Finally the time has come. I can't ignore synchronicity this time. I'm starting the process today to change my name from Cornell to McCauley. I've been divorced for decades and basically lazy. McCauley is my Mother's maiden name and with two daughters no one is carrying on the name. I am in the process of finally publishing all my work and the time seems perfect. I'll have to research the copyrights I've done under Cornell but I'm sure I can figure it out. In the process of getting ready for Chuck, a friend of mine who specializes in audio production, to come over and record my voice reading my poems... I came across this poem: 
​
​Hazel McCauley 
“…she was too young to leave; from the life she was too beautiful to leave… they shut her away, and I knew I should never see her face again, never, never, it could not be shown to me again…” E. St Vincent Millay’s Mother Cora.
 
How sweet and strongly bitter
The moment Floods to memory
My grandmother
My link to love
Gone
My sweet flower Of light
Love and virtue
Gone.
 
So doing
Everything “right”
So spirited
And wise
So touched
So deeply

Why?
My grandmother,
Gone
This many years
Missing you Still?
So much so
That tears Flow
So much so Memories
Go to you Often
 
A film...
A verse...
A smell...
A song...
Sends me.
Grandma, My dearest
Why do you
Haunt me So?

"I miss you Too.
I love you Too.
Adieu.
 
“Cry for me my Love
Tears I cannot Cry
For life’s wasted Time
My love,
For all I dared Not do.
Will you do For ‘us’?
Thus also the
Name ‘McCauley’
Calls to you
For ‘us’
There’s work
To finish
If you will…”
 
12-12-02
Flight from Atlanta to Denver/LA

Gratitude is a favorite topic in the rooms. AA is the only organization I've ever been a part of that actually, frequently focuses on gratitude as a way of living moment by moment, not just occasional conversations.  

Lately I've been literally giddy with gratitude. I've been considering starting a new saying... "Get Your Giddy On!"
I've been trying to write this entry for days... because of the Thanksgiving Holiday I figured I needed to write something about gratitude. I am grateful, all the time. I AM giddy with gratitude much of the time but beyond that the writing stopped. So here I am writing about not writing because that's what's up right now. I'm realizing forcing myself to write about a specific topic is not fun. I'm doing this for fun, not out of an obligation to anyone or anything. So... enough about gratitude for now.

I hope you all have it. If you don't, find it! Once you've got it, even a little... bathe in it for awhile then shine it on.

This morning is chilly. "Don't let the sunshine fool you," the weatherman said, "it's cold out there." This is my first cold morning driving and NOT SMOKING! I actually went back into the house after starting the Jeep and grabbed a pair of gloves. Driving down the road with the heater on full blast, I remembered that gloves are never as warm or cozy as mittens. I began to bemoan the fact that I couldn't wear mittens, they aren't practical for... wait for it... for SMOKING!  
Smokers or X-Smokers know exactly what I'm talking about. I suppose non-smokers can imagine how hard it might be to light and/or hold a cigarette while wearing mittens. (Take a moment, picture it, no rush here!) So for my entire life, adult life anyway, I have not been able to wear mittens. I've romanced the mitten. I have a pair that I thought I would use for special very cold situations like building a snowman, actually using my cross country skis, a vehicular emergency or trekking to work down the wind-tunnel Manhattan winter sidewalks.  Of course the need for an easily accessible puff trumped the mittens every time. Even last winter in the -20 or -30 degree mornings when cleaning ice and snow off the Jeep... I had to have a puff so I had to wear gloves. I guess poor circulation, due to smoking of course, probably didn't help. My fingers were ALWAYS freezing.  

It will be interesting to see if that improves this season my circulation, that is. It's bound to get better just because my fabulous fingers will have the benefit of their mutual warmth in the oh so cozy mitten interior. I tried the little flip-able mitten design, a glove with half fingers and a little flip mitten top with mini magnet. That worked, kinda, but the draft from the 75% "loose" flip top rendered it just as cool as regular gloves. They were hard to get off, too, tugging finger by finger.

Must love the unexpected and fabulous benefits of being a non-smoker! Who Hoo! Probably because my mind was on the ups and mostly downs of winter time smoking, I noticed at least 7 driving smokers this morning. KILL the nasty nic monster! Mittens for everyone!

I received notice this morning that the father of a friend passed away. As I turned my head this poem came up on an auto screen saver on another laptop in the kitchen. Message from Jerry? I'm going to say Why Not!? I just sent it to Barb. I need to remember not to be afraid to share things like this. Thanks Creator!

It re-minded me also of my Grandmother, Hazel McCauley; my Grandfather, Walter R. McCauley, my father, Howard Hogue; my Great Aunt, Mimi Aebischer, my Great Grandmother Aebischer (I don't know her first name!), Uncle Bob Hogue, Aunt Sally (Grandpa's sister) and all my ancestors who have helped me on this and other plains (or planes if you insist).

Same day totally different much more esoteric topic. Life and what I want to do when I grow up? or Why the fuck am I here? or What the hell do I want out of this life? Variations of that question are pretty much running through my mind constantly. I had a nice little start on the details of this topic but Charlie Hoffman showed up and I closed my computer and there it went... so...

Here's the idea... I believe that it's possible that our planet is a spiritual being and I don't mean like "Earth Mother" I mean a specific being with a personality and communication / interaction with other planetary beings as peers. That there are families and dramas and choices and on and on... get it? I also believe that rocks and trees are each their own spiritual beings and participate in their own communities at their own pace. Of course everything four legged, swimmer, winged-one or creepy crawly also have this going on as well. We humans are such fucking ignorant egomaniacs to think we're the only beings on the planet with spirits on a journey. Some things you just know and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. This is one of those things. Trying to prove anything to anyone is definitely NOT part of my mission in this life. Let someone prove it's NOT true!  =) I had "relativity" figured out when I was 15 years old... I didn't need Einstein or anyone else to tell me about it or prove it to me.  See my poem on True Peace on the P, P & P page..

That being the case... what does that speak to me about why I AM here? How does this knowing inform my current creation journey? If I could choose to be a planet or a tree, an owl, dolphin, angel or a princess what am I looking to get out of this experience of this life right now in this body in this time? I am the reluctant messiah in Richard Bach's, Illusions. I do feel that way often. Like the character in the book, I'm just being and living, no drama, no martyrdom!  I'm the example to learn by IF people are interested. If not, that is totally fine! It definitely helps to know what you're not interested in!

I think that's about where I left off when Charlie walked up earlier... I've now "recaptured" the text I had at that moment. Maybe my Sci Fi wasn't meant to be published... oh well, is now.  I'm off to have fun elsewhere on this rainy fall day.

Apparently a saying with maritime roots...you would be under the weather bow, the sharp end of the ship that takes the brunt of all the crappy weather (from "Salty Dog Talk: The Nautical Origins of Everyday Expressions" by Bill Beavis and Richard G. McCloskey (Sheridan House, Dobbs Ferry, N.Y., 1995)). I guess sick or unwell sailors also went below deck to get away from the weather. I'm also sure that all the rocking and rolling of a ship during bad weather would contribute to sea sickness. I love words, phrases - their meanings and origins.  Fun Stuff... the meanings keep coming =) I love the image too, couldn't find the author, it nicely illustrates how pissed off I feel when I'm under the weather as well!

So I have been a bit under the weather. Probably explains how I managed to screw up my laptop while setting up and testing the Epson scanner for photos, and I'd hoped, journal pages. Apparently I was completely misinformed or rather delusional. Apparently there is no way to scan a handwritten document and convert it into a Word Document via a character recognition software program. I guess OCR software is reserved for converting scanned images of things already typed. So basically digitizing things that are typed or printed. Got it... now... hours later after corrupting my MS Word program through Adobe Acrobat export from PDF to Word doc... attempts. Any which way if I hadn't been "under the weather" perhaps the apparently obvious would have dawned on me sooner. And, no, it should not be possible to create a file with an Adobe product that will consequently corrupt a standard Microsoft product. I can prove it, however, if you're interested. I think this is why people like Apple better? Not sure... 

Today is day two of being ill.  I'm much better than yesterday.  I am so not used to being sick.  I could count on one hand the times I'd been sick in the last decade.  Really!  Now that I'm smober and sober I guess I'm more susceptible.  Laugh if you like, but it's true.  I had the worse ever cold last January - February.  So bad I had to go to the doctor and get antibiotics... that NEVER happens.  I'd almost rather die than go see a doctor.  I have no patience for Western medicine.  The condescending attitude gets me immediately.  The fact that it's OK to waste my time in an office, being late for appointments (EVERY TIME...) My time is worth money too!  The fact that I don't need or deserve to hear the whole truth.  That I'm too much of an idiot to understand complex biological or technical terminology.  That you, the doctor, if you're lucky or the nurse practitioner, after making you wait and being late don't seem to have the time to take a few moments to get to know you.  They don't seem to realize that I live with my body day and night and for 50 plus years... I think I know it better.  Whew... some anger issues there chickie?  

I am a cancer survivor.  I would not be alive today if I hadn't taken responsibility for my own health.  True story.  I noticed that a mole on my mid lower back was bigger than I remembered.  I went in to have it checked out.  The doctor looked at it, quickly and said it was fine.  I requested that he take a sample and have it checked out.  I didn't hear back for about a month so I called them to ask what the lab results showed.  The person on the other end of the phone sounded like they were about to have heart failure once they pulled up my records.  "We've been trying to get a hold of you, we have a bad phone number (I was in the Fucking phone book this was 199?).  You need to see a surgeon IMMEDIATELY!  You have melanoma."  I didn't even know what melanoma was.  My mother did.  A friend of hers had died of it just a month before.  Mom freaked out!  I scheduled the surger(ies). I'm fine, but REALLY!!?? I would not be alive today if I hadn't been stabbed by a stray wire in our fence when gardening and checked out the wound in the mirror... then stuck up for myself with doctors all along the way.  Take care of yourself so you don't have to go near doctors or clinics or hospitals!     I am sure that there are personable, responsible, respectful doctors on the planet.  If you are one, THANK YOU!  

Honestly, I believe that you create your experience so I only meet nice, fabulous, awesome doctors at this point!  However, I am a bit demanding as patient unless you respect my wishes and take a few minutes to understand my point of view.  I do take the time to explain to a doctor if they're listening.  If not, I walk and look for another one.

So there you have it.  Be well!  Really for sure!!  And be Grateful!  Back to the virus at hand.  I don't believe in anti bacterial hand soap or the like.  I guess I need to build up my immunity now that I don't have alcohol or smoke to kill off the viruses for me.  =)  I also don't take any over the counter drugs except aspirin.  Contact makes my nose run and NyQuil keeps me up at night.  Go figure... so 

So I decided yesterday, the only sequential odd date in my lifetime that I would give up guilt... as in, I will no longer feel guilty. Of course this is a practice at first. I will need to notice then let it go for a while. Similar to my recent realization that I was rushing all the time for no reason. In addition to false urgency, I've given up wasted worry. Awareness is the cornerstone.  


guilt [gilt] noun
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially
 against moral or penal law; culpability:He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong,etc., whether real
 or imagined.
3.conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.:to live a life of guilt.

I could write a book on guilt. I was raised with as a good Catholic girl. Considering the ideas and precepts now, looking back, I am completely amazed that people believe that stuff.  Why?? Why would you want to believe in original sin or hell if not to control people? Why speak of freedom of choice, free will, in one breath then the next second talk about rules, if not followed, will create an eternal afterlife of extreme suffering? Yikes! Really?

No amount of talking, arguing or preaching will ever convince me that an all-powerful spirit, higher power, needs to punish people or take revenge... those are twisted human constraints and shortcomings. I also believe that a true God would not provide only one way to be successful on this journey i.e. only one religion... anyway, I digress. I guess that is what this forum is for. I guess that little rant lets you know my opinions of guilt and regret for that matter.  

If every experience is created and presented to allow for the opportunity to remember and define ourselves, then regret or guilt, worry or fear are really empty wastes of emotion and thought energy. I guess you might have something to remember regarding these things, no judgement here. I am always speaking for myself only. I don't find value in guilt, regret, worry or fear at all, of any kind. Even what people call "good fear" is really not fear. My instinct or intuition warns me without emotion of possible hazardous situations and I simply turn away or avoid them without judgement or really much ado.  I've actually come to recognize true intuition as having no emotional charge. If there is emotional energy, then it is most likely just my imagination gone wild, not true internal guidance.

So I am on the journey to explore possibility as my Fearless poem states... what will it feel like?  I'm remembering! 

Rabbi Ben Hei Hei says, "According to the pain is the gain." — Pirkei Avot 5:21

Ben Franklin, "Industry need not wish, as Poor Richard says, and he that lives upon hope will die fasting. There are no gains, without pains..." The Way to Wealth (1758)
​
According to Gretchen Rubin's book Better Than Before, I'm a "Questioner."  You can take your own quiz online.  Basically I move to the beat of my own drum and question everything.  I guess early in life I recognized that most adults had no clue... aside from my Grandparents.  So... No Pain No Gain has been on my radar for years.  I've had a variety of experiences which suggest the truth of this statement and I'm searching for some evidence in the opposite direction. 

Unfortunately my recent experience with Cross Fit served to reinforce the validity of this expression.  While sitting in a meeting this morning where struggle was one of the topics and different people had different experiences with the element of struggling to be sober... I personally did all my struggling before I came into the rooms, thank HP! My own lack of struggle in this regard got me to thinking why that might be and if that may be applied to the no pain no gain... I decided that perhaps the pain element is necessary only as function of the time element.  In other words... with exercising in particular if you stretch out your initiation to weight and frequency over weeks or months... you won't feel the pain you do when you go at it like I did my first class.  This seems logical and natural... the consistency is, perhaps, a challenge but that's a challenge regardless.  I can build up time like I build up weight and it won't be such a difficult "struggle" or "pain"...

Lately as I wing my ways across town and through my day I've noticed myself reminding me to take it easy... slow down.  There's no rush... ever, basically! I've surprised myself as to how often I create urgency when there is NONE. I was even late to a couple of appointments and it worked out perfectly... for me and the client, a God send as one person commented.   I watched an episode of Nature or NOVA recently that documented the fact that plants and trees communicate just very slowly... I guess when you're rooted in one single space, literally, there are huge levels of urgency that just don't apply.  This would make a great thing to think about more later! The more we move the more urgency?!

Anyway...   if the rushing feeling is not necessary, really, that's a level of fear... missing something, not looking good... come to mind immediately.  I still believe in being punctual, I think it's respectful... it''s just brought to my attention the element of time and expectations in my behaviors... feelings... etc.  I actually used to "bend time" frequently when I lived in LA so I've played with this element before just differently.

Applied to my original "No Pain, No Gain" I know that it is no longer true if applied to consistent incremental exercise stretched out over enough time.  I will prove this, by the way, starting today.  I will journal exercises and numbers and slowly ramp up over time.  My goal to go back to Cross Fit and NOT be so sore I can't move in the days after.  

​In what other circumstances is this phase used?  90 % of the quotes and images online refer to exercise.  I've apparently hit a big cultural belief.  Even my mentor Ben Franklin believed it true.  I didn't find it hard to quit smoking or stop drinking. Two HUGE gains with no pain.  I KNOW it doesn't have to be, at least for me.  So there was pain involved in hitting my personal bottom in those two areas emotional and physical pain, but once the decision was made there was no longer any pain, only freedom.  Splitting hairs, perhaps?  Bottom line pain and struggle are emotional states of mind, unless they are physical they can be avoided by internal perspective and thought management.  If they are physical, then you can use your head to plan for them, perhaps, thus my experiment with exercise.

This is one of my all-time favorite images. Taken from the window of my studio apartment on the north end of the Venice Beach boardwalk. I guess a jumping dolphin would have been a nice touch... Loved that place and the energy and the people! Wow... Wave... Oceans and Venice came to mind. Just a little thought train experience.  

Enough memory lane for the moment. The wave I'm thinking about in the present moment is an interesting and almost guilt inducing continued giddy - jubilant - elated - joyousness - blissful feeling. I say almost guilt inducing because my hither to habitual response to MANY things was guilt... like I don't deserve to just feel fucking good... most of the time. The guilt creeps up on me like thoughts of alcohol or tobacco used to and I just turn the faucet off when I become aware of them. NICE!!  

Mark this day 11-13-15 - three consecutive odd numbers make up the date only six times in a century. 11/13/15 marks the end of this parade of Odd Days which began with 1/3/5. The previous stretch of dates like this started with 1/3/1905. I love odd dates and numerology... thus my sober date 04-14-14. So I think I'll quit guilt today. I've been practicing already for a month or so.  Done!  No relapsing now!  =) Maybe I'll give up fear on the next special date... June 16, 2016... just thinkin'.

giddy  [gid-ee] adjective, giddier, giddiest.
1. affected with vertigo; dizzy.
2. attended with or causing dizziness: a giddy climb.
3. frivolous and lighthearted; impulsive; flighty: a giddy young person.
verb (used with object), verb (used without object), giddied, giddying.
4. to make or become giddy.

I love to look up the meaning of words.  Frequently it's an interesting lesson and doesn't really mean what I intended.  I've been saying that I feel giddy lately... meaning more "elated" as it was used in the 1540's... interesting.  Jubilant is a great word as well... overjoyed or ecstatic.  I guess giddy seems more childlike in an innocent sweet way rather than "frivolous."

I think the giddy feelings started when I was visiting Colorado... I was in a serious mid life crisis funk when I first arrived then after listening to some conversations with god and letting go of my funkiness I fell into a bit of giddiness... Like knowing a secret that no one else is aware of... that is right in front of them constantly.  It's funny not tragic because life itself is just basically here for us to play around and discover ourselves.  That everyone, nearly, takes everything so damn serious I find excessively amusing.  

Sunday at Starbucks - Yes, Starbucks I support the local coffee places too but I like the coffee and the light better here. The photo self-portrait is from a car show in Ballston Spa a couple of years ago...I was alone with a group.

I am re-thinking my CrossFit participation. I have not been able to sit down or get up or go up or down stairs without some pretty severe pain since Friday morning. I expect soreness but this is a bit beyond. I'm seriously thinking that I'll get in shape with my videos then join. Seriously considering this.... Hey, if that gives me the motivation to do the at home program consistently then AWESOME! Right?! Whatever works! I think right now  I could skip to the third level of my video program and go with that on my own for a while. That's my thinking on that for the moment anyway.  

I chaired the Weekend Brunch Bunch 10 am meeting this morning. It was my first time chairing this particular meeting. I always enjoy it, this morning was no exception. They got a taste of my story, an abbreviated version of course, and the topics were Isolation, Gratitude and Let Go Let God. Interesting distinctions about being alone vs. isolating and being afraid of being alone. I'm playing with all the stereotypes about being friends and what that means.  How often do girl friends talk?  Should I be offended if I get stood up over and over due to kid issues? What is it appropriate to talk about or not? I have no idea... I have long term wonderful friends. I just saw them in Colorado on my visit, but they're far away. I have no idea how to act with a local friend. I have to apply my only go to strategy which is to just be in the moment and pay attention. Kathy also pointed out after the meeting that it helps to call people.  

I have the whole day to fool around... the whole week actually. My focus is on eating and fitness with this sideline of blogging and this site development. I'm also still not sleeping well and a nap may be in my future. My goal is, overall, alinement (NID) I've looked it up and this is an alternate and, I think, much more logical way to spell this word... what's with a silent "g" anyhow?  Alinement in terms of internal, within myself, so that there is no conflict or rebellion. So this quote is from As Bill Sees It... I came across it "accidentally" the other day... 
"Freedom to Choose: Looking back, we see that our freedom to choose badly was not, after all, a very REAL freedom. When we chose because we "must" this was not a free choice either. But it got us started in the right direction. When we chose because we "ought to or should" we were really doing better. This time we were earning some freedom, making ourselves ready for more. But when, now and then, we could GLADLY make right choices without rebellion, hold-out, or CONFLICT, then we had our first view of what perfect freedom under God's will could be like."  

**That is alinement to me... gladly making each choice without internal conflict or rebellion.  That would define what the "right" choice is, actually, which is a flip flop... don't choose the "right" thing then twist or try to eliminate conflict or rebellion... look for the choice that creates no rebellion or conflict.** Wow, that's actually a break through. Use creativity, awareness and flexibility to keep searching for the choices that work for me. Note to self... ** and bold indicate breakthrough moments.

So how does that translate to the current health, eating and fitness conversation? Motivation is a huge component of this challenge. As I said before if the "threat" of Cross Fit inspires me to do my video daily, awesome. I can use what I've learned so far and what I've setup in my porch space... dedicated space, music, no excuses. I can define a fitness and weight level that I feel would work for trying Cross Fit again. Let's give that a shot... it's a bit random but three weeks doing the third video daily and getting down to 160 pounds maybe 155... that extra 20-25 pounds to squat and lift with is not healthy (nice justification - it's also true... the last thing I need or want is to hurt myself).

OK, when... 9-10? The same time that I would have to set aside for Cross Fit... that way I'm used to having that time in the schedule and showering daily and so forth. The threat... if I miss two days in a row or maybe two days in a week, I HAVE TO GO BACK to Cross Fit. Wow, huge threat!  I've got to make this pain pay off.  

No book writing or any other pursuit until the workout is done. That's it... single focus until that is done. I have so much food that I need to just eat it only when I'm hungry. No more food shopping. Next on my focus list is just reading all the books I have and keeping notes here or in a new notebook regarding my own writing style. Maybe a brainstorming meeting with Kevin, although that could wait.  

So will it be possible to create a new healthy habit without conflict or rebellion? I think it will be there at some level but I need to keep checking in to be sure that it's working. I know that I need to do it, I want to do it, so I will do it... I might as well make it as easy as possible.... I really DO NOT BELIEVE in "NO PAIN - NO GAIN"... more on that later for sure!

I have trouble sitting on the pot, going up and down stairs and getting off the couch... this would be the humpy (NID) part of the "get over the hump" section of returning to fitness. Someone yesterday said congratulations for getting over the worst part (the first day at Cross Fit)... someone else said comeback the worst part is day two. I'm not going to work out today... I'm working but I can imagine that it would be very hard to do more squats right now. (NID - Not In Dictionary notation means just that and I'm using it anyway and making up a word.  There are plenty of cool words that I don't know about that would probably work but that's fodder for another day.)

I dig my "F Word" mantra... I came upon this by "accident" Funny how now that I'm actually finally writing... every word is packed full of more to write about! i.e. no accidents. Since I'm making this all up as I go, I'm going to use italics for all the side comments that come to me that I feel are worth sharing as I go along...the birth of the answer to "Why the heck is she using italics? or What does it mean when she uses italics?  Or what do the italics mean?" questions that will surely come later.

Anyway... I started playing around with words that start with the letter F as a mantra... I wanted to stop my thoughts from obsessing on weight, eating, watching thin people, watching fat people, need to loose, you REALLY need to do something fatso, yadda yadda.... so I started to repeat "Fit, Firm, Flexible, & Foxy" It didn't take long for my mind to continue finding fabulous fun F words... Fantastic, Feisty, Fierce, Fearless, Faithful, Focused, Funny, Fashionable, Famous, Free, Fulfilled, just to name a few.  You get the picture... your mind right now is thinking of more super F words... huh!?  What a great letter for words that rock as positive thought fodder.  I've read a lot of stuff... all taken with heavy doses of salt I don't need to name names but if thoughts do create your reality then F words are awesome.  I'm sure other letters have their great words as well but just off the top F words rock.  More keep coming, by the way... they just pop in my head at the weirdest times oh... by the way... you're also FLOWING... OMG, yes I am!  Thanks Universe!  

I have to mention one of my favorites and most flexible F words... drum roll... FUCK! There was some email blast that went around years ago that identified, from a grammar perspective, how fuck is the most flexible word in the English language.  Dig that!  Maybe George had a riff on that I could find on You Tube, George Karlin, that is!  

Go ahead and steal my F word mantra idea... there's plenty of words to go around we are so Fortunate that way!  I do think it's OK to tag another word on with an F word... like Filthy Rich... that works for me too!

I had to start somewhere... sometime.  I guess now is as good a time as any.  I started Cross Fit today.  First class was a bit brutal.  My legs give out on me a bit going down stairs.  After constant squats (among other things) for an hour I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I have my eyes on the prize, however.  Fitness is not something that runs rampant in my family.  This was recently confirmed when I traveled back to colorful Colorado, my place of origin, for a wedding.  They say that people in CO are fitter than most, on average... exercise was never an everyday thing growing up... working yes, working out NOT.   Anyway... that only confirmed what I already knew that I had to start the trend on my own, for myself.  

I quit smoking July 25, 2015 so I've put on the expected weight they tell you about.  Not because I substituted food for cigs... I was just hungry and chose to eat more than usual. Besides it's completely OK to be overweight when you have the valid excuse that you quit smoking so what the Fuck... (I can and will say that when I feel like it... post disclaimer. Swearing is one of the more fun privileges of adulthood.  More on that another day.) Anyway I'm fatter than I've ever been and exceedingly physically uncomfortable with it. One of the numerous factors that has lead me on the quest for a new way of living.

I quit drinking April 14, 2014 and DIDN'T lose the weight that was promised. I did make some fabulous headway in being more aware of my surroundings and taking a bit of responsibility.  Thus the decision to stop smoking tobacco after 35+ years.  I also turned 50 this year and I guess I'm growing up finally.  Shit!  Actually it's OK... at least I'm aware that I'm only now growing up and I don't have any kids so I didn't have to pretend I was grown up all this time.  

I'm 5 feet 7 inches and currently a portly (for me anyway) 178 pounds.  I considered doing all the measurements to quantify my magnificent, sure to happen, transformation but I can't find the damn measuring tape... the flexible sewing kind you need for measuring your hips, bust and buttocks.  Suffice it to say I'm carting around an extra 40 pounds at least.  So I've done Slim in Six Weeks (Beach Body program) and Weight Watchers in the past they each seemed to last for about 6 years or so... not bad really.  This time, probably because of this whole growing up thing... I want to actually choose and implement a set of sustainable, intentional behavioral changes, habits... (Better Than Before, great book by Gretchin Rubin more later on that as well).   My goal is to free up my brain space so I won't have to think about this topic again... ever, eating and exercise that is.  I realized when I quit smoking and drinking that I had so much extra processing power and free space in my head that I'd like to do the same thing with the next biggest "thought hog" namely, how I look, feel and eat.  Gooooo Laurie!!!