I've wondered before about the meaning and use of the word "decision." The way it is used in the world at large doesn't seem to represent the gravity of the actual definition. Cut off from all other options... like set in stone... like for real...

I am noticing that I am an impulsive and very intentional person - paradox! Funny, right?! I like to try things on, take them for a spin, check them out, play around, work it out, feel it out, play with it... different seasons, different areas, and shades and levels. Until I'm familiar i.e. have knowledge and or experience and understanding on many different levels what the "thing" IS FOR REAL in all it's complicatedness... I can't go for it, for real.

Step back... what am I trying to say? I've been playing around with diet and exercise for a couple of years... well a year at least. It's taken me this long to

  separate the FUCKING SHOULD SHIT
                         from what's REAL for me!

No one's fault, you understand, my own fucked up way of being - internalizing all I learned. So what I've figured out is I hate to exercise. I love to eat and cook. I hate being chubby. I hate being in-flexible. I meditate when I cook. I feel good when I don't eat too. I've also noticed (again) that moderation is the way to go. Revelation? epiphany? YES... AGAIN! Different area of life, same concept, new epiphany.*

Oh my god... the more awareness I seem to realize - the more "shoulds" I notice EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME! They are inside my head and spewing out of people's mouths CONSTANTLY!

Just to be free of all the pre-accessed judgments would be completely and utterly amazing. I don't think I would know what to do. No categories, no stereotypes? What?! Shit!

A great distinction I heard earlier on an On Being show... I want to record here before I forget. The idea that we are becoming constantly learning and growing is relegated to youth. When it happens to adults it's confined to menopause or mid life crisis... we are, as humans constantly becoming or could be... (Interview with Joy Ladin)

"MS. LADIN: It’s different to become yourself in any respect in middle age as opposed to when you’re a child, partly because you tend to be the only one around who’s going through those developmental stages, but also because you do it with adult consciousness for better and for worse. So I could see myself trying to learn to walk in a different way and silly stages that I actually couldn’t have avoided."

So, it's like that... I am continually learning and growing and becoming. I'll have my third sober anniversary April 14th. I think of myself as three years old or at least 3+ the age I started drinking... so 26 maybe... And I have NO IDEA what that means... so I'm just slumming around with myself and Chris and people I meet  or know - winging it baby... 

                               WINGING IT FOR REAL!

Perhaps a mentor or a therapist or a sponsor would help me (I have all those things) but I'm suspect that I've got a built in doubter/rebel who will have to play with anything and test it out for myself regardless. My lack of truly trustworthy, mature and wise adults has had interesting consequences... another SHOULD!?  you should avoid the advice of anyone and anything because they are usually wrong... for you.

*Check it out... I don't want to jinx it but... since I figured out that I just want to loose 40 pounds. I have zero interest in getting in "shape"... I've lost 5 pounds in two days. I've been eating smart... using all I've learned and all the resources I've discovered along the way to support me in my weight loss goal. I haven't been arguing with myself or unconsciously eating or feeling deprived or making excuses or whining...  Now that I type it out it seems incredibly adolescent / childish... AWESOME! That's right where I'm at! Finally!

(I guess you might deduct from the above statement that I decided that CrossFit is not for me. I gave it a month-ish... another topic for another day... it's not for me, but it helped me get HERE... =)

"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life." Robert Louis Stevenson

Our greatest happiness in life does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has placed us, but is always the result of good conscience, good health, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits." Thomas Jefferson

​Happy Spring!

The Search

I went to find the pot of gold
That's waiting where the rainbow ends.
I searched and searched and searched and searched
And searched and searched, and then - 
There it was, deep in the grass,
Under an old and twisty bough.
It's mine, it's mine, it's mine at last...
What do I search for now?

Where the Sidewalk Ends
​Shel Silverstein

I just looked up synonyms for gratitude and grace appeared. It wouldn't have occurred to me but it fits I suppose.

A blizzard is raging outside... a "Nor'easter" apparently. From my perspective it looks so harmless, at least at this early morning hour. I've made arrangements and taken precautions... everyone is home today... everything was cancelled last evening based on the TV screen real estate consumed by closure notices. The Jeep, Beauty in Blue, is parked facing the street so I can smash merrily through the snow drift at the end of driveway - head first! Only a couple inches of the predicted 24 has fallen so far. I'll need to wait a while to let the snow drift at the street develop properly before I head out... =)  I digress

I'm cozy... somehow cozier due to the weather. Sitting on my favorite stool at the beautiful stone kitchen island and sipping a bit of Starbucks Christmas blend coffee that carefully hoarded. NPR's morning edition is done and I've switched to a nice Pandora shuffle... the song playing? "Blessed" by Brett Dennen. (NO SHIT folks!!) "Blessed is this life. I'm going to celebrate being a live." I totally love it when this sort of thing happens! NO KIDDING... so I know I'm on the right track/tact/path when the "random" things support me. Anyway... I digress AGAIN!

Grace... beauty - decency - dignity - ease - balance - consideration - tact - poise - agility 

Maybe that will be my right wrist tattoo... what a beautiful, wonderful, magical word! Guess what's playing now? "By The Grace of the Sea" Dan Gibson... NICE!

I'm free. I'm healthy. I'm aware. I'm loved unconditionally. I have resources and abundance of all sorts. My cup runneth over! I am living in gratitude but occasionally it swoops in and requires additional acknowledgement. Some mornings it actually brings me to tears. Perhaps there's a poem? Let's listen and see... 

GRACE
The context shifts
The background noise mutates
Something breezy
Floats by in the corner
Of your eye

No rush to identify
Only peacefully gaze
Forward looking

Ice picks and needles
fire and ice
something punctures
heats and cools

pathways appear
where none were
possible

Just as I dreamed
there's magic
hidden lightly
lying only there...

the cover slips
shimmering
transparent

Always there
unseen travelling
behind - beside
above - below

Welcome!
And THANK YOU!

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it." William James (1842-1909 American Psychologist & Author).

"If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." Ben Franklin

Both quotes are perfect in their own regard. I am always searching for that internal compass that is clear and vocal and persistent... then attempting to surrender to it!! Listening and surrendering are the critical elements for me. I had a great chat with Pam on Saturday and we discussed the possibility of creating a program of some sort that assists with enhancing people's awareness - mindfulness - consciousness.

This is where the second quote above dovetails perfectly. My current plan is to pursue the Courage & Renewal facilitator training program and revisit Dr. Ellen J. Langer's book and teachings around Mindfulness. Her authenticity and "no-nonsense" approach to the entire subject is fun and very appealing! (A Fru Fru Free Zone! OR A Frou Frou Free Zone.. =) )

It's a rainy day today. I rather wish the precipitation where frozen nicely... I am enjoying the wetness regardless of the temperature... busy day.

extemporaneous- done, spoken, performed, etc. without special advance preparation;impromptu

Patience is rewarded. Always. I've been listening to the Conversations with God again.. Book One, Chapter Three is amazing...  Universal laws and partnership with Creator, an eternal covenant is described... Discusses the existence of the holy trinities... mind, body, spirit; before, during, after; conscious, subconscious, super conscious; energy, matter, anti matter; id, ego, superego;  physical, nonphysical, metaphysical; mind, heart, soul; past, present, future; here, there, space between... the three aspects are three energies... thought, word & deed.

Re-member.... to put back together the parts. The process of creation starts with thought, next comes the word, the second level of creation... they disrupt. Next comes action
Actions are words moving
Words are thoughts expressed
Thoughts are ideas formed
Ideas are energies come together
Energies are forces released
Forces are elements existent
Elements are particles of God
Portions of all, the stuff of everything
The beginning is God
The end is action
Action is God creating
or God experienced

(I love this bit from the audio book, it goes so fast I'm so excited to finally be typed it out.)

The point is consciousness to become the highest vision of yourself. Watch every thought and actively audit and edit to ensure that they are in alignment with your idea of your highest self. How can I best do that. It's so much better than it used to be... but there's always room for improvement. =)