​My first inclination was to call it an interpreter switch. In the shower the idea of an interface came up and seemed to fit as well. I have, officially, sustained an internal interface upgrade. I'm currently breaking it in and getting used to it. Still reverting to the old way I did things, occasionally, for sure.

In the past I may have called it an epiphany, but that feels like it provides the idea of a fleeting or a passing thing (ephemeral) and this is a permanent situation.

Now the challenging bit... explaining what the fuck I'm talking about. So... I'll start where it started with a poem that came to me while I was meditating this morning... I won't transcribe the whole thing just enough to get the idea across... 

Race away!
Race away!
Race away, QUICKLY!!

No discomfort allowed, RUN!
Here it comes, doubt, uncertainty
Hunger, sadness... Run!

Run away!
Hide away!
Kill it off!
MUTE!

Don't stand still
If you pause, 
It will surely catch you!

Don't get attached
Don't show your belly
They'll tear you to pieces
It's quite ordinary!

Don't listen
Don't pause, meditate or pray!
And for heaven's sake don't stay
In one place!
Keep it goin' it's safer that way!

Don't care at all
You'll only get hurt
Run away!
Run away!
Run away, QUICK!

There's more but that's plenty to get the gist (yes, GIST... cool, look it up!) of it. What I realized was this was my old interface talking. Everything that happened was viewed through that filter. Every thought, action, outside happening was regarded through that "interpreter" / "filter" / "interface".... Now I'm free to regard, consider, feel, everything on a moment by moment basis. Awareness of the interface was triggered by something Shirley said a couple weeks ago about it being "OK to feel hungry" which expanded into it's OK to feel uncomfortable from the book Binge No More... I've also been aware of the constant underlying, background urge to be in a hurry all the time since we got the new house. That underlying always present buzzing fearfulness... ick!

So, welcome to a whole new world where none of that is necessary... life is safe, serene, enjoyable and I am free. The new interface also address the constant fear of not being perfectly efficient and time and effort saving... another long term constant hack!

In nearly every published version of Anne Frank's diary, each diary entry begins with "Dear Kitty." However, this was not always true in Anne's original written diary.
In Anne's first, red-and-white-checkered notebook, Anne sometimes wrote to other names such as "Pop," "Phien," "Emmy," "Marianne," "Jetty," "Loutje," "Conny," and "Jackie." These names appeared on entries dating from September 25, 1942, until November 13, 1942.

It is believed that Anne took these names from characters found in a series of popular Dutch books written by Cissy van Marxveldt, which featured a strong-willed heroine (Joop ter Heul). Another character in these books, Kitty Francken, is believed to have been the inspiration for the "Dear Kitty" on most of Anne's diary entries.

Anne Frank's diary was all I needed as inspiration. When I first started my diary it was a typical teenage diatribe of boy crushes and family drama... victumhood and roller skating... roof climbing and the complete injustice of being alive. I'm sure I wasn't unique in my experiences. I am grateful that I was able to endure and learn from them using a journal as a tool and making my innter teacher availble in that fashion.

​

Over the holidays I happened upon a chakra wall hanging. I love the images and prayers for each one. I share them here so I will have access anywhere any time. 

Base Chakra: I am connected with the energy of Mother Earth. My body, mind and spirit are grounded, centered and pure.

Sacral Chakra: I love all dimensions of myself. I delight in weaving the creative tapestry that is my life!

Solar Plexus: My will & divine Will are one. I am connected to the abundant flow of the Universe. I easily manifest my dreams

Heart Chakra: My heart is open to receive the energy of LOVE. I radiate this essence. I walk my path with ease & grace.

Throat Chakra: I am aligned with my highest truth. I communicate this with love & honor. My words echo softly within the Universe.

Third Eye: My mind is OPEN to new visions. I expand my awareness through my HIGHER self.

Crown Chakra: I am connected to the Divine Source of the Universe. I am Light! I trust!

This is the stuff that meditations are made of for me. I have to say also I appreciate the freedom to speak my truth without fear. I have noticed my thoughts reacting to the last post with apologies. I don't need to apologize to anyone ever regarding my beliefs or experiences. I acknowledge this and focus on gratitude... David Rast... on OnBeing Grateful.

Each year my questioning seems to grow with no real answers or resolution. What the fuck are holiday feelings suppose to feel like? So far I know about this... for me:

• Music: Bing Crosby - Nat King Cole - Michael Buble style holiday music is a great back ground mood enhancer
• Cards: Sending them, I personally still enjoy this regardless of who chooses to return the favor... getting cards is nice, too.
• Gifts: buying them, wrapping them and checking out what's wrapped with my name under the tree... wondering is fun - lately not much of that, my life is a gift after gift after gift!
• Decorations: Speaking of "under the tree" there decorations provide little reminders of the season. I've shifted from all out bowl you over to very subtle, tasteful and discrete. 
• Decorations Part 2: The "tree" a separate subset of holiday decor: With all the busy-ness this year we opted to skip the tree... that does make a difference in the vibe... I've noticed real or artificial... the ritual of turning the lights on and off, putting presents under, etc. I don't miss the decorating or putting the ornaments away after.
• Food - with my recent realizations and freedom with my new food plan I'm extra picky about what makes even the feast day lists. I just played with boxed cake mix and prepared frosting... icky! 
  • the stand by onion dip and ruffles
  • stuffed mushrooms (bacon/cream cheese/green onions/walnuts)
  • prime rib
  • fondue
  • crab legs
  • cookies... I need to pick from my holiday list a make a couple favorites cherry winks maybe... it's the SMELL of baking that adds to the vibe more than the actual eating at this point.
• Smells: I'm doing them separate... I just mentioned cooking smells but there is also spruce or pine... cinnamon... and other related fabulous holiday smellilicious flavors. 
• Weather: A "white Christmas" is unreliable... we got six inches yesterday and I just love it, whenever it shows up. It does add a sense of coziness and something, something holiday-ish.

What you may notice is missing from my list is anything to do with family or community in general. I have never relied or been drawn to create or participate in any type of gathering.  I usually go because it's expected, if at all. 

I've been grasping for a happy holiday feeling, even thinking way back to holidays when I was young. There was frequently some level of discomfort and underlying tension. The fact that family members don't all get along is fucking intensely obvious and raw. Since I've stopped drinking, powering through social gatherings is usually a chore. If there are people that I see only once per year that I respect and care about, that's great and nice... but I don't like to "vie" for their attention or try to share a conversation... I HATE small talk! I guess I need practice still, talking to more than one person at a time. See previous blog entries... 

To make it more palatable and fun I may have to start taking my camera again to entertain myself and feel a tiny bit useful.  I've tried to pass the time and fit in by helping clean up and been discouraged or flatly denied... odd... 

So this is all feels a bit sad I guess and depressing a little. But not really, for me it's just the way it is. It's nice to get clarity around my expectations and be aware of the source and actual level of merriment-i-tude.  I am, then, again, as usual, alone in my experience and the power to create and enjoy it.

Take Aways:
Enjoy the music, decor, cooking, cards, food, smells & gifts to the fullest =)
Bring the camera to all gatherings
I just realized I didn't even mention church or Christ's birth... not a factor, see previous post on My Creed... and Happy Hanukkha 

PS. All loving acts of service, giving and fellowship are things I create day by day all year long. 

In the summer of my 21st year on this planet I took the opportunity to lay down Catholicism for numerous reasons I need not elaborate on at this time. I do recall that the concept of original sin, in particular, became untenable to me... that all persons are BORN evil and need some "other" ceremony or church to become "sinless" and worthy of eternal life.  I happened to be on a summer job at Villanova University and LeHigh near Philadelphia at the time of this epiphany.  I remember walking through the library at Villanova, wandering among the stacks..... stopping, pulling a random book off a shelf and opening to this arbitrary page and passage

"Benjamin Franklin, Letter to Ezra Stiles, 9 March 1790, in John Bigelow, ed., The Works of Benjamin Franklin, at 12:185-86 (New York: Putnam’s, 1904) (paragraphing edited and bullets added for readability).
You desire to know something of my religion. It is the first time I have been questioned upon it. But I cannot take your curiosity amiss, and shall endeavor in a few words to gratify it.
Here is my creed.

• I believe in one God, the creator of the universe.
• That he governs by his providence.
• That he ought to be worshipped.
• That the most acceptable service we render to him is doing good to his other children.
• That the soul of man is immortal, and will be treated with justice in another life respecting its conduct in this.

These I take to be the fundamental points in all sound religion, and I regard them as you do in whatever sect I meet with them.
As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire,

• I think his system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting changes,
• and I have, with most of the present dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity;
• though it is a question I do not dogmatize upon, having never studied it, and think it needless to busy myself with it now, when I expect soon an opportunity of knowing the truth with less trouble.
• I see no harm, however, in its being believed, if that belief has the good consequences, as probably it has, of making his doctrines more respected and more observed;
• especially as I do not perceive that the Supreme takes it amiss, by distinguishing the unbelievers in his government of the world with any peculiar marks of his displeasure."

A friend asked me today if I could summarize my beliefs. My thought were immediately drawn back to these words and this experience 32+ years ago... I can recall the day, the light streaming in, the dust motes floating, a creaking floor, solitude and reading the words above with a calm and serene confidence and peace that I had never really felt regarding god and religion in my life to that point. Nice mental road trip! 

Happy Holidays.... and for more interesting reading on Ben Franklin and his religious beliefs... check out... ​http://benjaminfranklinbio.com/benjamin-franklin-on-religion/145/

I have come across, accidentally of course, the solution, finally to my eating and weight management journey. Yes, it's true! I'm not sure what I was doing when I stumbled across it but I ended up downloading an audio book called "Never Binge Again" by Glen Livingston. I listened to the whole book once and then started again and I love it. I'm not wild about the voice talent but the actual content is fucking perfect! I was done with Dr. Matt's plan it was just to restrictive and didn't jive with my natural hunger cycles. It also didn't ever allow for bread or pasta... ever and took too much time and thought on a daily fucking basis! Seriously I have time, but it was crazy unless I wanted to eat fake, protein shakes constantly.

This book's philosophy and methods totally resonate with me! What I found most interesting:

• Take responsibility for yourself and specify your OWN food plan. 
• Identify, label and "control" or cage your inner sabotage & binge at any cost fucking voice. He calls it the Pig. It is NOT YOUR INNER CHILD! You don't have to be kind and loving to it. You DO NOT NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY it wants what it wants... CAGE it and BE DONE!! That annoying inner voice that constantly picks apart and breaks down whatever plan I've chosen since I began this journey two plus years ago! That says I'm weak and starving and deprived and poor pitiful me, just start tomorrow!  BYE BYE!
• He points out that it's OK to be hungry and it's OK to be uncomfortable... something that I was just figuring out on my own recently. What freedom that provides all by itself! I really won't die if I'm a little uncomfortable and/or hungry!
• The idea that I am responsible and the I can control the voice works for me, gives me hope and whether it's a higher power or whatever helps me make the DECISION and thus the voice goes away is awesome. The tipping point... where there are no other options or excuses. The DECISION is made... deal with it!
• The system provides a method for designating solid RULES around eating. With smoking and drinking it was easy... black and white... just Don't EVER do it, abstain completely! That obviously doesn't work with food, you have to eat... so creating this food plan for myself and making the decision to stick to it FOREVER provides that DON'T / WON'T EVER framework for food.  
• I could adjust the food plan at some point if it "doesn't work" but it will take "an act of congress." Days of consideration, careful thoughtful scientific review and there are all kinds of rules and guidelines to ensure it's not just your pig sabotaging your plan. AWESOME! 
• I already feel the type of "OBSESSION Lifted" sense of freedom that I did when I finally realized I didn't need to torture myself with alcohol and cigarettes any longer and the fucking little nasty voice could take a hike. I LOVE that the book says... it's forever you cannot budge at all not .00001 % I am committed 100%, 

As much as I would like to think and believe that I am impervious to the actions of others it's a big fat lie. The longer I'm sober the more I understand and realize why I drank. It was easier to deal with the pain, the hurt. Apparently rather than being immune and impervious, I'm the opposite, sensitive and vulnerable. I know that some people would say this is a good thing. It doesn't feel good when people are hurtful. Their intentionality doesn't matter so much (right now). Just the acknowledging of it and the what the FUCK do I do with THIS hurt feeling? I realize my response is a choice... but feeling the feeling itself is out of my control.

So the word "HACK" just came to mind... Odd how words just appear and what a great word. I had no idea. I never considered using it outside of the obvious computer related meaning. I like it! I am going to hack the feeling... I can't hack the hurt! I'll create a hack or use a hack or be a fucking hack! I do love words! This is an unexpected gem =)

hackverb (used with object)
1. to cut, notch, slice, chop, or sever (something) with or as with heavy, irregular blows (often followed by up or down): to hack meat; to hack down trees.
2. to break up the surface of (the ground).
3. to clear (a road, path, etc.) by cutting away vines, trees, brush, or the like
4. to damage or injure by crude, harsh, or insensitive treatment; mutilate; mangle
5. to reduce or cut ruthlessly; trim:
The Senate hacked the budget severely before returning it to the House. there's a lot of hacking goin' on!
6. Slang. to deal or cope with; handle: He can't hack all this commuting.
7. Computers.

1. to modify (a computer program or electronic device) or write (a program) in a skillful or clever way: Developers have hacked the app.
2. to circumvent security and break into (a network, computer, file, etc.), usually with malicious intent: Criminals hacked the bank's servers yesterday.

8. Informal. to make use of a tip, trick, or efficient method for doing or managing (something)

So I will make use of my new found knowledge of hacking to allow the feeling to resonate and reverberate and sink down and nestle in. No resistance only pausing to wonder and observe. Meditation has become an excellent hack! Go hacking!

Some mornings there is only to write. That is all. To type out like working out with your thoughts via your fingers. Some things I think I don't feel open to share on this forum. So I'll write write that elsewhere. I guess I can comment on the general idea without details. The joy of finding and buying a dream home is an amazing once in a lifetime experience. It's something to share and people are happy for you, supportive and excited. I've been joking saying that Chris and I, instead of having a kid, are having a house. It feels appropriate and true although we have less anxiety, physical pain and sleep loss.

It baffles my mind and it's basically unknowable why someone would choose to be distant and non supportive in such a time. It is all about them... something they are going through or suffering through or possibly a misunderstanding or old hurt... All there is to do then is to try to be understanding and set boundaries so their rain doesn't encroach on your parade... right? It's sad to watch, though and still puts a bit of a damper on the celebration. On the other hand the lack of outside involvement is allowing Chris and I to bond and make our own decisions about everything together... so in that regard it's awesome and perfectly perfect. Well... it IS perfectly perfect the universe is just waiting for me to figure that out. Who is available to support us and ultimately that we have each other to depend on in the end. I guess that's more and more obvious through this recent experience. 

What there is to do... this is all... to enjoy each moment blissfully aware of how precious it is and grateful for the joyous gifts all around me always.

"Artist's Way: Week 1: Task 8: Imaginary Lives: If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them? I would be a pilot, a cowhand, a physicist, a psychic, a monk. You might be a scuba diver, a cop, a writer of children's books, a football player, a belly dancer, a painter, a performance artist, a history teacher, a healer, a coach, a scientist, a doctor, a Peace Corps worker, a psychologist, a fisherman, a minister, an auto mechanic, a carpenter, a race car driver, a sculptor, a lawyer, a singer, a hacker, a soap-opera star, a country singer,  a rock and roll drummer. Whatever occurs to you, jot it down. Do not overthink this exercise.

The point of these lives is to HAVE FUN in them - more fun than you might be having in this one. Look over your list and select one. Then do it this week. For instance, if you put down country singer, can you pick a guitar? If you dream of being a cowhand, can you go horse back riding?"

I completed this exercise last week and I was so moved, touched and inspired. What fun, really! Not to mention it just so happens that I am in a position to change my "career" so it's perfect to be thinking about it. My answers were... National Geographic Photographer, Poet Laureate, Field based scientist like Archaeologist, Anthropologist or Biologist, Philosopher/Author/Teacher and Wilderness Survivalist & Trainer. Juices are flowing! On the Alaska the Last Frontier show last night Ots mentioned that they have to be Imagineers to get things done around the homestead. THAT's an awesome title... of course DISNEY took it!  Imagineer!

The closing is TODAY on the new house. We're over the moon excited. Stay tuned!

• The trouble is, you think you have time. –Buddha
• The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away. –William Shakespeare
• The secret of getting ahead is getting started. –Mark Twain
• The doors will be opened to those who are bold enough to knock. –Tony Gaskins
• Big things often have small beginnings. –Unknown
• Be not simply good – be good for something. –Henry David Thoreau
• Every morning you have two choices; continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them. –Unknown
• Experience is the name we give to our mistakes. –Oscar Wilde
• Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover. –Mark Twain
• To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. –Oscar Wilde
• You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it. –Paulo Coelho
• An un-examined life is not worth living. –Socrates
• Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. –Henry Ford
• Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs. –Farrah Gray
• It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. –Abraham Lincoln
• There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. –Paulo Coelho
• People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily. –Zig Ziglar

I saved the best for last... =)

Greetings I've just spent an hour or so reviewing and completing a bunch of "DRAFT" posts from all different dates... interesting that in Weebly when you save a draft post you can't change the date so each of those is forever linked to the original date I created them. Interesting... frozen in time.  There was quite a spread in topics from bed making (7/25/17) to burning bridges (10/9/17) and a fun little poem (10/14/17). How fun to look back. It inspires me to look back in my journals and update that page today.

So... I diverge from my original idea for the day... doesn't matter though! Excellent! So any how this is stream of consciousness writing, per Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way process. Amazing and wonderful way to start the day. No worries, I won't usually be blogging my every morning morning pages but felt like it this morning... 

Best totally yummy use of Celery Root... an amazing fall side dish using a fabulously ugly veg. One of my all time favorite pass times is to explore new weird fruits and veggies at the Farmer's Market and try a bunch of new recipes with that off the wall item. It was easier in Venice Beach. The Santa Monica Farmer's Market had way more odd choices that I find here... but it's still fun. So the delectable, scrumptious celery root discover is from Martha! Go Martha! Apple & Root Vegetable Hash 

As I munch on a bit of the hash with a scrambled egg this morning I'm listening to a wonderful Ted Radio Hour about how important it is to reach out and communicate with anyone and everyone and a few ideas on how to do that!  Dialogue & Exchange!

​that is all for now...