Chris got amazing tickets to Dead & Company at SPAC this last Tuesday night. As part of our VIP, Premier package we received "PIT PASSES" A black "paper" bracelet that was installed on my right wrist. OK so now, a couple of days later it doesn't seem like such a big deal but in that moment, for that evening it was HEAVEN. I was able to move amongst the crowds of people with freedom. There were at least 5 check points between the bathrooms and concessions and the "Pit." At each point, while others had to show their tickets and pause for the attendant to decipher their validity... I raised my right hand, flashed my bracelet and moved forward unobstructed. It WAS FUCKING AWESOME!! I will remember this experience and use it as an analogy for FREEDOM in the future! I'm am quite certain there are any number of situations where I can wish for a "PIT Pass" in life. Hey, at least I have a dream!!
Since my "breakthrough" a couple of weeks ago I've been playing with and paying attention to what I eat, when and what's going on... like "WHY am I eating this now?" I am such a big fan of asking questions... open and honest questions without judgement or fixing... ;-)
Am I hungry?
How hungry am I?
What does it feel like... ?
Am I REALLY hungry?
Do I feel like eating something in particular?
I'm going for more peanuts... wow, what's up with that? The crunch? the salt... is this gluttony?
"Viewing this meal as medicine. I shall enjoy it without GREED or ANGER..
Not out of GLUTTONY nor out of PRIDE. Not to fatten myself but only to NOURISH my BODY."
This Buddhist Tibetan prayer from The Book of Joy got me thinking... was a catalyst to a conversation and awareness about what I am thinking about when I eat.
I modified the prayer as follows... "Viewing food as medicine. I shall enjoy it without DESPERATION or SCARCITY. Not as a REWARD or REMUNERATION or OBESSSION... but only to NOURISH my body. Imagine that!! =)
My aversion to and discomfort with emotions is baffling and powerful. (You thought I was going to say alcohol... it is too... but that's not where I'm at this particular morning.) Today I am truly baffled. I'm stoic about something I "should" be emotional about and choking up about all kinds of "silly Shit" that makes absolutely no sense. I just don't get it!
So I'll be more specific and perhaps that will trigger something... My adorable, wonderful cute and cuddly pet guinea pig is ill... suffering and at the vet right now with Chris. She may be put to sleep rather than suffer a bladder stone surgery and suffering. Chris is sensitive and emotional. I am NOT... I'm numb. I'm avoiding thinking about it. Chris is caring and sentimental taking videos and giving her her favorite "last meal." I took a video too... so I could record the purring sounds she makes and I cut up watermelon and mini cuc's... I guess I did the same things.. I just had a mini tearful rush... but it get's cut off. It's not even conscious. I started to tear up, realized what was happening and it was over... The thought of not hearing her purring sounds can get me going again...
Why am I so afraid to express my emotions? Why am I so unconsciously conditioned to choke the off and stunt or stuff them? John D, my "coach" said it's very old. To stop and breathe and recognize the little child and hold her. My Grandmother McCauley always told me it was OK to cry. She was the only one. Going back in time does not really help though. I guess breathing and taking a moment to be COMPASSIONATE with myself is the key. Loving and kind... maybe talking to myself.. "It's OK!" "You're safe." "It's fine and good to express your emotions, to be sad, to cry and sob!" "It's good!" Maybe I just have to practice?
So I just got a text from Chris. The pig has two tiny stones that will pass. No euthanasia today. Now I'm tearful out of relief. I'm also relieved that I let him take her to the vet. He went to a different much more caring and supportive vet than our normal one. I would have suffered through our regular vet and who knows what the outcome would have been. I was beating myself up for not taking her myself and now I'm so grateful and I have to remember to TRUST MYSELF and not constantly question my choices!!
A friend recently turned me on to an app called Insight Timer. (I think I mentioned it before.) I have started using it in the morning... One very deep throat-ed fellow sounds luscious in the morning. I finally have an entire day off and find myself listening to numerous options for morning meditations.
Just like everything else there are so many choices. It's a bit overwhelming, but the more I listen the more particular I become... the type of voice I find soothing but motivating, music in the background or not. They all talk about breathing of course... but beyond that the visuals created vary tremendously - tree trunks from your spine... swirling peace pools... you know, the regular - average meditatee stuff...
How do you check in energetically with a voice sound? It is from the gut. There are some "holier than thou" judgmental voices... Yep, right there, I'm listening. Would someone else hear that? I'm sure it's most certainly all me but it feels a bit like a throw down challenge... RELEASE THAT!... or else... you're going to torture yourself like an idiot all day... be GRATEFUL or you are assuredly a buffoon. Have gratitude for your gratefulness... or perish...
Properly screening these meditations before actually activating them when I'm just waking and slumberous, drowsy and vulnerable... seems so essential... God forbid my attempt to "start a magical day" would inadvertently ruin my entire day by listening to some bossy judgmental meditatee guy or gal. I am joking and serious... having fun... with meditation. Meditate that!
(The banners at the top change when ever I feel like changing them, of course. I have been thrilled and excited lately to relish and enjoy the scenes offered at a simple home and garden center... nursery, if you will, and my all fabulous phone camera. Excellent!)
There's nothing new here... I've been disappointed by birthdays my entire life. I can remember my Mother working hard and on occasion a birthday party or event ended up being grand and fabulous. Trips to Elitches... the best amusement park EVER in Denver... Nanci and Kim would even remember those, we're still friends.
I am working on the expectations and apparently not having much luck. I thought I had reduced my expectations enough to avoid the let down feeling. Apparently not.
I'm running on and I have no real point. I was very happy to get numerous text messages and see all the well wishes and notes from people on Facebook. I actually went through and responded personally to about 40 out of 48. However, a real card, in the mail is still my personal preference for birthday wishes... give me time. I'll get over it. I'll stop being so nostalgic, maybe... maybe not...
When I checked my gmail account yesterday morning I knew immediately that something was drastically wrong... there were 378 unread messages. What? Shit!? Scrolling through them I quickly decided to report 90% as spam... a bunch from Word Press but a whole host of others that were all quite pleasant and excited to hear from me! What do you know! Apparently someone or some random bot program was using my email address to sign up for all sorts of free information, newsletter subscriptions, and on and on... That's odd!
So... just an aside... I googled "hijacked my email" and got lots of articles returned regarding what to do if your email address list is hijacked and everyone in your contact list starts to receive SPAM. This is not what happened. At least no one that I know has received emails from me... SO... I'm not sure what the term is for what's happened/ing to me. I quickly did select all check box and hit the spam button until I was down to one page of actual emails.
I continued to receive excited congratulation messages from all sorts of sites throughout the day and began unsubscribing and sending little notes along to the people explaining what was happening. They are all people behind these sites after all. Somewhere at some point someone created that contact me or subscribe here spot for a reason, right?
Maybe this is the beginning of a new cyber etiquette conversation. In the face of adversity and upset, just be kind and don't blame people who really are also unwitting victims of the same program. Right?
At the same time and perhaps connected and perhaps not... (who knows, really, who cares). As I zeroed in on the legitimate emails in my box I noticed three messages from eBay 1: you changed your password didn't you?... and 2: so happy that I purchased a Macbook... ME? a Macbook? I don't think so! TWO of them actually. Well FUCK! This is a different sort of digital trespass . So I commenced calling... eBay, PayPal and Chase. With relative calm and composure I explained to each there was a BREECH of security.
On the recommendation of a friend I installed an app called Insight Timer.
There are thousands of meditations all lengths, with and without words. The timer is an interesting feature along with groups and various things. I came upon a 10 minute morning meditation by Jonathan Lehmann that is very nice... a little hard to understand the fellow... deep voice and a bit low but not bad in my very uninformed view =) Toward the end he lists seven affirmations for the day... shown below. This inspired me to create my own. Excellent exercise! I highly recommend it. Use his and mine as fire starters and perhaps create something fun for yourself.
7 Affirmations for the day Jonathan Lehmann
7 Daily Affirmations by Laurie McCauley
What shall I forgive this day to amuse and delight?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!