For Real?

I've wondered before about the meaning and use of the word "decision." The way it is used in the world at large doesn't seem to represent the gravity of the actual definition. Cut off from all other options... like set in stone... like for real...

I am noticing that I am an impulsive and very intentional person - paradox! Funny, right?! I like to try things on, take them for a spin, check them out, play around, work it out, feel it out, play with it... different seasons, different areas, and shades and levels. Until I'm familiar i.e. have knowledge and or experience and understanding on many different levels what the "thing" IS FOR REAL in all it's complicatedness... I can't go for it, for real.

Step back... what am I trying to say? I've been playing around with diet and exercise for a couple of years... well a year at least. It's taken me this long to

  separate the FUCKING SHOULD SHIT
                         from what's REAL for me!

No one's fault, you understand, my own fucked up way of being - internalizing all I learned. So what I've figured out is I hate to exercise. I love to eat and cook. I hate being chubby. I hate being in-flexible. I meditate when I cook. I feel good when I don't eat too. I've also noticed (again) that moderation is the way to go. Revelation? epiphany? YES... AGAIN! Different area of life, same concept, new epiphany.*

Oh my god... the more awareness I seem to realize - the more "shoulds" I notice EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME! They are inside my head and spewing out of people's mouths CONSTANTLY!

Just to be free of all the pre-accessed judgments would be completely and utterly amazing. I don't think I would know what to do. No categories, no stereotypes? What?! Shit!

A great distinction I heard earlier on an On Being show... I want to record here before I forget. The idea that we are becoming constantly learning and growing is relegated to youth. When it happens to adults it's confined to menopause or mid life crisis... we are, as humans constantly becoming or could be... (Interview with Joy Ladin)

"MS. LADIN: It’s different to become yourself in any respect in middle age as opposed to when you’re a child, partly because you tend to be the only one around who’s going through those developmental stages, but also because you do it with adult consciousness for better and for worse. So I could see myself trying to learn to walk in a different way and silly stages that I actually couldn’t have avoided."

So, it's like that... I am continually learning and growing and becoming. I'll have my third sober anniversary April 14th. I think of myself as three years old or at least 3+ the age I started drinking... so 26 maybe... And I have NO IDEA what that means... so I'm just slumming around with myself and Chris and people I meet  or know - winging it baby... 

                               WINGING IT FOR REAL!

Perhaps a mentor or a therapist or a sponsor would help me (I have all those things) but I'm suspect that I've got a built in doubter/rebel who will have to play with anything and test it out for myself regardless. My lack of truly trustworthy, mature and wise adults has had interesting consequences... another SHOULD!?  you should avoid the advice of anyone and anything because they are usually wrong... for you.

*Check it out... I don't want to jinx it but... since I figured out that I just want to loose 40 pounds. I have zero interest in getting in "shape"... I've lost 5 pounds in two days. I've been eating smart... using all I've learned and all the resources I've discovered along the way to support me in my weight loss goal. I haven't been arguing with myself or unconsciously eating or feeling deprived or making excuses or whining...  Now that I type it out it seems incredibly adolescent / childish... AWESOME! That's right where I'm at! Finally!

(I guess you might deduct from the above statement that I decided that CrossFit is not for me. I gave it a month-ish... another topic for another day... it's not for me, but it helped me get HERE... =)

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