Cunning, Baffling & Powerful

My aversion to and discomfort with emotions is baffling and powerful. (You thought I was going to say alcohol... it is too... but that's not where I'm at this particular morning.) Today I am truly baffled. I'm stoic about something I "should" be emotional about and choking up about all kinds of "silly Shit" that makes absolutely no sense.  I just don't get it!

So I'll be more specific and perhaps that will trigger something... My adorable, wonderful cute and cuddly pet guinea pig is ill... suffering and at the vet right now with Chris. She may be put to sleep rather than suffer a bladder stone surgery and suffering. Chris is sensitive and emotional. I am NOT... I'm numb. I'm avoiding thinking about it. Chris is caring and sentimental taking videos and giving her her favorite "last meal." I took a video too... so I could record the purring sounds she makes and I cut up watermelon and mini cuc's... I guess I did the same things.. I just had a mini tearful rush... but it get's cut off. It's not even conscious. I started to tear up, realized what was happening and it was over... The thought of not hearing her purring sounds can get me going again... 

Why am I so afraid to express my emotions? Why am I so unconsciously conditioned to choke the off and stunt or stuff them? John D, my "coach" said it's very old. To stop and breathe and recognize the little child and hold her. My Grandmother McCauley always told me it was OK to cry. She was the only one. Going back in time does not really help though. I guess breathing and taking a moment to be COMPASSIONATE with myself is the key. Loving and kind... maybe talking to myself.. "It's OK!" "You're safe." "It's fine and good to express your emotions, to be sad, to cry and sob!" "It's good!" Maybe I just have to practice? 

So I just got a text from Chris. The pig has two tiny stones that will pass. No euthanasia today. Now I'm tearful out of relief. I'm also relieved that I let him take her to the vet. He went to a different much more caring and supportive vet than our normal one. I would have suffered through our regular vet and who knows what the outcome would have been. I was beating myself up for not taking her myself and now I'm so grateful and I have to remember to TRUST MYSELF and not constantly question my choices!!

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