May you be free from fear... May you be free from desire...
May you be blessed with acceptance... May you be blessed with joy...
May you be blessed with acceptance... May you be blessed with joy...
"Heal Your Body, The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them" by Louise L. Hay First published in 1976. Thanks Louise!
Problem: Poison Ivy
Probable Cause: Feeling defenseless and open to attack.
New Thought Pattern: I am powerful, safe and secure. All is well.
Problem: Rash (I love this one... =)
Probable Cause: Irritation over delays. Babyish way to get attention. ;-)
New Thought Pattern: I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with the process of life.
If you don't already have this book in your library, I HIGHLY recommend it. I've had it for years battered and beaten, replaced and shared. Once I diagnose a health "challenge" and go to the doctor and get drugs (only if absolutely necessary), I consult Louise's advice on how to address any underlying metaphysical causes. Can't hurt, right?! What's the harm in repeating... "I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with the process of life. I am powerful, safe and secure, all is well." Right!? If the shoe fits, great, if not, so what, move on.
So I went weed pulling in the back yard Thursday afternoon... by Friday I noticed some small blisterish bumps between my index and middle finger on both hands. I had gloves on... I wasn't too worried. By Saturday I noticed itchy spots under my bangs and on my neck. FUCK! Growing up in Colorado I never came across any poisonous nasty plants. However, poison oak found me when I went hiking nearly every weekend at Thomas Aquinas College near the Los Padres National Forest (search Punch Bowls Ojai, CA). My roommate got blood poisoning, a scary dark line from her wrist up to her elbow. It never smacked me around too badly but I know the basics... do NOT take a hot shower... don't pop the blisters... don't scratch... apply calamine... rinse and repeat, the simple basics.
So this time it's just a bit annoying and a reason to relax and take care of myself. Oh and NOTICE everything I touch and what touches me and be more aware of my body than ever! The gift of awareness, thanks poison ivy... or sumac or oak or whatever... I know what you look like, I'm onto you now. And I'm now OH SO aware of my every movement... sitting, standing, sleeping, walking... every move I make, basically. Holy Shit!
Anyway, I went to urgent care because since my fav doc, Andrea Carrasco, changed her practice focus I haven't found a replacement primary care physician... The twenty something cute as a button urgent care doctor gave me a script for Prednisone... I normally would be heroic and martyr-like and tough it out with calamine lotion for a bit longer. Fuck that! I know this drill well enough to know I'd rather move on, the faster the better. I did mention to the sweet nurse, Darcy, (that checked my birthdate for the umpteenth time and verified I am who I am) that I needed a new primary and she happily and quickly recommended Maggie. Awesome. So I now have a new primary, already made the appointment. Thanks poison ivy...
So the shit itches like fucking crazy god damnit! I'm just grateful it hasn't spread more and it should be gone in a few days. Nothing like a health or physical challenge or upset to force awareness and gratitude down your throat. Thanks again!
What is it to listen to your soul speak? To be still and open and light or dark... just be. There is a flow that I've felt since I was young, a current that streams and is spilling over always just there... under the skin, behind the eyes, beneath the surface. It is calm and knowing and patient and kind. It reminds me of people like my Grandparents, but it is it's own wisdom. It drifts up, exposed in hushed chapels and hovers in a mossy grotto or blows you over on a mountain top. It's there, trickling, in coffee shop chaos on 85th & Lex on the Upper East Side in Manhattan. Where ever I go, there it is if I remember to listen.
There are pulses and waves and tides to the flow of it. Waxing and waning in and out over and through. There is no concern only curiosity and wonder, surrender and letting go... gushing in and running out.
I watered the garden this morning and listened to the birds and hung on every sound. I went out on Lake George yesterday just boating about and took some of the photos on the banner/header... but just taking it all in... drifting in ... ebbing out...
Some little voice whines about purpose and progress, perfection and promotion... that little voice is only scared to let go and open up. What will I do? Who am I? Why am I here? Hush, hush small one, young one, hush, hush and be still. All will be revealed or nothing at all. And this is fine and grand and marvelous all at once while it is frightening and disturbing. Time will tell.
And why do my eyes tear up? I've touched something deep and special darkly shining. So beautiful it draws out things long hidden. Perhaps a dam is breaking? Perhaps a breezy wind will clear away the webs of years of fearful thoughts?
Why, yes! And why not!
"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts."
I'm switching to a new journal... always a bit of a melancholy time. So much blood, sweat and tears in the journal about to be shelved. So many lessons and enlightening moments, breakthroughs and break downs... I can never be patient enough to completely, completely write to the very last page... at least not usually. So there are left at the end of most of my journals a few empty pages. Can you imagine that I used to abuse myself for that? Crazy! Now it occurs to me to beat myself up or force myself to linger and write by force of will on the last couple of pages... that's all, it occurs and then, thank God I can let that go!
Trees and roots and rooted is coming up a lot today... in the Big Book reading page 12
"He was on a different footing. His roots grasped new soil." now this...
"Just as a tree, though cut down, sprouts up again if its roots remain uncut and firm, even so, until the craving that lies dormant is rooted out, suffering springs up again and again."
"Look within. Be still. "
"Though one may conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, yet he indeed is the noblest victor who conquers himself."
There's a theme here, think? My next time is to discuss with myself how my body feels and what it needs right now. I have continued, persistent and optimistic on the path of healthy pursuits and now is another day.
Wonderful it is
to train the mind,
so swiftly moving
seizing whatever it wants.
Good it is
to have a well-trained mind
for a well-trained mind
I have a wonderful spiral bound journal from Piccadilly Press... the one I'm using at the moment contains a quote/saying from Buddha on every page. There are other themes for other books... Mark Twain, Jesus, etc. Very nice. The quote above is from a page of the journal. If I find the quote to be particularly meaningful I also write it out, large and fun and stylish on the page. Today in a meeting I found myself writing it out again and drawn to it precisely because mind training seems to be something I need (everyone does) right now. The thoughts of work and people around work keep running a muck... it's a silly waste of time. So this little poem came to me in the moment...
Shaping - shifting
Swinging - swirling
Swing and swirl
Breathe and Smile and Write
DETOUR! Hey There!
Detour to gratitude and grace!
That is all for this wonderful mid August rainy Friday!
I live in a "suburb" I guess, technically... of the proper town of Saratoga Springs. There are still woods everywhere pretty wild and dense. I glanced out the kitchen window this morning and saw a deer and a faun. The mom was happily munching on the fuchsia and white geranium flowers. I ran upstairs to grab my phone to take a photo. I thought it was pretty cool and cute until the mother deer was joined by another full grown deer and they proceeded to eat ALL the flowers on the potted patio plants. Yikes... I had to dash out and chase them off.
Anyway this got me out the house and noticing that things needed deadheading and watering. Nice, thank you dear deer! Gobble gobble... I've heard it before a gobbling noise... noises are like smells very hard to describe but a turkey type noise is common enough, right? In the past I would search the woodland floors to spy a turkey. I've seen them around here before. I didn't find one and just figured it must be very well camouflaged. I happened to mention it to Chris who laughed and said that was the gobbling crow. Apparently crows enjoy mimicking other creatures. I had no idea it could be so realistic. Well... there he/she crow was again this morning carrying on as if were a turkey. Messages there? Who knows... fall is coming... ?
Anyhow, that's all... boring I know but I liked the title... gobbling crow. Perhaps something more profound will come to mind later, or not... =)
I grew up Catholic, like strict Latin Mass every day wearing a veil and a pleated plaid skirt on my knees Catholic. I don't remember personal care ever being a topic of conversation... other than take a shower and brush your teeth daily. Nothing further on how to respect or pamper or even be aware of the physical being. I do remember a brief bit on how to deal with my menstrual cycle... that's it. No worries, my Mother probably didn't receive any info to pass along...
Somewhere around the ripe old age of seven or eight I discovered orgasms. How did that happen, you ask? Quite accidentally during a forced "stay in bed until we get up" Sunday morning and while pretending to be the woman being sawed in half at the haunted house at Elitch Gardens amusement park. I happily enjoyed masturbation frequently, very frequently, until I found out it was a deadly sin when I was in a high school Ethics course. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.
Anyway... I'm wandering around the point... just to illustrate the level of my own personal body connection disfunctionality. (no hyphen, new word, because I said so) Also to be certain you understand the level of my insight is about a 2 on a scale of 1-100. Ok, disclaimer complete...
In my late twenties I had the excellent honor to be part of a Native American community that was much more tuned into body/mind/spirit integration and care. (Interesting side note, the word "care" is very negative in it's first 8 listed definitions... I should say the NOUN is very negative. The verb is OK.) It's a moon cycle not a menstrual period and you become a wise woman when you are menopausal... WHAY more friendly and optimistic. I also learned about my internal council. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. I've listened and the number of internal voices is definitely more than the stereo typical angel and devil. There's a whole rowdy crowd in there. The Native Americans call it an "Inner Council" and over the years I've used a way of journalling to bring all the crazy conversations to the forefront and begin to establish some working relationships ner I say alignment...?! (knock knock)
Anywho... it's come to my notice that the "BODY is a major part of the council... very soft spoken and unassuming in it's word communications. I gardened like crazy yesterday... beautiful results but stiff limbs. This morning I spent 10 minutes stretching... but I resisted it mightily. SO... bottom line, to the quick of it... I need to set a time for a journalling session where I specifically open up lines of communication with the body and discover the source of this silly resistance... =) That's it!
I hear they are making another Karate Kid movie. I just looked it up on Wiki and the original was released in 1984. Wow... that means I was a freshman in college when I went to see it. I would have guessed it came out earlier, when I was younger! Do they still make meaningful, inspirational block buster type movies? I don't think I've seen one since Avatar... any way...
Many of us will remember the whole wax on wax off exercise, especially all the awesome classic cars. If you're too young, Google it! (Did I just say that?!) I guess the fucking reality of progress not perfection and/or practice and peeling onions has been around for awhile. Imagine that! And thank God I'm only 50 something and I may just now be figuring it out. I say "may" so as not to antagonize the Gods. There's also no wood handy to knock on...
Anyhow, for the moment anyway, I seem to be finally able to stop resisting (knock, knock) simple repetitive tasks. The book I'm reading has definitely helped (Peace in Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh) . You can be aware, serene, peaceful and meditative in ANYTHING you are doing. This is the great equalizer, isn't it. (That is a whole separate post!) There's so much to notice and acknowledge and appreciate in every fucking awesome moment that with the right frame of mind and a bit of mind control we could all be happy. Shit that in a pile!
I may be on to something here... track with me for a moment... So, if I can pay attention and with gratitude and awareness accomplish any task happily... wait, no, that's too easy! (LOVE IT!! I love paradox... I ALWAYS know I'm onto something good when paradox pops up.) So, back to the thought yes... easy AND hard! You have to be aware number one.. that's no churned butter. You have to be able to maintain focus on the actual task that is also herculean. Finally you have to manage the fucking monkeys or squirrels or whatever you call the madness that are thoughts in your head. You have to keep those monkeys on task and thinking happy thoughts... So suddenly it seems impossible rather than easy. However, it is worth it.
Case in point... the hell I went through recently has passed (knock knock) and a shining, wonderfully delightful and tasty milestone of collaboration and and actual project satisfaction has been attained. Wax On... and Off and On and Off again many times for that one! As much as I hate to admit it, the distasteful painful process (I STILL don't buy that there is no gain w/o pain) did yield a bushel of fruit. Aside from the momentary collapse into utter bliss... I learned a lot about myself in the business world and experiencing emotions... of all sorts. I also know now, without doubt that I am an excellent organizer of things and data and people. This is a great and noble skill as well as being valuable, useful and somewhat rare. I also am a pretty excellent communicator, fearless-ish and getting better every day. That is, perhaps, an even more rare talent set.
while I'm frustrated
I am also rewarded,
while I am stuck and mucky
the sun shines
bogged down and
lifted up at once
circling as I move
forward & back
who I am...
and how to be here
This is the advice of Thich Nhat Hanh in "Peace is Every Step The Path to Mindfulness in Everyday Life." I guess that's easy enough to remember and now I have a couple post it notes splattered around to remind me. It is not very helpful in informing actions, really. There are some great steps to coping with emotions.
I've always been a very impulsive sort. Now, to be OH so IN... I'm living in "the moment"! Not the planning kind, at least in terms of my longer term future. No white picket fence or husband with children even crossed my mind. I didn't consider whether to be a vet or a biologist or a poet or a journalist. I just never thought about any of that. (It's funny, I did think about writing a book about all the millions of career options at one point.) There never seemed to be a choice... it was business then work and work and work and work with occasional romantic interludes. I've taken a total of one true vacation my entire life Sept 2001 I went to France for a month. Every other vacation was mostly go visit family in CO... Oh, I take that back, Chris and I went to Costa Rica for a few weeks and we did go camping on Lake George for one night last summer.
I'm not complaining or feeling bad for myself, mind you. Depending on your definition of vacation... I enjoy where I go and what I do. For decades I traveled all over the country by land and by air. No complaints. I guess it's just a middle age crisis. I may actually choose to pursue something as if I was 21 again... like from scratch... only now I have a 52 year old body tagging along. Perhaps it's teenage angst that I'm feeling? Rebellion and frustration at having to choose and I can't picture myself really happy enjoying any one thing for very long... at all. I think menopause is just a name for puberty when you're fifty.
So the standard book definitions of puberty and menopause are strictly related to menstruation. A woefully inadequate expression of what the words normally mean in common speak. I could say that the best most confident and carefree days were "pre-menstruation" and perhaps a more fun way to look at middle age is "post-menstruation" and a return to the carefree energetic carefree times. Menstruation brought self consciousness at a new level... the odd body that was no longer mine. All sorts of oddness came along with it, a body image weird responsibilities and rituals... I never wanted and never wanted children.
OK... so new thought I am free to return to the pre-menstruation state of mind. Pre smoking, pre drinking, pre eating too much... I think I rode bikes and read books and hid from my family mostly. Sounds like a plan. I'm pretty sure I believed in leprechauns, I wrote in my diary and played in the sandbox. It sounds better and better!
It does feel like applying the brakes and moving thru more than breaking a bond as in breakthrough. Curious how words and our auto associations work, Eay?
When did I discover Runes? It would have to have been, probably, at the CO Renaissance fair. I used to go every summer, no matter what. I had no idea how fabulous the grounds were/are and how lucky I was to have such a diverse and well attended festival so close. Festival LINK!
Anyhow... Runes are... wiki link... a Norse alphabet apparently but they are images on stones or pebbles that are used for divination and guidance. There are so many different books, my favorite battered and well loved version is published or was, by St. Martin's press The Book of Runes, Tenth Anniversary Edition, commentary by Ralph Blum, 1993. I pulled Hagaz yesterday... HOPE... breakthrough, transformation... "because the timing is right the outcome is assured although not, from the present vantage point, predictable..."
Yikes I just hit a major side tracked moment... LOVE IT!! I now have images of all the runes in the style/font of the one above... NICE!! I keep remembering how much I love graphic art. Next profession will have to involve more creative ventures like writing, photography and art/design.
Today I pulled Laguz... FLOW and Humor! =) "unseen powers are active here, powers that nourish, shape and connect... the attributes of this Rune are water, fluidity, the ebb and flow of EMOTIONS, careers, relationships... " Yeah, got that right! Whoot Whoot... there's more goodness to communicate about this Rune, but I've run out of time for today. Look it up or BETTER YET... pull your own Rune for the day! =)
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!