May you be free from fear... May you be free from desire...
May you be blessed with unity... May you be blessed with peace...
May you be blessed with unity... May you be blessed with peace...
If Chris accuses me of something I didn't do... I respond and get angry. Cause and Effect are pretty clear in this case and no mystery or puzzle is involved. Of course I can choose the intensity of my reaction, not react at all... speak - don't speak, take responsibility or not, a thousand shades of grey.
Lately my experience of emotions is more like being pinched in a crowd. You feel the pinch. You spin and search for the source of the nip. Occasionally the culprit comes clean but more often you're left wondering and on guard against being pinched again. WTF! So I may wake up in the morning with an anxious feeling in my stomach or get a rush of heat or intensity while sitting in a meeting or talking with someone. There's a feeling there but just like the crowd pinch the precise cause/effect relationship completely escapes me.
I've had various wise and experienced folks advise me to "take a moment."
Go inside and feel the feeling, don't shut it down or be fearful. Ask yourself quietly where it comes from and/or what it's about. Let it reveal it'self. Just speaking purely from reality... it's difficult to make time for that. And honestly I haven't had much success with deciphering anything useful. Good grief! The pinching rascal has ducked out of sight and moved on.
I'm constantly reminded of that character played by Peter MacNicol on the old Ally McBeal TV series who was constantly "Taking a moment." It was funny and annoying but I had no idea how brave and insightful that was.
All I can muster the gumption to do in the moment is PAUSE and NOT SAY ANYTHING. I observe and just keep my mouth shut. I don't ask myself anything I just sincerely try to avoid putting my foot in my mouth by saying something outrageous. Hey, that's a start. That's where I'm at with this anyhow. Who fucking knew emotions would be so difficult to ferret out and deal with! Shit!
Note: I am on the look out for a good replacement for the word Fuck. After my recent memory trip regarding my Grandparents... if they are watching I have a feeling the cursing is not something they approve of. Although I also imagine in heaven or wherever they are it probably doesn't matter a bit one way or the other. Any how, I am interested in at least exploring some options. FYI.
I used to hate commuting to work. It was wasted time between space, from here to there always in a hurry. Especially when I lived in LA the traffic is horrible all the time everywhere basically... it sucked. Even a short 5 mile commute from a Venice Beach neighborhood to Santa Monica was plagued by PCH backups. Later driving from Long Beach to Santa Monica even with my newly purchased "commuter lane" approved Prius it sucked... not a fan of "THE 405"... they predicate all highways with a "the" in LA because they are a basically members of the family... "how was the 405 today?" "Backed up between the airport and the Santa Monica FW... " "Again... yep..." blah blah...
The best commute ever was from my place on the boardwalk in Venice to Santa Monica... beach bikeways & the SM pier overpass are only crowded on weekends! Any who... I'm reminiscing again... apparently I'm in that mode. The point is I'm commuting now from Saratoga Springs to, our fair capital city, Albany. Not bad really... no REALLY.. compared to the 405 it's a luscious piece of Tiramisu! There's one little section that's a bottleneck near the twin bridges over the Hudson River... otherwise unless there's some sort of emergency situation it's pretty smooth sailing... about a 30-40 minute affair. SO>>> the point is I've eased the passage of time by listening to a book on Audibles. I listened over and over to the book of Joy... now I'm listening again to Becoming Wise. It's funny how you have to be in the right mood for some books. I didn't enjoy listening to it the first time.. the language and ideas were a bit overwhelming and felt untouchable. Now... for whatever reason I'm inspired.
Yep, so there's a chapter on hope and some thought provoking - eye opening observations worth sharing and that I would consider worth remembering and further exploring... =) a distinction... hope vs optimism... I hadn't considered before.
"Hope is a cognitive, behavioral process that we learn when we experience adversity, when we have relationships that are trustworthy, when people have faith in our ability to get out of a jam." (page 250)
HOPE IS BROKENHEARTED ON THE WAY TO BECOMING WHOLEHEARTED.
HOPE IS A FUNCTION OF STRUGGLE.
The next paragraph goes on to describe the process, I've just noticed as well, regarding remembering and relearning things we have already been through before... and, in my case, written about in poetry or journals. "There is another way to talk about the move from intelligence to wisdom - seeing basic realities again, finally, but for the first time with consciousness: evolution reflecting back on itself."
The most fun section helped me learn about life... myself reflecting back and beginning to become less resistant... everything involves struggle or bad times or waves, as I would say, of disturbance... the fact that I am persistent has been a golden light. She calls this resilience...
"Resilience is a successor to mere progress, a companion to sustainability. It acknowledges from the outset that THINGS WILL GO WRONG. All of our solutions will eventually outlive their usefulness. WE WILL MAKE MESSES, and disruption we do not cause or predict will land on us. THIS IS THE DRAMA OF BEING ALIVE... It's a shift from wish-based optimism to reality-based hope. It's akin to meaningful, sustained happiness - not dependent on a state of perfection or permanent satisfaction, but a way of being that can meet the range of emotions and experiences, light and dark, that add up to life. Resilience doesn't overcome failure so much as transmute it (gracefully), integrating it into the reality that evolves (life)."
I paraphrased a bit... there was another quote at some point that struck me...
"We are not here to save the world we're here to live in it Fierce and humble..." Courtney Martin. I'll have to find the exact quote... it was stupendous! I've got to run.
Still miss you guys! Damn! And, I was thinking maybe I'll cut back on the swearing. Gram wouldn't approve... AT ALL! "it's unladylike."
The house I grew up in is for sale. Wow. My mother and step Father have moved to their new digs in Longmont. The old place went on the market officially yesterday - open house this weekend... 825 W. 7th Ave. Dr. Broomfield, CO 80020. Yikes, that was the first address I ever memorized. I walked to kindergarten and walked home to this house for lunch every day. My Grandmother made snow bunnies and men and women in the yard here. There was a view when the trees were smaller and a short fence with her rose garden.
The utility room was Grandpa's workshop and used to have Grandma's kiln and china painting supplies. The "red room" hasn't been red for a long time and the space under the stairs isn't a mystical, secret hiding space any longer. The piano that was upstairs along with the old console record player hasn't been present or heard in a long time... except in my mind. The Aloha Hawaii Reader's Digest collection still plays in my memory (Tiny bubbles!) as I play dress up and barbie dolls with Carol from down the street. And Grandma plays piano and the two of them sip champagne as they put up the Christmas tree. OMG!
I can picture Grandpa shaving and brushing his teeth at the downstairs bathroom sink. I used to sleep in one of the twin beds in the front bedroom upstairs the one with the really weird red pointy pendant light. And I would run up an down the hill and hide and play. I crashed my trike and skinned my knee for the first time on that street and watched the birds and squirrels from the kitchen window. There was always African violets and the downstairs fire place going in winter and corned beef hash from the can or Lipton chicken noodle soup from the package! I could have died when I was blown off the slide at Kohl elementary and Grandma came to rescue me. I could go on and on and it was only me and them... no one else around to reminisce about these things...
I'm all choked up for Pete's sake good grief! I didn't realize how poignant it was until I started tripping down memory lane... shit! Well there it is.. times change and we all move on. They bought the house new in the 60's. Wow! Miss you Grandma and Grandpa... miss you guys a REALLY LOT!
August 19th - Update... the closing is on the 21st of August. Mom had to replace the 55 year old furnace! I added this post to my Facebook page on the day I wrote it and my cousin Rob had this to say. Very touching... thanks Rob! We'll all share some memories when I come home to visit.
From Rob Hug posted on Facebook July 28th, 2017 9am
Lots of good memories there. Where I learned to walk (Grandpa let me sip his beer then took it away, I went from crawling to miracle boy running in that one moment!). Countless days of lawn mowing and being happy to do it, some riding the bus up and having grandpa pay me double bus fair, to go home and come back, "that's how you know I think you did a good job, here's money to come back!". The lavender lotion, the crazy lamp, spending the night before snow storms to help shovel walks and the metal roof(!) Grandma teaching me to read, making rosaries, doing gymnastics and the bluejays that would sing to her. Grandpa standing near my bed with my newly broken arm joking about how with the Alzheimer's patients he was visiting, you only needed one good story, and could tell it over and over... great memories indeed! I hope someday I can be as good of a grandparent to my grandkids as they were to us!
David Whyte - Facebook Post July 18th
"is the deepest form of care, for another, for the world, for the self, for a life, for the body, for a family and for all our ideals, all vulnerable and all, possibly about to be hurt.
Stripped of physical imprisonment and violent reaction, anger points toward the purest form of compassion, the internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.
What we usually call anger is only what is left of its essence when it reaches the lost surface of our mind or our body’s incapacity to hold it, or the limits of our understanding. What we name as anger is actually only the incoherent physical incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies or our mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being.
What we have named as anger on the surface is the violent outer response to our own inner powerlessness, a powerlessness connected to such a profound sense of rawness and care that it can find no proper outer body or identity or voice, or way of life to hold it.
What we call anger is often simply the unwillingness to live the full measure of our fears or of our not knowing, in the face of our love for a wife, in the depth of our caring for a son, in our wanting the best, in the face of simply being alive and loving those with whom we live.
Our anger breaks to the surface most often through our feeling there is something profoundly wrong with this powerlessness and vulnerability; anger too often finds its voice strangely, through our incoherence and through our inability to speak, but anger in its pure state is the measure of the way we are implicated in the world and made vulnerable through love in all its specifics: a daughter, a house, a family, an enterprise, a land or a colleague."
It goes on... and I love it. What a unique and fabulous different way to consider the anger that I've been feeling so often lately. Thanks David Whyte! www.davidwhyte.com! He also posts amazing photos... I guess he is the photographer! Awesome!
SELF-PORTRAIT - David Whyte
It doesn’t interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
if you can know despair or see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes,
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living,
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
or the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have heard, in that fierce embrace,
even the gods speak of God.
Or maybe I should call it a sucker punch to the gut. It's the weirdest thing ever! I didn't sleep well again last night. Thoughts spinning, sure, but physical "intensity" "tenseness." (I didn't know that was a word.}
I'm attributing it to emotional responses to a work situation. Maybe that's wrong? Maybe it's totally unrelated and merely a physical response to something else entirely? WTF!?
That possibility didn't dawn on me until just this instant... that the two things may be completely unrelated... Let me play with that idea for a bit and check that out.
I'm going "in" folks. Wish me luck. Hopefully I won't get trampled by all the bat shit crazy squirrels running a muck in there!
I noticed yesterday that the fact that I had two years smober overshadowed (in a brilliantly awesome way) everything that happened or might happen yesterday. In other words as I went about my day and had a few interesting and potentially dire & stressful things on the horizon... the remembering that it's a special day to celebrate assisted in cruising right through the day. Somehow providing an instant "attitude adjustment."
A similar thing happens when I work out in the morning. For the rest of the day I have that "win" in my YOU ROCK column. Focusing on that for a moment makes me breathe and actually feel lifted and lighter. It literally removes some of the shadow of dread from whatever I happen to be ominously shuddersome about at the moment.
Is this a minor breakthrough and awareness of the amazingly obvious? Sweet! It's similar to remembering to feel grateful... but has a different energy. Gratitude is somewhat "humblie..." (yes my own new word) feeling... Celebration feels delightful, proud, satisfying and congratulatory rather than modest and quiet, abject and submissive.
Both are cool, don't get me wrong... it's not an either or thing at all. I'm just noticing how awesome celebrating feels. For the first fucking time? WTF!? Like really!
SO>>>> I'm pretty sure I can come up with something DAILY to
MAKE MERRY about...
BEAT THE DRUM... about
LET LOOSE and LIVE IT UP about...
MOST Excellent insight! Thanks!
It's easier to make the bed
when you're IN IT...
I can't remember which wise adult provided this advice to me as a small child or why I chose today to remember this. It's fun and probably a veiled manipulation and incentive to get a kid to make their bed...
It also endures because it is true on some level. You can, while still laying in your bed, nicely cozy and warm make actions like making a snow angle. This gets all the creases and bunches in the sheets moved to the edges and away. You can pull the covers up and over and around layer by layer so that when you carefully climb out finishing the process is a breeze. You can kind of drop out backwards and have fun with it... just sayin'... why not!? Start the day on a fun and efficient note instead of drudgery and grumpiness... or even mindless routine. Start out being creative and entertaining for your own personal self.
So I woke up this morning thinking this... interesting spin on many different aspects of life and living and learning and so forth. for pondering further another day... today actually 12/7/2017 I'm cleaning up all my draft blogs and finishing them. What fun!
So... there are so many different whirls. If you can't see the forest for the trees... that sucks. You have to realize you're in a forest. Well you don't HAVE to do anything it's just EASIER! Isn't there some other saying and lying in the bed you make...?
So I will leave further inspirations and ruminations to you... I just love to make my bed AND be IN IT!
"Worry is like a rocking chair. It uses up all your energy, but where does it get you?" Bob Gass
I had the gift of being raised by my grandparents until about the age of seven. Grandma was loving and supportive, positive, creative and wise. She was also a worry wort. It's in my DNA and my early environment. It's one more thing to pay attention to... and just say to myself... "Thanks for sharing... and choose another thought.
I believe we all have very sophisticated, advanced and beyond just instinctual on the physical level guidance systems. There's way more than flight or fight going on under this hood... astonishing and breathtaking. The trick is remembering and making a practice of fucking tuning in and following thru.
I've just come through some challenging times emotionally... well it's all emotional isn't it. IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE you are NOT OK! For god sake people if you're NOT OK... IT's OK!
I need to stop pretending that everything is OK or that it will be OK... maybe not! or fucking definitely not! If I don't acknowledge the facts and be HONEST how the hell am I suppose to really navigate the situation.
Seriously... it seems so simple but apparently it's NOT! We are conditioned so intensely to PRETEND "we got this..." not to show any flinching or vulnerability... NOT to ask for help or be frank and radically honest it's CRAZY, DEMENTED, DERANGED, DIPPY... INSANE, FRUITY, FLAKY - MANIACAL - Hey but still we fucking do it... at least I do all day every fucking day! YES FUCKING! SHIT!
How to get down and tell the truth? I have no idea other than constantly be OK with being UNCOMFORTABLE and PAUSING thoughtfully all the time... like before I say or do ANYTHING... ALL the time! SHIT! Not kidding here folks... it's funny but NOT.
I have this fabulous, amazing, UNBELIEVABLE, marvelous, PRIMO, top drawer, MIND-BLOWING internal guidance system available always all the time. Generally, in my experience it actually pretty much knows what to do in every situation and things largely turn out ok when I listen. There are times when I'm baffled by multiple choices... I think that's just a matter of practice and if I ask the specific question... which option is better... I've frequently heard... in a frank matter of fact tone... "It doesn't matter..."
So there you have it. The sooner I stop pretending, get honest and tune in and follow through with inner guidance tips and tricks the better off I will be!
Remember... new mantras...
I realized today how easy and natural - comfortable it is to answer "fine." when asked, "How it's going?"
The truth is it's not "fine" it's not OK at all and I need to stop pretending that it is and be honest.
Fast forward to 12/7/17 the day I've decided to finish all these blog posts that were saved in the day as a DRAFT. I remember this day and this comment especially. It did not feel safe to examine or post this in the moment. So here I am tidying up! Marie Kondo would be proud!
I'm the first to say, constantly, that "it will all be OK..." "That time will tell", "Not to worry!" "No worries!", "Don't worry be happy..." yadda yadda... you get the picture...
However, this summer (apparently right around July 22nd) I realized there is a time when you DO NEED TO WORRY... Not "worry", perhaps, but acknowledge when things are NOT OK and take appropriate action. What I realized, painfully, was you cannot continue to blindly stick with a plan and constantly brush your anxious feelings and repetitive stressful ponderings under the rug. In this case my "fears" were not "False Events Appearing Real"... they were REAL, appropriate, predictable and addressable legitimate fears. As long as I continued to ignore them, however and pretend everything was FINE they continued to grow in scope and begin to take very real and physical tolls.
Wow, so perhaps 90% of the time my fears are created by self created, imagination... the other 10% of the time I damn well better fucking pay attention. That was the distinction that I'm referencing in this post. Check in folks and be sure that what you're fearing is self created... check in, verify, communicate, analyze, whatever you need to do so that you can be sure you are "dismissing" a truly unfounded concern.
Enough said?! I certainly learned my lesson and, I think, managed to get out of it relatively unscathed.
I've created a mystical, magical creature who is golden and beautiful, unique and impervious, brilliant and impenetrable. This being knows things and understands and can communicate with spirits and energies and worlds and lifetimes. She is all knowing and all innocent naivety. She can bend time and see the future - arrows bounce off and the natural laws and much "human" wisdom does not apply. She knows best and can listen. Moving at the speed of light, too fast for this world, then too slow. She is the paradox in all and nothing. As walls tumble and worlds come crashing and everything that was known is unknown and seemingly unknowable... there is only plodding along - stay awake - and ask for help. Visions come and go we will see - time will tell - who it is that is left in the end.
"A thought which does not result in an action is nothing much, and an action which does not proceed from a thought is nothing at all." George Bernanos
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the
doorsill where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.
"The worst thing that one can do is not try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing." David Viscott
"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." Wayne Dyer
Interesting random quotes for the day. I was tempted to put them back and pick "better ones." What that means I'm not sure exactly. I was just reading a multipotentialite article on Puttylike.com and the first quote came in handy. I never comment on things but I feel safe on that site for some reason. Nice! That's a good feeling.
I don't feel like entering a laundry list of what I did and didn't do yesterday. suffice it to say that numerous items were checked off and I'm back here today. I can't believe it's Wednesday already, shit! I'm reaching inside today, deep inside and asking for help on the project. I need to feel good that I'm doing the best things and doing my best at them for the overall good of the project. It's hard to tell right now.
Today is a busy one... coaching, mentoring, being mentored, work, work, work, a Jeep checkup and dinner later at Lake George Club. Life is rough... what can I say? I'm CRAZY GRATEFUL! That's it!
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." Emerson
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." Twain
"If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, un-forgiveness, selfishness and fears." Glenn Clark
Wow, getting back to the business of living some sort of routine - good routines. The experiment that is mentioned in the first quote... Ho! I gave myself permission to be obsessed with the GS project for a short time. Didn't work out. I'm now officially used to being semi-retired. I am not interested in being consumed with work 24/7. I got the message loud and clear that healthy daily routines are required. I'm starting here...
I am declaring that yesterday 7-17-17 was a turning point, a tipping point, a shift in my body- mind- spirit- experience. My internal thought exercises are pretty simple and focused.
I was just foiled again... I think I may not be able to rely on the network here at Starbucks any longer. It blinked out and here I am - everything I just wrote for the last hour gone. That's the second time in a week or so. FUCK - FUCK - FUCK... I'm not nearly as nice and forgiving this time... FUCK!!!
So I'm done... I was done. I was just about to add the photos/images...FUCK!
BREATH... OK... so here we go again... in a nut shell I was listening to On Being... an episode called "First Aide for the Spiritual Seeks" interviewing Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavie... he's created what he's branded as: "a POP UP SYNAGOGUE - Everybody - Friendly, ARTIST DRIVEN, GOD - Optional."
I was listening to this on the way to the 8 am Big Book meeting and the text we read was a God Wink for me... pg xvii "AA is not a religious organization... we cooperate widely... we are an accurate cross section of America... Join us on a new road to freedom." pg xxiii "We are people who normally would not mix." a reference to pg 17 where my favorite analogy is laid out... we are a random group of survivors on a life boat with the sinking cruise ship in the background.
Two observations: First: I'm grateful for the founders of AA, for their foresight and wisdom. The religious leaders around the world are just now figuring out they need to be flexible and inclusive... I'm grateful after searching for 30 years that I found a sane community full of fabulous individuals who acknowledged straight away they are insane! Paradox baby!
Secondly... I appreciate the continuity of the radio show topic and the meeting and an overall feeling that the cloud has lifted and I'm back in the flow...
Until I fucking lost the whole entry due to a network glitch!! No, I'm back, I'm fine... happy, breathing, awake and God optional! I like that the symbol for Paradox an impossible triangle is the same as the symbol for AA... a triangle. Whoot, Whoot... Onward & Upward!
Great book title, don't you think!?
I've just come through a very crazy, depressing, angry space in time. I'm thrashing around playing with ways to clearly communicate it postmortem. I flinch a bit to say postmortem just in case I jinx things and it's not quite done.
I believe in the onion, the necessity to peel it, layer by layer. As much as I find myself hating the concept, there is no denying that there is no conclusion to and no endpoint, until death of course. We are constantly uncovering, learning, revealing, discovering things about ourselves, the planet and our fellow earth mates. I guess it's not a horrible design... if we ever actually arrived we'd be bored.
The wave is another concept I believe in. I'm not certain how far it goes or how it impacts specifically but the overall affect is easily observable. Like the ocean but different, slower or faster depending on the behavior or energies. For example... at the Secret Garden Tour and in retail in general... people came in waves... a large number... a waning then waxing number again. My emotions go in waves as well. Blame it on the moon and our % of H2O, whatever... This last wave was no fucking fun at all. It sucked!
For months now I've been working on a tech project that has had my head in a spin. It didn't help that I was also working on other clients and volunteer projects... and a new Sponsee and finding a mentor, coping with a seriously ill pet, a pending court date (for speeding) and never underestimate the power of the State of New York Health not to mention figuring out exercises that work and food choices that make me feel good. Lots of shit going on... a veritable emotional "Vortex" - NO SHIT! Coming from a person with an emotional maturity of about 3 years old... Vortex, No shit...
A co-worker came up with the word to describe it and actually that was the word that pulled me out. OMG - seriously folks... I COULD NOT SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES! I knew there was something seriously amiss... I had frequent sensations like a huge pit in my stomach. Being punched in the stomach or having my guts twisted by the hand of an invisible force. (I described it in previous blog entries...) What a perfect word to describe what had happened and it was spinning faster and more and more out of control. Holy Fucking Shit! Is that an acronym already? HFS, if not it should be...
It was a HUGE learning opportunity... and seriously very ironic that I received my new license plate "AWAKE" right in the midst of the madness. I was so stressed out I was waking up with a shock every morning. When I did sleep it was riddled with crazy, frantic, frenzied hysteria... completely out of control. THAT SUCKED! I was having to talk myself off a cliff every fucking morning. Over the July 4th holiday I had four days in a row to finally focus, without another client or loads of other stuff on my mind. FINALLY... I began to see the shadows of trees and trunks all around me. No clarity just yet but at least I had a fucking inkling that there was a fucking forest! HFS!
How do sober people deal with this shit? How do normal parents teach there children what the fuck to do with insane anger, stress, and over the top emotional responses? Obviously I have no clue, on the later question. ON the former... a network, being honest and hanging in there with your inner higher power... checking in, not checking out! SHIT! Easier said than done. HOLD ON... I do picture a tornado that's what it felt like a huge spinning force of nature that I was so much into I couldn't see my way out of.
I woke up, I set boundaries... I had conversations... I swallowed my pride (that was no problem!) I recognized my limitations and gratefully negotiated a new situation that, for now at least, is a MILLION times more workable. HFS... OMG. There's more I can and will write but not right now... =) for now, this is enough! I survived the storm and I'm better for it.
This is my third year being a captain at the annual Secret Garden Tour. Our organization the Soroptimists hosts this fund raising event each year. It's quite a production to recruit, prepare the gardeners and the captains and hostesses not to mention the ticket creation and sales... other fund raising and fun events at Sunnyside Gardens and Northshire Bookstore to promote the event. Anyhow... it's fun and the day is here.
I am assigned to 28 MacArthur Ave. Saratoga Springs. A wonderful, truly secret garden. You would never imagine from driving by the wealth of wonderful and somewhat exotic plants that call this garden home. What fun!
It's on from 11 am to 5 pm so I have a full day of hanging out and talking plants! =)
I've been waking up with dread and a nasty "pit in my stomach" for about a week now. This is a daily experience I can surely do without. Now what there is... to figure out how. Surely there are choices in there somewhere. choices I'm making that I could make differently if I only knew. An attitude adjustment, a fresh perspective, an enlightened point of view... maybe a shift in focus or a bit of tough love?
I'm working on a project and the tasks seem impossible. They are certainly overwhelming given the time frame and resources. The pit comes from wondering if I'm doing enough? Could or should I be doing something different? Should I recommend a different course of action? What will happen when various events become evident? While I dig into the moment in an attempt to just "get 'er done" I have haunting doubts and questions. I'm not certain I'm expressing my concerns effectively.
So there is now a personal experience with a haunting feeling of dread. Something more I can express and know how it feels. That's my bright side for the moment... a learning opportunity... I'll take what I can get!
Writing about something is the only way I know of to talk myself of a ledge (so to speak). Frequently I feel better, magically, without coming to any specific resolution or decision. So it is... this time again. Thank heavens!
Our precious guinea pig, Snickers, is also deathly ill and occasionally I hear her little pain riddled squeals and squeaks. The gravity or lack of shows up and I decide I can muster on, ask for help and just do the next right thing as it is presented.
Wow... I just typed for about an hour... and LOST IT! Apparently all the shit I just typed wasn't meant to be available for public consumption... let's see what I remember... I'm going to be exceedingly brief and to the point this time!
That is all...
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!