...to become what you might have been..." George Elliot
What an amazing and wonderful idea to start a day with! I get to tell all those judgmental nasty thoughts to take a back seat. I'm renewed in my thought editing and reminded that anything is possible and why not make everything fun!?
The news was just incredibly annoying so I switched to Pandora and this is the song that came up... very complimentary to the Eliot quote!
Over The Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow.
Why, oh, why can't I?
Rainbows are IN right now... Saint Patrick's day is coming. How did I never notice the connection before? Enough said for now, I feel. Make it a happy day. Don't blush if your divinity is showing!
"A vision keeps the Wealthy Soul focused on the path and not on the boulders."
Michael Norwood, author of the Wealthy Soul Series
I had planned to try to express my feelings regarding Chris, my partner. The longer the two of us are sober the more interesting and fun it becomes. So that sounds lame and this is going to take it to a whole new level of kitch... This song just came up on my Pandora channel, the Carpenters
"We've Only Just Begun"
We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun
Before the rising sun we fly
So many roads to choose
We start out walking and learn to run
And yes, we've just begun
Sharing horizons that are new to us
Watching the signs along the way
Talking it over just the two of us
Working together day to day
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes, We've just begun
You think that's corny? How about this! Bee Gees, yes, Bee Gees! =) How Deep Is Your Love? Just a bit of it... Love you Babe!
How deep is your love,
How deep is your love
I really mean to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I've recently been involved in an interesting email conversation. It's interesting because I rarely find myself in this particular role/position... as older sister. Also curious because at last count I had 8 or 9 younger half or step siblings. There's a reason I don't have children. I don't want to be in the position of providing advice to others. Quite frankly I don't believe I'm qualified.
I rarely seek advice, either, personally. I don't find that most people give useful advice. Not their fault really, it's just basically impossible for anyone to really understand any situation from "my Moccasins." I do have a great therapist whom I see occasionally. She's awesome but it's a rare find and we've spent years getting to know each other. I do have a few trusted friends I can consult on occasion too...
Anyway... I find myself being exceedingly cautious and intrigued at the same time. What a great learning opportunity!
What's up for me? Asking questions! This is a good chance to ask more questions. The Gift of Good Questions... =) It's challenging.
I've also been hearing and seeing and dreaming a lot about self control, will power and self discipline lately. Excellent! Even when listening to a food pod cast, The Splendid Table.
Canister quote for the day - 2 for 1 today:
"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything."
"Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result they get better answers." Anthony Robbins.
THAT WAS NOT PLANNED!! I swear I reached into the canister, dug around deep and those two just happened to come out!! I LOVE LIFE! Yeah!
There's a great website / program / app, whatever... that allows you to enter your interests and then it randomly pulls up websites to match. I've been playing with it for years now and it frequently provides some very interesting linkage. I love "going with the flow" and this is surfing with the flow at it's best. www.stumbleupon.com
I found what I'm beginning to recognize as a fellow traveler with similar perspectives... David at Raptitude.com. I just "happened" to be drawn to an article that he wrote on self discipline. LOVE IT... I adore the twisted perspective it provides. Twisted and accurate, based on my own personal experience. The Elegant Secret to Self Discipline... allow me to attempt a cliff note version... I like the Scifi references to time travel and multiple planes of existence.
David uses a banana in his example... I might reference a perfect red velvet cup cake. It can change planes in space: a desk a dining room table a shelf. It can change places in distance also as it moves from close at hand to somewhere in another room. It can also travel through time... it can wait an hour or a day or a year. It will still exist, maybe not as fresh and desirable! Here the idea of "Right Now David" and "Future David" is introduced as separate thinking feeling existing beings. Right Now David can rob Future David of the banana or red velvet cup cake. The core idea is that Right Now David frequently wins the "battle" in the moment...
"As I mature, I notice Right Now David getting better at sharing with his Future-based colleague, and I hope one day he is able to treat all other Davids as he treats himself. " ...
"The reality, I am somehow still gradually learning, is that Future David will actually be Right Now David at some real point in time, and not in an abstract way. At any given present moment, whether I realize it or not, I am the Future David that Past Davids have sold out in all sorts of ways. "
I find this interesting because I already relate to the different voices in my head as various members of an internal council or committee (per my Native American training). This article invites me to treat my short term impulsive voice and my long term discipline voice as just additional council members. It takes the weight off somehow. It also reduces the blame and guilt I automatically associate with following the impulse instead of the discipline.
The goal, again, as always is one of balancing the different needs and wants of the voices within. No one is better or worse... good or bad... they collectively represent myself in all my glory and grisliness...
Canister Quote today almost sounds like a fortune cookie slip.
"The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance; or the help of others; it is in yourself alone."
Orison Swett Marden (1850-1924 founder of Success Magazine)
So he's got some pretty awesome other quotes!
"When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time." Orison Swett Marden
Dig this guy! Thanks oh Canister of Wisdom!!
"There are powers inside of you which, if you could discover and use, would make of you everything you ever dreamed or imagined you could become." Orison Swett Marden
Click to read more... Makes me wonder if he was part of that secret society that they talk about in The Secret... =)
"The only things in your control are your thoughts and then your actions. Positive, powerful thoughts lead to positive, powerful actions, and when done with repeated consistency this cycle leads to greatness. Dream it! Pray for it! Believe it! Work for it! And then be ready when it happens." Greg Werner (Strength & Conditioning Coach)
Play Out Update: Day three complete. Why does it seem like so much longer? I love that every class is so different I haven't had the same set of muscles sore so far. Dave lent me a book, Becoming a Supple Leopard by Dr. Kelly Starrett, The Ultimate Guide to Resolving Pain, Preventing Injury, and Optimizing Athletic Performance. I've been checking it out and I did order one for myself. I've always enjoyed understanding how the body functions. This book is awesome. I can also put names to the various sore muscles and identify ways to stretch or "mash" them. Sweet! I feel excellent in spite of the traveling tendernesses. It's hard to explain... I just feel solid?, grounded?, less tippy?... boy that's official language if I ever heard it! The current tender area is the Teres Major from overhead press and practicing to do handstand push-ups. Yes, you read that right... handstand fucking push-ups, a handstand leaning on a wall then a push up! Holy Shit that's fucking awesome! NOTE: I've decided to "fast" on Tuesday and Thursdays starting next week. I will intentionally and consciously incorporate this into my schedule.
Journaling Update: I'm going to take a stab at summarizing. I attended my first business meeting as GSR for the Weekend Brunch Bunch. Part of the position description is to facilitate the meeting. There are 4 separate meetings so there is a disparate group of members, 4 chairpersons, 2 coffee makers, etc. It went pretty well for a first time. Now that I know the people involved I'll utilize Robert's Rules. (That's fun two things to study... anatomy and Robert's rules!) And I ramble... bottom line I said something during the meeting that kept popping up in my thoughts later in the day and even the next day. There was also a situation with a fellow AA person from Christmas time that popped up in a similar way. I decided to journal about these two examples to figure out why my mind fixated on these situations... I don't have an exact answer but some interesting things they had in common worth considering:
Enough said for now! Enjoying the SNOW! +)
What I'm aware of and present to is FREEDOM... long awaited, hard won. A gift I give to myself. The freedom is space in my head. A reprieve from the never ending chattering voice of reason regarding exercise and eating. Like the alcohol and cigarettes the voice is just gone. Retired perhaps? Or on an extended vacation that never ends? Perhaps dead? Maybe moved on to some other poor unsuspecting soul.
I wonder in a wistful way, occasionally, what it may have been like to be free of the three voices when I was much younger. It's an impossible voyage of curiosity, unknowable. There is only the present moment and gratitude that I am young still with many fabulous decades still ahead. I do still speculate as I look out my eyes and see others from a completely different perspective.
I sense the three days a week of planned workouts are a foundation, backbone, a cornerstone for a whole new odyssey of physicalness - of being aware of being a physical human. Excellent! I get the feeling they are a safe place from which to explore my strength and weakness, my hunger and pain and flexibility. There, here, right in front, behind, above and below is me... the blood and bone. Awesome! I'm no longer afraid, it's a safe exploration... a sanctioned pilgrimage. How is it this so? I have no fucking idea! I didn't even know I felt unsafe or disconnected until just now when the words came to me. I feel somehow at home in my bag of bones like never before. Did the voice shield me from this feeling before? Did it create so much doubt and fear that I didn't feel safe in my own skin? Holy Shit!
So now I plan to explore fearlessly... other exercises and eating. I still wish I could more clearly express the change, the transformation. It's totally weird! It's been a week exactly since my Clearness Committee experience in Burlington. That's crazy also, that a week has already flown by. I would have just finished my committee and be wondering around aimlessly trying to figure out what time it was and what I was going to do next... shit!
We have canister quotes and we have Rune pulling - there are also animal and fairy and other decks of fun cards to choose from! Today it's a Rune since the one at the retreat was so fucking powerful and spot on...
DAGAZ - Breakthrough - Transformation - Day
Here is the final Rune belonging to the Cycle of Initiation. Drawing Dagaz often signals a major shift or breakthrough in the process of self-change, a complete transformation in attitude, a 180-degree turn. For some, the transition is so radical that they are no longer able to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.
Because the timing is right, the outcome is assured although not, from the present vantage point, predictable. In each life there comes at least one moment which, if recognized and seized, transforms the course o that life forever. Rely, therefore, on radical trust, even though the moment may call for you to leap empty-handed into the void. With this Rune your Warrior Nature reveals itself.
A major period of achievement and prosperity is often introduced by this Rune. The darkness is behind you, daylight has come. Nevertheless, you are reminded not to collapse yourself into thoughts for the future or behave recklessly in your new situation. Considerable hard work can be involved in a time of transformation. Undertake to do it joyfully!
"Neither we, nor any other people, will ever be respected till we respect ourselves and we will never respect ourselves till we have the means to live respectfully." Fredrick Douglas
I had my first "work out" at CrossFit Soulshine yesterday. I'm choosing to call it a play out instead of a work out. Yes, I can, just because I said so! One of the many privileges of adulthood (free to be corny). So... I'm walking and sitting on the pot without major, ridiculous sore muscle pain. Thank you to Dave and to myself for not getting stupid. I walked in as a newbie knowing nothing with everything to learn. That's what I found... lots to learn. I LOVE learning! There were lots of snatches, clean, jerk and burpees on the menu for the day. Of course there is proper form involved which is great to learn through repetition. My new mindset of not being in a hurry all the time is serving me well.
I did my exercises without weight on my bar... the form is a little tricky. Bottom line? I'm thrilled. I feel great emotionally and mentally for finally following through with my commitment. There's that odd silence similar to when the switch flipped regarding smoking and drinking. COOL! Three hours per week for physical fitness and mental silence is a NO BRAINER... I'm not even going to try to figure out what took me so long... who cares! I'm going back every Monday, Wednesday and Friday indefinitely. There's fun stuff to learn and practice, a body to transform a mind to keep quiet and perhaps a competition in my future! It has peaked my curiosity as well... what will my body reveal? what will I feel like? what will I look like? There's mystery and magic in the conversation that is opened up by my patient consistency.
Summary: I am happy to report that I've flipped the switch (knock knock) and I'm in it for the long haul... OH and I'm having fun playing with the magic and curiosity of it all. Yeah Baby!
Watch the VIDEO!! What is CrossFit! https://www.crossfit.com/what-is-crossfit
WOW... so I am a total geek and, yes, I am a list making - post it posting - fool. It's undisputed, there's no resistance to this aspect of myself. I forget how I actually found Google Keep... it doesn't really matter (maybe that's why I forget shit??) At any rate I found a review of to do list programs and this one, Google Keep, was at the top of the list. Apparently released quietly and without fanfare a while back. OMG... I have to spell it out OH MY GOD!! What an amazing, easy, perfect fucking program. I paid for a life coach to help me develop a system that was exactly like this but on paper... which made it a pain in the ass and difficult, at best, to keep up to date. It's super easy to use, I can add photos and quotes, check stuff off, CAPTURE ALL MY IDEAS and TO DO's.
I was so thrilled and excited, you have no idea. I ran around the house rooting around for any and all post it notes I could find. They had random thoughts, books to read, websites to check, people to call, things to do... I found them ALL and categorized and added them to Keep. I looked in the bathroom, basement, glove box and coat pockets and purses. What a HUGE relief... it was as if all those scattered post its and lists represented my psyche and by gathering them all together I reclaimed some perspective and purpose, oh and control. This program is a boon - a godsend especially for the forgetful anal list maker.
I've also come across to do lists in odd notebooks from far past days and found it an interesting time capsule so I've created a folder and I'll capture the image of the list, like above, once a week or so as an archive. It's also a nice little back up... just in case!
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!