What I'm aware of and present to is FREEDOM... long awaited, hard won. A gift I give to myself. The freedom is space in my head. A reprieve from the never ending chattering voice of reason regarding exercise and eating. Like the alcohol and cigarettes the voice is just gone. Retired perhaps? Or on an extended vacation that never ends? Perhaps dead? Maybe moved on to some other poor unsuspecting soul.
I wonder in a wistful way, occasionally, what it may have been like to be free of the three voices when I was much younger. It's an impossible voyage of curiosity, unknowable. There is only the present moment and gratitude that I am young still with many fabulous decades still ahead. I do still speculate as I look out my eyes and see others from a completely different perspective.
I sense the three days a week of planned workouts are a foundation, backbone, a cornerstone for a whole new odyssey of physicalness - of being aware of being a physical human. Excellent! I get the feeling they are a safe place from which to explore my strength and weakness, my hunger and pain and flexibility. There, here, right in front, behind, above and below is me... the blood and bone. Awesome! I'm no longer afraid, it's a safe exploration... a sanctioned pilgrimage. How is it this so? I have no fucking idea! I didn't even know I felt unsafe or disconnected until just now when the words came to me. I feel somehow at home in my bag of bones like never before. Did the voice shield me from this feeling before? Did it create so much doubt and fear that I didn't feel safe in my own skin? Holy Shit!
So now I plan to explore fearlessly... other exercises and eating. I still wish I could more clearly express the change, the transformation. It's totally weird! It's been a week exactly since my Clearness Committee experience in Burlington. That's crazy also, that a week has already flown by. I would have just finished my committee and be wondering around aimlessly trying to figure out what time it was and what I was going to do next... shit!
What shall I create this day to amuse and delight?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!