What's Most Disturbing?

A ray of light and inspiration shot through the dark, foreboding, gloomy and threatening atmosphere yesterday. While I've been feeling and spinning and reeling with the political environment and the behaviors of ALL those involved (Media, Democrats, Republicans, "ad nauseam"), I've been searching for some sense. There is a reason for everything, yes? Muddled inquiring minds, like mine, are eager to attempt to draw it out, speculate, wonder and/or just sit back and be fascinated and shocked and disgruntled or all of those at once. 

Yesterday I was curious how the media would report the recent acquittal and what the Democratic and Republican responses might be.  Romney's passionate break from the party, odd how that got more airtime than Trump's acquittal? and I just can't get the image of Pelosi tearing up Trump's speech out of my head. (Probably because the media shows it over and over.) I don't want those hate-full things in my head! I hark back to political conversations with close friends or family, whose fangs came out, such that I didn't even recognize them. I became defensive and afraid for my own safety and sanity. (And I don't give a flying fuck about politics.) Some friends even expressed genuine FEAR for the safety of their family and way of life. Puzzling, disturbing... When considering whether or not to bring up or even respond to anything even remotely related to politics I, frankly, run screaming (in my mind).

What the FUCK is the matter with people? All civility and kindness, cooperation, collaboration, anything remotely resembling a curious, thoughtful, solution minded adult discussion is apparently not available. Civil war? Are you fucking kidding me? What media monster planted that notion?  WTF people? Hate and war is never an answer to anything! I don't recognize our country. I'm embarrassed by ALL OF THEM, everyone!

Anyway, I've been wondering why it was all getting under my skin and bothering me so much. What is is? It's not the "issues" or legislation or guilt or innocence, really. I'm Independent and ALWAYS have been so I'm not wedded to either Red or Blue. The blame game bullshit is NOT NEW, people, it's just raised to a fever pitch. It has been building for about a decade, maybe more. Slowly becoming more acceptable to be rude and invasive, disrespectful and decisive.  The public, my friends and family, everyone has been allowing it. What am I defending? What's really bothering me? The paradox of speak freely but don't offend or else... ? What is it? Really?

Perhaps, I'm upset because my friends are fearful. I'm upset because they've allowed themselves to become defensive and full of blame and hate. True, true... and I can go on and on how it's all the media's fault or the politicians run riot.  Family and friends have lost their perspective and their serenity and their common sense about facts and objectivity and the concept of holding journalists responsible to actually report facts not opinions. I personally have ZERO INTEREST in their "informed" opinions, ANY OF THEM... CNN, FOX, ABC, NBC, CBS. I'm not interested in name calling and blaming. I would like the facts... the back ground, an inside look a FUCKING FAIR AND OBJECTIVE report. I'll make up my OWN MIND, form my own fucking opinion!! Anyway.... BREEATHEE see how easy it is to go sideways?! Yikes! Oh no, wait that's the co-dependent, care-taking me, worrying about others too much! My poor defenseless tribe, I have to take care of THEM! Please, step aside, let me be ENRAGED for YOU, because you are obviously clueless and being taken advantage of and can't take care of yourself. WTF!!??

Then the actual truth showed up in a moment of clarity and light, the thing I am most upset about is the mirror this is holding up for me. I have allowed them, all of them, to make me feel unsafe and afraid. I have chosen to react and defend or duck and avoid.  The unadulterated hate and venom has poisoned me also and I've sanctioned, certified, endorsed, tolerated it ALL! I'VE SWALLOWED IT HOOK LINE AND FUCKING SINKER! Shit, seriously! No wonder I'm so upset! I've sold my soul to these assholes and ALLOWED them to sow hate and fear in my life. In my own living room and coffee shop between people who are close to me.  Be what you want to see in the world, right?! The guilty one isn't OUT THERE, it's in HERE. I can be creative, I can be brave and face the nastiness and remind people to be open minded, patient, civil, kind and thoughtful.  It will take effort and mindfulness and humor!

Somehow I've got to find the humor and lighter side, turn the tide through my own choices and "rise above" the bashing and spew. Horrible haters and manipulators of all sorts that have always been here and aren't going anywhere. Thank God I can choose to focus on the goodness, the solution, the grace, the serenity that is also always present.

​That's it. Thank God for lightening bolts. It's been an uncomfortable environment lately. It's just a very scary side of myself that's poking out. Say hello, get to know it, shift and let go.  The only thing I even come close to controlling, barely, is me. I guess I needed the powerful reminder and I do feel better.

Today I choose to be open, kind, serene, SAFE, honest, and responsible. I choose to remain aware and observant of  anyone or anything I ALLOW to push my buttons or trigger me into any behavior or feelings other than those. Pass it on... if you choose!

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