Quick thoughts...

• I had a very detailed dream as a child. I never really expected it to come true. Now it is.
• Who am I, now the child again? in a way... Will I be happy with what I dreamed of? Will the view somehow backfire?
• I can finally plan and truly, for the first time in my life, settle down and create a life without constant change and movement. 
• I listened to the Ted Radio hour episode on Quiet this morning... NICE! I especially like the bits about introverts and resonate with the idea that solitude is JUST FINE... It is NOT ALL about community ALL the time... Ted Radio Hour - Episode Quiet

​It's Sunday and there's a meeting at 8 am then the Farmer's Market and I get to go off now and attempt to assist and be in service and LISTEN quietly and see what shows up! Excellent!

Not sure where to start with this one... I guess expressing frustration, anger, angst, and annoyance... all directed toward yours truly. I do recognize that I am the source of all my own consternation. That only serves to make the search for a solution more exasperating. I have been on a love hate relationship journey with my latest wellness program (diet). I have experienced some success loosing 10 ish pounds and breaking the lowest lately weight. I had the supreme joy of shopping for a couple new pairs of jeans, an unexpected expectation that hadn't occurred to me.

These successes acknowledged... I also have to admit that I am NOT enjoying it. It is WORK to come up with and stick to healthy, controlled eating of six meals per day. Am I making it harder than it needs to be... probably?! Am I experiencing repeated run-ins with "failure" and obsessive eating?! Most definitely. My coach has been supportive and consistent in his encouragement and focus on the bright side... tomorrow IS a new day... Today is Thanksgiving... I have given up trying to predict or control what I eat and I am still of the mind that somehow someday I will just WANT what is good... like children do before they learn to love or hate or covet or repel food.

I had a major indulgent adventure yesterday... It started with a bagel... with butter... OMG which, I know now, creates further intense hunger in a short time. That hunger was only partly sated by two Hattie's thighs and had to finally be muffed out by a "little" Five Guys cheese burger (all the way) a little fry and a salted caramel milk shake. Yes, folks, this is what binge eating looks like on paper. The reality, in the moment, was savoring every bite and throwing out a good portion of the latter because I really DON'T like being stuffed no matter how good it is. (I think this is progress??!!). 

Bottom line... I want the ongoing weight loss without the work of planning and will powering through 6 fucking meals a day. I'm much happier eating nothing then binge eating later... the binge can be smaller and less fattening... without sugar is actually fine... I think I will bust out the book called Diets Don't Work and read that again. 

Bottom, Bottom line... my true pissed off-ness is created by my lack of internal integrity or alignment... I notice myself promising myself things "OK... now, the rest of the day I won't eat anything... " "Oh, one more... that's IT!" I'm lying to myself fucking constantly. I need to shut the fuck up, sit with this whole thing, write and figure out what I am willing to truly agree to and follow through with from here. For today, Thanksgiving... I will not overeat. That is all I'm saying for now. Live with it. Tomorrow IS a new day and I promise to sit down and review my situation again at that time. 

I am determined to be bemused regarding this entire wellness - diet - weight loss and eating conversation! Dammit! Only in the way of the LAST definition!

bemused [bih-myoozd] adjective
1. bewildered or confused: a bemused expression on his face.
2. lost in thought; preoccupied.
3. mildly amused, especially in a detached way.

We camped out at the new house for over eight hours yesterday. It was wonderful. An over the top opportunity to sit with the space and map it and check it out inch by inch. Our Realtor, Joan, arranged for all the necessary inspections and an appraisal on the same day. Overwhelming and fabulous and nicely efficient. This home is larger than the first one we checked out and that I show in pictures in a previous blog. There is also 4x more property.  We were able to get an impromptu tour of the grounds including an active beaver lodge and damn, porcupine dens and a Heron nesting area. Wow!!  

I have to remind myself to trust and be fearless. I find myself spinning off into overwhelm and a bit of anxiety regarding the size of the place and the scope of projects to do as well as opportunities. Fuck - Fuck - Fuck!! We also get a range of reactions which reflect and mirror our own feelings... from skeptical disbelief to joyous celebration. 

That's the range of emotions I've been living in. I guess that's completely appropriate and perfect and it's grand that Chris and I are embarking on this whole thing together. I keep making a hand gesture reflective of reeling in a big fish... that's it... I have to keep reeling it in the expectations as well as the fears, the possibilities and the projects. It IS ALL GOOD and perfect and wonderful and exciting to be in the moment. THAT is where I resolve to stay rooted! 

Yeah!
​
Post Script
OH... the Doctor was absolutely wonderful! Well done Rappaport and Staff! Beyond reproach and I will post a positive review online for your timely, professional, courteousness! My faith in the existence of excellent medical professionals is restored... for now. =)

I have an appointment this morning with a Dermatologist I've never seen before. The last one I interacted with here in Saratoga was unethical, uncaring and an ego maniac... yep! I actually went back to have a couple of moles removed that she suggested at $300 a pop... OMG!! 

I had melanoma and two surgeries to remove the cancer in 1995. I was advised by the dermatologist I saw at the time that everything was fine and I'm the one who asked that the mole be biopsied. In a nut shell... I don't have a good track record with doctor's being very useful. I have since then gone to see a professional every 6 months for the first five years then every year since... approximately. Based on Chris' referral I made an appointment with Rappaport and just finished reading his "rules"... His office sent out paperwork to complete in advance, which is fine for a new patient situation. I was a bit put off by the tone of the letter, perhaps he gets lots of abuse...? people who don't carry ID or provide their insurance card? or cancel appointments w/o notice or aren't aware they may need a referral for insurance purposes.  The letter got me thinking and so I went online to look for reviews of Dr. Rappaport and it was a mixed bag. Chris just advised me to be patient when I get there, apparently he had to wait for awhile. This got my mind cranking on a different note. I am creating my own Patient Requirements & Requests that I would provide to any doctor I plan to see.

Dear Potential Doctor & Staff,

Welcome to my precious body, mind, spirit. I have successfully survived and thrived for 52 years in this bag of bones and know it quite well. I am intelligent, courteous, kind, curious, informed and respectful. I expect to be treated accordingly.  To avoid any misunderstandings in this regard allow me to be very specific.

1. When making an initial appointment I would appreciate any specific requirements be communicated via personal vocal interaction then followed up with a pleasant reminder.
2. When I arrive on time I expect to be processed and moved into an exam room in a timely fashion. I will not sit in a waiting room or exam room for more than 10 minutes. I will leave. My time is also precious and valuable. If the professional is running late, I must be notified and kept up to date on the new ETA. I may consider waiting or I may choose to reschedule at no additional expense to me... I may bill you... (just kidding!, maybe... =)
3. I am the customer, and all staff should be at least courteous and kind if not pleasant and relate-able. I have choices and respect myself sufficiently to avoid abrupt, rude or thoughtless bad mannered individuals. 
4. An initial visit should be relaxed and amenable not rushed and frantic. I have a relevant history / story which I can relate in a succinct manner. If I get off track, it is also your job, to steer me back to relevant topics. I consider basic communication skills, i.e. a favorable bedside manner a requirement for your profession. Plan to spend at least 15 minutes just talking. Also plan that I will interview you as well to determine whether or not I think you are suitable and qualified to be my trusted medical professional.
5. I require detailed information and explanations for all recommendations and conclusions. I am on the inside team with my medical professionals... radical honesty is required and to be delivered in a tactful manner. Links or recommendations on follow up research, supporting documents, studies and any additional information that would support your decision and my choices is appreciated.
6. I expect all fees to be communicated in advance and be open to consideration and explanation. I don't pretend to understand the intricacies of medical billing and reimbursement but I can spot and will protest a completely insane fee when I see it. (even if insurance pays).
7. I expect the same treatment on all subsequent visits, with the exception of the 15 minute intro/interview.  I do expect you and your staff to review my file so that you are familiar with my situation BEFORE I arrive and spend a few minutes checking in on my experience and/or progress. 
8. Finally I think it's appropriate in this day and age to be available via email to answer questions or concerns that may arise during my research. This would also apply to questions I may have regarding post appointment/treatment or regimen experiences. A 48 hour response time is acceptable and a phone line is even better.

If you are not amenable to my expectations, I completely understand. Our cultural norm is quite divergent from what I've laid out above. That's fine... I can and will find a medical professional who is interested in partnering with me regarding wellness. One who finds my requests as obvious and thoughtful as I do and appreciates a human willing to require respectful as well as informed services.

Please sign here that you and your staff have read and understand my requirements and requests...

Primary Professional Names & Dates
Staff Names & Dates

I'll let you know how it goes over!  =)

I had stopped dreaming or wishing or wondering really. I'd put down the desire in a back room closet, not full of dust and cob webs, but not part of the daily thought train either. It's been hanging around for so long, 40 years, maybe more or less. The dream of being on safe land with a view. My community project is something of legend in my mind. 

It's suddenly visible, palpable, real and in front of me. Holy Shit! It lends a whole new meaning to the saying "Careful what you wish for." It's fucking SCARY it's so big and awesome and perfect. I guess I'm ready and I'm grateful I have my wits about me (for the moment anyhow). Now what?! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! (as Dee and I would say in the day!)

I didn't realize how entrenched and attached I've become here, where I live now... familiar, comfortable, beautiful... home (Vista).  Finally tending the garden with vigor and grace... finally sorting out what to keep and let go, what fits and feels right and not. Actually just being present and focused on other things. Holy shit... now we'll have this place... I cringe, fearful I'll jinx the thing. Better not to say that until it's done. We only just found it. We only just realized on Saturday how IDEAL it is in ways we hadn't even thought of, dreamed possible. Vista is home and perfection in it's own way maybe that's why the dream was on a backroom closet shelf. 

Maybe that's the secret? I'd accepted how superb and wonderful it it is right now where I am. Does that create space for dreams to manifest...? The letting go and kinda giving in? The timing is unbelievable a superb God wink an undeniable alignment. Just that awareness gives me the courage to continue. So many new challenges and lessons and adventures OH MY!! I have a whole new way of being, behaving, perceiving. Chris & I together, a completely new book to create together... not just a new chapter!

That is all I can muster for the moment. My head and heart are a blur or thoughts and emotions. I had no idea anything could feel this way! I'm such a newbie at this!? Deep breath, stay present and ENJOY! Yep! I have a whole new level of compassion, understanding & appreciation for my move management clients. Yikes! Thoughts for later exploration: how does the place where you live define you? become part of you? how do people possible manage "being" in such different places? schitzo?