I'm normally so optimistic and upbeat it's so bizarre and uncomfortable when I go through a cycle of dark days. It's also such a huge shot of adrenaline to come out the other side grateful and astonished and full of wonder. I am still remembering it is natural and routine to continue to peal away layers and go through rhythms of waves... The waves and rhythms are slightly different each time so I still don't fucking realize that's what happened until, like now... it's over and passed or past. I've popped to the surface a bit breathless but alive and well and ultimately better off for having the experience.
It's only useful to write about it as a way of cleansing and putting it in perspective and I continue to hope that, perhaps, it might help me recognize what's happening more quickly next time.
The first clue I had was waves and waves of self destructive, denigrating, extremely paranoid and believable thoughts about myself. I called my skills, my relationships, my experience, my sanity into question. It was a long dark lonely week. Freakish and fucking FUNKY! What saved me was #1 my awareness that the shit hit the fan and the thoughts were out of control... and #2 ASKING for help! Since I wasn't writing at the time I especially needed the calm and sane ear to turn to to listen and reflect and ask intelligent questions.
It's a relief and also annoying to sit here now realizing that the hell I put myself through was, of course, completely self created and totally avoidable. Enough tear down, we're here now, and I will be writing more often again. Shit, how the fuck do I keep forgetting this??!!
I'm always listening... to authors on tape, to friends, to family, to the many voices in my own head. It can be a bit overwhelming. Would I listen to a mentor if one presented? I have learned through tough lessons that my only best teacher is right inside this heart of mine. Each well meaning guide brings their own perspective, their own limitation and fear. The best sort of mentor is one that shows by example, that mirrors and points to available moments of awareness without judgement or fixing.
This is the reason I am drawn to the Courage & Renewal program. The touchstones are close to most authentic for me. There are great things in the Course in Miracles and I'm currently listening to Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein... I also resonate with Conversations with God and Mike Dooley's flamboyant persona... Louise Hay's solid wisdom, Deepak, the list goes on and on. I'm sober three years today. I've woken up and grown up so much in three years. I'm floating around in limbo right now somewhat serenely. I am my own heroine and lover and mother and father. I am the witness to the beauty and the pain, the breezes and drama, the joy and love, the anger and judgement... I am just watching all of this and wondering still what part I may choose to play and to what purpose.
So I suppose at the heart of it I am surrendering & listening still with wonder.
Note to self... the most mysterious, mind blowing and overwhelming challenge is to understand and care for this very vehicle I'm inhabiting in this life. Maybe that's why we're here... just to test drive the human body. We're part of a massive beta project putting this physical being through it's every pace in every possible iteration...
Just thinking. Scary, I know.
I have felt so heavy the last week or so... not jumping and excited and my normal self... It was a full moon last night and I feel so much better this morning. I just added all the full moon dates for the rest of the year to my calendar with an email notification sent out 1 week prior so I can be aware of my disposition and track it.
I know there is a relationship... like Mercury Retrograde, all there is to do is to be aware.
That's all for now...
What are full moons called and when are they in 2017?
"My mother used to tuck me in at night and say: 'Sweet dreams and you will sleep in the arms of Morpheus.' It felt so comforting and safe. Where do you think my Mother got the idea to use that phrase? " This was a question posed this morning to Martha and Grant on the radio show A Way With Words. You can listen to the program to get the answer they provided.
At first I was aware that I wasn't aware of Morpheus and I had an excellent teacher in Greek and Roman mythology in school. A God of Dreams would have stuck with me I think. Bummer, Miss. Baumberger, I must of missed that day. My next thoughts focused on how the woman appreciated the fact that her mother sent her off to dreamland each night in the arms of a protective safe figure. My own practice before bed was "If I die before I wake..." SHIT... really?! It amazes me that I was so traumatized as a child... along with a huge percentage of others I imagine. I'm saying this tongue in cheek of course... but NOT...
I've been reading / listening "Mindfulness" by Ellen Langor the mother of modern non-spiritual mindfulness. She mentions an experience: while eating dinner at a friends house she noticed and was annoyed that the fork was not on the proper side of the plate. Upon mindful consideration of her reaction she realized that the source of annoyance led back to a simple table setting lesson provided by her mother when she was very small.
It's a great and simple example of how many years later experiences or perceptions can impact our present experiences. I often wish I'd had more informed or thoughtful parents but there's nothing to do about that now. It has made me who I am. I can at least be aware of their instructions and make mindful choices.
Just sayin' I am an adult now... mostly -ish
I just did a fun and interesting google search for various phrases related to the Thelma and Louise quote in the title. Excellent and thought provoking. I am slapped in the face again... "be comfortable with being uncomfortable" is very similar to "no pain no gain" I'm just not sure I agree. I have to admit that I have learned a lot, on occasion, when I was uncomfortable. The last day of the Landmark Forum comes clearly to mind. Breakthroughs have definitely been previewed by discomfort. On the other hand I also know that epiphanies come through in quiet moments of writing and reflection.
Oh, silly me... it's NOT "EITHER OR..."
imagine that! It's actually NOT BLACK OR WHITE...
it's a CHOICE or a PARADOX... Yippee!
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!