Forgiveness is an essential element of enlightened, serene living... at least, I guess, that's what I heard. I haven't had much to do with forgiveness on my journey so far. I understand the concept of course. I hear about others and judge them easily regarding their ability and circumstances to forgive and forget or either or neither. I've had people do nasty things to me or thoughtless, hurtful things and I just let it go. At least I think I did, didn't I? It's so hard to really tell sometimes, honesty or just awareness of feelings is a tough one. More on that later.
For example, apparently, I've been exceedingly angry and resentful at myself for a long long time! Like forever! Fuck! I discovered this on September 19, 2019. I was determined to force some sort of memorable milestone worthy of the sweet date numerology so... I induced the labor so that 9-19-19 will forever be the day I finally forgave myself for being born on this planet.
That's a wowzer statement, I suppose. It assumes you know me, I guess. So, first off, I'm an introvert, I just found that helpful label (thanks to: The Introverted Mom, Jamie Martin). I'm very sensitive and baffled by how fucked up people can be regarding each other, entire races, the planet, religion, OMG... etc. etc. I also take full cosmic and physical responsibility for my life, how it started, where I'm going and where I've been. Expectations and overwhelm have been ongoing themes and I've had to develop a very tough, thick exterior to muddle my way through all the thoughtless insanity of the human race. I was born to a fucking child and wife abuser. If I was provided the universe of potential planets and experiences and lives to choose from, why would I choose that? I've been doing a lot of digging and "work" prior to this trans-formative date. Thanks to my abusive parent I was apparently left hopeless and insecure (see Pyschosocial Stage 1 -Erik Erikson). If the shoe fits! So without getting any deeper into my belief system... bottom line, I forgive myself for choosing this excessively beautiful and horrific planet.
So, big deal, really for sure! Totally worth the fabulous 9-19-19 date designation... why? What this means is I can ALLOW myself to align because I've given up the ghost, for real. I forgive myself for being here and all the shit that goes with that good and bad.
I'm in the process of forging a brilliant analogy: a prison cell, me in the cell. All the breakthroughs I'd had until the 9-19-19 allowed me to notice the cell, to find the lock, to see there was a key that was needed... to even find the key and a tiny step stool to reach the lock. Forgiveness provided that final bit on how to jiggle and twist the key in the mechanism to actually get the fucking thing open! A crack, perhaps, but open! Back in the saddle, indeed!
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!