There are some things that once you've experienced them... you'll never be the same. You may never have the same perspective or orientation or experience the day to day the way you have until now. I've heard this referred to as transformation. I seem to have an entirely new framework for living.
I feel myself reaching for me and finding me. I sense the peace that I knew was always there swirling freely all around. No graspy, clutching, fighting, clawing-ness indistinguishable battlegrounds of misty imbalances and fear.
I'm reminded of the poem I wrote years ago... Fearless. You can find it if you search the site. Here it is without returns.
Evil? There is No evil. I saw, I felt This truth This morning In the sky Something Lifted Like a cloud I couldn’t See and Didn’t know Was there. And light Of lighter Quality Was present All around me. And the Burden of Living in Subtle Constant Nagging Fear Was lifted. No fear Of judgment Meeting strangers No fear Of loss Meeting friends.I choose Not to give life To judgment To loss.Without my Thought Or breath They do not Exist. How will It be now To live Each moment As a precious Gift of love? Open – accepting Observing and Watching For the Opportunity To give love Back to all Creation? Even me?How will It be now To see The sweetness, The gentle lesson The good chance Pre-sent In each moment Just so I may Remember Who I Am?How will It be now To feel?To laugh?To love? Without fear I’m remembering.
The feeling is similar but different this time. I'm not just channeling a sense that I experienced in one beautiful early morning oceanside ecstasy. I feel more grounded and understand the essence, it resonates, vibrates. At the core is the following:
We are all eternal and good, always have been always will be.
We're here for experiences that we've requested.
There is no scarcity therefore there is no need for anxiety.
Competition is optional there's plenty of everything to go around.
Fixing is optional because nothing and no one is broken.
I am 100% creator and responsible for my own well being and joy.
I am not responsible for anyone else's experience.
Change is constant and the journey never ends so enjoy the process.
Use your emotional guidance system to find your way to well being...
The hardest one... yes I just wrote that... is paying attention to my emotional guidance system. What are they? What do they feel like? Not urges, not habits, not avoidance, ... I'm learning what they are not and beginning to consider what they are. I know intuition... it's not emotional... This is the leg of the journey I happen to be on at the moment.
No "do over"... not necessary or wanted really just an interesting thought. I wonder if I'd found this path sooner... but... I wrote a poem about that too, Things That Might Have Been...
The inner resistance that was underneath 90% of everything that I experience seems to be disintegrating. Maybe the fact that I noticed that it's there and acknowledge that it's futile? Dare I say that sobriety has provided this insight? I guess I have to. I doubt I would be having this conversation if I was still drinking. I've heard 5 years is really how long it takes for your mind/body/spirit to truly recover and begin to grow up. People in the fellow ship have said that they were "stuck" developmentally at the age they started to drink seriously. That makes some people an emotional age of 10 or 15. For me it's more like 25 unless you count smoking which allowed me to start stuffing my feelings when I was 8.
A lot of these rebellious thoughts and feelings feel young to me. Do any adults out there still resist taking a shower or bath? Maybe they do... who knows. Chances are I'm not as unique as I think I am! The resistance is mostly around things and not people... too much to carry, to hard to clean... no vacuuming or dusting or cleaning of any kind is a real pain. Driving somewhere... anywhere... I've been working on that trying to remember when I got my permit to drive, what it felt like and how much fun it was to drive anywhere.
Apparently I have a built in resistance to almost anything repetitive... hello exercise, My entire energy of mind is spent avoiding and/or making every action or series of actions as frugal and efficient as possible to avoid any and all unnecessary movement. So let me just acknowledge right here what a mind fuck I've been doing to myself all by myself for what, decades? SFD (SHIT FUCK DAMN - Acronym courtesy of Flo B and Johnna)! The truly frightening thing is that it was so automatic I barely noticed it. I did NOT wake up to the idea it was an OPTION until just recently. My clue started in the morning making coffee. Maybe because I was "fresh" after sleeping... I would notice how I agonized over which coffee can was fullest, which should be used up first to conserve space or not be old, which flavor I might want later, what would Chris want, should I mix them, do I take the extra few minutes to filter the water?... OMG!! That's an incomplete glimpse of what my mind/thoughts were doing to me CONSTANTLY!
Perhaps now you can imagine my relief at unraveling this mess of thoughts?! It is a deliverance into a whole new world. The bars of a hither to unseen prison... MELTING before my eyes. A part of myself going away as well... Wow! It's like being on edge, knowing something is weird and off... wondering about it, working on resolution then realizing: "There is jarring acid rock music on low in the background ALL THE TIME!" That's what's making me anxious and I was so used to it that I didn't even realize it was there... (substitute any type of music that you hate).
So, on the bright side... I promise to only use this knowledge for the good of myself and mankind! I have a creative brain that CAN make anything fun and interesting... and I possess complete control of my perspective and reaction. I got the crazy idea to listen to comedy skits while I exercise... So THAT IS FUN! I get my laughter exercise, a big smile and my exercise all at once. Did I mention the time flies? Pandora has comedy channels, yes!
I have an urge to write... but no specific ideas or words so the process is... there's a reason and I just need to sit and write... I just met with a friend who is interested in helping me with my business and possibly starting one of his own. It was a bit of an odd and "dodgy" feeling conversation... if someone says "I'm not interested in stealing business away... " when that thought had never entered my mind.... it just felt weird. It's doubly odd because I just got feedback from another friend regarding some ethically questionable things that this friend did. I don't know what she thought he did. I don't usually want to know. Maybe, if I'm considering having this guy work with me on a couple jobs, I need to know what she thinks he did... OK, so there's my answer right there. When she said... he said what they did or didn't do matters I need to RUN AWAY well at least step back!!!
I did honestly communicate that a super high strung energy is not appropriate for the work. I was proud of myself for just saying that, tactfully, out loud. It was just staring me down, in the face... too totally obvious NOT to say.
That may be a nice new way to gauge when I communicate and what to whom and how often... It has to scream to be said in order for me to actually speak it out loud. Interesting thought. I also basically HAD to say that active listening skills are also absolutely necessary... I think it would be challenging for this guy and possibly painful for everyone concerned. I didn't say that last bit.
On a completely different front...
I did notice this morning that some level of defensive, fearful, habitual behavior/thought has become more clear. I'm not sure how to explain it other than I think of... the day or a phone call or a drive or a work out or a shower or... you name the mundane thing and I NOW feel detached and calm as opposed to... stressed, resistant, fearful. That sounds totally wacky, so it MUST be TRUE! Yes a 51 year old appearing fearless is, at some weird vulnerable level, afraid of everything, to some degree. Yes, the shower, the call to Mary, the training session tonight... scary! Shit!
Once again... Shit - Fuck - Damn! AND good to know.
Today was the first fun leaf falling and rainy day this year. The photo above shows the brilliance you can witness just by looking down!
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
I've been smiling a lot again lately. Apparently whatever storm has passed. I smile for no reason. I feel it on my face and I think to think about why then I stop thinking and just smile. I don't think it's directly related to the book I'm currently listening too... who knows but I am listening to Parker Palmer's Hidden Wholeness. The poem above is an example he uses of a discussion starter for a safe circle.... a circle of trust gathering.
The entire book is a discussion of wholeness, what it means to be one with yourself undivided. He doesn't use the word alinement but that is basically what I call it. I'm thrilled and excited and plan to start my own Circle of Trust.
The poem brings me to tears. It is what I know is true and what I desire to feel about and with myself all alone. If I can't provide it for myself, I can't find it outside... it is the beginning of the beginning of an authentic life for me.
That is all for now... the fall is fabulous. LOVE IT!
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!