Bemused, Bothered & Bewildered

Not sure where to start with this one... I guess expressing frustration, anger, angst, and annoyance... all directed toward yours truly. I do recognize that I am the source of all my own consternation. That only serves to make the search for a solution more exasperating. I have been on a love hate relationship journey with my latest wellness program (diet). I have experienced some success loosing 10 ish pounds and breaking the lowest lately weight. I had the supreme joy of shopping for a couple new pairs of jeans, an unexpected expectation that hadn't occurred to me.

These successes acknowledged... I also have to admit that I am NOT enjoying it. It is WORK to come up with and stick to healthy, controlled eating of six meals per day. Am I making it harder than it needs to be... probably?! Am I experiencing repeated run-ins with "failure" and obsessive eating?! Most definitely. My coach has been supportive and consistent in his encouragement and focus on the bright side... tomorrow IS a new day... Today is Thanksgiving... I have given up trying to predict or control what I eat and I am still of the mind that somehow someday I will just WANT what is good... like children do before they learn to love or hate or covet or repel food.

I had a major indulgent adventure yesterday... It started with a bagel... with butter... OMG which, I know now, creates further intense hunger in a short time. That hunger was only partly sated by two Hattie's thighs and had to finally be muffed out by a "little" Five Guys cheese burger (all the way) a little fry and a salted caramel milk shake. Yes, folks, this is what binge eating looks like on paper. The reality, in the moment, was savoring every bite and throwing out a good portion of the latter because I really DON'T like being stuffed no matter how good it is. (I think this is progress??!!). 

Bottom line... I want the ongoing weight loss without the work of planning and will powering through 6 fucking meals a day. I'm much happier eating nothing then binge eating later... the binge can be smaller and less fattening... without sugar is actually fine... I think I will bust out the book called Diets Don't Work and read that again. 

Bottom, Bottom line... my true pissed off-ness is created by my lack of internal integrity or alignment... I notice myself promising myself things "OK... now, the rest of the day I won't eat anything... " "Oh, one more... that's IT!" I'm lying to myself fucking constantly. I need to shut the fuck up, sit with this whole thing, write and figure out what I am willing to truly agree to and follow through with from here. For today, Thanksgiving... I will not overeat. That is all I'm saying for now. Live with it. Tomorrow IS a new day and I promise to sit down and review my situation again at that time. 

I am determined to be bemused regarding this entire wellness - diet - weight loss and eating conversation! Dammit! Only in the way of the LAST definition!

bemused [bih-myoozd] adjective
1. bewildered or confused: a bemused expression on his face.
2. lost in thought; preoccupied.
3. mildly amused, especially in a detached way.

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