Not sure where to start with this one... I guess expressing frustration, anger, angst, and annoyance... all directed toward yours truly. I do recognize that I am the source of all my own consternation. That only serves to make the search for a solution more exasperating. I have been on a love hate relationship journey with my latest wellness program (diet). I have experienced some success loosing 10 ish pounds and breaking the lowest lately weight. I had the supreme joy of shopping for a couple new pairs of jeans, an unexpected expectation that hadn't occurred to me.
These successes acknowledged... I also have to admit that I am NOT enjoying it. It is WORK to come up with and stick to healthy, controlled eating of six meals per day. Am I making it harder than it needs to be... probably?! Am I experiencing repeated run-ins with "failure" and obsessive eating?! Most definitely. My coach has been supportive and consistent in his encouragement and focus on the bright side... tomorrow IS a new day... Today is Thanksgiving... I have given up trying to predict or control what I eat and I am still of the mind that somehow someday I will just WANT what is good... like children do before they learn to love or hate or covet or repel food.
I had a major indulgent adventure yesterday... It started with a bagel... with butter... OMG which, I know now, creates further intense hunger in a short time. That hunger was only partly sated by two Hattie's thighs and had to finally be muffed out by a "little" Five Guys cheese burger (all the way) a little fry and a salted caramel milk shake. Yes, folks, this is what binge eating looks like on paper. The reality, in the moment, was savoring every bite and throwing out a good portion of the latter because I really DON'T like being stuffed no matter how good it is. (I think this is progress??!!).
Bottom line... I want the ongoing weight loss without the work of planning and will powering through 6 fucking meals a day. I'm much happier eating nothing then binge eating later... the binge can be smaller and less fattening... without sugar is actually fine... I think I will bust out the book called Diets Don't Work and read that again.
Bottom, Bottom line... my true pissed off-ness is created by my lack of internal integrity or alignment... I notice myself promising myself things "OK... now, the rest of the day I won't eat anything... " "Oh, one more... that's IT!" I'm lying to myself fucking constantly. I need to shut the fuck up, sit with this whole thing, write and figure out what I am willing to truly agree to and follow through with from here. For today, Thanksgiving... I will not overeat. That is all I'm saying for now. Live with it. Tomorrow IS a new day and I promise to sit down and review my situation again at that time.
I am determined to be bemused regarding this entire wellness - diet - weight loss and eating conversation! Dammit! Only in the way of the LAST definition!
bemused [bih-myoozd] adjective
1. bewildered or confused: a bemused expression on his face.
2. lost in thought; preoccupied.
3. mildly amused, especially in a detached way.
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!