly— there’s nothing to fear, nothing to fix, nothing to prove, nothing wrong, and absolutely nothing missing. Tag, you’re it. Game on.  I’ve heard it said—and I believe it—that every experience has a bright side, a learning opportunity. As humans with free will, how we choose to observe and interpret each moment is one of our built-in superpowers. That said, let’s be real: some emotions are sticky and stormy, unwilling to reveal their purpose, plan, or lesson. Anger, for instance. For most of my life, I’ve shoved it aside, numbed it out, softened the edges. Rarely do I allow myself to honor it, honestly and fearlessly.
And let me tell you—yesterday, it refused to be ignored. It wasn’t just a 'weird-dream' morning crankiness—I’ve danced that dance. This was deeper, sharper, and harder to shake. This was insatiable. Unquenchable. I tried movement shaking and dancing it away. Still there. It clung to me like static and insisted on closer inspection. Fine. What?! What?? And there it was. Not just anger. FURY. A tidal wave. “I want to be thin!” it screamed. Not politely or wistfully. Not in a wellness-goal, intention-setting, affirming kind of way. This was primal. Rageful. A red-hot eruption that cut through all my delusional bypassing. It didn’t care about cultural expectations or body-positive compassion or moderate, reasonable self-talk. It did not want balance. It wanted TRUTH. And apparently, the truth was: I’m fed up. I’m fed up with the excuses, the gentle indulgences, the soothing stories. I’m sick of being hungry, of negotiating with cravings, of pretending I’m at peace when my body is screaming for more. It felt good to admit it. Even to hate it. Even to hate myself for the never ending sabotage and inevitable spiral. I wrote furiously: "I’m sick and tired of being HUNGRY. I don’t want to be hungry ever again. FUCK you, hunger! I can’t trust you. You LIE! I am not in need of anything for 14 days." What a relief. That’s the power of fury—it doesn’t negotiate. It slices through the noise and lays it bare. Beneath all my gentle intentions was a core truth: I’d been pretending balance and moderation were enough, but I was faking it. Something inside me knew it wasn’t right—I was waiting for the shoe to drop, for old behavior to sneak back in. I couldn’t detach. I was tangled in familiar patterns and wishful thinking. Fury cut through all of it like a hot knife. Brutal, yes—but brilliantly clear. My goal wasn’t aligned with what my body really wanted. Fury to the rescue—who knew? Without it, I might still be fake-moderating my way through madness, AGAIN! So I made a decision* (cut off all other options). I’m fasting. Cleansing. Just tea and water. Nothing to fix, just a system reset. And you’d be shocked by how right it feels. Everything I’ve done up to this point—clearing out trigger foods, hoarding detox tea (Nettle, Hibiscus, Chaga, Burdock Root, Ginger, Mango Ginger, Smooth Move, Fenugreek, Raspberry, Mullein… I could open a shop)—all of it suddenly clicked. Even aspirin made the cut. (Caffeine withdrawal is no joke.) By the afternoon meditation time, I wasn’t glowing—I was quiet. Hollowed out, in the best possible way. Not because the hunger had vanished, but because something deeper had surfaced: a decision that felt cellular. The old part of me—the excuse-maker, the gentle negotiator, the saboteur—had stepped aside (at least for the moment). Not with drama, but with a kind of weary bow. In her place was something stripped down, steady, and certain. I didn’t feel triumphant. I felt emptied. Clear. Like the hunger had finally named itself, and with that truth came peace. During that afternoon's meditation, so many thoughts drifted past like boats on a river—some familiar, some surprising. No need to chase or catalog them. But somewhere mid-stream, something different floated by—something quieter, but undeniable. I caught a glimpse of what it might mean to give away my emptiness. To surrender that vague, gnawing sense of not enough. That restless current of longing—for acknowledgement, for intimacy, for stillness—that never quite names itself, never feels fully satisfied. It was just there, bobbing gently in the flow, waiting for me to notice. A subtle shimmer beneath the surface. And I saw it. I COULD LET GO OF EMPTINESS ITSELF. I could actually turn that over. Let that go. Not fix it. Not soothe it. Not embrace or honor it. Just let it go. And honestly? I was floored. How had I missed this? After all that searching, it turns out, this emptiness inside wasn’t some sacred portal or cosmic to-do list item. It was just... noise. A drama queen with a fog machine. Hunger’s shady cousin wearing a different costume. Spiritual static dressed up as deep longing. And suddenly, I didn’t need to decode it or dive into it or drag it to therapy. I could just laugh, wave, and let that slippery bastard float downstream. Poof. Fury, it turns out, is brilliant—when you let her have the mic. Not forever. Not on repeat. But for that one knockout moment of clarity? She slaps. She doesn’t whisper affirmations or light candles—she kicks the door in, points at the truth, and dares you to deal with it. And when you do? When you really listen and let her burn off the bullshit? You don’t just feel lighter. You are lighter. So yeah, I’m sipping my absurd teas, giving my saboteur a well-earned nap, and leaning into this strange, radiant relief. Hunger can take a hike. Emptiness too. For now, I’ve got fury in my corner—and she’s not here to coddle. She’s here to set me free. * decision(n.) mid-15c., decisioun, "act of deciding," from Old French décision (14c.), from Latin decisionem (nominative decisio) "a decision, settlement, agreement," noun of action from past-participle stem of decidere "to decide, determine," literally "to cut off," from de "off" (see de-) + caedere "to cut" (from PIE root *kae-id- "to strike"). (Source: https://www.etymonline.com/word/decision)  It was mid-COVID lockdown. I was retired—twice. Once from my own business helping seniors downsize and move. And before that, from a 30-year corporate career that sent me to all 50 states helping women navigate the world of school nutrition programs. I'd lived in multiple states, partnered in multiple relationships, and completed every course in the School of Self-Improvement—but something was still missing. Let’s count the real starting point as May or June 2020.
At that time, I had six-plus years of sobriety and five-plus years free from smoking (what I call being “smober”). I’d worked the 12 Steps with multiple sponsors and was now attending a Zoom-based 12 Step Workshop that began with Steps 10 through 12. That felt new. Different. I liked it. My new sponsor lived in Australia and was no-nonsense in the best way. She insisted I meditate. Daily. I wasn’t totally new to meditation—I’d done it before, sometimes for long stretches—but my motivation had always been spotty. This time, I decided to follow through. Two minutes a day, she said. Thirty days. Be accountable - and something shifted. JoAnne, my Australian sponsor, was laser-focused on Step 11: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” I wasn’t totally sold. God—capital G or not—was still a big question mark for me. Improving conscious contact or deciphering divine will wasn’t exactly at the top of my to-do list. But peace of mind? Joy? Freedom? Game on, I hadn’t given up on that. I’d never given up on transformation. Over the years, I’d searched high and low, through and beyond the edges of both mainstream and woo-woo: Religion, Native American shamans, Tony Robbins' Personal Power, past-life regressions, fasting, wheatgrass shots, LSD, Landmark Education (EST), tarot spreads, therapy of every flavor, brainwave retraining, Reiki, the Tao, and every diet and cleanse imaginable. But wait, there's more! Crystals (carried, cleansed, and charged under the full moon). Sweat lodges. Singing bowls and chanting monks. Acupuncture. Acupressure. Astrologers who charged by the star chart. Chiropractors who claimed to realign my soul. Chinese herbs applied to the soles of my feet or brewed into bitter teas. Drumming circles. Dancing Wiccans. From leg warming aerobics through jazzercise and Beach Body to Zumba. Guided visualizations. Actualizations. Affirmations stuck to every mirror. Pillow punching. Vision Quests. Optimum Health Institute (including multiple colonics for a fee). Gratitude lists. Feng Shui cures involving mirrors, fountains, and red string. Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping until I cried or laughed or both). Chakra balancing. Yoga in Sedona on the vortex. Walking on hot coals (thanks again, Tony). Vision boards so packed with magazine clippings they could wallpaper a bathroom. Wonder drugs. Palm reading. Et cetera, ad nauseam. What kept me moving forward all this time was journaling, fearless open-mindedness, perseverance—and perhaps what some might call delusional trust in, not God, but something inside guiding me: intuition, for lack of a better word. It could be my Grandmother or a Guardian angel. Through all the crystals and cleanses, the teachers and techniques, journaling was the one thing that stayed. It saved me. It held me steady when nothing else did, and over time, those pages became the first place I noticed a quiet voice I hadn’t known I was listening for. On the outside, my life looked good. On the inside, I was FINE (Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional). I was also curious, smart, organized, introverted, financially sound, and romantically set. I felt mostly okay. Balanced-ish. But not quite there. Apathy had started to creep in—disillusionment with institutions, politics, religion and especially people in groups. I was allergic to victim mentalities and excuse-making. (Oof. You spot it, you got it.) That same sponsor from Australia helped snap me out of my illusion of controlling anyone or anything. That was another huge shift. And so, I started meditating again. And again. And again. Eventually, I signed up to become a meditation teacher—not necessarily to teach, but to learn more deeply, from someone I respected, in a Zoom room. Thank you, COVID. I was searching for something to sink my teeth into—something real, trustworthy, and transformative. I didn’t want fluff. I wanted substance. A compass. A north star. After years of meditation, my teacher davidji finally got through to me: the point isn’t to stop thinking—it’s to stop spinning long enough to notice there’s something else. Something deeper. Something within. What surprised me most was how open and inclusive the teachings were. davidji didn’t offer dogma or rules—he offered possibility. The Meditation Teacher Training wasn’t just “how to meditate” or “how to teach.” It was a firehose of wisdom from across the ages and traditions—Vedic, Buddhist, Taoist, Christian mysticism, neuroscience, quantum physics, poetry, breath, mantra, intention, silence. Everything was on the table. I didn’t have to believe any of it. I didn’t have to pick a side or check a box. I just had to listen, try it out, and see what resonated in my body, in my breath, in my being. That kind of permission? It was a huge exhale. For the first time, I could trust myself to explore what worked—without guilt, without second-guessing, and without anyone else’s rules ringing in my ears. It wasn’t about mastering someone else’s method. It was about discovering my own way in. I kept journaling, kept meditating, kept listening. And little by slowly, I began to recognize that the quiet voice on the page—and in the silence—wasn't random. It had rhythm. It had clarity. It didn’t shout or demand. It whispered, nudged, winked. It offered insight I hadn’t thought of, options I hadn’t considered. It wasn’t always comfortable, but it was always honest. It wasn't always easy but if I followed along, it always seemed to work out in a grand fashion. And somewhere along the way, I realized: this wasn’t just my imagination or wishful thinking. It was something real, something within and beyond me—a guidance system I could actually trust. I didn’t have a name for it at first. It wasn’t God in the traditional sense, and it certainly wasn’t anything I’d been taught in church or school. It felt more like an inner knowing, a wise best friend who’d been quietly riding shotgun my whole life, waiting for me to notice. Eventually, I started calling it my DMGS—my Divine Magical Guidance System. Built-in. Always available. The more I paused and tuned in, the more I realized it had been there all along, buried under layers of noise, doubt, fear, expectation, and distraction. Not something I needed to find “out there.” Not something to earn or perfect. Just something I had to look inward to remember. You can call it whatever you like: God, Spirit, the Universe, Higher Power, Inner Knowing. I don’t care. What matters is that you connect with it. Trust it. Learn how to listen. What really matters is that I stopped searching OUTSIDE myself—for someone, something, some idea or pill or guru to fix things for good. The game changed the moment I turned my gaze inward. That’s where the journey begins. That’s where the truth lives. That’s what this book is about: the journey of tuning in. Of learning to listen. Of letting go of compulsive fixing, proving, and seeking. It's not a how-to. It’s not linear. It’s a field guide, a companion, a collection of stories and poems, insights and invitations. What worked, what didn’t. Where I started, what happened, and what it’s like now. And maybe—if you’re willing to pause, soften, and listen too—it’ll help you tune into your own DMGS and discover what’s been there all along, just waiting for your attention.  I’ve danced with fearless before. Back in 2003, a little truth whispered its way into my bones: there is no evil. I didn’t shout it from the rooftops—but I lived it. Quietly. Like a secret handshake with the Universe.
But now? My DMGS isn’t whispering. It’s practically singing backup vocals with glitter and jazz hands: The world isn’t even broken. The poem that arrived today is the evolution. The sassier sequel. Fix-Free doesn’t just remember Fearless—it builds on her shoulders, throws off the repair manual, and reminds me (again and again) that there’s nothing to fix. Just something to love. Starting here. Fix-Free There’s a lovely truth peeking out at me. I’ve sensed it before. The perspective is resurfaced. It’s simple, repetitive-- a brainworm of a concept. Dismissively unfussy. Also divisive and delicate. The world is not broken. Five words. There is no evil. Four words. They topple & strangle our modern sensibilities, our entire perspective-- of earth, of others-- of life now turned on its head. Upside down, backasswards, swirling in NOT SO! Forest, meet the trees. Let it sink in, soak up. What to do? What to be? If there is nothing out there to fix or fight, fear or defend? A concept so lovely—so alarming. Are you, brave soul-- Horrified? Fearful? Indignant? Upset? Traumatized? Mortified? Contemptuous? Superior? Avoiding? Numb? It is a rather harrowing, bullshit-shattering, grandiosity-wrecker in four words or five. What about those four little words-- did they even register? There is no evil. Does that spin you out? Four tiny words, mocking centuries of fear-based morality, punishment, and control. Not saying harm doesn’t happen-- but it changes the story. It doesn’t excuse. But it transforms. From blame to curiosity. From attack to inquiry. From righteousness to real compassion. That kind of shift? Is dangerous. And sacred. And delicious. Does it stir up any individual responsibility? Does it offer relief? Hope? Freedom? What to do—create? What to be—present? The world is not broken. Five words. There is no evil. Four words. I have always prided myself on my above-average fixing, defending, proving, being-right, looking-good skill sets. Until I realized I’d LOST MYSELF by casting a shadow so big I couldn’t see, literally, the forest for the trees. Shhhush now. Far be it from me to shatter the delusion or interrupt the heartbreak, anxiety judgement, and drama you’re so addicted to. Forget it… never mind. Shhhush. Shush now. Turn the page—move along. I won’t defend or argue, Convince or cajole. You see the freedom, you know the truth-- and it’s our little secret. Or you don’t—yet. It’s all good. Peace out. We’re not just talking politics, climate change, or central banking conspiracies (though, chef’s kiss to that trifecta of existential dread). We’re talking about the whole enchilada—our worldview, inherited myths, and the deep-seated belief that if we don’t fix it all right now, everything goes to hell. But then comes the pause. The breath. That tiny turn inward. Your DMGS hums softly, and you remember—there’s another way. It’s uncomfortable at first, like coming out of the woods into bright sunlight. But then your soul’s pupils dilate. Once your inner compass locks on, you can’t unsee the truth. The world’s not broken. You’re not broken. And that fix-it compulsion? Just background noise. Now rewind 20+ years when I was just learning to tune into my DMGS and the major static wasn't about fixing it was all about fear. Fearless (2003) Evil? There is no evil. I saw, I felt this truth this morning. In the sky something lifted, Like a cloud I couldn’t see and didn’t know was there. And light of a lighter quality was present all around me. And the burden of living in subtle, constant, nagging fear was lifted. No fear of judgment, meeting strangers. No fear of loss, meeting friends. I choose not to give life to judgment, to loss. Without my thought or breath, they do not exist. How will it be now? To live each moment as a precious gift of love? Open – accepting, observing and watching for the opportunity to give love back to all creation? Even to me? How will it be now? To see the sweetness, the gentle lesson, the good chance, pre-sent in each moment – Just so I may remember who I Am? How will it be now To feel? To laugh? To love? Without fear – I am remembering. (mic drop) Lately, I’ve been fascinated by the power of questions. How do we ask the right ones? How do we recognize the answers? These are central to my understanding of DMGS, and as I dig deeper into different perspectives, I find new language to refine my own knowing. That’s why Gary Zukav’s discussion on intuition and awareness in The Seat of the Soul struck me so deeply.
"To the five-sensory personality (5P), intuitive insights or hunches occur unpredictably and cannot be counted upon. To the multisensory personality (MP), intuitive insights are registrations within its consciousness of a loving guidance that is continually assisting and supporting its growth. Therefore, the multisensory personality strives to increase its awareness of this guidance." (Page 65) To Zukav, the difference between a five-sensory and a multi-sensory personality is profound: one dismisses intuition as an oddity, the other sees it as a direct line to something greater. I love this distinction because it perfectly captures what I’ve been experiencing myself. The more I trust my DMGS, the clearer the promptings become. Zukav expands on this idea by explaining that insights, intuitions, hunches, and inspirations are not random occurrences but messages from the soul—or from advanced intelligences assisting the soul on its evolutionary journey. The multi-sensory person, he says, honors intuition in a way the five-sensory person does not. To the five-sensory individual, these moments of knowing are mere curiosities. To the multi-sensory individual, they are prompts and links to a higher intelligence—one of greater comprehension and compassion. "The first step to this awareness is becoming aware of what you are feeling. Following your feelings will lead you to their source. Only through emotions can you encounter the force field of your own soul." He provides an example of a husband's reaction to his wife working late. Instead of blindly reacting, he suggests asking powerful questions: Why does the news of this meeting affect me this way? Why do I still feel disturbed? Perhaps I don’t trust that she would really prefer to be with me? Does my experience support my suspicion? What is my motivation? Zukav emphasizes that we may not always be capable of hearing the answers when we ask, and the answers may not always come in ways we expect. Sometimes they come in the form of a feeling—a yes-feeling or a no-feeling. Other times, they arrive as a memory, a sudden thought that seems random at first, or even a dream. Sometimes the answer unfolds through an experience that occurs the next day. But, as he reminds us, "Ask and you shall receive" is the rule, but you must learn how to ask and how to receive." Each time I read something like this and connect the dots to my own experiences, I’m flabbergasted! Just yesterday, I was talking with Juanita about the power of questions. Before that, I was discussing the Socratic method with someone else. And now, here is Zukav, insisting that questions—when asked with sincerity—always receive an answer. But what really stands out to me is his emphasis on feelings as the pathway. Without the pause—that essential gap between stimulus and response—it’s nearly impossible to recognize these intuitive answers. Without that stillness, we get swept up in conditioned reactions, triggering someone else’s reaction, setting off an unconscious domino effect. The pause isn’t just helpful—it’s essential for untangling what’s actually happening inside. I reorganized some of Zukav’s words for clarity, but his message is crystal clear. The answers we seek are already available within us. We’ve just never been taught precisely how to ask the right questions or how to listen for the answers. This pretty clearly defines my current mission! My practice of tuning into feelings aligns exactly with what he describes, but what I hadn’t articulated fully until now is how essential it is to develop the ability to receive the answers as well. So now, I ask: what questions am I ready to hear the answers to? And what about you?  So many people love tropical beach vacations. I am not one of them.
I recently talked myself into visiting the Bahamas, thinking that a long-time friend—who happens to be a travel professional—would help me experience the magic others seem to find in such places. And sure, I went, I experienced, I took stunning photos. The colors of the water were unreal, the beaches whiter than white. I had a lovely time… and I also left early, never needing to go back. When people ask me about my trip, I find myself quiet or repeating the same rehearsed line: "It’s beautiful, the colors are stunning, I’ve never seen blues like that." All true. And yet, I was expecting more—even when I thought I wasn’t expecting at all! How does that happen? I'm familiar with the phrase, "Humans are meaning-making machines." Are we also expectation-making machines? Because I swear, I did my best to go in open-minded. I wasn’t looking for a “transformational” experience, a spiritual awakening, or even the best vacation ever. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. And yet, there I was, wandering the pristine beaches, wondering what I was doing there. Maybe it’s because I’m naturally more of a cold weather person. Maybe it’s because I burn just thinking about the sun. Maybe it’s because sweating while doing nothing feels like an attack on my personal comfort (unless I'm in a sauna). So here’s my challenge: Can I tell the truth and frame it positively? Can I focus on what I learned, confirmed, or observed? For example:
I genuinely admire the people who do enjoy this type of vacation. I respect the art of perfecting the beach day, the patience required to lounge, the ability to truly relax and soak it all in. But I also know myself well enough now to say: It’s just not for me. And there’s something freeing about that. Maybe the real value of the trip wasn’t in finding some newfound love for tropical vacations but in confirming what I already suspected! How often do we go through life thinking we should enjoy something just because it’s widely adored? That if we just did it right, we’d have the same experience as everyone else? The trip was beautiful, and I’m grateful for the experience. AND I no longer have to wonder if I’d enjoy the whole tropical island paradise thing. I don’t. And that’s okay. Isn't it interesting that it feels like a problem to simply not prefer something that most people do. If I said, "I don’t like sushi," no one would think I’m a complaining crazy person. They’d just nod and say, "Oh yeah, not for everyone!" But when I say, "I don’t love tropical vacations," there’s this awkward pause—like I’ve rejected some universal truth about leisure and relaxation. But what if I didn’t feel the need to soften it for other people’s comfort? What if I just owned it? "I don’t love tropical vacations. Never have. Never will. Some people love the sun and sand, and I prefer the cold. Ain’t it beautiful how we’re all wired differently?" Boom. No guilt. No second-guessing. No need to justify or prove anything. Just truth—clean, simple, and free. Now that is a vacation mindset worth bringing home. 😉  The practice of pausing is paying off. I actually find myself, in a moment of decision, stopping—checking in with my inner teacher, higher power, whatever-you-want-to-call-it. And frequently, the answer that comes back is the same: "It doesn’t matter." At first, this response felt dismissive—like some cosmic brush-off. But the more I listen, the more I realize: the pause itself is the answer. In that space, the pressure to "get it right" disappears. The illusion that every choice is critical, every moment leading to some fateful, inescapable outcome, starts to dissolve. I had this unreasonable expectation that with synchronicity and "God winks" everywhere, every decision I made had to be deeply significant, leading me down a perfect magical path to a perfect outcome. Yikes, that’s pressure.
But again: "It doesn’t matter." This phrase shows up in the simplest places. Should I call so-and-so? Should I go to this meeting or that one? Should I email or write or meditate now? Should I buy this or that? Should I say something or stay still? Turns out, most of the time, it really doesn’t matter. The level of gravity I place on these questions is often just a reflection of my own anxiety, my need to control things, my craving for certainty. But pausing pulls me out of that spiral. Instead of gripping onto the decision, I get to step back and witness—without urgency, without attachment, without weight. The pause is everything. It is the space between impulse and action, where I get to question my automatic reactions instead of being dragged along by them. When I hit the pause button, I interrupt the script. I make room for something new. It’s in that moment that I get to ask: Is this real? Is this necessary? Is this true? Without the pause, I react from habit. From old conditioning, old fears, old expectations—many of which aren’t even mine. Cultural beliefs. Family narratives. The shoulds, the musts, the knee-jerk justifications and rationalizations that keep me locked in patterns I don’t even realize I’m repeating. Pausing is the antidote. It’s the simplest, most radical way to reclaim awareness, choice, and honesty in real time. Who, me? Pretentious? Grandiose? Just a tiny bit pompous? What? No! SLAP! Amazing how simple and unemotional the response in my mind appears, smooth and quiet, like water over stone: "It doesn’t matter. And… it’s OK." But occasionally, if I sit with the silence just a moment longer, I’ll hear something else: "But… it would be fun to _____." Sometimes the nudge makes sense. Other times, it’s totally unexpected. And in that moment, fun replaces force, ease replaces overthinking, and I just… follow it. Then, there are the times when the pause doesn’t bring peace—it brings something darker. Lately, I’ve been present to a lack of self-confidence, a smoke-like saboteur lingering at the edges of my awareness. The voice of self-doubt, rebellion, resistance. I recognized it instantly—the same one I fought during my Never Binge Again era. The part of me that hates being contained. Pause. "It doesn’t matter." But then another whisper: "You may want to allow it. Explore it." Really? That seems scary and odd. Shouldn’t I try to whisk it away with some happy color or ignore it until it leaves on its own? Oh. Here’s a chance to actually practice what I’ve learned. Allow it. Explore it. Observe, honor, release. And when I do—when I sit with it instead of fighting it—I see it clearly: the hatred is just fear. The fear is grounded in not feeling safe. So I try something different. As an experiment, I spent an entire day repeating a simple phrase: "I am safe." Every spare open space in my thoughts, I filled with it. I paused to remind myself: I am safe. That is all. No long explanation. No overanalyzing. And then I asked: Does that apply right now? To this English muffin? To this car ride? To this song on the radio? To this conversation, this feeling, this thought? And you know what? It did. Pausing gave me the space to notice reality instead of assumption. To separate feeling unsafe from actually being unsafe. To recognize how often my thoughts create tension where there is none. The pause is truth serum. It asks: What’s actually happening, right now? Not the story, not the fear, not the future projection. Just now. So, I keep pausing. I keep asking, "Does this actually matter?" and listening for the answer. And more often than not, I hear the same thing: "Nope. Not today It doesn’t." But what does matter? Presence. Curiosity. The ease that comes when I stop chasing and start trusting. The choice to rewrite the patterns that no longer serve me. The ability to step outside my habitual responses and meet life as it is—not as I assume it to be. That’s what the pause reveals every time. And shit, that matters. "The image is a ZenTangle piece of art that I created.. This piece reflects my process—pausing, untangling, letting clarity emerge. The rigid lines remind me of the mental frameworks and expectations I unknowingly carry, while the mushrooms grow freely, expanding within and around them. Pausing isn’t about tearing down structure; it’s about softening, making space for what wants to grow. Clarity isn’t forced—it reveals itself when I stop gripping so tightly. So I pause, I breathe, I untangle."  I’m blushing with joy that the poems are flowing again. This is the way of it. I’ve learned that anxious desire or wistful wishing doesn’t bring the words. The flow of wisdom is always present—I’m just not always tuned in. And that, too, is perfectly perfect. But when I do tune in—when I hear the words, see the images, feel the cadence of something waiting to be spoken—I recognize it instantly. It’s a gift, a pulse, a whisper, a flood. And so, if you don’t quite understand poetry or haven’t historically enjoyed it, well… so sorry for you. But just for now, let go of any old ideas about what poetry is or isn’t. Read it aloud, softly or boldly. Shout it. Sing it. Let it move through you. Notice if your own wise self is drawn to something revealed. A poem is just a pointer to something grand and lovely. What it points to for you is yours alone. Enjoy. Held & Free In and out, round and round-- expanding, contracting, tight—loose—tie it off. Open wide, breathe it in. Shut down, spit it out. The sphere of my experience pulsates, glitters, skims chaos, tightens down-- lovely, cozy, healing, quiet. It is a sphere, isn’t it? Not a circle. The energy ebbs and flows in at least three dimensions, probably seven-- in front, behind, above, below, left, right, past, future, now. Some say, “Create a bubble” to protect yourself-- against… what? What you don’t want? I say, shift your perception, pop the bubble. Notice—your sphere was always there, “protecting” you-- if you need protecting at all. I’m not a fan of protection-- let nature take its course, trust your knowing. My sphere tightens, taking stock, energy ricocheting through the corridors of memory, dream, and desire, brushing past fear, weaving through expectation. I’ll take my time inside. No rush. Enjoy your chaos, your drama-- I am here, drawn to my light, curious about its paradox-- shutting down to open up, withdrawing to advance, pausing—listening-- to surrender, to love, whatever comes next. The soundest truth, the one I choose to believe, rises, spills-- pouring from the inside out. Hello, my Love. What’s next? A recording of this poem as a song below. Created and gifted to me by a good friend. Enjoy!   A vacation is a lovely opportunity to rediscover how much you love being home. At least, that’s what I felt after returning from Treasure Cay, Bahamas. There’s something about stepping away that makes you see everything more clearly—the familiar spaces, the routines, the quiet comforts that hold you in ways you don’t always notice. I came back not just grateful for my physical home, but for the deeper home I’ve created within myself—the one built through reflection, trust, and the slow layering of becoming. This morning, I sifted through old posts, journals, and notes, feeling the threads of something coming together—perhaps a book, perhaps something else. I could see, in my own words, the shape of how I’ve arrived here—not all at once, but piece by piece, returning and refining. Like home, like becoming, it’s never just one moment—it’s a continuous unfolding. And as I sat with this awareness, this poem came through. Enjoy. Becoming: Shake Well Before Use "Wouldn’t it be nice?" she sighs-- Then I could ________! Then I would _______! Then I'd feel _______! Then I'd show ______! Then I'd look ______! Then I'd finally know ________! Wouldn’t that be lovely? Read & re-read that first stanza-- over & over & over. Fill in the blanks. OBSERVE—NOTICE—STAND. DWELL—BROOD—SIT in your words, the images conjured, the feelings & energy flowing and weaving. Step in—step out. Walk ‘round "it." Take your time. Rushing is resistance! Fly over, float through, turn it upside-down. Swing back & forth, forth & back-- again & again. Just when you imagine you’ve “got it”-- DIVE UNDER! Root around, SHOVEL—SIFT—SORT. MUSE—MULL—REVOLVE. Whisper wise words & continue to wonder at the ease & grace of “it.” Return again to stanza one. LATHER—RINSE—REPEAT. No hurry—not racing, only living as witness. Hold it gently—the texture pressing against your thumb. Turning it in your hand, examining the colors, the reflections—the spice. Isn’t “it” nice?! Pore over “it” like water, flowing into each nook & cranny. And when you know it by heart-- start again at stanza one. CELEBRATE—CONTEMPLATE—CONSIDER. RETURN—REWIND—ENTWINE! Until at last, it’s not just “nice”-- it’s necessary. It’s already real. And so I create & become. Alternate Title: Step In – Step Out – Spin Around… Become!   I have learned so many stellar lessons recently, and one of the biggest is this: there is no rush. Taking my time, moving at my own personal pace, is not just important—it’s critical for the most graceful unfolding of my life. When I slow down, everything becomes clearer. I picture myself following a trail through the woods, much like the one in the image below. Sometimes, the path is obvious and well-marked. Other times, it vanishes altogether. That’s my cue to pause, to be still, to hang out and take in the breathtaking beauty around me. The trail will reveal itself again when it’s ready. The pause is never a failure —it’s a required part of the journey. And patience is not just advisable; it’s essential. When I drill down into specific lessons, they don’t present themselves in a neat, linear fashion. In fact, nothing in nature is truly linear. I learned this firsthand on a 10-day vision quest near Moab, Utah in the 1990s. The experience was guided by a group trained by the Native American teacher Sun Bear, and it completely altered how I experience nature, time, progress, and movement through life. One of the biggest revelations came after the quest. Returning to “civilization,” I struggled to do something as simple as "phone home" which required dialing a long-distance access code + the home number. Before the trip, I could have done it without hesitation. But after days "questing", of deep immersion in nature, my brain resisted that mechanical, structured task. The mental gymnastics it took to recall that number shocked me. I was also awestruck by the physical feelings and sensation of moving in a car at 40MPH after spending so long on foot in the desert. That experience cemented something I still believe today—our paths, our learning, our growth, are not linear. Not mine. Not yours. Not anyone’s. So how do I select which topics or antidotes or epiphanies to share? Pure intuition. A gut reaction (in case you were wondering). I am endlessly amazed by the feedback I receive on my writing. What moves people, what inspires them, what resonates—it’s never predictable. I don’t pretend to know what is universal wisdom and what is just my own experience, but I do know that sharing my journey is valuable. Even if only one person finds something useful, that’s enough. Writing helps me assess my own clarity, motives, and next steps. But journalling isn’t for everyone. Neither is meditation, music, or sports. What works for me may not work for everyone, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to find a universal path—it’s to honor our own unique one. I recently read something in David Hawkins’ book Letting Go that completely flipped my understanding of emotions and thoughts. I had always assumed thoughts created emotions. But Hawkins suggests it’s the other way around—that our feelings generate thought patterns. That means if I can release a trapped emotion, I’m also letting go of the hundreds of thoughts that orbit around it—an idea that feels both liberating and wildly appealing As a meditator and witness to the insane number of hamster-wheel thought loops in my head, I am willing to do just about anything to shift from a chaotic mind to something more intentional, more peaceful. So, I created a simple acronym—because the world clearly doesn’t have enough of them—OHR: Observe, Honor, Release. Instead of getting lost in my thoughts, I practice this:
When I created the OHR (Observe, Honor, Release) acronym, I thought I had everything I needed—a simple, intuitive way to work through emotions. But I quickly realized I was missing something essential: I had no real language for what I was experiencing. Noticing a feeling was one thing, but without labels, definitions, and distinctions, the process was too vague. It was like trying to navigate with a blurry map. How could I release something I couldn’t even properly identify? Since my emotional intelligence was a bit thwarted at a young age, this is all fresh, curious, heart-pumping, and adventurous for me. I have been working with The Emotion Code flashcards and recently discovered Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart. Both have been unexpectedly helpful tools, giving me language and structure for emotions I may have felt but never quite defined. That’s where both the flash cards and Brown’s work became fascinating. She differentiates between things like envy and jealousy, stealthy expectations vs. mindful expectations—distinctions I had never considered before. I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I’m especially looking forward to the section on positive emotions. What does she say about awe, amusement, love, trust, wonder, curiosity, and surprise? I’m approaching all of this in a judgment-free way—not trying to force myself to feel differently, but letting myself explore and understand without urgency. And in that process, sometimes just naming what I’m feeling—even if the label shifts later—makes all the difference. Maybe these are the real keys: I’m not in a hurry. I’m not expecting this journey to be linear. I trust that labels are just stepping stones—not limitations. I trust that this work unfolds exactly as it’s meant to. And best of all? I’m actually having a blast. Stay tuned!   "Your body is a temple." "You should treat your body like a temple." These are familiar old sayings I remember hearing occasionally when I was young. I understand the idea—to treat your body as sacred and holy. No one in my immediate family was a living example of this, so I can't remember ever taking this platitude very seriously. Come to fine out it was thoroughly ingrained, however, who knew! In fact, I distanced myself from all things religious pretty much as soon as I was emancipated. This distance applied to anything and everything related to Catholicism or any religion in general and extended to places of worship too, now that I think of it. I was in a church for the very first time in decades on my trip to Iceland and Ireland. (The building in my images is the Evangelical-Lutheran church Hallgrimskirkja in the center of Reykjavík.) During a recent BYOB (Be Your Own Bestie) meditation, the image of a temple—very similar to the one I saw in Reykjavik—appeared with a big X over it, clear as a bell. Funny how resistance, guilt, and who knows how many other tangled associations with religion and religious spaces had somehow bled over into my own caring concern for my body. The message landed instantly: my body is not a temple. Another shortsighted, misunderstood, and overused dictum bites the dust! And honestly, it feels a little blasphemous to say that out loud—maybe even to think it. After all, doesn't rejecting the temple analogy sound like rejecting reverence, rejecting care, rejecting something sacred? Aren’t we supposed to treat our bodies with the same devotion, the same meticulous attention that a temple commands? But that’s exactly where the disconnect is. The problem isn’t reverence—it’s the rigid, artificial holiness imposed on something that is anything but rigid or artificial. My body is not a stone monument built for worship. It is not a pristine sanctuary meant to be tiptoed around in hushed voices and dim lighting. It is flesh and breath, hunger and movement, sweat and sensation. It is messy and alive and human. Saying it—my body is not a temple—feels like shaking off a weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying. It feels like unlearning years of silent programming, the quiet undercurrent of shame and expectation woven into every platitude about purity, restraint, and self-denial. It feels like heresy, and yet, at the same time, it feels like freedom. For the record, I have zero issues with God, the Universe, or whatever name fits. My fundamental mistrust is reserved for the copious, controlling, proselytizing humans who are convinced I need saving—on their terms. And right now, the only salvation I’m interested in is from their small, suffocating definitions of what me and my body is supposed to be. It struck me how deeply this resistance had embedded itself. Had I, without realizing it, absorbed the belief that caring for my body carried an invisible weight of guilt? That if I wasn’t treating it a certain way, I was somehow sinful? The guilt of religious obligation had shape-shifted into a quiet, nagging, "should-spouting" voice about my health, my choices, my physical self. No wonder the image of the temple with an X appeared—my subconscious had been waiting for permission to reject the comparison outright. I felt like shouting it at the top of my lungs—"My body is not a temple, damnit!" And when I let go of that idea, something unexpected happened. A space opened—something bigger, truer, and far more alive than the cold stone of a temple could ever hold. If my body is not a temple, then what is it? It is my home, a cozy place I have never left, never been abandoned by. It is a garden, constantly growing, adapting, renewing itself. It is a playground, meant for movement, sensation, and joy. It is an ocean, vast, powerful, untamed. My body is a mountain, mysterious, magical, raw and unpredictable. A story, unfolding moment by moment, telling the truth of my life in scars, laughter lines, aches, and exhilaration. I had never considered my body this way before. I had spent so much time unknowingly resisting an idea that never fit me that I had never fully stepped into what was possible instead. Letting go of the temple created a massive opening, a shift so profound it brought tears to my eyes. For the first time, I saw my body not as something fragile to tiptoe around, not as something to fix, measure up, or maintain—but as something to live in, to love, to be with. I have come to know my own body as nothing short of miraculous in all its workings and abilities and functions. And I don’t have to go anywhere or construct anything or consult anyone to witness this miracle. My body is a mystery beyond explanation, even if you gathered every doctor, yogi, and mystic from the beginning of time until now. So no, my body is not a temple. It is not built just for worship, for quiet reverence, for rules and rituals. My body is my home, my playground, my garden, my instrument, my ocean, my mountain, my story. Stand by for articles exploring with enthusiasm and curiosity each of these metaphors. I do know now that my body does not need holiness—it needs love, attention, movement, and trust. And that is more sacred than any temple ever built.   I've been doing energy work—releasing trapped emotions that Dr. Hawkins, Dr. Nelson, and so many others have identified as the root of both physical and spiritual illness. I am profoundly grateful to have found this reliable, transformative link—the space where the obstacles to alignment with my inner truth become malleable, available for release. This morning, something shifted. Something old, something familiar yet distant. Release (2025) In the still, silent, calm. Deep in the layers. As I sift and dive, Fly and float. In the currents Between the skins And masks, Facades and fantasies. I sense a never-ending sorrow. As it shifts then fades—evasive. Below the trauma, Before the bruises, Ahead of birth—my birth, Since before my beginning. Here, I am missing a friend. A dream I wrote of As a child then forgot. Decades later, I recall. My soul aches. It hurts and cries, Whimpers and wanes, Still yearning for love From the outside in. A twin? A friend? A soul mate? That someone Who completes me, Who allows this life To be joyful and fulfilling. I have been looking, searching. Lost for so long, At some level needy, alone, And frightened. Powering through, Adapting—coping. Waiting—hoping. Watching—grieving. All this time. All these decades. The fog is cleared. Now I can let her go. This reminded me of a poem I wrote when I was young. Back then, I'm certain I was writing about romantic love—the ideal of a perfect partner. But now, I see the truth: it was never just about a person. It was about every relationship ideal I’ve ever held, including the one with myself. The longing, the ache of incompleteness—it wasn’t about another soul stepping in to complete me. It was my own reflection, distorted by time and longing, whispering to be found. In doing this energy work, I’ve uncovered something even more important than the release of ensnared emotions: I’ve found the emerald thread of my soul, the part of me that has always been there, waiting to be seen. This work is not about "fixing" or "finding" something outside myself—it’s about clearing away what isn’t mine. The stories, the fears, the illusions that kept me searching instead of being. Now I see—what I longed for wasn’t another person. It was alignment, clarity, freedom. The love I was searching for was always my own. This journey—of healing, of release, of uncovering what was buried—has not been about gaining something new, but about reclaiming something old. The dream was never lost, only hidden beneath the weight of unspoken grief and unanswered longing. As I reread my poem from 1985, I see the echoes of my younger self in these words. I see the part of me that longed for a love that would rescue, complete, or define me. But I also see something deeper—a part of me that already knew the truth I am just now embracing. The dream is not another person. The dream is me. To Be A Dream (1985) If only we could see beyond today. Seek each other out, knowing the way. What to come accepting With no prejudice or decepting Knowing the legends sleeping Deep within each other’s dreaming Seeing with eyes, not regretting Casting through mist and netting Seeking out what is worth remembering. To aid the other in conquering What hinders happiness o’re taking Sensing the one they wish to be Actions departed, forgiving Praying always to be “we” And not just “he” or “she” Working, striving, undertaking To be a dream and help a dream to be. Can this imagined and once realized Break away the thin disguise That echoes through your soul, not true And changes once green eyes to blue Will you help me? Can you see The soul I truly hope to be? Searching now through gauze Through fog and misty trees And be a dream and help a dream to be? And so I let go—not of the dream, but of the illusion that it was ever separate from me. I trust that I am whole. I trust that I am enough. I trust that the dream is not something to be found, but something to be lived. Trust is the bridge between longing and fulfillment, between fear and freedom. It is what allows me to release the past and walk forward without hesitation, without doubt—only with openness and grace. I trust the emerald thread will always guide me home.   Is it true that "what goes around, comes around"? Maybe—if you believe it. Is karma for real? I’m curious—if it is, how does it really work? Are there hidden laws of nature at play beneath the surface? Absolutely! These invisible forces—the ebb and flow of life, the tides of energy, and the subtle threads that connect us—remind me that there’s always more than meets the eye. What I do know is this: seasons happen. People, thoughts, and emotions appear and disappear in waves. The ebb and flow of motivation and inspiration is undeniable in my personal experience. In the past, whenever I encountered an ebb, my knee-jerk reaction was always to resist, push through, and never give up. But isn’t that the opposite of “going with the flow”? Living one block from the ocean on Venice Beach, California, taught me a lot about the rhythm of the tides. I’d watch waves advance and retreat, each one flowing farther up the shore or pulling back, depending on the tide. I witnessed ferocious storms and times of total calm. I remember a specific ebb during my career when I tried to push through a project that simply wasn’t ready. I poured my energy into every detail, ignoring the growing resistance I felt inside. The result? Burnout and frustration. Later, when I paused and gave myself space, the clarity I’d been searching for arrived effortlessly. The lesson was clear: sometimes, flow comes only when we stop forcing it. Patience—and awareness—are the only salves for this particular force of nature. I’ve witnessed my own ebbs and flows of emotion and inspiration. In these moments, I sometimes sense the faint pull of a thread beneath it all, connecting the waves of life and guiding me forward. Sometimes pushing through yields fruit; other times, it doesn’t. Learning when to push and when to stand still feels like a hallmark of an ever-expanding maturity. There are milestones, landmarks, and defining moments along the way, certainly. But the fall back and regroup often feels like an automatic, wild response to moving forward. “Two steps forward, one step back...” The pause—whether caution, contemplation, or simply waiting—is what allows me to be unattached. Given my intention and my actions, I can watch the outcome unfold and reflect: Was it even close to what I intended? The “step back” becomes a space to learn and grow with ease, little by slowly. Though I don’t have children, I often imagine what a curriculum in Life Skills might look like. What lessons would I teach my younger self? Lessons that allow the confident spirit to shine, creativity to flow, and life to be free of suffering (if not pain). After a 30-year corporate career training adults, I wonder how I could package my experiences to be touching, moving, and inspiring for peers—or for anyone seeking a little more ease in navigating life’s ebbs and flows. One of the first lessons I’d teach would be patience. It’s a skill that doesn’t come easily, especially in a culture of “hustle” and “never give up.” But patience is what allows me to ride the waves of life with grace. Another would be awareness—the ability to set aside beliefs, expectations, and defensiveness, to stop blaming or criticizing, and instead to fully experience the moment as it is. Awareness invites me to notice life’s tides as they shift and pivot gracefully, rather than reactively. Both skills have carried me through countless moments of uncertainty, showing me how to trust the process rather than fight it. And at the heart of it all, I’d include a lesson about connection—about learning to recognize and follow the subtle threads that guide me. There’s an emerald thread of the soul that runs through my life, quiet but persistent, and noticing it is what allows me to navigate even the stormiest tides. This awareness creates space for trust, curiosity, and growth. For some time now, I’ve shared my journey and reflections here, inspired by images and ideas from my daily meditation practice. Recently, though, that hasn’t felt adequate—or entirely authentic. But in writing this, I’ve noticed a thread running through my tapestry, one that might just resonate with others. This thread—the emerald thread of the soul—has always been there, even if I wasn’t looking for it. It’s a thread that’s shown up in moments of inspiration, in quiet pauses, and even in the middle of life’s storms. Following it has taught me to see the beauty in small, subtle moments and to trust that even the “setbacks” are a critical and necessary part of a larger picture. Each individual experience may or may not resonate or inspire you, but the bright emerald thread of the soul is beginning to emerge. This is what I’ll pay attention to—watching for it out of the corner of my eye. It might not be visible immediately, but like the rising tide, it will eventually and inevitably raise all vessels. The tide doesn’t rush or resist—it simply rises, carrying everything with it. This is the kind of trust I aim to embody in my own life: a quiet, steady faith that even when I can’t see the full picture, the tide is lifting me toward clarity, growth, and alignment.  Every year, I choose a word—a compass for growth and intention. This year, my journey led me to Trust.
As I considered my five finalist words for 2025--Accept, Accountable, Commitment, Responsible, and Trust—it became clear that Trust was the foundation. Accept and Accountable felt too similar to Trust and Commitment, leaving me with a trio: Trust, Responsible, and Commitment. Without Trust, responsibility feels heavy, and commitment feels hollow. Trust had to come first. And isn’t that fitting? When I created the image above for this article, I noticed that definitions from multiple sources included responsibility and commitment. Trust doesn’t stand alone; it naturally gives rise to these other principles. Choosing Trust feels like choosing a trio, with Trust as the guiding star. Trust what? Trust my DMGS (Divine Magical Guidance System)—that quiet, intuitive voice that guides me toward alignment. Trust my soul, my highest truth, my natural, relaxed knowingness. It’s about trusting that even when I don’t fully understand the “how,” my inner guidance will lead me to what’s right, in its own time. Trust is the foundation for listening, aligning, and acting with confidence, clarity and kindness. While I was trolling about town a week or so ago, I wandered into a Barnes & Noble. I had done a quick Amazon search for a book that would assist with identifying trapped emotions. David Hawkins, in his book Letting Go, has a method for releasing emotions, and I wanted more options or ideas. (He uses muscle testing—there are plenty of videos on YouTube.) I was, as always, curious and open to additional techniques that could release this pent-up negative energy. I discovered a book called The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson. Miracle of miracles, the physical bookstore had the book in stock, and I was able to satisfy my lust for information immediately. God wink? Synchronicity? Of course, why not! A foreword by Tony Robbins didn't hurt either! The book builds on Hawkins’ work, more details on muscle testing a chart of 60 emotions, yes/no flowcharts for subconscious communication, and actionable techniques to release the pent up emotions. It’s designed to help identify whatever emotions are ready to be released and send them packing. (Where do they go, I wonder?) I devoured the book in an afternoon and immediately began reviewing the website (discoverhealing.com). I could see that there are classes and certifications and I decided to search for certified practitioners online. This way I could ask questions directly and get a better feel for how the techniques worked in real life. My first session was with a novice practitioner, and while her energy and enthusiasm were wonderful, the timing wasn’t ideal. Tango, our beloved patriarch guinea pig, passed away in my arms shortly afterward, and I was too immersed in real-time grief to fully process the release. It was a deeply emotional moment—such a beautiful, innocent little life. OUCH! Several days later, once my emotions had settled, I reached out to a different practitioner from the Emotion Code website. This woman had years of experience, and it showed in her confidence, speed, and methodical approach. The session felt transformative. She guided me through releasing multiple trapped emotions from early in my life—emotions I always knew were there but had no idea how to let go of. I left feeling lighter and freer, and she even assigned me homework to help me practice identifying and releasing emotions on my own. This work, grounded in trust, felt like a massive success. I’m looking forward to continuing sessions and deepening my ability to clear out the “clouds” that block the light of Spirit. With Trust, I am able to move forward intuitively to remove those clouds. Trust allows me to release old emotions, align with my DMGS, and act from a place of confidence and love. This year, I’m stepping out of survival mode. I’m choosing to thrive—in awareness, in alignment, and in the freedom to fully participate in life.  I’m not sure exactly when I began the practice of choosing one word as a focus point for the year. Above is a page from my journal of possible candidates for 2025. I use an app called Word Hippo to suss out the definitions and synonyms that add depth and dimension to the words and what they may render throughout a year of focused intention for growth. I thought I had selected one—a scary one for me—but now, as I review the page again, I’m uncertain. I suppose I’ll have to put my Ask, Don’t Analyze mantra into practice.
Scary or inspiring, I know that a consistent focus and intention is helpful for me, Miss easily distracted by just about anything. I know from experience that this practice can be fruitful. Last year, I chose Freedom as my word, and it turned out to be incredibly rich. I found freedom in unexpected places—in my relationships, in my schedule, and even in my thoughts. I became more aware of what I have freedom around and what I don’t. It wasn’t just a concept; it became a way of seeing the world. I was tempted to continue with Freedom into 2025. There’s still so much to explore in that space. But Freedom feels safe now, and for my 60th year on the planet, I want to choose something a little more edgy and terrifying, quite frankly. On my list of words for 2025, Trust feels like a challenge to lean into that inner knowing without the need to fix or control and still feel safe in the knowledge that things will unfold perfectly no matter what I my analytical fearful inclinations may point out. Trust invites me to release my white knuckle grip on certainty, embrace faith, and honor the unfolding unknown with ease and grace. Responsibility calls for clarity in owning my physical body, each word I speak, all my actions reactions and choices, asking me to step up with accountability instead of avoidance. Responsibility isn't a burden; it's a form of love, authentic empowerment and self-respect. Acceptance nudges me toward peace with what is, asking me to release looking good, being right, defending and resistance instead to surrender to the present moment. Acceptance whispers that beauty lies in letting life be—messy, raw, and untouched by my need to fix or control. Accountable brings up a kind of stern self-discipline I’ve been avoiding for years. It feels like a mirror, reflecting back what I need to own and inviting me to hold myself to a higher standard with compassion rather than judgment. Accountable invites me to align and make friends with my natural rhythms and choose curiosity and creativity to guide me forward. And finally, Commitment dares me to focus with consistent purpose, to follow through on what I set out to do without distraction. It feels like a promise to myself—a chance to show up fully and prove that I can sustain my efforts over time. Many of the synonyms are overlapping and similar once I see them together on one page. Each of them challenges me to face deep-seated fears and long-ingrained behaviors of avoidance and resistance. Each one stirs discomfort, yet that discomfort feels like a key to transformation. Each word feels meaningful, and yet none of them feel easy. I’m drawn to the discomfort they stir in me, even as I want to turn away. I know I’ve spent a lot of my life avoiding certain truths—about myself, my choices, and the ways I show up in the world. Maybe choosing a word that unsettles me is exactly what I need to grow. After all, I’m still stuck in the grike of “more pain, more gain”! Ha. But how do I decide? My Ask, Don’t Analyze mantra reminds me that I don’t need to overthink this. Instead, I’ll ask the question: What word feels true for me this year? And then, I’ll wait for the answer to come. Maybe it’ll arrive when I’m journaling, meditating, or halfway through some mundane task like washing the dishes. Maybe I already know the answer, and I just need to trust it. So, what about you? What word would you choose for 2025? Would you stick with something safe and familiar, or take a leap into the unknown? Either way, the journey begins with just one word.  This little gem came to me a few days back: Ask, Don’t Analyze. I’ve found that brief, succinct statements like this often hold the most power. Like a mantra, they interrupt my standard patterns of thought and behavior. Years ago, I created signs with phrases like “Notice, Don’t Defend” and “Observe, Don’t Judge.” I hung them where I could see them often, printed and laminated copies to share, and repeated them aloud to myself—and to anyone within earshot. These simple messages carried so much peace and freedom once I started implementing them! I’m sure there are more, like “Laugh, Don’t Compare,” but that’s a topic for another day. Right now, Ask, Don’t Analyze feels especially powerful because it speaks directly to my present awareness of a severe lack of trust. That’s a harsh but honest way to put it. I’m building trust now—intentionally, patiently—through focus and practice. I’m learning to ask and listen to my own DMGS (Divine Magical Guidance System). I know I’ve mentioned this before, but maybe it’s time to clarify. I’ve always had a complicated relationship with the concept of God, shaped by my upbringing in a conservative Catholic household. I’ve come to see that it’s not about God per se, but about people. It’s a User Error—a human problem. I don’t trust most humans. No hard feelings; I just sense that, understandably, most people are ultimately looking out for themselves. Without realizing it, I began relying on my DMGS when I started journaling in 1976, inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank. That connection has stayed with me ever since. Through my BYOB meditation practice, I’m now learning how to listen more closely and hear more clearly. I’m discovering how to distinguish between illusion, delusion, and the quiet, steady voice of my DMGS. This journey has also been shaped by practices like 2-Way prayer, publicized by The Oxford Group in the 1930s. It combines meditation and journaling—two of my favorite things! There’s also a step where you check in with another person, but I’ve found that part less helpful. Even the most caring advice I’ve received has often been wrong or fear-based. Instead, I’ve turned to tools like muscle testing, as described by David Hawkins, to develop a more objective way of checking in. Slowly but surely, I’m learning to trust my DMGS and consult it often. Ask, Don’t Analyze. It’s such a simple mantra, but it challenges me to step out of my old habits. Thoughts, I’ve learned, are often unhelpful distractions from the core of truth. Asking, on the other hand, is about opening up and receiving guidance. I also have to learn to sit with the answers I don’t like—the ones that make me uncomfortable or push my boundaries. Discomfort tends to send me straight into avoidance, so I get to practice patience, trust, and moving forward anyway. I’m amazed by how often the answer to my urgent, pressing question is simply, “It doesn’t matter.” Nothing puts me in my place quite like that! It’s humbling, for sure, but also freeing. It reminds me that much of what I agonize over isn’t as important as I think. This is the beginning of my Ask, Don’t Analyze mantra practice. I’m excited to see where it takes me. This simple phrase puts me in both the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat of my life. It’s a powerful reminder that I get to take full responsibility for my choices on every level—and that guidance is always there when I choose to ask for it.
 The drawing above I created just after meditation on December 29, 2024. I’ve waited to share it, imagining I’d discover a way to make it more self-explanatory or visually bold. I did darken the smaller corner drawings a bit, enlarging the wheels and ruts to make the connections clearer. I decided that’s enough. You can get the idea. Below is an image I found online of The Burren in County Clare, Ireland. Burren comes from boíreann, meaning “a stony place” in Irish. When I visited this summer with Val, I was mesmerized by the grikes—the crevices in the limestone “pavement.” Despite their harsh, rocky appearance, flowers were growing in the grikes, adding bursts of unexpected color and life. The image stayed with me. It came to mind as I considered how to reimagine the thought ruts in my drawing. If I were more practiced at drawing, I’d depict the brain and its thought patterns as something like the Burren, with hamster wheels popping up all over, connected by an intricate flow of grikes running in multiple directions. I even imagined myself jumping from wheel to wheel, avoiding the traverse of a single grike entirely. This imagery captures my experience of repetitive, ineffective mental analysis—spinning endlessly on certain topics and people. The wheels turn, the ruts deepen, and the same grooves replay over and over. And yet, as I look at the drawing now, I don’t feel the need to change it or fix anything. There’s nothing wrong with the grikes, nothing to prove or explain or excuse. They simply are. What I seek isn’t repair, but perhaps a new perspective—a fresh way of navigating them. It’s funny, isn’t it, how the grikes resemble the grooves of a human brain? Maybe that’s the point. The ruts aren’t obstacles; they’re terrain. They hold the potential for growth if I approach them with curiosity rather than frustration. What if I could fill them in? Not to erase them, but to plant something meaningful within them. Could those grooves support wildflowers, like the Burren? Could the wheels stop spinning long enough for me to notice the life growing in between? I’ve often described my obsession with certain thoughts as “spinning” to friends, and they all seem to understand the concept instantly. We’ve all been there, stuck in a rut—or perhaps a grike, if you prefer. I love the word. The sections of limestone between the grikes are called clints. Isn’t that fantastic? Even the language of the Burren feels alive, inviting me to reimagine my mental terrain. For now, I’ll let the wheels spin and the grikes deepen while I wait for my inner wisdom to reveal the next step. Maybe I’ll fill in the grikes. Maybe I won’t. There’s no rush, nothing to fix—just the joy of observing the landscape and being curious about what might bloom. After all, even in the Burren’s rocky crevices, flowers find their way to grow, adding life and color to what seems barren at first glance. Perhaps the same is true for my mind—those grooves and ruts aren’t just limitations. They’re spaces where compassion, creativity, and new perspectives might take root, given the chance. The second image is my own photo... the flowers were blooming in the grike when I was there... as witness.    The holidays have come and gone so quickly. This year felt different—odd, even. We didn’t decorate or get particularly nostalgic or sentimental. I found myself immersed in something far more transformative: my afternoon BYOB meditations. I’m noticing a distinct difference in how I experience everyday routine tasks and engage with people. This year, my new perspective seemed to wrap itself around the season, making even the simplest moments feel transformed—like my meditations or the quiet realization of what I’d been missing.
It’s a paradox, isn’t it? Since I’ve gone totally selfish in my pursuits and goals, my experience is actually less selfish and self serving. Now that I recognize when I’m being SELF-manipulative, controlling, worried about being right, defending, looking good, or fixing everything—and practice letting go of all that—I see my environment and the people in it so differently. I see them with love and compassion. Now that kindness and compassion are becoming more normal inside of me, they’re leaking to the outside. Did someone tell me this might happen? Ha, turns out they were right! Seeing family this year, it struck me, for the first time in 17 years, how much I’ve been blocking intimacy and missing the chance to create real connections. Without the usual pity party or the expectation that someone should hang on my every word of wisdom, I see it so clearly: I am not a victim at all. Good grief, Laurie Anne! I am responsible. And I can proceed with clear, kind, and loving intentions. When I saw my niece smile as we talked, I realized how much I’d been missing these simple moments of connection. The warmth I felt wasn’t from their validation—it was from finally being present. No need to beat myself up for what’s past. There’s also nothing urgent to fix—just options, a sense of space, and openness for what I may choose to create in the future. Holy shit... the gifts just keep revealing themselves. Yesterday, I went shopping for our New Year’s Eve dinner. (We also met on New Year’s Eve 2007, so it’s our 18th anniversary.) Typically, we enjoy crab legs, white rice, freshly cooked artichokes with loads of butter, and something sweet and decadent to finish. This year, we decided on lobster instead of crab for a change. My shopping trip was outstanding. These days, I bundle errands to limit trips to town, going once every couple of weeks. It makes each trip feel like a treat, an adventure—a fabulous opportunity to move slowly and take in every magical moment. During this trip, I finally used my training to pause and intentionally check in with inner wisdom about certain purchases—food, supplements, etc. I was surprised to notice how aware I felt. Often, I was singing quietly or just giddy with joy. Such a fucking awesome way to move through the world! I'm so grateful and finally actually tuned into my very own DMGS—Divine, Magical, Guiding System. It’s more than just a concept—it’s become a constant guide, a way to move through life with intention, ease, and a sense of wonder. It took me a while this morning to land on that particular acronym, but it perfectly expresses my experience. It’s also internal, intuitive, and so many other things. "Divine"—for sure. "Magical"—no doubt. Sweetly "Guiding"—absolutely. “System” nods to the fact that it’s always been there, part of my DNA, waiting for me to notice. Whether I was resistant, distracted, or just forgot doesn’t matter now. I’ve got the number, the position on the radio dial to tune in anytime, every time. Once again, I am exceedingly grateful, overwhelmingly relieved, and blissed out! Happy Holidays to me! As the year draws to a close, I’m reveling in the simplest magic—awareness, gratitude, and the sheer joy of being. This holiday season didn’t need decorations or fanfare. The gifts were already here, hidden in plain sight, waiting for me to notice. Happy Holidays, indeed.  The holiday season has a way of amplifying life’s magic. Twinkling lights, the warmth of togetherness, and quiet moments of reflection invite us to notice the extraordinary in the ordinary. But magic isn’t just in the grand gestures of this time of year; it’s in the smallest details—a steaming cup of tea, a ray of sunlight, or even a misplaced phone. As the year winds down, I find myself reflecting on how every moment can be magical, depending on my perspective.
There could be magic everywhere up close and from a distance Outside the “normal” distance. If you hold still, breathe softly, Wait – Pause, Anticipate, really look. Life IS magic each moment insanely brilliant, perfectly aligned from every which way at once. The morning sun illuminates the billows of moisture and bits of spice blossoming from my cup of tea They swirl, wrap, twirl and twist about Moved by breath and furnace-forced air. Like smoke, it rises. I feel the heat of an alternate reality right here. There is magic, even if I knew the science, the physics, the thought-FULL explanation, it is still magic. In the end, the ultimate Mover is unseen - unknown. The Mover has humor and skill, light and fun, pain and purpose. I left my phone at my Mom's yesterday. Magic? Fluke? Accident? Oddly timed character flaw? Or sweet lesson from the Mover? I experienced visceral fear, delusional flights of negative imagination – worst-case scenarios, angst, loss, emptiness. I got to experience it all: powerlessness, worry, and finally acceptance, reality, trust, humor. Oh, and opportunity... to practice settling down with grace and patience, curiosity, and faith. What if I were to allow each experience to be full of wonder? MAGICAL? No potions or incantations, no frog’s moss or sweet grass with bat’s eye. Those witchy tools, like meditation, are just techniques to foster awareness – seeing. What if we are inherently magical, born to see the extraordinary, but somewhere along the way, forgotten how? A world like Harry Potter’s-- alive, vibrant, pulsing with unseen wonder-- exists all around us. Indeed! Curiosity, creativity, and compassion with an open mind are all we need to thoroughly enjoy each moment on this Earth bound journey. Indeed! Simple and not easy if you’ve never been taught. If I fall – it’s magical. If I forget my phone – magic! If I choose every moment to trust – THAT’S magic. It’s all magical, depending on my perspective. I’ll keep eyes “peeled,” senses on alert, and report back directly. Later, I’ll drive to pick up my phone… Who knows what may come of it!? As we step into the magic of the holiday season, I’m reminded that life offers us countless gifts—gifts of perspective, patience, and possibility. Whether it’s a forgotten phone or a shared moment with a loved one, each experience is an opportunity to embrace wonder and trust in the unknown. This holiday season, may we all carry curiosity, creativity, and compassion, seeing the magic that surrounds us not just today, but every day. After all, who knows what beauty might unfold when we simply choose to believe? Note: I wrote this piece December 22nd and edited and posted it today. As I searched for an image, I realized I had this piece hanging upstairs; "Creative Process" by one of my favorite artists Vorja Sanchez. Check out his website and Instagram! Just yet another mini miracle and moment of wonder, Happy Holidays!  Hello there!
Hey! Hello! Are you watching me? Hey—hello? What do you see There, behind me? To my side? Behind my knee? Hey, what do you see And why are you watching me? I’ve seen you here. You’ve been around. I’ve seen you here before. Not sure why, it’s just dawned on me To ask you why – Say – why are you watching me? I know I’m not alone In here – I’ve met some of your comrades. In dreams In meditations In emergencies and in quiet moments. But we have not been Introduced. What’s your name, watcher? I know you’re not my witness, My oneness or my physical frame. I sense that you are other-- What’s your name? Keeper? Minder? Are you the subtle, instant Judger? The one that’s Looking out – alert – wary – Vigilant? Keen? Cautious? Hello there! Welcome!! It’s a pleasure To meet you finally! Why are you here now? Is there something I can do? Might I add, you’re amazing? Your talent, your skill-- Remarkable, astounding, Many thanks for being here! A makeover? A refresh? An upgrade? Indeed! We can manage that, So happy that you know You’re out of date for me. How shall we proceed? What is there to do? A brand-new education And a new perspective too!? Excellent timing BTW, the game has shifted, I see it too, and the old way no longer works. How shall we go about it? Do you have a clue? “Honest, open, willing—the same, just as before.” “I’m stepping up and standing out so that you will know – it’s working, the introspection – another layer going – going – gone.” Are you a poet too? Because we’ve missed you. “The poet is not me but I can set the poet free.” You’ve been on autopilot for as long as I’ve been here. Watching – scouting – recording all there is to FEAR. My escort, my defender-- I’m here – NOW – because of you. I hear your whispered worries and suggestions Even now I apprehend. Don’t fret—the paper won’t run out, the pen won’t run dry. And there’s time for stickers later. I value this conversation. It’s priceless, so helpful. Please, don’t be shy. “Acknowledgment. Attention. Listening. Consideration. Compassion. Surrender. Let go! Invite Love to observe. Just allow release and freedom!” Watchdog? Okay then 😉. (And yes, you totally remind me of that guy from The Sketch Artist.) I’m beyond thrilled, so excited-- you have no idea! A huge missing section of my puzzle has appeared! I know this is drastic—frightening, even—uncomfortable. You’re so amazing and so lightning fast. But how can we work together to turn the tide? “Patience and awareness, Effort and creative skill. We blow away the old like dandelion fluff. Invite kindness, recall safety, remember TRUST.” There’s so much to let go of, but I’m ready to begin anew. Today, and every day. “Me too!”  "Urban Dictionary: "It's all gravy." Gravy is a sauce made from the juices of meat or vegetables and enhances the flavour of a meal. In poorer times, to have gravy on your meal is a sign that you have sufficient meat and vegetables to make such a nice meal. Hence the phrase "on the gravy train" meaning that ones life was well supplied with good things, usually money. "It's all gravy" therefore means that there is an abundance of good things in the given circumstance. It should not be taken to mean that there is no problem or that a situation is liked, specifically. Those things may follow but are not necessarily connected. A: We just secured a lucrative contract with the supplier with an open ended term. B: It's all gravy from here on, boys." My life is well supplied, and I have an abundance of good things. It’s all gravy from here on! Today is day 348 of 2024. Only 18 days left in this wild, transformative year. It’s been quite the ride—unexpected twists, challenges, and breakthroughs. My watchword, my guiding principle this year, has been FREEDOM. Yesterday, during meditation, I experienced a delightfully liberating set of messages. They weren’t entirely new—I’ve heard them before—but repetition seems to be the secret sauce of real change. Like so many other insights, it takes time for these epiphanies to sink in, settle, and become something more than fleeting thoughts. For real change to happen, they need time to weave into my habits, lifestyle, and truth. It’s a gradual process, stripping away old ways and cracking open new ones. And, as always, there’s no rushing this. Time will tell in each case. Earlier this week, I stumbled across a Michael Singer podcast titled “Doing the REAL WORK to Free Yourself.” I didn’t plan to listen to it; it just appeared in my path. I pulled the transcript from YouTube, printed it, and sat with it. His message—simple yet profound—landed with a clarity I wasn’t expecting. His examples and analogies triggered something in me: a shift or internal change I can’t quite name. Is it fair to say that everything and nothing changed? Everything and nothing matters? Everything and nothing needs to be done? Maybe. For now, the proof is in how I feel—more clear, more confident. For the moment, I understand that I am perfectly perfect, just as I am. Everything I’ve ever done or will do is also perfectly perfect. There’s no need to judge, compare, prove, or explain myself. This is freedom. Trust is freedom. Love is freedom. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been navigating a freak injury—one of those out-of-nowhere things that stops everything. I took it as an opportunity to pause and just be present with my body, soul, and mind. I didn’t abandon my BYOB meditation practice, though, and I feel rewarded for the consistency. Those daily sessions helped me uncover—or maybe reintroduce—my inner voices: the voice of my heart, the voice of my soul, and the voice of my body. Singer’s podcast didn’t offer anything groundbreaking or new, but it hit differently this time. My openness and willingness to truly hear it, process it, and integrate it made all the difference. It fit perfectly with the patience and wisdom I’ve been practicing through the BYOB meditation. Together, these practices have helped me let go of the need to "finish" anything. There is no finish line. Instead, I’ve been focusing on moments that feel significant—moments like yesterday, 12-12-24. I requested a benchmark for this date, though I don’t know how to label it. And honestly, I don’t need to. I just know it matters because I say so. It reminds me of another date: 4-14-14, the day I got sober. I see the patterns in these numbers and take comfort in their symmetry, though the true significance lies in the journey itself, not the calendar. Looking back, I realize how close I’ve come to death—twice, at least, by all rights. I “should” be dead, but here I am. I was spared. I survived. And I’m endlessly grateful. It’s all gravy from here on!   Friendship is one thing, but partnership? That’s a whole new level. This journey of self-discovery has surprised me with insights I didn’t even know I needed—like the realization that my relationship with my body isn’t just about making nice and being friendly. It’s about collaboration, teamwork, and even a little trial and error.
When I started this journey, I believed I had no self-love and zero idea how to take care of my body. I saw myself as judgmental and mean, a negligent caretaker at best. My efforts were emergency-only responses—foxhole prayers to get me through a crisis. Sure, I’d hit up a detox spa or squeeze in an annual physical, but mostly, I manipulated my body with food, alcohol, nicotine, and the occasional massage or acupuncture session. I assumed my track record was awful. But surprise! Turns out I wasn’t as terrible as I thought. According to my inner voice, I’ve done an excellent job navigating the trials and tribulations of being in a human body. Who knew? Sure, I was judgmental and mean at times—no delusion there—but I wasn’t the hopeless case I imagined. Initially, my goal was simple: to befriend my body. I figured friendship would mean showing up consistently and listening. That’s about as far as I’d gotten. But now, the door is open, trust is blossoming, and the experience with coffee is proof. Slowly, I’m learning to step back from dictator mode and let my body have a say. And then came the curveball: this isn’t just about friendship—it’s a partnership. The words in this piece of art came floating by clear as a bell in my meditation a couple of days ago. We, the body, mind, spirit and emotions are not just friends, we're partners! This is my jam! Partnership feels professional, organized. It’s about cooperation, collaboration, and clear communication. The images that came to me during meditation were all about teamwork—a team where my body, mind, and soul are all active players. For whatever odd reason, I feel more at home in a partnership than a friendship. It feels solid and dependable, like something I can count on. Each part brings something unique to the table. The body shows up with its signals and needs, the mind processes and plans, the spirit offers perspective, and emotions give everything a little color. Together, we’re figuring it out, one step at a time. But let’s be real: the partnership is a work in progress. I keep noticing tidbits of resistance and attachment—polarities that create discord. My attachment to being thin fuels my resistance to accepting how I look now. These two forces are locked in a battle that keeps me spinning my wheels. If I wasn’t searching for a long term unique solution through meditation, I’d probably be on another yo-yo diet and cycling through detailed exercise plans that I’d abandon after a few days. And then there’s coffee—my old pal. Coffee used to be my ride-or-die buddy. But now? It’s that friend who overstays their welcome, leaving you with a sour stomach and the realization that maybe you’ve outgrown them. The fact that I’ve been quietly weaning myself off without any grand declarations or rebellious backlash? Honestly, that feels like a miracle. So what does partnership look like in practice? For starters, it means listening. When I’m stuck in judgmental, comparing, self-hating thoughts, I’m learning to collaborate with my feelings—both mentally and physically. Like today, when I was spiraling, I did a quick five-minute indoor walk. That tiny shift got me out of my head and back into my body. And that’s what partnership looks like—collaborating with your feelings and your body, moving through the hard stuff one step (or quick indoor walk) at a time. It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t have to be. But this too shall pass. And when it does, I’ll still be here, showing up for the team. |
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