I'm officially giving up apologizing for not writing more often. I'm letting that go along with quite a few other behaviors and thought processes that just really don't make any sense! I don't even really want to bother wasting my time thinking about where the expectations came from or why I feel shitty when I don't adhere to them...But I will anyway, it's not a waste, if I say so!
There it is, a fucking perfect example, right there!  
I made a rash, cheeky statement about "wasting my time thinking..." then was about to feel bad for thinking about it anyway. The problem behavior is twofold: one, the initial rash-cheekiness, then the second botheration is truly believing that just because I thought or said or wrote it that I HAVE to COMPLY! There's a quick leap there where there should be a designful choice. (Two great new words today thanks to the dictionary.com thesaurus... botheration = problem and designful=intentional. Both real words, cool!)

Good to notice because I persistently assail myself with aspersions (beat myself up). The incessant internal dialogue is annoyingly slanted toward slander rather than praise. What is UP WITH THAT?? In Conversations with God there is a discussion about "wrong" thought processes and how to remove them. You have to reverse the pattern that created and reinforced them. Designfully choosing actions that move the word then the thought thus reversing the thought, word, deed. Of course you still have the thought about the action first, but the doing of it is resisted or uncomfortable. Doing it anyway, over and over, apparently is the way to re-wire... It's rather bothersome how familiar that sounds! I may have heard that before somewhere? OMG totally tongue in cheek! SHIT!

Awareness of the process itself is the key to a lock. I just got it, just now when I decided to "waste my time thinking about it." Thus my addiction to writing. I learn more from talking to myself than listening to others. Less distractions when listening internally I guess since the only voice I'm tuned into is my own... that's hard enough!! 

I'm officially setting myself free of ALL expectations about anything and everything!!  I will designfully consider each and every expectation before continuing. That's a huge choice, right there. So practicing what I preach, I'll add the following disclaimers: I won't beat myself up if I forget! I will put off making a decision about an expectation if I want to, no pressure to re-expect! The goal is NO EXPECTING just BEING. It would be nice to make a note of the expectations as they surface for later examination, but no pressure there either... if it's convenient, fine. Just to be clear, an expectation is:  
1. the act or state of expecting or the state of being expected
2. something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for: we have ​great expectations for his future, their worst expectations
3. an attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation: to regard something with expectation

I'm not wild about those definitions. I hate it when a form of the word is used in the definition. That's lazy! My own definition is anticipating and defining a specific outcome or behavior and holding myself accountable for it, like a rule or law... or regulation. Maybe I have the wrong word... perhaps I should be assessing my internal regulations, codes and rules and how they are created. Wow, more clarity!  Yee Ha!  Do I totally take myself too seriously or what!!

I'm here to record what I've learned in the last three days. I'm on day four of a ten day cleanse. The program encourages sharing things that "come up" and journaling, emotional cleansing so to speak.  So... here we go.

1. PATIENCE - I know that I already mentioned this, but it's worth bringing up again because it continues to present. My attention span is about 10 seconds. My focus shifts based on any audio or visual cue and is dizzying to keep up with, at least with a detox brain. Example:

Mission, to make my breakfast smoothie... The Hyman recipes SUCK for breakfast (gritty, sludgy and tasteless - YUCK)... let's see what do I have? Apple, chia seeds, hemp seeds (they can soak, done), kale, ginger, dried cranberries and almond milk. Sounds like a good balance of an "approved recipe," my available resources and may actually be tasty. So far so good. Need Kale, it's in the garage in an old cottage cheese container, in water like a bouquet of flowers. I pause to admire my genius, as this particular batch of kale had nearly perished in the fridge after 5+ days and I brought it back to life. That reminds me there's a bunch I bought at 4 Seasons that's wasting away in the fridge right now. New mission save the kale. Can the failing kale share a space with the current kale? Nope. New container requires a set of tongs to retrieve from the top shelf, cut off the ends... OH guinea pig... Snickers hears all the plastic bag rattling and responds with her cool little wheeking sounds (that's an official term from a guinea pig website!). I can grab her, she can participate in the smoothie making process! Now it's a bit of a smoothie circus... oh let's make room for more stuff on the shelf... oh let's protect the African violet from the furry forager, oops pick her up before you start the Ninja or she'll freak.  OK finally quite a while later a smoothie is complete and consumed. 

I'm used to being wicked efficient and generally in a hurry. I have nowhere to go, no place to be or people to see until after Valentine's Day. I FEEL GUILTY that I'm such an AIRHEAD. It's somehow easier to cleanse and detox when I'm far away at a dedicated "health ranch" (spending loads of $$) than here at home. BREATHE, be PATIENT with yourself, it is OK! You spent 38 years addicted to nicotine, you stopped 6 months ago. It's OK to spend a month dedicated to your own health and exploring what it feels like to be free of all drugs! Well almost all... that's a perfect lead-in to the next thing I've learned.

2. I REALLY LOVE COFFEE. It's not just a fleeting infatuation or transient substitute for booze and smoking. I really do genuinely love it. My taste buds are significantly improved which probably helps. It seems I'm right in vogue, "Coffee Is The New Wine" - check it out. I also know that I'm fooling myself or coddling myself. The headaches were WICKED the first two days so I did go back to one YUMMY caffeine packed Chemex creation each morning. Today is Nicaraguan Maracaturra, my Starbucks Reserve shipment for this month.

Since I've given up butter, milk, cheese, 1/2 and 1/2 (I could have said "dairy" but I needed to create the visuals for each of those items!), sugar (as in cookies, cakes, candy, chocolate, almond bark, ice cream sandwiches, KIND bars, most fruit), ALL grains which covers wheat, oats, corn, rye, rice, barley, quinoa, amaranth, millet, buckwheat and anything made of flour (which is a ground grain... Fuck, right!? or Right? Fuck! Notice the difference?). So you can get that?  no bagels, donuts, croissants, cereal, pasta, bread, muffins, waffles, biscuits, (did I say raisin bread? sourdough bread? raisin & fennel bread? baguettes?). Finally no legumes (chickpeas, beans, peas, lentils & lupines) which surprised me but apparently they are complicated little critters, legumes, who knew.

Poor pitiful, woeful me! The tiniest violin... I know, I know... anyway, I'm not giving up coffee for now. Enough said!

3. OK JUICY, DEEP & EMOTIONAL stuff? Yes, but a bit tougher to verbalize at this time. It's blossoming. I'm exploring my utter ongoing hostility towards bath time. This, especially because I've experienced how amazingly better I feel after I've finally capitulated. The side effects of a cleanse include: headaches, constipation, frequent urination, persistent flatulence (no kidding), lethargy, muscle and joint aches, spaciness, mood swings, stuffy, foggy, etc. (I reviewed these with Chris and the puzzled look on his face was priceless, like "Why the FUCK are you doing this to yourself, on purpose?!") I guess it's because I need to maintain my spot as the family self-care mentor, HA! =). Anyway, I'm currently deep in thought about why I would suffer oppressive joint and muscle distress rather than take a fucking bath. More on the emotional thumping later or tomorrow this is already a bit lengthy. Inspirational photos please... 

I don't think my immediate family has a very good rating on the growing up index. I suppose I should just speak for myself. I just noticed, while reflecting on my own maturity level lately, the examples I have available, like parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. And regarding the state of my siblings; none of us have taken the stereotypical path: college, career, marriage, kids, buy a house... (except for Kevin, go Kev! He had different parents growing up, though, it IS an environmental/nurture thing). I asked my Mother who she considers a family mentor regarding excellent self care (a sure sign of maturity in my book) and she responded "You!" OK, that's just outrageously horrifying, extraordinarily creepy and chilling, shit! 

I find it so curious that every time I begin a topic it immediately gets complicated. It occurs to me that growing up, like everything else, is subjective and open to interpretation.  Oh God... so all I have to go on is my own impression.  A few qualities of a mature adult may include: awareness & thoughtful participation in government, approaching all situations with some level of distance & wisdom, a transparent handle on personal/self care like eating and exercise... just a few to start.  Now that I type it out it sound a bit unrealistic.  No surprise there I guess.

I've been cooped up for the last three days detoxing.  No complaints, it sucks, but there is progress and the process promises clearer thinking, in addition to other significant health/physical benefits.  The book I chose to pursue ultimately... the Blood Sugar something, something 10 Day Detox something*... talks a lot about food addiction. Sugar is WAY more addictive than heroin or cocaine apparently. (I'm not going to fact check that one, I want to just hang with it for awhile or a while ;-). I'm not a "bad person" for being addicted, it's a biological affair. I will be FREE shortly and I do feel a difference after just a couple of days. At any rate, more to come on the "growing up" proposition and my deranged detoxing mind... 

Post Script
*The Blood Sugar Solution 10 Day Detox Diet by Dr. Mark Hyman.

It's cliche, all the sayings I found online. It feels a bit false to intentionally set out to write about patience for some reason. It's one of those saintly virtues that you can never have enough of. No matter how old I get there seem to be ongoing lessons and opportunities regarding patience. I'll start with the dictionary definition, that usually assists in providing clarity and being sure I'm on the same page with myself.  

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like.
2. the ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
3. quiet, steady perseverance, even-tempered care, diligence

The patience I'm investigating is related to the 3rd definition above. There's a saying in AA "Give time time."  I guess that's what it comes down to. My challenge is the awareness to apply the concept of patience in ALL areas of my life, minute by minute. When it comes to friends, acquaintances, my significant other and especially myself. I'd like to blame it on the culture or habits imposed by environmental factors but, frankly, it's a choice in each moment.  

Lately I've noticed a lack of patience regarding creation of new, healthier personal habits around exercise and eating. I hate to bore you, I realize this is repetitious.  I'm boring myself actually but apparently I have to get to a pain point which includes being sick of dealing with it before I actually create meaningful, lasting change.  I've been trying to reduce my distractions and allow for a single focus on these two topics.  That has't been all that successful, holidays and all!  So, now, my efforts are redoubled and I WILL read, think, learn, explore and experiment with these topics a REALLY, REALLY LOT.  I can't honestly say exclusively but my plan is to READ all the books I've gotten.  Commit to spend the time necessary to actually research and understand a specific diet or exercise program.  My days of whimsy are done... my multi tasking half-assedness needs to take a vacation for the next... month, say?  OK, one month.  Tomorrow is the 15th so starting tomorrow my spare time choice of things to do and focus on will ALL be related to food and/or exercise. I realize I have no control over much of anything, but I can be patience and persevere in this for 30 days.  Off the hook officially February 15th, right after Valentine's day.  This time includes deciding for sure if I'm doing the Camino de Santiago in the Spring!  Onward & Upward!!

Are you kidding me? It's totally NOT possible that it's already the 8th of January 2016. What the Fuck!? They say that time flies. (Loads of fun images for that, Groucho was my favorite!) I've been so busy doing mostly nothing I haven't made time to write. I'm reading, well listening to, a great book...Radical Honesty, Brad Blanton. Season 7 of CSI just came up on USA on Demand. I've been through some radical brain draining situations regarding group politics, elections, power, ego and competitiveness. Hamsters running on extreme wheels in my upper story, completely 1000% self-imposed. I figured out that I have low self-esteem and I'm very defensive with a silly-thin skin. OK! Good to Know!  Now I can work with that.  

I've considered and reconsidered wimping out and not posting this blog and site on Facebook... I have to read my own poetry again to get up the fearless courage to just do it!!  At the moment I have a strategy session with my web consultant geek guide on the best way to do it...OK that's a lie... I've thought about it but haven't scheduled it. There's that radical honesty kicking in.

My weight is now officially OVER THE FUCKING TOP of intolerable and I'm in the process of a 12 week program recommended by a friend called Body for Life by Bill Phillips. Not sure I really want or need to be so buffed out as the people in the after shots but WTF. It's only 12 weeks, maybe I'll like it. At least I won't be sitting around feeling fat and incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. Patience will be the title of the post tomorrow.

That's just a little catch up for now. I'm sitting at Fortunate Cup, updating my to do list and organizing my own shit. I actually brought this page up just to write out a quote I have on a little bit of paper that I know will be lost if I don't get it down somewhere.

Source: Unknown old guy who liked my smile and shared this: "My Grandmother had the wisdom of Solomon. She used to say... when you smile you use six muscles. When you frown you use over twenty... BE LAZY, SMILE!"

I made the mistake of looking up whether or not the facial muscle ratio is accurate... apparently not, (Check it out) YIKES! Sometimes too much information just ruins the fun!