It's faint but the memory is clear, what it was like after I first stopped smoking. There's an odd tender, frail and delicate space while the body - mind - spirit adjusts to a new way of being. For me the lack of a nasty, nagging, incessant, brutish internal dialog tempting me to smoke again was gone. This has become a hallmark for  me that a real shift has occurred. It's never been so much about will power... "the obsession is lifted" in AA speak. I have no idea the source of the silence - it's magical and very hard earned at the same time.

My persistence is all I can link to the three experiences I've had to date... alcohol on 4/14/14 - cigarettes on 7/25/15 and food on 10/13/17.

Back to the topic. For the last shift, I am, right now, in the midst of the tender times... There's an awakening on a physical level - BIG TIME - sometimes gradual sometimes abrupt, always curious and interesting. I've finally been able to follow through without the negative talk and internal struggle. The two areas that happened at the same time this time were food and meditating.  Perhaps one allowed or supported the other but it doesn't really matter...

Food: the main changes were NO sugar... no starches or grains only veggies and protein.  I'm on day thirteen of a 3 month program. I texted a photo of my journal to my wellness coach Dr. Matt Smith on a nightly basis with questions and feedback. I just finished a three day Master Cleanse style (lemon juice/maple syrup) detox. The program includes SIX fucking meals a day. I absolutely hated it at first. I had to just stay home in the mornings to adjust. If I didn't get the first couple of meals in the whole day was more challenging. Trial and error... or play and adjust... it's been interesting.  I've had to be flexible and let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions.  I've been able to let the experience reveal itself... SLOWLY... (that's another general take away... FUCKING be PATIENT! then be PATIENT SOME MORE... and AGAIN... yes... AND AGAIN.) The physical transformation is ongoing and amazing. I meet with Dr. Matt today to check in on weight, BMI, etc. I don't need him to tell me the changes are very positive.  I want to eat well and exercise... WHAT!!??  YES! Shit... this is what I requested. Yeah!!

The delicate days continue and I relish them... "the pink cloud" in AA speak. All wonder and gratitude, fascination and reverence, surprise and curiosity. It is like being reborn... truly. The old, habitual ways seem to drift away or peel off or come away with a good scrub. All that wasn't working is shifted like a mist lifting to reveal a reflection in a BIG bubble... colorful and brilliant, spinning and new, floating and fragile.

Along the same time... I've been participating in a course by Drew Cali on Awakening Your Intuition. He insists, as the only homework, that we complete 15 minutes of a sitting still daily meditation. Sounds easy, right? Not when you have the internal "villainous voice" (I'm naming it... THE VV) constantly making excuses and fighting you tooth and nail. I recently had a break through on that front as well. I have enough meditations to sort through on an app called Insight Timer... it was overwhelming actually. I didn't know what I wanted or what would resonate. I finally came across Opening Your Chakras by DavidJi that was awesome. That led me to use Drew's actual CD. I started to combine the meditation with breathing techniques I learned from David Elliot when I studied with him in LA.

POOF!! Like magic, seriously, no joke! I can't and I'm not going to try to explain what that was like right now. I don't have the words yet. I can say that afterward I felt grounded - solid and lighter and brighter at the same time. AWESOME and WEIRD!

Trekking onward - awe inspired - light and lovingly!

I've been fasting/detoxing as part of a wellness program and had lots of time on my hands with low motivation to go anywhere or do much... so... ENTER all the books that have been sitting around for years waiting on my attention.
I noticed that I found a few lines in a few different books that struck me and decided to record them here... so I can donate the book and continue my shelf clearing exercise. =) It's a test... let's see if I can remember why I marked the lines I did.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik
Page 263 "But I didn't care. I knew myself for the first time in a week, standing on earth instead of polished marble."  In the margins I wrote *I knew myself* ? Not to learn but to remember. (In the story the heroine had gone from her home in the woods to ask the king & the court for help and basically trying to please them lost herself AND go screwed over by the drama political centered fake people.) It speaks to my current journey to get to know myself and the idea that I'm not learning so much as remembering. My higher self hasn't changed... I'm just finally learning to tune into and listen to that channel instead of everyone else's static.

I like the metaphor... there are lots of radio stations... tune into your own, by necessity you tune out other stations... you learn to eliminate the static, to hear more clearly, you can switch back and listen to other stations, parents, past, culture, religion... all different perspectives and chatter! The practice I'm creating is the ability to tune into my own station as often and clearly as possible.  COOL! Excellent!

same book page 91: "Unfortunately, the willingness to learn magic wasn't the same thing as being any good at it." In the story the girl has a different type of magic that her teachers don't understand and can't really explain or teach to her. She has to find her own way. She wasn't any good at "their magic" but she was a natural, of course, regarding her own. 

Interesting that I chose just now to type up the quotes in the order I did. God Wink... I just got an insight followed up with a supportive sentiment... NICE!  So now do I have to keep this damn book!?  Hee...hee....?? or can I still get rid of it? =)

Velocity by Deen Koontz
Page   : "Stay low, stay quiet, keep it simple, don't expect much, enjoy what you have... Be self sufficient, don't get involved, let the world go to Hell if it wants." This quote struck me as a bit of a self mission statement. John asked me to create a mission statement and this just hit home. Especially with all the political unrest at the moment... and people worked up (thanks to the fucking media!). I do just plan on laying low and keeping to myself. I am NOT interested in trying to stop the world from doing anything. Maybe there's a plan!  =) I'll stick with the bread crumbs from the first bits and continue on my journey to tune into myself. For now...

Yes I will write when I feel moved regardless of all the naysaying question askers in my head!

I'm reading a book. I didn't got to a meeting. (shoot me!) I'm posting again... burying the previous post... (oh well, shoot me again!). Good grief a worry I lot! Crime-inee! 

The phrase that came to me just now, that demanded to be written... 

"As strong as the evil. So is the good."

My thoughts on the meaning... so I was tortured and beaten as a child AND I was blessed by angels in measures that balance out.  That is all for now.

For some reason I was totally taken by surprise when the voice coming from the meditation app suggested that I select an intention for the day... what? something to do? no... I had to look it up. Fascinating... I love words. 
INTENTION
noun
1. an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.
2. the end or object intended; purpose.
3. intentions.

1. purpose or attitude toward the effect of one's actions or conduct
2. purpose or attitude with respect to marriage

4. the act or fact of intending. (I like this one... which leads to the next definition)
5. Logic.

1. Also called first intention, primary intention. reference by signs, concepts, etc., to concrete things, their properties, classes, or the relationships among them.
2. Also called second intention, secondary intention. reference to properties, classes, or the relationships among first intentions.

6. Surgery, Medicine/Medical. a manner or process of healing, as in the healing of a lesion or fracture without granulation (healing by first intention) or the healing of a wound by granulation after suppuration (healing by second intention)
7. meaning or significance: The intention of his words was clear.
8. the person or thing meant to benefit from a prayer or religious offering.

INTEND
verb (used with object)
1. to have in mind as something to be done or brought about; plan
2. to design or mean for a particular purpose, use, recipient, etc.
3. to design to express or indicate, as by one's words; refer to.
4. (of words, terms, statements, etc.) to mean or signify.
5. Archaic. to direct (the eyes, mind, etc.).

This leads me to wonder about the definition of "Create"... and low the last bullet presents the circle... to intend is to create.
Create...
verb (used with object), created, creating.
1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.
2. to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention.
3. Theater. to perform (a role) for the first time or in the first production of a play.
4. to make by investing with new rank or by designating; constitute; appoint
5. to be the cause or occasion of; give rise to
6. to cause to happen; bring about; arrange, as by intention or design

So... long intro... what I intend to create today is freedom. Today the flavor of freedom on the docket is freedom from:
WORRY
verb (used without object), worried, worrying.
1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
2. to move with effort: an old car worrying uphill.
verb (used with object), worried, worrying.
3. to torment with cares, anxieties, etc.; trouble; plague.
4. to seize, especially by the throat, with the teeth and shake or mangle, as one animal does another.
5. to harass by repeated biting, snapping, etc.

Antonyms for worry

• calmness      certainty               cheer          comfort          confidence
• happiness       joy       pleasure   sureness   trust            unconcern
• advantage       calm       contentment          peace

(Like worrying that this post is too long... that I'll miss my meeting... do I want to go to the meeting? what if I don't... YADDA YADDA!! Fucking Yikes people in my head!)

So I know that intending something in the positive is more powerful... but contentment and peace seem vague as does joy and happiness. Cheer is nice... but still I'm choosing to intend No Worries... Don't worry... be happy. Every time I consider waste or not waste, efficient or not... every time I feel my soul resist or tug or stress or fret... breathe and SING!

Don't Worry Be Happy...Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now
don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy
Oh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh don't worry, be happy
Here I give you my phone number, when you worry, call me, I make you happy, don't worry, be happy)
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got no gal to make you smile
Don't worry, be happy
'Cause when you worry your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
So don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
Now there, is this song I wrote
I hope you learned note for note
Like good little children, don't worry, be happy
Now listen to what I said, in your life expect some trouble
When you worry you make it double
But don't worry, be happy, be happy now
don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
don't worry, don't worry 
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, don't do it, be happy 
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) put a smile in your face
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't bring everybody down like this 
don't worry
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) it will soon pass, whatever it is
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy
(Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) I'm not worried, I'm happy
​The Indian mystic and sage Meher Baba (1894–1969) often used the expression "Don't worry, be happy" when cabling his followers in the West.[5]
In the 1960s, the expression was printed up on inspirational cards and posters of the era. In 1988, McFerrin noticed a similar poster in the apartment of the jazz duo Tuck & Patti in San Francisco.[citation needed] Inspired by the expression's charm and simplicity, McFerrin wrote the now famous song, which was included in the soundtrack of the movie Cocktail, and became a hit single the next year. In an interview by Bruce Fessier for USA Weekend magazine in 1988 McFerrin said, "Whenever you see a poster of Meher Baba, it usually says 'Don't worry, be happy,' which is a pretty neat philosophy in four words, I think."[6]
Linda Goldstein, the song's producer, said the song gave McFerrin "the freedom to explore," adding, "He is a man of infinite, unfathomable, boundless voices and everything he has ever heard has gone into his brain, from the Mickey Mouse Club theme to the Metropolitan Opera."[

What game
shall we
play today?

Wiggle
Jingle
Pang

what thoughts
to play
actions
to bounce
around
today?

it's all just so
play today
what would
be most graceful
most fun
today?

​Just so?

The spookiest day of the spookiest month, 2017. A day to remember like July 25, 2015 and April 14, 2014? The day a struggle rests or surrender truly begins. There's an odd quietness about it. No fanfare or celebration just a simple knowing that perhaps, finally, that phase is complete and a new beginning has commenced. "But it's early and I may be premature" the voice whispers... "Time will tell." 

I met with Dr. Matt yesterday. A reboot - again - on my wellness plan. I took my bike for a ride up and down a few steep hills and I fucking made it. Panting hard but I made it with joy, belting out songs from Fiddler on the Roof and West Side Story. Maybe I'll just be the "Euphonious Biker!" 

Friday the 13th...
Something clicks
or snaps closed
The light from that other room
has ceased
The door, where it was
a wall
There is no going back
I can no longer
get there from here

It's what I prayed for
wished for, created
Freedom from what was in that room
the indecision
internal torture
never ending story
moribund cycle
spitting, gasping, clinging

Not knowing why it stops
or closes or shifts
What removes the space from the room?
There is only persistent
repetitive failing attempts 
and the faith of experience
that one day the space
will return to me
the victory in surrender

The space I'm talking about, there, is the space in my head that is consumed with doubt, fear, self deprecating remarks. What creates the space is somethings else... a thought, a whim, a wish, an old behavior that doesn't work, an automatic something almost under thought somehow.  It's a mindless something that takes over; like just suddenly noticing you've arrived and don't remember how you got there. Or realizing you already bought the liquor and the bottle is poised or the cigarette's in hand with smoke curling. That's why it's so hard to intentionally change it... it's subversive, buried, under ground.  The exact cause is oddly just missing... a time warp.

When that, whatever it is, is gone, there's a vacuum that briefly presents but it's not as intense as I've heard other people describe.. they HAVE TO DO something else, replace IT, find a substitute or surrogate. For me in this moment it's just quiet, serene, new and wonderful. I did experience the physical withdrawals but that was just a joyous reminder that I was free and a curious exploration of physical sensations.  I'm very grateful this is "it" and if not, that's ok too.

The Euphonious Cycler! I like it!
Euphonious: adjective; pleasant in sound; agreeable to the ear; characterized by euphony: a sweet, euphonious voice.

As I was reflecting on the significance of all that happened during those few days at Elk Lake a message came to me... "Choice is marvelous but Decision sets you free..." 

Now that I write it, of course it seems fucking obvious... But the process of analysis paralysis had me sucked in with the Canon vs. Nikon and Lightroom vs, Photoshop so that I was overwhelmed and stopped.

What I find especially interesting are the various elements I felt it necessary to consider. All opinions outside myself... what would Chris or experts think?, do I respect that person?, do I trust that person?, are they similar to me?, do I respect the quality of their work?, do I respect their perspective?

All these questions circled around "an expert's" use of a program and gear because I quickly discovered the actual features of the products were amazingly and basically interchangeable or so subtle that given my amateur use would be materially unimportant. 

All that REALLY mattered was making a decision... WHAT I decided only mattered in so far as I was satisfied and happy with the final determination. Nothing is perfect so I the outcome was an interesting combination of kismet and coincidence... kismet: the Nikon stopped working and Coincidence: Bob knows Bridge and Camera Raw and was present in the moment to show me how it worked. It did help that it was easy (for me). 

So after all the toil and turmoil the decision has set me free. Since then I have put that practice to good use with the upgrades to my bicycle, my office space, my office organization. I'm a decision making machine. I bet I figured this out somewhere sometime in the past of this lifetime... which is why, like the 20th time I pick up the guitar, it feels so right.

I just returned from a fabulous retreat. A retreat to a Lodge with no cell service and limited (very limited) WiFi... I've been there before, two years ago. It was only four days and three nights and an easy hour and twenty minute drive from home. Maybe it was the last five miles of dirt road... or the quiet... or the scenery... or the people? No need to analyze. Bottom line, I needed the break and I accomplished some serious, excellent decisions and lasting learning.  The program was provided by Carl Heilman II Photography - Wild Visions Inc. (check Facebook) and the place was Elk Lake Lodge.

I was tempted to hunker down in the lodge near the WiFi and write a couple of times and it just didn't happen. I got distracted by my photographs, the programs, the people, the amazing and breathtaking photo ops! I've attached just a few and will continue to post them as I get them processed.

What shifted? And How?

• Alignment on equipment. When I arrived I had a tech savvy, light weight Nikon 5200 (18-55 Standard & 70-300 lenses) and a Canon 7d (70-300, 100 & Wide Angle lenses).  The Canon won out when the Nikon lenses stopped focusing (coincidence? I think not!). It may be a no-brainer for most folks but the Canon is HEAVY and I was afraid I just wouldn't use it. Once I came to my decision, I still had the luxury of time to actually read the 7d manual and practice and I'm officially in love!
• Alignment on processing software. When I arrived I was convinced I had to learn Lightroom and was finding it very anti-intuitive and frustrating. After hours of conversations and experimentation I have decided, finally, to focus on the trio Bridge/Camera Raw/Photoshop.  Learning three programs is somehow easier than one... go figure!
• Carl, after looking over my shared closing images and watching me for the 4 days declared me a Street Photographer. I'm a street shooter... I didn't know... I hadn't even looked it up online but I found myself having much more fun taking candid photos of the photographers and odd / weird perspectives than the actual landscape proper. After all these years it somehow feels perfectly awesome to have a "label." I don't have to try to "do it all...!" "Street photography, also sometimes called candid photography, is photography conducted for art or inquiry that features unmediated chance encounters and random incidents within public places." I would just add to that natural places work too... I think the keyword is candid! 
• I feel at ease with my equipment and my "goal." I remember when I took this same workshop in 2015 I had a similar feeling and then I jetted off to Colorado to assist with and attend Mom's wedding. All that info and comfort escaped my feeble brain after two weeks of distraction. This time I plan to hang onto it by a daily walk and shoot.
• I met some amazing people that I have a feeling will become long term friends. Thanks to Carl's laid back vibe, it was safe, and I wasn't afraid to ask for help and I gained so much from stretching beyond my comfort zone. Overall, the experience was extraordinary... check out the place, again, stunning.

​Thanks and Yeah!!  So much more to come =)