Just because... I know I have to...

I have an urge to write... but no specific ideas or words so the process is... there's a reason and I just need to sit and write... I just met with a friend who is interested in helping me with my business and possibly starting one of his own. It was a bit of an odd and "dodgy" feeling conversation... if someone says "I'm not interested in stealing business away... " when that thought had never entered my mind.... it just felt weird. It's doubly odd because I just got feedback from another friend regarding some ethically questionable things that this friend did. I don't know what she thought he did. I don't usually want to know. Maybe, if I'm considering having this guy work with me on a couple jobs, I need to know what she thinks he did... OK, so there's my answer right there. When she said... he said what they did or didn't do matters I need to RUN AWAY well at least step back!!!

I did honestly communicate that a super high strung energy is not appropriate for the work. I was proud of myself for just saying that, tactfully, out loud. It was just staring me down, in the face... too totally obvious NOT to say.

That may be a nice new way to gauge when I communicate and what to whom and how often... It has to scream to be said in order for me to actually speak it out loud. Interesting thought. I also basically HAD to say that active listening skills are also absolutely necessary... I think it would be challenging for this guy and possibly painful for everyone concerned. I didn't say that last bit. 

On a completely different front... 
I did notice this morning that some level of defensive, fearful, habitual behavior/thought has become more clear. I'm not sure how to explain it other than I think of... the day or a phone call or a drive or a work out or a shower or... you name the mundane thing and I NOW feel detached and calm as opposed to... stressed, resistant, fearful. That sounds totally wacky, so it MUST be TRUE! Yes a 51 year old appearing fearless is, at some weird vulnerable level, afraid of everything, to some degree. Yes, the shower, the call to Mary, the training session tonight... scary! Shit! 

Once again... Shit - Fuck - Damn!  AND good to know.

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