If Chris accuses me of something I didn't do... I respond and get angry. Cause and Effect are pretty clear in this case and no mystery or puzzle is involved. Of course I can choose the intensity of my reaction, not react at all... speak - don't speak, take responsibility or not, a thousand shades of grey.

Lately my experience of emotions is more like being pinched in a crowd. You feel the pinch. You spin and search for the source of the nip. Occasionally the culprit comes clean but more often you're left wondering and on guard against being pinched again.  WTF!  So I may wake up in the morning with an anxious feeling in my stomach or get a rush of heat or intensity while sitting in a meeting or talking with someone. There's a feeling there but just like the crowd pinch the precise cause/effect relationship completely escapes me. 

I've had various wise and experienced folks advise me to "take a moment." 
Go inside and feel the feeling, don't shut it down or be fearful. Ask yourself quietly where it comes from and/or what it's about. Let it reveal it'self. Just speaking purely from reality... it's difficult to make time for that.  And honestly I haven't had much success with deciphering anything useful. Good grief! The pinching rascal has ducked out of sight and moved on.

I'm constantly reminded of that character played by Peter MacNicol on the old Ally McBeal TV series who was constantly "Taking a moment."  It was funny and annoying but I had no idea how brave and insightful that was.

All I can muster the gumption to do in the moment is PAUSE and NOT SAY ANYTHING. I observe and just keep my mouth shut.  I don't ask myself anything I just sincerely try to avoid putting my foot in my mouth by saying something outrageous. Hey, that's a start.  That's where I'm at with this anyhow. Who fucking knew emotions would be so difficult to ferret out and deal with! Shit!

Note: I am on the look out for a good replacement for the word Fuck. After my recent memory trip regarding my Grandparents... if they are watching I have a feeling the cursing is not something they approve of. Although I also imagine in heaven or wherever they are it probably doesn't matter a bit one way or the other. Any how, I am interested in at least exploring some options. FYI.

I used to hate commuting to work. It was wasted time between space, from here to there always in a hurry. Especially when I lived in LA the traffic is horrible all the time everywhere basically... it sucked. Even a short 5 mile commute from a Venice Beach neighborhood to Santa Monica was plagued by PCH backups. Later driving from Long Beach to Santa Monica even with my newly purchased "commuter lane" approved Prius it sucked... not a fan of "THE 405"... they predicate all highways with a "the" in LA because they are a basically members of the family... "how was the 405 today?" "Backed up between the airport and the Santa Monica FW... " "Again... yep..."  blah blah... 

The best commute ever was from my place on the boardwalk in Venice to Santa Monica... beach bikeways & the SM pier overpass are only crowded on weekends! Any who... I'm reminiscing again... apparently I'm in that mode. The point is I'm commuting now from Saratoga Springs to, our fair capital city, Albany. Not bad really... no REALLY.. compared to the 405 it's a luscious piece of Tiramisu! There's one little section that's a bottleneck near the twin bridges over the Hudson River... otherwise unless there's some sort of emergency situation it's pretty smooth sailing... about a 30-40 minute affair. SO>>> the point is I've eased the passage of time by listening to a book on Audibles. I listened over and over to the book of Joy... now I'm listening again to Becoming Wise. It's funny how you have to be in the right mood for some books. I didn't enjoy listening to it the first time.. the language and ideas were a bit overwhelming and felt untouchable. Now... for whatever reason I'm inspired.

Yep, so there's a chapter on hope and some thought provoking - eye opening observations worth sharing and that I would consider worth remembering and further exploring... =) a distinction... hope vs optimism... I hadn't considered before.

"Hope is a cognitive, behavioral process that we learn when we experience adversity, when we have relationships that are trustworthy, when people have faith in our ability to get out of a jam." (page 250)

HOPE IS BROKENHEARTED ON THE WAY TO BECOMING WHOLEHEARTED.

HOPE IS A FUNCTION OF STRUGGLE.

The next paragraph goes on to describe the process, I've just noticed as well, regarding remembering and relearning things we have already been through before... and, in my case, written about in poetry or journals. "There is another way to talk about the move from intelligence to wisdom - seeing basic realities again, finally, but for the first time with consciousness: evolution reflecting back on itself." 

The most fun section helped me learn about life... myself reflecting back and beginning to become less resistant... everything involves struggle or bad times or waves, as I would say, of disturbance... the fact that I am persistent has been a golden light. She calls this resilience...

"Resilience is a successor to mere progress, a companion to sustainability. It acknowledges from the outset that THINGS WILL GO WRONG. All of our solutions will eventually outlive their usefulness. WE WILL MAKE MESSES, and disruption we do not cause or predict will land on us. THIS IS THE DRAMA OF BEING ALIVE... It's a shift from wish-based optimism to reality-based hope. It's akin to meaningful, sustained happiness - not dependent on a state of perfection or permanent satisfaction, but a way of being that can meet the range of emotions and experiences, light and dark, that add up to life. Resilience doesn't overcome failure so much as transmute it (gracefully), integrating it into the reality that evolves (life)."

I paraphrased a bit... there was another quote at some point that struck me...

"We are not here to save the world we're here to live in it Fierce and humble..." Courtney Martin. I'll have to find the exact quote... it was stupendous! I've got to run.

Still miss you guys! Damn! And, I was thinking maybe I'll cut back on the swearing. Gram wouldn't approve... AT ALL! "it's unladylike."

The house I grew up in is for sale. Wow. My mother and step Father have moved to their new digs in Longmont. The old place went on the market officially yesterday - open house this weekend... 825 W. 7th Ave. Dr. Broomfield, CO 80020. Yikes, that was the first address I ever memorized. I walked to kindergarten and walked home to this house for lunch every day. My Grandmother made snow bunnies and men and women in the yard here. There was a view when the trees were smaller and a short fence with her rose garden.

The utility room was Grandpa's workshop and used to have Grandma's kiln and china painting supplies. The "red room" hasn't been red for a long time and the space under the stairs isn't a mystical, secret hiding space any longer. The piano that was upstairs along with the old console record player hasn't been present or heard in a long time... except in my mind. The Aloha Hawaii Reader's Digest collection still plays in my memory (Tiny bubbles!) as I play dress up and barbie dolls with Carol from down the street. And Grandma plays piano and the two of them sip champagne as they put up the Christmas tree. OMG!

I can picture Grandpa shaving and brushing his teeth at the downstairs bathroom sink. I used to sleep in one of the twin beds in the front bedroom upstairs the one with the really weird red pointy pendant light.  And I would run up an down the hill and hide and play. I crashed my trike and skinned my knee for the first time on that street and watched the birds and squirrels from the kitchen window. There was always African violets and the downstairs fire place going in winter and corned beef hash from the can or Lipton chicken noodle soup from the package! I could have died when I was blown off the slide at Kohl elementary and Grandma came to rescue me. I could go on and on and it was only me and them... no one else around to reminisce about these things...

I'm all choked up for Pete's sake good grief! I didn't realize how poignant it was until I started tripping down memory lane... shit! Well there it is.. times change and we all move on. They bought the house new in the 60's. Wow! Miss you Grandma and Grandpa... miss you guys a REALLY LOT!

August 19th - Update... the closing is on the 21st of August. Mom had to replace the 55 year old furnace! I added this post to my Facebook page on the day I wrote it and my cousin Rob had this to say. Very touching... thanks Rob!  We'll all share some memories when I come home to visit.
From Rob Hug posted on Facebook July 28th, 2017 9am
Lots of good memories there. Where I learned to walk (Grandpa let me sip his beer then took it away, I went from crawling to miracle boy running in that one moment!). Countless days of lawn mowing and being happy to do it, some riding the bus up and having grandpa pay me double bus fair, to go home and come back, "that's how you know I think you did a good job, here's money to come back!". The lavender lotion, the crazy lamp, spending the night before snow storms to help shovel walks and the metal roof(!) Grandma teaching me to read, making rosaries, doing gymnastics and the bluejays that would sing to her. Grandpa standing near my bed with my newly broken arm joking about how with the Alzheimer's patients he was visiting, you only needed one good story, and could tell it over and over... great memories indeed! I hope someday I can be as good of a grandparent to my grandkids as they were to us!

Or maybe I should call it a sucker punch to the gut. It's the weirdest thing ever! I didn't sleep well again last night. Thoughts spinning, sure, but physical "intensity" "tenseness." (I didn't know that was a word.}

I'm attributing it to emotional responses to a work situation. Maybe that's wrong? Maybe it's totally unrelated and merely a physical response to something else entirely? WTF!? 

That possibility didn't dawn on me until just this instant... that the two things may be completely unrelated... Let me play with that idea for a bit and check that out.

I'm going "in" folks. Wish me luck. Hopefully I won't get trampled by all the bat shit crazy squirrels running a muck in there!

stay tuned... 

I noticed yesterday that the fact that I had two years smober overshadowed (in a brilliantly awesome way) everything that happened or might happen yesterday. In other words as I went about my day and had a few interesting and potentially dire & stressful things on the horizon... the remembering that it's a special day to celebrate assisted in cruising right through the day. Somehow providing an instant "attitude adjustment."

A similar thing happens when I work out in the morning. For the rest of the day I have that "win" in my YOU ROCK column. Focusing on that for a moment makes me breathe and actually feel lifted and lighter. It literally removes some of the shadow of dread from whatever I happen to be ominously shuddersome about at the moment. 

Is this a minor breakthrough and awareness of the amazingly obvious? Sweet! It's similar to remembering to feel grateful... but has a different energy. Gratitude is somewhat "humblie..." (yes my own new word) feeling... Celebration feels delightful, proud, satisfying and congratulatory rather than modest and quiet, abject and submissive. 

Both are cool, don't get me wrong... it's not an either or thing at all. I'm just noticing how awesome celebrating feels. For the first fucking time? WTF!? Like really!

SO>>>> I'm pretty sure I can come up with something DAILY to

​CELEBRATE...
PROCLAIM...
PRAISE...
OBSERVE... 
EXTOL...
JUBILATE...
CROW about... 
MAKE MERRY about...
BEAT THE DRUM... about
LET LOOSE and LIVE IT UP about...

MOST Excellent insight! Thanks!

It's easier to make the bed
when you're IN IT...
​
I can't remember which wise adult provided this advice to me as a small child or why I chose today to remember this. It's fun and probably a veiled manipulation and incentive to get a kid to make their bed... 

It also endures because it is true on some level. You can, while still laying in your bed, nicely cozy and warm make actions like making a snow angle. This gets all the creases and bunches in the sheets moved to the edges and away. You can pull the covers up and over and around layer by layer so that when you carefully climb out finishing the process is a breeze. You can kind of drop out backwards and have fun with it... just sayin'... why not!? Start the day on a fun and efficient note instead of drudgery and grumpiness... or even mindless routine. Start out being creative and entertaining for your own personal self.

So I woke up this morning thinking this... interesting spin on many different aspects of life and living and learning and so forth. for pondering further another day... today actually 12/7/2017 I'm cleaning up all my draft blogs and finishing them. What fun! 

So... there are so many different whirls. If you can't see the forest for the trees... that sucks. You have to realize you're in a forest. Well you don't HAVE to do anything it's just EASIER! Isn't there some other saying and lying in the bed you make...? 

So I will leave further inspirations and ruminations to you... I just love to make my bed AND be IN IT!

731 days and counting! Whoot - Whoot!  Don't miss it a damn bit either!

Canister Quote
"Worry is like a rocking chair. It uses up all your energy, but where does it get you?" Bob Gass

I had the gift of being raised by my grandparents until about the age of seven. Grandma was loving and supportive, positive, creative and wise. She was also a worry wort. It's in my DNA and my early environment. It's one more thing to pay attention to... and just say to myself... "Thanks for sharing... and choose another thought.

I believe we all have very sophisticated, advanced and beyond just instinctual on the physical level guidance systems. There's way more than flight or fight going on under this hood... astonishing and breathtaking. The trick is remembering and making a practice of fucking tuning in and following thru.

I've just come through some challenging times emotionally... well it's all emotional isn't it. IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE you are NOT OK! For god sake people if you're NOT OK... IT's OK!

I need to stop pretending that everything is OK or that it will be OK... maybe not! or fucking definitely not! If I don't acknowledge the facts and be HONEST how the hell am I suppose to really navigate the situation.

Seriously... it seems so simple but apparently it's NOT! We are conditioned so intensely to PRETEND "we got this..." not to show any flinching or vulnerability... NOT to ask for help or be frank and radically honest it's CRAZY, DEMENTED, DERANGED, DIPPY... INSANE, FRUITY, FLAKY - MANIACAL - Hey but still we fucking do it... at least I do all day every fucking day! YES FUCKING! SHIT!

How to get down and tell the truth? I have no idea other than constantly be OK with being UNCOMFORTABLE and PAUSING thoughtfully all the time... like before I say or do ANYTHING... ALL the time! SHIT! Not kidding here folks... it's funny but NOT.

I have this fabulous, amazing, UNBELIEVABLE, marvelous, PRIMO, top drawer, MIND-BLOWING internal guidance system available always all the time. Generally, in my experience it actually pretty much knows what to do in every situation and things largely turn out ok when I listen. There are times when I'm baffled by multiple choices... I think that's just a matter of practice and if I ask the specific question... which option is better... I've frequently heard... in a frank matter of fact tone... "It doesn't matter..."

So there you have it. The sooner I stop pretending, get honest and tune in and follow through with inner guidance tips and tricks the better off I will be! 

Remember... new mantras...

• It's OK if it's NOT OK!!  
• It's OK to be UNCOMFORTABLE and ASK for HELP!
• Stop PRETENDING and get HONEST! 
• Check in don't check out! (Autopilot isn't working)