I'm normally so optimistic and upbeat it's so bizarre and uncomfortable when I go through a cycle of dark days. It's also such a huge shot of adrenaline to come out the other side grateful and astonished and full of wonder. I am still remembering it is natural and routine to continue to peal away layers and go through rhythms of waves... The waves and rhythms are slightly different each time so I still don't fucking realize that's what happened until, like now... it's over and passed or past. I've popped to the surface a bit breathless but alive and well and ultimately better off for having the experience.
It's only useful to write about it as a way of cleansing and putting it in perspective and I continue to hope that, perhaps, it might help me recognize what's happening more quickly next time.
The first clue I had was waves and waves of self destructive, denigrating, extremely paranoid and believable thoughts about myself. I called my skills, my relationships, my experience, my sanity into question. It was a long dark lonely week. Freakish and fucking FUNKY! What saved me was #1 my awareness that the shit hit the fan and the thoughts were out of control... and #2 ASKING for help! Since I wasn't writing at the time I especially needed the calm and sane ear to turn to to listen and reflect and ask intelligent questions.
It's a relief and also annoying to sit here now realizing that the hell I put myself through was, of course, completely self created and totally avoidable. Enough tear down, we're here now, and I will be writing more often again. Shit, how the fuck do I keep forgetting this??!!
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!