I'm Melting...

The inner resistance that was underneath 90% of everything that I experience seems to be disintegrating. Maybe the fact that I noticed that it's there and acknowledge that it's futile? Dare I say that sobriety has provided this insight? I guess I have to. I doubt I would be having this conversation if I was still drinking. I've heard 5 years is really how long it takes for your mind/body/spirit to truly recover and begin to grow up. People in the fellow ship have said that they were "stuck" developmentally at the age they started to drink seriously. That makes some people an emotional age of 10 or 15. For me it's more like 25 unless you count smoking which allowed me to start stuffing my feelings when I was 8.

A lot of these rebellious thoughts and feelings feel young to me. Do any adults out there still resist taking a shower or bath? Maybe they do... who knows. Chances are I'm not as unique as I think I am! The resistance is mostly around things and not people... too much to carry, to hard to clean... no vacuuming or dusting or cleaning of any kind is a real pain. Driving somewhere... anywhere... I've been working on that trying to remember when I got my permit to drive, what it felt like and how much fun it was to drive anywhere.

Apparently I have a built in resistance to almost anything repetitive... hello exercise,  My entire energy of mind is spent avoiding and/or making every action or series of actions as frugal and efficient as possible to avoid any and all unnecessary movement. So let me just acknowledge right here what a mind fuck I've been doing to myself all by myself for what, decades? SFD (SHIT FUCK DAMN - Acronym courtesy of Flo B and Johnna)! The truly frightening thing is that it was so automatic I barely noticed it. I did NOT wake up to the idea it was an OPTION until just recently. My clue started in the morning making coffee. Maybe because I was "fresh" after sleeping... I would notice how I agonized over which coffee can was fullest, which should be used up first to conserve space or not be old, which flavor I might want later, what would Chris want, should I mix them, do I take the extra few minutes to filter the water?... OMG!! That's an incomplete glimpse of what my mind/thoughts were doing to me CONSTANTLY! 

Perhaps now you can imagine my relief at unraveling this mess of thoughts?! It is a deliverance into a whole new world. The bars of a hither to unseen prison... MELTING before my eyes. A part of myself going away as well... Wow!  It's like being on edge, knowing something is weird and off... wondering about it, working on resolution then realizing: "There is jarring acid rock music on low in the background ALL THE TIME!" That's what's making me anxious and I was so used to it that I didn't even realize it was there... (substitute any type of music that you hate).

So, on the bright side... I promise to only use this knowledge for the good of myself and mankind! I have a creative brain that CAN make anything fun and interesting... and I possess complete control of my perspective and reaction. I got the crazy idea to listen to comedy skits while I exercise... So THAT IS FUN! I get my laughter exercise, a big smile and my exercise all at once. Did I mention the time flies? Pandora has comedy channels, yes!

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