Embrace the terror
Of living, of becoming
Your big dream
embrace Your dissolution
It is not a nightmare
Not a violence
to become Oneself and lose oneself in becoming.
I had the opportunity recently to observe my Mother in person, close up and for two weeks straight. I had determined in advance to maintain an objective distance whenever possible. We have worked out, over the years, our various mutual triggers and addressed them with respect and attention so it wasn't as hard as it would have been with a stranger.
One word showed up over and over... as a descriptor of various behavior. Since then I have noticed it is pretty high on my internal undercurrent tide of thoughts and instinctual reactions. (I like that image... high on the undercurrent!) So here we go...
noun, plural scar·ci·ties.
Synonyms for scarcity
dearth drought famine inadequacy
insufficiency lack paucity shortage
exiguity infrequency rareness rarity
scantiness sparsity stringency uncommonness
I notice it around food... you must clean your plate... don't waste... composting somehow makes up for some of the waste... and the underlying feelings are a bit odd. Let's see how to describe them... sinful, against nature, unnatural, disrespectful, thoughtless, (BIG SIGH - means I'm onto something here). When I don't honor the idea of scarcity it's disrespectful? Ouch! That will keep it plugged in!
I notice it around space... space on a page of paper, space here on the blog, space in a room, a closet, a shelf, a drawer... wasting space is disrespectful. There's not enough of it. I have to stop myself frequently and remind myself that there is plenty of paper... I have shelves of journals I can't wait to use... there is no limit to the size of this blog. I have all the space I want.
I notice it around money.... although I never have wanted for money, I know plenty of people who have which engenders a certain level of respect. Recently I have been wondering what my next money making gig will be... worrying about declining balances. My worry is remote-ish but constant. Once again, I notice - become aware of the worry thought and remind myself that all is well. Be patient (another BIG SIGH).
I notice it around love... not quite the right word but something like love... kind attention, listening, affection, caring, that sort of thing consumed in the company of special people. What I missed when Mom left town. A lack of loneliness. I do perceive still a shortage of this and have taking to just noticing and paying attention. Gaining clarity, when possible, on what exactly I "feel is missing."
I notice it around things... pens, books, clothes, cooking gear, blankets, art, journals, material things I covet... shoes, boots especially, coats too. I say I have a shopping addiction but it's more about seeing something I love and feeling that if I don't get it now it will be gone forever. A bit of rarity... a shortage... Whether it's something I truly love or something I think I "should" love or have... just in case.
There is an element of preparedness that comes into play. I've worked with lots of clients who tell their stories of days when you just couldn't get things. That is a good excuse to covet. I don't have that challenge... my challenge is treasuring and respecting the things I already have and being truly thoughtful and mindful and unattached going forward.
My debt to gratitude is paid
through trust in abundance ongoing!
My 2 week extravaganza is complete. From October 4th to October 19th my mother, Celeste, and her husband of three years, Ken, were here visiting from Colorado. I also spent countless hours and days in preparation so that I would be free of all obligations during the visit so it's probably been a month of accumulated time spent, wisely and well, that is now concluded. I'm spending some time now processing all that occurred and how it's made me feel.
Most extra-ordinary was my reaction to their leaving yesterday... all day I was very emotional and weeping, lamenting and grief stricken. My sadness was unfettered and fabulously violent and angry then despondent and sobbing. Mother somehow kicked it off by singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane" first thing in the morning. Holy shit! I have a softness for John Denver anyhow but that song in particular struck a cord and got the mournful emotional response rolling right along. I had a chance to steal a moment with Ken outside the Stewart's while Mom was inside and thank him for all his generosity and for taking care of my Mom so wonderfully. What a relief, I told him, I was worried for her and didn't even realize it. All this through a stilted, chokey, tearful voice and welling eyes. So unlike me... Miss Stoic (long-suffering, detached).
I proceeded to "let 'er rip" in the Jeep driving back to Vista. What a huge relief! How long was all that hoarded... whatever it was... sadness, sorrow, grief, loneliness, melancholy, rage, all that and emptiness... Armed with an entire box of tissue and no where in particular to be. I stopped for coffee and a quick tour of Home Goods to try to cheer up. It paused the firestorm but did not quench it. Once the distractions were removed I returned to the same mental, emotional, feeling space. It burned itself out some time in the afternoon while I was sorting clothes, packing the car and gardening. How odd... how grateful that I felt safe enough to let it flow. Thank Spirit for sobriety! I would have quickly squelched all emotions and drowned or smoked them to death not so very long ago!
Upon some reflection and journaling this morning I have come to some fabulous conclusions and some life changing distinctions and clarity. What was I grieving so heartily? What was I missing? What was gone with Mom leaving? Was this the state of life on earth? What's life for, suffering this horrible emptiness? What did she provide? An unconditional caring, supportive, kind, intimate knowing and understanding regarding me. She provided companionship and safety, fun and exploration of my surroundings. A sounding board I could trust a sense of comfort and warmth. No defense required, no struggle, no fear really. I made up my mind before she came to be observant and open minded and pay close attention to her BEING-NESS... I noticed and wrote about loads of things, for another post... but all this emotion was non-verbal, deep and pure. What I felt was "I'm so lonesome I could die."
the grief revealed the presence
of something profound and precious
staring in the gaping hole
I could recall what filled it
what's there no more
provided access to
awareness of that very thing...
hidden in plain sight
but the sense, the feeling
is clear and closely caring
fill the well -
dip in and enjoy
all at once
Like a sleuth, this morning, I have been tracking down the exact "it"... the precious presence the profound soothing space. My initial reaction was anger and fear and scarcity, lack and mourning. Now I realize I can provide sharing, intimacy, companionship, safety, trust, easy loving kindness, support and listening. In providing it to others I am creating it for myself as well. In this balanced, aware approach I fill the well and deplete it all at once. In paradox I am complete. Whew... perhaps this will be a daily prayer to remind me to focus on the creation of the safe, comfy, fun and curious companionship and community space.
This possibly the best fall colors I've observed since I moved here nine years ago. Amazing! What a wonderful time with my Mother and Ken. There is only to sit and watch and listen and be patient with myself and everyone around me all the time.
Pause to Wonder
and pay attention!
We make the trek yesterday to enjoy some leaf peeping. Holy crap, who knew it would so fucking amazing. We drove on from Keene to Lake Placid then back again to Providence. Absolutely stunning and amazing! I will write more later, for now photos will have to suffice.
My set of the Viking Runes has traveled with me for decades. The book, by Ralph Blum (fun video link, you can of course search Amazon on your own to find the book if you like). According to one reference it was the first written on runic divination, in 1982, and still remains my mainstay for interpretation. I've taken so many notes on every page it's a wealth of varied and insightful thoughts and ideas.
The beginning of the book has a generous foreword with sample spreads and basic information. I probably read it at some point.. or perhaps, more akin to my nature, I just grabbed a rune and dove in. Anyhow... yesterday I somehow decided to read the book from the back forward for a bit. My "read 3-pages daily" mini-habit kicking in on such a small "stupid simple" book! The rewards were outstanding and definitely encourage me to continue my small daily reading habit! Look what I found stashed away in the Afterword. What a gift!
"At our best, each of us is a channel through which Divine wisdom flows, and we are sensitive to the inner guidance that provides us with the intuitive knowing we require. But life can be hard and difficult and we are not always clear. The channels that we are become blocked by fears, silted up with self-doubt. We do not always hear the still small voice that is our natural inheritance. The Runes are available to be used as a bridge to you Knowing Self..."
I no longer try to change outer things.
They are simply a reflection.
I change my inner perception and the outer reveals
the beauty so long obscured by my own attitude.
I concentrate on my inner vision and find
my outer vision TRANSFORMED!
I find myself attuned to the grandeur of life and
in unison with the perfect order of the Universe.
What a fabulous gift! Stashed away in a small book that is never very far from my reach at any time. I'm so grateful to be born in this time in history where the world seems to be waking up a bit and there is access to this type of fabulous inspiration and support for my Knowing Self. This is the daily message from the Universe today (via TUT/Tom Dooley)...
"I have a favor to ask, Laurie. Could you please wait until after you take your baby steps, experience wild serendipities, and manifest eyebrow raising miracles, before you start telling people you're an intergalactic tidal wave of wanton love and magic for whom all the elements bow?
Bathe in the beauty and splendor of the world and life today... a reminder to myself!
A bit later... OMG... this is what I am doing and noticing, right now! David Whyte again, same talk as the one mentioned in the last post.
“Make a nesting now, a place to which / the birds can come, think of Kevin's / prayerful palm holding the blackbird's egg / and be the one, looking out from this place / who warms interior forms into light. / Feel the way the cliff at your back / gives shelter to your outward view / then bring in from those horizons / all discordant elements that seek a home. // Be taught now, among the trees and rocks, / how the discarded is woven into shelter, / feel the way things hidden and unspoken / slowly proclaim their voice in the world. / Find that far inward symmetry / to all outward appearances, begin to welcome back / all you sent away, be a new annunciation, / make yourself a door through which / to be hospitable, even to the stranger in you. // See with every turning day, / how each season wants to make a child / of you again, wants you to become / a seeker after birdsong and rainfall, / watch how it weathers you / into a testing in the tried and true, / tells you with each falling leaf, / to leave and slip away, even from the branch that held you, / to be courageous, to go when you need to / to be like that last word you’d want to say before you leave the world. // Above all, be alone with it all, / a hiving off, a corner of silence / amidst the noise, refuse to talk, / even to yourself, and stay in this place / until the current of the story / is strong enough to float you out. // Ghost then, to where others / in this place have come before, / under the hazel, by the ruined chapel, / below the cave where Colman slept, / Live in this place / as you were meant to and then, / surprised by your abilities, / become the ancestor of it all, / the quiet, robust and blessed Saint / that your future happiness / will always remember.”
I absolutely love to listen to On Being. I've discovered so many fabulous and thought provoking pieces and people. One of those people is David Whyte. I discovered a bit by him on my pod cast this morning and one of the subjects was friendship. I copied and pasted from the website then edited it down to the phrases I found most moving. The entire piece is available at the On Being site David Whyte also has an amazing Facebook page...
“Friendship is a mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness. Friendship not only helps us see ourselves through another’s eyes, but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to forgive them in turn. A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion that we do not need them. An undercurrent of real friendship is a blessing exactly because its elemental form is rediscovered again and again through understanding and mercy. All friendships of any length are based on a continued, mutual forgiveness. Without tolerance and mercy all friendships die.
In the course of the years a close friendship will always reveal the shadow in the other as much as ourselves. To remain friends we must know the other and their difficulties and even their sins and encourage the best in them, not through critique but through addressing the better part of them, the leading creative edge of their incarnation, thus subtly discouraging what makes them smaller, less generous, less of themselves. Through the eyes of a real friendship an individual is larger than their everyday actions. Through the eyes of another we receive a greater sense of our own person-hood, one we can aspire to, the one in whom they have most faith. Friendship is a moving frontier of understanding, not only of self and the other but of a possible and as yet unlived future.
Friendship is the great hidden transmuter of all relationship: it can transform a troubled marriage, make honorable a professional rivalry, make sense of heartbreak and unrequited love and become the newly discovered ground for a mature parent-child relationship.
The dynamic of friendship is almost always underestimated as a constant force in human life. A diminishing circle of friends is the first terrible diagnostic of a life in deep trouble: of overwork, of too much emphasis on a professional identity, of forgetting who will be there when our armored personalities run into the inevitable natural disasters and vulnerabilities found in even the most average existence.
Through the eyes of a friend, we especially learn to remain at least a little interesting to others.
When we flatten our personalities and lose our curiosity in the life of the world or of another, friendship loses spirit and animation; boredom is the second great killer of friendship. Through the natural surprises of a relationship held through the passage of years, we recognize the greater surprising circles of which we are a part and the faithfulness that leads to a wider sense of revelation independent of human relationship: to learn to be friends with the earth and the sky, with the horizon and with the seasons, even with the disappearances of winter and in that faithfulness, take the difficult path of becoming a good friend to our own going.
Friendship transcends disappearance: an enduring friendship goes on after death, the exchange only transmuted by absence, the relationship advancing and maturing in a silent internal conversational way even after one half of the bond has passed on.
But no matter the medicinal values virtues of friendship, of being a true friend or sustaining a long close relationship with another, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement. The ultimate touchstone of friendship is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”
I've been trying to live and understand friendship for the last years... since I settled in this place and it's been an ongoing lesson. I appreciate these insights and agree.
Keeping it real today, here, in beautiful upstate NY. The edges of the leaves of the trees are beginning to turn orange and yellow and red. Perhaps it will be a radiant leaf peeping season. I hope so, for my parents, visiting from Colorado in a couple weeks.
I'm not sure I remember how I came up with this or where I read or heard it but I find it's very effective as a mantra...
Notice! Don't Think...
I have it printed on cards and post it notes scattered around the house and car to remind me. Shit, it's hard to stay present to anything for very long. This little phrase has helped me to stay in my body and paying attention... just aware... just watching, listening, feeling, touching the ground or the inside of my shoes. I tend to breathe deeper and feel more serene. I definitely find I have a much better chance of a thoughtful response rather than a rash reaction. I notice the thoughts that do creep in and fly by... the undertone is always rushed, hurried, frequently fearful and negative for such an optimistic person! Holy crap! Thoughts are really just one more thing to notice I guess... maybe the mantra should be Notice! Don't Attach... how about Notice! Don't Stick or Notice! Don't Adhere... or perhaps Notice! Don't Latch On... Notice! Don't Hook Up... or Hook In?
(I'm on a roll here... am I thinking too much... probably but that's OK, that's what this blog is for. A thesaurus always gets my juices flowing and helps get these crazy thoughts out of my head!)
I like the original, but it is something to keep in mind that it's easy to change whatever you do AFTER you NOTICE... because you are present. I think, thinking observations are pretty powerful and it's challenging to control the thought stream/train. I imagine anyone who meditates or has ever tried to meditate knows this. You could Notice! & BREATHE...
Notice! & Be Grateful... Notice & Be Loving... the possibilities are endless.
For now what I noticed repeatedly, regardless of the scenery or smells or whatever my senses were aware of, behind the scenes like the cloud over Pigpen... was a constant subtle defensive, frightened, wary undercurrent/hint/tint/atmosphere... Not even any specific thoughts but behind the thoughts. I could describe it as the background or landscape. The grey color of the wall, which I barely notice, as I observe thoughts like a window or a painting hanging ON the wall. That's what I want to get at. That's what I want to shift to a nicer, brighter, more compassionate and friendly to ME color! (I'm open to pink or lavender.) I've noticed this before... my poem Fearless... "Something lifted, like a cloud I couldn't see and didn't know was there. And light of a lighter quality was present all around me. And the burden of living in subtle, constant, nagging fear was lifted."
So... I was led to or discovered or whatever a pretty fun and powerful affirmations meditation on Insight Timer (I pay the monthly fee for that now... totally worth it!). It's a bit old school and corny AND incredibly awesome. I AM UNSTOPPABLE COURAGE by Kenneth Soares. It's a wonderful 22 minutes long and I had it set to repeat while I detailed my Jeep. Notice! Tune in... to the words... scrub, scrub, wash... NOTICE! Tune In... Lather - Rinse - Repeat, Literally!
I AM GRATITUDE is another one that's amazing. My goal is to shift my default thoughts, my thought landscape - wall color to something more like what this guy is turning out in these meditations! Thanks man! Really, I appreciate you! Stay tuned!
Once upon a time I made a monthly journey on a road called Flagstaff. It was steep and twisted, narrow and scenic. You could round a switchback and practically catch a rock climber dangling down. It flattened out a bit at the top... still curvy now rolling and a bit rocky on the sides as I recall. There was a sudden uphill dirt driveway... was it a jetta I was driving at that time? I can't quite remember or an old 4 door subaru or a rodeo. No matter. Parking was tight and it was early on a Saturday morning... could be VERY early depending on my assignment for the day. Participants in the sweat could arrive later on, the fire tenders had to be there very early indeed. That was my favorite... I love fire, especially sacred well tended and intentional pampered fire! There's nothing like it in all the world. It's magical of the first order and the stones in the center being turned into glowing beauties were a thing to behold.
Those were the days when I first got to know Sue and Trishuwa, Margaret, Maggio, Angela, Wren, and many more names and faces. Years later the ceremonies moved from Flagstaff to Tum Tum, WA just outside Spokane. Sue followed them there and I followed them as well as a visitor. Vision Mountain and the long house all originally founded by Sun Bear...I slept in his cabin on one visit. Boy that was quite an interesting night!!
But I digress and now the the thread of thought is gone. The Medicine Wheel was part of the teachings of Sun Bear and those who studied with him. I learned it as part of the sweat and pipe ceremonies. Now I will create a sacred wheel on my own property... all my own. I had hoped to walk the land and pick the spot with Sue this very weekend. Now I can do that still but she will be with me in Spirit. Miss you Ms. Sue!
Wow... I have to be quick here today. Brevity may be the best antidote any how... My friend Sue Fischer passed away August 5th. She was suppose to come and visit me here over the Labor Day holiday. We hadn't seen each other for awhile. I figured out via Facebook and the fact that her phone was disconnected and no response to email that she died. Holy fucking shit! She was only 63! OK... let that sink in a bit.
This is my first experience with the death of a friend. My first experience with death of a person close to me since getting sober. Holy shit! I'll write more another day but I have officially turned over yet another page... and once again started over at the beginning of figuring out how to take care of MYSELF! Here's the funky poem that floated up this morning... so happy to snatch it off the surface, here you go. Dedicated to Sue!
I had to go outside
To experience the
Coming inside again.
I had to BE inside
To feel the freedom
Of flowing outside once more.
Outside to inside
In to out again
Over and over
Back and forth
To and fro
As the seasons go
So we flow
I can only SEE
The in from inside
And the outside from out
Both ever flowing
And outside in.
Again & again.
Laurie McCauley 8-13-2018
Dedicated to Susan Fischer one of the most giving and amazing people I've ever known! Put in a good word for me will you, Sue! Published at 11:11am
Perhaps this is a true and unadulterated testament to getting older. Although I do have friends older than myself that are all about their time in the sun. I even have at least one friend who actually pays to go to a tanning salon. I was sure that the better part of darwin would have closed those places by now. Wow!
It got me to thinking, remembering the last time I actually did care about a tan line. I guess it was about 5 years ago when going out on the boat on Lake George I would wear a tube top dress to avoid strappy lines. Now I don't even uncover to let my arms show when I'm gardening. My forearms are covered with darker brown splotchy patches that don't scrub off and only get darker when they get sun. What the hell is that shit? All I know at this point is I don't want it to get worse and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a direct result of already getting over exposed in those areas.
I have rose hip oil that I use now, Shirley swears by it. She uses it for morning, noon and night cream too. It's oily... so I guess I do glow and I'm not sure if that's really good... probably attracts the sun? Who knows. This getting old stuff is for the birds!
I know I have or should have way more interesting things to write about but I'm fresh right now. I am in the process of updating and recreating really, by business website. The test address is www.onupward2.weebly.com I'm pretty proud of myself really. The old website is dated and was created by my web guy who is AOL. I wanted to redo and regenerate anyway so here's my golden opportunity. Bye for now...
PS. I'll have to take some screen shots of the old site just for shits and giggles some day in the future. (www.onupward.com).
There, I said it! As much as I would love to completely avoid the topic it's variably impossible! For the record I'm an Independant. I have little to zero faith in politicians of any party. I voted for Trump because, as usual, the options were slim to none. I didn't vote for a statesman I voted for a businessman that I hoped may, at least, be capable of correcting the course of our national financial inefficiency and bankruptcy. I had no pipe dreams about any other area of government... but I digress. During the course of the week at Mountain Top Inn a writing prompt was presented by Gary Margolis in an afternoon session: "personal - political - playful" and here's what surfaced word for word - unedited.
"I find politics personally divisive and annoying. The framework stereotyped all around is: all-or-nothing, black-or-white, fight-or-fail, live-or-die... there is NO gray area - no room for conversation, playful curiosity. humorous creative solutions. There is only dread - lost lives - black oceans - lost species - dying neglected ignorant people filling jails and working for non-wages in fields. Fields I imagine from Grapes of Wrath... (thanks media).
I create a new politics, where people approach with optimism and kind compassion (for EVERYONE). Where magical inventions are possible and humans are allowed to evolve and stop rotting in the pessimistic past of greed, judgement and uncaring or passionate ignorance!"
Believe it or not I woke up this morning and remembered snippets of a fabulous dream. I was in conference rooms and board rooms and the oval office itself coaching leagues of resentful obsessed politicians and law makers and media talking faces and media editors... my word, that I repeated over and over... "SOLUTION" Is that a solution? That's not a solution... look for a SOLUTION... be creative - be fearless - be bold in finding and discussing SOLUTIONS... present me with only solutions that WORK... The fabulous part of the dream was some of them were actually LISTENING!
I just returned... shit it's been a week, unbelievable! So I recently returned from my first writer's workshop / conference. I was invited by my friend and poetry coach, Bev. In retrospect I'm uncertain why it took me so long to get myself to a seminar around the written word. In a time of frugal thinking I traded my annual photography workshop time and money to experiment with writing. Was I intimidated? unaware? uninterested? Did I deem the topic overwhelming or just unessential... All these questions mere curiosities as I enjoyed it immensely and will be going back, definitely! I believe I was also fortunate to lucky, perhaps my true self was just waiting for the "right" writing conference to present itself. The Green Mountain Writer's Conference is an "anti-conference" or the antidote to the typical writer's workshop... I'll have to take their collective "word for it" as this was my first one. The next few posts I create will provide more insights and information as I "spread the love" over several days here.
I enrolled serendipitously in Justen Ahren's morning intensive, website description: "Justen Ahren will lead a workshop entitled A Devotion to Writing. This is designed for writers across the genres. Borrowing from principles found in monastic practices throughout the world, each day Justen will lead discussion on a different topic, such as surrender, gratitude and intention and tie the discussion to several writing prompts. The idea is to help you develop strategies to stay on task, to find time in our busy lives for writing, to learn how to concentrate." Even though I have the practice of morning pages and daily stream of consciousness writing, this appealed to me and ended up being an amazing platform for "jumping off and jumping in!"
OK... Here's a piece I wrote on the third day... the prompt: "the things I carry"
Justen set the scene by describing how he witnessed monks taking a small bowl out each morning to beg for their food for the day... bring a small bowl to your higher power and ask for what you need without judgement or expectations...
The Things I Carry:
The bowl is small and so the pack, the canteen, the blanket, the cup, the spoon, the bags and containers. Because life is short and uncertain.
Because life is short and uncertain I carry too much - too many. I stuff myself and my mind as if there is no tomorrow. What I carry is the fear of an unfulfilling future. I walk around with pillows tied around me, bumper guards - a giant jock strap around my chin - shin guards and steel toed boots. All of this weighing me down - physically - emotionally - intellectually - spiritually. Not just hanging... but clanging and dragging and catching on things as I lumber past.
Peeling it off layer by layer - inch by inch - item by item is drudgery THEN enlightening; ferocious and unfathomable THEN blessed and bright. I may imagine a breakthrough only to discover in short order yet another murky - moody - mulchy - layer of moldy shit. Fuck! Is there no end to this?!
Let's take food for example... I know less is more. Smaller amounts of delicious tastiness is perfectly satisfying and wonderful. I feel airy and light and energized - "I feel MARVELOUS - just MARVELOUS..."
And then I look down to see my hand going for another - then another - pre-programmed - mindless - unconscious - even as I witness the packing on and stuffing in.
Is there some mysterious, untouchable lesson yet to fucking learn? Reveal yourself already! Is it stuffed anger that calls for the extra turkey stuffing? Is it fear - or grief - or loneliness? Perhaps a lack of self confidence or support?
What the fuck? I keep asking faithfully and faithfully, in Spirit's time, I will be answered. I'll strip off the jock strap and shin guards - perhaps a pillow or bumper or two or ten and remember it's SAFE (BIG SIGH) and I'm OK and all is right with the world.
P.S. Hurry up - please -
Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. -- Thich Nhat Hanh
At The T-Shirt Factory in Glens Falls I discovered Pottery, Tea & Crystals of all sorts. My fabulous and magical journey continues to unfold daily in amazing and wonderful ways. (Knock wood.) My gratitude is a fountain ever flowing over and over in the center of my piazza. (Nice image for gratitude, that, ever present, ever flowing and at the center of everything!)
As one of the tasks in one of the three Julia Cameron programs I'm playing with weekly with friends... I think it was for the Never Too Late to Begin Again... I was asked to create a list of 25 things I LOVE... This was MUCH harder than I had imagined it would be. MUCH more difficult. It was also an incredibly marvelous mind / thought toy. When I am gardening or driving and notice that a particularly un-flattering or negative thought pattern is run amok I can switch / flip over to considering what are some things I truly, truly LOVE in life. What an amazing alternative to pessimistic - future fearful - or just plain stupid thought spirals! I dig it. I have, of course, surpassed the original 25 and created categories for top ten lists... Top 10 Things... (Fire, Sky, Thunderstorms, My Jeep, Books, Office Supplies, Surprise Presents via US Mail, etc.) Top 10 Activities (Gardening, Writing, Organizing, etc.) Top Ten SMELLS (Baking Bread, honeysuckle, jasmine, sandalwood), Top Ten People (Christian, Mom, John, Renee, Pam, Melissa, Shirley, etc.), Top Ten Songs/Music, Top Ten Foods, Top Ten Beverages (Coffee... OMG!)... you get the idea.
It has truly assisted me in distinguishing out what I love from what I like or tolerate. I can also have fun with/for myself and send myself something in the mail and bake bread or learn to make tom yum goong nam khon (ต้มยำกุ้งน้ำข้น) a Thai soup that I LOVE... So in addition to a thought toy I can also create a fun to do list of projects I would love.
It's interesting to discover that I have developed preferences, of course, over the course of life. I can also readily identify those things that I DON"T LOVE... or LIKE. The LOVE exercise has rendered an internal conversation and debate about what LOVE is and then what it feels like, tastes like, smells like, sounds like, where to get it, when I had it last... or NOT... to savor in memory to attempt to reproduce or simply appreciate more in the very moment I'm in. Wow, How Wonderful, Fascinating and Curious, Yeah!!
More to come later on my connection to the Greek Mythology of Cassandra and my discovery of a new author Sonia Choquette. In case I forget ;-)
I went to a wonderful workshop "Creative Myths & Monsters - The Artist's Way" presented by Julia Cameron and hosted by Kripalu last weekend. It seems like a year away already, it's unreal and crazy how time flies.
I don't have the time or inclination to share all the details and amazing breakthroughs that have resulted from that shared time and since, at least not at this moment. Suffice it to say that I highly recommend the book... and that's the understatement of the century. The tools provided by the process of awakening your creative self in The Artist's Way are beyond miraculous. There is also paradox in their simplicity... paradox as you know, is a requirement of mine.
I will detail breakthroughs in coming posts but for now... a poem straight from my morning pages...
Just A Little Diggin'
What is buried
Ain't so hard
Just a little diggin'
Just a little spade
Just a little time
You gotta push
the dirt back from the hole.
You gotta make space.
Sort the weeds.
Spread that dirt out a bit.
Integrate it, what's bein' dug up!
What you'll find.
Not all the world
Can tell you.
Gifts - for sure.
Shiny or smudgy
Seems like buried treasures
Seems like - maybe
I buried them long ago
for me to find...?
Not all the world
can tell you,
but you'll know.
Just a little diggin'
Just a little spade
Just a little time
And smilin' !
Post Script... I've been amazed how often the previous post has shown up in my mind chatter. Did I say that?? OMG... I should qualify, change, or Jesus... just erase the whole post.
Who do I think I am?
I haven't changed it. BTW. I've learned a lot about my true self by writing it to begin with and by sitting with it. Who will judge me? Does it matter? Is it representative of what I really think/feel?
Discussing the topic with friends yesterday and remembering the following Tolle quotes... I don't need to defend... I need to remember it's not personal and choose one of the most effective responses which is nonreaction... (Chapter 3 page 62)
Three aspects to true freedom and enlightened living according to Tolle
(A New Earth Chapter 8 page 225):
That's interesting... in the words of the Zen Master... "Is that so?" So I'm hanging out today not spreading black mulch in the rain. Grateful for the time to just BE and not do or go anywhere. I happened upon this TED Talk by Luvvie Ajayi - Get Comfortable With Being... Uncomfortable.
Listening to her choked me up. Excellent! I'm no domino! ... Maybe?
I guess I've finally had enough and that's saying something folks because it really takes a lot to prod me to talk about politics. For the record I am an Independent and I voted for Trump. In general I don't give a good holy shit about politics.
For the record, I'm not politically "informed" about anything and I admit it. There, you don't have to go hunting through my past to "reveal" me as politically ignorant. I also voted for Obama. OMG, I know, the horror of it all. I formally vote to support balance of power with the parties. Either party in charge too long, in my humble opinion, is a recipe for national disaster. No one is right 100% and no one is wrong 100%. Respect, flexibility, open-mindedness, moderation and balance has worked for me, personally. I also grow tired of the sound of their voices!
For the record, I like the fact that Trump has stirred up so much conversation. I think that's called democracy...? I also have noticed that a lot of my friends are VERY liberal and VERY judgmental. Yikes!! I respect the decision of the majority and I think everyone should. Perhaps Trump is a bit abrasive... hee hee... he's not the first president to rub people the wrong way and won't be the last... thank goodness!
For the record I've never been a big fan of the media and their VERY slanted and not so subtle opinions about everything. I can't even find truly non-biased reporting on NPR. It's a little frightening, actually. The incredible un-ending fear mongering is so normal I don't think people even notice it any longer!! I haven't watched network news for DECADES!!
For the record, there is nothing news worthy (to me) about fake news... really? What took everyone so long? I haven't had an iota of faith or taken stock in ANY statistic, poll, survey or other such source of "fact" since my freshman statistic courses in college. It was perfectly clear to me after only two semesters that any stat could be twisted to mean anything anyone wanted to... simple, adjust the results, the sample size, the sample circumstances, the wording of a question or outcome... you name it. All very legitimately in the statistics world, too, by the way.
For the record... guns don't kill people, people kill people. Enforce the fucking laws on the books instead of making new ones. Seriously!
For the record... what you resist persists, try some different approaches when wars on things are NOT working, just sayin'. We are bright, creative people, right?
For the record I don't want the laws/government in the car with me... or in my pantry or refrigerator telling me to wear a seat belt, have tire pressure gauges or not to eat trans fats or sugar. I'm a fucking adult and I can manage my own tire pressure and decide what to eat on my own, thank you very much.
For the record, just now, I had momentary hesitation about speaking my mind. Afraid of retribution in some way. THAT'S not healthy in a democracy. I had a friend call anyone who voted for Trump an idiot... I had another friend say that Trump is shaming the office of president... Maybe the time has come for the people to remember it's everyone's country and a bit of respect goes a long way. For everyone!
Ok... then. I'm done thinking about it for another ten years or so. Good grief people! This too shall pass!
Here's a poem that came to me 4/23 and was more than a bit prophetic. The day after I participated in a Jeep Offroad playground event... I'll explain more after you read it...
I was brave
I was courageous
I was sociable
I was helpful
I was fun
I was supportive
I was excited
I was expressive
I was enthusiastic
I was ME!
Enough about yesterday.
What am I being today?
It was a pathway moment.
I don't even know what I mean by that.
I sense a path
Unfolding - unrolling
A path of my design
Yet unknown to me
In it's subtlety & nuances.
I feel the road is rising
The air clearer
The sky a bit brighter
Or just different.
I do feel an opening
A new door
A new room
A new way of SEEING.
Something lifts (again)
Eases the struggle
Lightens the mood
An agreement is reached
A new treaty
Ready to be signed
All parties aligned
On this for now
For always on this
What is "it"?
Just a new way of being
A sensing of everything
In a new way.
A partnership - true - existing
Since the beginning - always -
Is newly ratifited - clarified
Released and surrendered.
Into a partnership
or RELATE - TION - SHIP
There have been two HUGE breakthroughs in the last bit... I think I wrote about one... the tri part beingness... the openness now to just experiencing my body without expectations or judgement is a monumental shift. I'm constantly reminding myself of... checking my thoughts. The whole idea that my-ness includes such an incredible, intelligent, grounded amazing "machine." Fucking Wow!! Everything is miraculous every moment... when I remember to be present which is more and more often. Tolle videos are amazing also... so concise and clear and resonating with me. Check it out... THE POWER OF PRESENCE...
That is all for today. Oh, I remembered what LOVE feels like. More on that later.
My emotions are right under my skin lately ready to pop out at any moment. Shit! I was a speaker at a meeting this morning and I got choked up. I can get choked up at the drop of hat lately. I'm actually tuned in enough to cry on cue. I know the exact story to focus on to get it going. That's a lifetime first. Times were when nothing could make me cry!
I finished the 12 week Artist's Way program with a friend and we've started another one called Finding Water. I was moved, touched and inspired to start yet another program by Julia Cameron... It's Never Too Late to Begin Again... Discovering Creativity and Meaning at Midlife and Beyond. The title of this one strikes a cord with numerous friends of mine! More than half the people I know can relate. The daily morning pages and weekly artist's date are now flanked by a twice weekly walk and a weekly exploration of my past in four year segments..
I've been listening to Conversations with God in the car... so check this shit out..
"You are a tri-part being, made of body, mind, and spirit. You will always be a tri-part being, not just while you are living on the Earth." (Let that shit sink in, like really!) There are those who hypothesize that upon death the body and the mind are dropped. The body and the mind are NOT dropped..... In truth you are all one energy, yet with three distinct characteristics..." (Book 1 page 181) So this blew my mind and I'm still processing. I was obviously raised in the school of death being the end of the body/mind part. God was a tri-part being Father, Son & Holy Spirit. More on all this later once I digest it further...
Today is a rainy day. We had two sunny ones in a row. I'm sitting at my favorite table in my observation lounge at Providence Lodge. The grackles are finishing off the suet and the rest of the rain swept yard is quiet. Yesterday there were at least eight tree swallows doing airborne gymnastics. I LOVE watching them. We have eight bird houses ready for occupancy. After watching them yesterday I think we may have a few new tenants. The new windows are in the garage to be installed soon. I'm moving rocks around. I feel great when I'm doing stuff outside. No big surprise there really.
I'm feeling a little "off" still. The anniversary thing, perhaps. I'm also experiencing a huge transitional space... I've spent more time now at Providence Lodge (I am calling it that, officially! I've decided it's FATE... ) I'm loving it more or at least as much as I imagined! It's over the top amazing and breathtaking in every way!
I think of posting probably once per day... the inner critic/censor attempts to berate and make me feel guilty for not posting. Sorry... that's not working out for the critic. I post when I'm inspired to do so... not because I should... just sayin'... so THERE!
Ken, a old friend, romantic partner and fiancee for a brief time... used to frequently use those very words to describe a myriad of truly wonderful things, experiences, thoughts, art, you name it. As a catch compliment it's uncommitted and borderline negative with a feeling of "it's OK now but could totally go south at any moment..." a bit of a mixture of a sigh of relief and a knocking on wood. I love it.
In this moment it came to mind when summing up my experience of poetry reading yesterday. It was a small crowd, thankfully, 2/3 of the people I invited appeared. The important ones, of course! The sky didn't fall, the earth did NOT come to an end. All is well. I'm ready to try it again, actually. There was something both liberating and satisfying in the actual speaking and the basking in the praises (of my very close friends, of course what else would they say!).
When people say "moving" - "inspiring" - "touching"... I think LANDMARK... so it was touching, moving and inspiring, awesome! What a hoot that a poem can have many lives. It came to me and helped me... then speaking it again it goes out and touches others. That's soooo cool! I guess, what's not to love about that! Full circle folks... I met Ken at Landmark Education LA. That's a wrap. Cafe Lena here I come =)
I believe it's a relatively well known fact that people tend to be afraid of the unknown. Perhaps because the imagination can fill in any gap or vacuum of information with a worst case scenario? Who knows... speaking for myself, in this moment, this day... I have my first ever public reading of my poetry. I'm speaking my poetry in public for the first time... I've posted the flyer to mark the day in history =) I also pasted it on my Facebook page! =)
I'm rather mellow... I profess to be afraid... I jokingly say that a blizzard today would be awesome... (my state of mind not much changed from my previous CAN wait for Spring sentiments). It's all very interesting and curious, really, that's all. I've practiced enough. Perhaps too much already I grow bored with the content myself. I want it to be fresh today.
Bev my writing/poetry coach has reviewed it with me including the intros and transitions. There will be people there... headliners, more in the spotlight and "famous" to distract any attention from me. It's all very perfect and low key. I just about said... and scarier than shit!
Rather than worse case scenario I'm creating fun and play and best case scenario or at worst... just an experience I can report back that I accomplished while planning my next life. When the topic of mid life poetry reading comes up - Been there, done that!
I am angry at Spring this year. I'm not ready. I'm not interested in the burgeoning, birthing, breakout time. I want more snow and cold and hibernation. I'm not really eager, enthusiastic or particularly happy that it's that time of year again. The intensity of my Spring irritation does come and go. There certainly are moments, with the snow up to my knees, that I have a fleeting image of grass and flip flops. My mind, however, immediately goes to 90+ degree humidity and weeds and mosquitoes. Oh Joy...
I'm just going on the record here. While everyone sings the praises of Spring and can't seem to keep their clothes on... I'm wistful and living in appreciation of snow and bundling up and cozy fires. By the time Spring actually arrives I'm sure I'll be on board with it (what choice do I have)... but in the mean time I'm loving any pre-spring-like, deep winter fling that comes my way.
There are so many irrational fears that run through my head on a moment by moment millisecond basis it's amazing that I am out and walking about at all. I used to be a bit condescending towards a friend who was a germaphobe or others who are afraid of travel or dirt and germs or spiders and snakes... I'm not afraid of natural things... people scare the shit out of me... apparently only because I CARE... the opposite of what I tell myself... that I DON'T care. How fucked up is that?!! If I REALLY didn't care then I wouldn't be so frightened.
I have to give myself some serious kudos that I am able to demonstrate the level of bravery that has gotten me though my life to date. The continued bravery is necessary for the most mundane day to day experiences and like cleaning house, the last layer of shit is the most revealing when it's finally lifted or cleared away.
And like so many other things... I am perfectly in sync and flow. I am ready to know and clear on my boundaries... many of them. I have learned to pause and check in and listen carefully before I respond or react. I couldn't face my internal judge until I was willing to stand up for something. I couldn't stand up for anything until I made some choices and took time to tune into my internal stations.
Now I can fiercely stand and kindly communicate my preferences. I can speak my fears if only to whisper them to myself. Wow that is BRAVE since I'm the harshest censor of all! Well done!
Peeling the onion as a metaphor for life... I'm done with it. It always kinda pissed me off... the never ending-ness of it and today I discovered a replacement that is just as appropriate and much more inspiring. I finished the 12 week course in the Artist's Way and not until the Epilogue does the image on the cover click!
Artist's Way Epilogue - Julia Cameron
"What I conjure now is a mountain of Himalayan proportions with a path winding upward to its height. That path, a spiral path, is how I think of the Artist's Way. As we pursue climbing it, we circle back on the same views, over and over, at slightly different altitudes. 'I've been here before,' we think, hitting a spell of drought. And, in a sense, we have been. The road is never straight. Growth is a spiral process, doubling back on itself, reassessing and regrouping.
As artists, our progress is often dogged by rough terrain or storms. A fog may obscure the distance we have covered or the progress we have made toward our goal. While the occasional dazzling vista may grace us, it is really best to proceed a step at a time, focusing on the path beneath our feet as much of the heights still before us. The Artist's Way is a spiritual journey, a pilgrimage home to the self..."
The timeliness of this image is mind blowing! Truly! As I prepare for a poetry reading event I've been reviewing my journals from the 70's 80's and 90's. As usual I've found it disturbing how wise I was and how I seemed to forget lessons and insights so readily; disturbing and borderline depressing, actually. So depressing in fact I had taken solace in a recent On Being segment regarding depression... The Soul In Depression.
I was comforted beyond expression when I read the passage above this morning and understood, from a different perspective (altitude) we will experience the same views over and over and this is fine and normal. Progress, as I understand it does not apply to this pilgrimage. What a relief!
It's useful to discover and recover and identify the past and look at it only so long. The saying goes the past is in the rear view mirror but if you keep staring at it you'll run the car off the road. So... whatever the relationship was I'm choosing a different future.
How to begin? I don't consider myself very adept at developing relationships. I have, however, learned in the last few years a few things. Time is important. Dedicated - uninterrupted time to be with the other and listen and share. This builds intimacy, shared experiences, memories, relate-able events and moments to draw on for future reference.
That's all. That's were to begin. A body date, I'll call it something interesting and fun and set aside the time... not to exercise, specifically... more to come, stay tuned.
Born & raised by a workaholic - still recovering!
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!