The Wave, The Onion & The Vortex

Great book title, don't you think!? 

I've just come through a very crazy, depressing, angry space in time. I'm thrashing around playing with ways to clearly communicate it postmortem. I flinch a bit to say postmortem just in case I jinx things and it's not quite done.

I believe in the onion, the necessity to peel it, layer by layer. As much as I find myself hating the concept, there is no denying that there is no conclusion to and no endpoint, until death of course. We are constantly uncovering, learning, revealing, discovering things about ourselves, the planet and our fellow earth mates. I guess it's not a horrible design... if we ever actually arrived we'd be bored.

The wave is another concept I believe in. I'm not certain how far it goes or how it impacts specifically but the overall affect is easily observable. Like the ocean but different, slower or faster depending on the behavior or energies. For example... at the Secret Garden Tour and in retail in general... people came in waves... a large number... a waning then waxing number again. My emotions go in waves as well. Blame it on the moon and our % of H2O, whatever... This last wave was no fucking fun at all. It sucked!

For months now I've been working on a tech project that has had my head in a spin. It didn't help that I was also working on other clients and volunteer projects... and a new Sponsee and finding a mentor, coping with a seriously ill pet, a pending court date (for speeding) and never underestimate the power of the State of New York Health not to mention figuring out exercises that work and food choices that make me feel good. Lots of shit going on... a veritable emotional "Vortex" - NO SHIT! Coming from a person with an emotional maturity of about 3 years old... Vortex, No shit...

1. a whirling mass of water or air, especially one in which a force of suction operates, as a whirlpool or tornado.
2. a state of affairs likened to a whirlpool for violent activity, irresistible force, etc.
3. something regarded as drawing into its powerful current everything that surrounds it:the vortex of war.
4. (in Cartesian philosophy) a rapid rotatory movement of cosmic matter about a center, regarded as accounting for the origin or phenomena of bodies or systems of bodies in space.

A co-worker came up with the word to describe it and actually that was the word that pulled me out. OMG - seriously folks... I COULD NOT SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES! I knew there was something seriously amiss... I had frequent sensations like a huge pit in my stomach. Being punched in the stomach or having my guts twisted by the hand of an invisible force. (I described it in previous blog entries...) What a perfect word to describe what had happened and it was spinning faster and more and more out of control. Holy Fucking Shit! Is that an acronym already? HFS, if not it should be... 

It was a HUGE learning opportunity... and seriously very ironic that I received my new license plate "AWAKE" right in the midst of the madness. I was so stressed out I was waking up with a shock every morning. When I did sleep it was riddled with crazy, frantic, frenzied hysteria... completely out of control. THAT SUCKED! I was having to talk myself off a cliff every fucking morning.  Over the July 4th holiday I had four days in a row to finally focus, without another client or loads of other stuff on my mind. FINALLY... I began to see the shadows of trees and trunks all around me. No clarity just yet but at least I had a fucking inkling that there was a fucking forest! HFS!

How do sober people deal with this shit? How do normal parents teach there children what the fuck to do with insane anger, stress, and over the top emotional responses? Obviously I have no clue, on the later question. ON the former... a network, being honest and hanging in there with your inner higher power... checking in, not checking out! SHIT! Easier said than done. HOLD ON... I do picture a tornado that's what it felt like a huge spinning force of nature that I was so much into I couldn't see my way out of.

I woke up, I set boundaries... I had conversations... I swallowed my pride (that was no problem!) I recognized my limitations and gratefully negotiated a new situation that, for now at least, is a MILLION times more workable. HFS... OMG. There's more I can and will write but not right now... =) for now, this is enough! I survived the storm and I'm better for it.

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