Crowd Pinch

If Chris accuses me of something I didn't do... I respond and get angry. Cause and Effect are pretty clear in this case and no mystery or puzzle is involved. Of course I can choose the intensity of my reaction, not react at all... speak - don't speak, take responsibility or not, a thousand shades of grey.

Lately my experience of emotions is more like being pinched in a crowd. You feel the pinch. You spin and search for the source of the nip. Occasionally the culprit comes clean but more often you're left wondering and on guard against being pinched again.  WTF!  So I may wake up in the morning with an anxious feeling in my stomach or get a rush of heat or intensity while sitting in a meeting or talking with someone. There's a feeling there but just like the crowd pinch the precise cause/effect relationship completely escapes me. 

I've had various wise and experienced folks advise me to "take a moment." 
Go inside and feel the feeling, don't shut it down or be fearful. Ask yourself quietly where it comes from and/or what it's about. Let it reveal it'self. Just speaking purely from reality... it's difficult to make time for that.  And honestly I haven't had much success with deciphering anything useful. Good grief! The pinching rascal has ducked out of sight and moved on.

I'm constantly reminded of that character played by Peter MacNicol on the old Ally McBeal TV series who was constantly "Taking a moment."  It was funny and annoying but I had no idea how brave and insightful that was.

All I can muster the gumption to do in the moment is PAUSE and NOT SAY ANYTHING. I observe and just keep my mouth shut.  I don't ask myself anything I just sincerely try to avoid putting my foot in my mouth by saying something outrageous. Hey, that's a start.  That's where I'm at with this anyhow. Who fucking knew emotions would be so difficult to ferret out and deal with! Shit!

Note: I am on the look out for a good replacement for the word Fuck. After my recent memory trip regarding my Grandparents... if they are watching I have a feeling the cursing is not something they approve of. Although I also imagine in heaven or wherever they are it probably doesn't matter a bit one way or the other. Any how, I am interested in at least exploring some options. FYI.

---