I've been reminded lately that poetry writing is a choice for me. That I can write whenever I choose. I'm noticing lately through the Coming Home to Yourself Insight Time course by Sarah Blondin that I am actually afraid of me... myself... pain, vulnerability, let down, hurt, etc. etc.  The tattoos on my wrists need to keep speaking to me and I need to keep listening!

Surrender!
Pause to Wonder!

In the meantime I need to remember that even if the landscape looks repetitive and unchanging, facing what seems to be the same obstacles every day, day after day... I am making progress. The days were not the same each day in Ground Hog Day because the author had changed, the agent, the principle was always changing. So it is with me and my exploration. Don't be discouraged by what seems to be repetitive actions and observations... keep listening. The messages grow more subtle as the goal gets closer and closer. The distance from self love grows smaller and smaller, the focus more and more precise and clear and automatic until the switch flips and there is no going back. Going back is not an option because the pathway has been thoroughly cleared and considered.

Redesign In Mind

Out with the old - in with the oldest
I have a lot of forgetting to do.
To make space for remembering
what's true!

This life designed
with redesign in mind
every path a part
every road perfection

Assemble - pretend
Awaken - realize
Dismantle - examine
Rally & reform

My life - my thoughts - my values
My ideas - my hungers - my body
My beliefs - my habits -
My mouth speaking

All subject to change without notice
exhaustive categorical renovation
consistently underway
completion not expected
until death due us part

Surrender to Wonder
Listen without Judgement
Enjoy the Journey
This is your life!

Laurie McCauley 4-15-2019

So that title needs some crazy fun explanations, yes?! You may say, like me, a week ago... Pat Meth who? Chris has been getting us tickets to various concerts at The Egg for over a year now. Apparently, Chris saw Pat Metheny in 1995 and has been a fan ever since. He's a Jazz Guitarist. I would never have chosen this concert, until Saturday March 30, 2019 I was not a huge fan of the disjointed-rambling funky style of Jazz. I am now a convert. It's official, I have a Pat Metheny Pandora station. 
So that's not even half the story, I'm setting the stage... the last time I went to the Egg... for Robert Cray (also wonderful) - the lead in band was fucked up... the speakers or equalizer or some shit was horrible I was vibrating so hard I had to get up and go outside for a bit. Robert Cray's band was fine once he came on. I also had a seat next to a just a bit too enthusiastic fan who tapped his foot so hard it felt like the back of my chair was being kicked by a kid at the movies. Not a pleasant overall experience, enough said.

This time I took my intuition's cue and meditated before we left for the theater.  I was much more calm and relaxed and open minded over all! I got the message in the first 20 minutes to just close my eyes and "ride" the music. I've often wondered how Chris could sit and listen un-distracted to his music for hours and hours. I guess I got a glimpse of the possibilities of that type of listening. I just enjoyed it... I floated and flew and soared and dived... I swam through the sensations and was present to the feelings of the sounds permeating me and then continuing... forever... 

I got the sense of the wonderfulness of this particular arrangement with two additional amazing and talented musicians on stage the keyboard player, James Francies, and the drummer, Nate Smith. Holy fucking shit!! They sent me. I get chills just writing this. I could feel the spirits around listening also, like crammed in the space... CRAZY! It got me wondering, and this is the question that really moved me to another entire life breakthrough... wait for it... 

How do spirits hear without ears? How do they experience sounds without the physical body to translate the vibrations? Weird thought, right!? The answer I got back was not an explanation but a realization of how fucking lucky I am to have a body... something I never really appreciated before. I've tolerated it, feared it, dealt with it... acknowledged the complexity of it, feared it, frustrated by it... anything but true love and appreciation, honestly. Now the spirits are actually envious... they enjoy the music in their way but it is not the same and apparently not as "tasty." I know the word envy and spirits or universe in the same context seems really weird to me too.  I had never "dared" or even thought to think of my life and body on this planet as unique and enviable. 

I don't feel as if I'm explaining it very well... maybe I'll write a book. Bottom line of all the lifeforms in all the universes that I could partake in I am apparently extremely fortunate for multitudes of reasons to be involved with this particular one. And I finally get it, like really get it! I sat in the chair and just opened to all the sensual input - so much... from every sense, all the time.  CRAZY NUTS... that's what the big brain is for... we're storing all that info all the time? Like everyone has hyperthymesia (HSAM - Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory) our recall button just isn't hooked up. Maybe then when we "die" we get to keep all those awesome memories and sort through and relive and remember all sorts of things for a couple of lifetimes before we come around again? Who knows... just ideas that came to me.  That doesn't matter one way or the other. What does matter is now I appreciate and love life, every experience, every feeling without judgement... at least I'm aligned now to do that. The resistance and resentments slowly melting away. I don't want to jinx it... but it is a whole completely new perspective that I want to shout from the rooftops.

Stay tuned!