 The practice of pausing is paying off. I actually find myself in a moment of decision checking in with my "inner teacher" or "higher power." I've been so surprised to hear, frequently, "It doesn't matter." This puts me in my place and helps considerably with my humility. I had this unreasonable expectation that with synchronicity and God winks everywhere... EVERY decision I made/make led down a magical path to a perfect outcome. Yikes, that's pressure! "It doesn't matter." Is the answer to many questions... Should I call so and so? Should I go to this AA meeting or that one? Should I email or write or meditate now? Should I buy this or that? Should I say something or stay still? The level of gravity of the questions is a reflection of the solitude, ease and simplicity of my life. YEAH! I've totally earned this effortlessness! Who me, pretentious? A tiny bit pompous and grandiose? What? No! SLAP! Amazing how simple and unemotional the response in my mind appears, smooth and quiet, "it really DOESN'T matter... AND it's OK!" Occasionally I will get, if I continue to listen for just a moment longer... "but... It would be fun to..." the suggestion is sometimes obvious and sometimes out of left field. Awesomeness.... When meditating the last few days I've been present to a lack of self confidence and the presence of a gray smoke-like saboteur. That's putting it nicely. The "piggy" of the Never Binge Again era seemed to return and rebel and fight and resist the "cage" prescribed for it. I proceeded to notice a very intense nasty feeling of not just a saboteur but real self HATRED... active and swirling and curious. PAUSE "It doesn't matter... but you may want to ALLOW it, EXPLORE it..." Really, that seems scary and odd. Shouldn't I try to whisk it away with some happy color or ignore it and hope it goes away of it's own volition? PAUSE... OH>>>> so here's a chance to practice what I fucking learned and actually ALLOW & EXPLORE...? OK... it's OK! The hatred is, of course, just fear I discovered. The fear is grounded in not feeling safe, for me. Understandable, completely, life is after all inherently NOT SAFE... right!? So as an exercise yesterday I went around all day saying to myself "I AM SAFE" or "YOU ARE SAFE"... every spare open space of thought. I paused to remind myself that I am safe. That is all. No long diatribe or explanation. And how does that feel? Does that apply right now? To this english muffin? to this car ride? to this song on the radio? to this feeling or that comment? I'll continue this today and report back... ultimately "It doesn't matter... because no matter what, I AM SAFE!" Shit!  Let's be clear.... spiritual game happening! So much for my piece of mind so instantly annoyed by the fact that I just purchased Conversations with God Book 1 on Kindle found the quotes I wont in the Kindle reader and I can't copy and paste them here!! So I'll wait until I get home and have the book in front of me to type in the goodies...
 My first inclination was to call it an interpreter switch. In the shower the idea of an interface came up and seemed to fit as well. I have, officially, sustained an internal interface upgrade. I'm currently breaking it in and getting used to it. Still reverting to the old way I did things, occasionally, for sure. In the past I may have called it an epiphany, but that feels like it provides the idea of a fleeting or a passing thing (ephemeral) and this is a permanent situation. Now the challenging bit... explaining what the fuck I'm talking about. So... I'll start where it started with a poem that came to me while I was meditating this morning... I won't transcribe the whole thing just enough to get the idea across... Race away! Race away! Race away, QUICKLY!! No discomfort allowed, RUN! Here it comes, doubt, uncertainty Hunger, sadness... Run! Run away! Hide away! Kill it off! MUTE! Don't stand still If you pause, It will surely catch you! Don't get attached Don't show your belly They'll tear you to pieces It's quite ordinary! Don't listen Don't pause, meditate or pray! And for heaven's sake don't stay In one place! Keep it goin' it's safer that way! Don't care at all You'll only get hurt Run away! Run away! Run away, QUICK! There's more but that's plenty to get the gist (yes, GIST... cool, look it up!) of it. What I realized was this was my old interface talking. Everything that happened was viewed through that filter. Every thought, action, outside happening was regarded through that "interpreter" / "filter" / "interface".... Now I'm free to regard, consider, feel, everything on a moment by moment basis. Awareness of the interface was triggered by something Shirley said a couple weeks ago about it being "OK to feel hungry" which expanded into it's OK to feel uncomfortable from the book Binge No More... I've also been aware of the constant underlying, background urge to be in a hurry all the time since we got the new house. That underlying always present buzzing fearfulness... ick! So, welcome to a whole new world where none of that is necessary... life is safe, serene, enjoyable and I am free. The new interface also address the constant fear of not being perfectly efficient and time and effort saving... another long term constant hack!   In nearly every published version of Anne Frank's diary, each diary entry begins with "Dear Kitty." However, this was not always true in Anne's original written diary.
In Anne's first, red-and-white-checkered notebook, Anne sometimes wrote to other names such as "Pop," "Phien," "Emmy," "Marianne," "Jetty," "Loutje," "Conny," and "Jackie." These names appeared on entries dating from September 25, 1942, until November 13, 1942. It is believed that Anne took these names from characters found in a series of popular Dutch books written by Cissy van Marxveldt, which featured a strong-willed heroine (Joop ter Heul). Another character in these books, Kitty Francken, is believed to have been the inspiration for the "Dear Kitty" on most of Anne's diary entries. Anne Frank's diary was all I needed as inspiration. When I first started my diary it was a typical teenage diatribe of boy crushes and family drama... victumhood and roller skating... roof climbing and the complete injustice of being alive. I'm sure I wasn't unique in my experiences. I am grateful that I was able to endure and learn from them using a journal as a tool and making my innter teacher availble in that fashion.   Over the holidays I happened upon a chakra wall hanging. I love the images and prayers for each one. I share them here so I will have access anywhere any time. Base Chakra: I am connected with the energy of Mother Earth. My body, mind and spirit are grounded, centered and pure. Sacral Chakra: I love all dimensions of myself. I delight in weaving the creative tapestry that is my life! Solar Plexus: My will & divine Will are one. I am connected to the abundant flow of the Universe. I easily manifest my dreams Heart Chakra: My heart is open to receive the energy of LOVE. I radiate this essence. I walk my path with ease & grace. Throat Chakra: I am aligned with my highest truth. I communicate this with love & honor. My words echo softly within the Universe. Third Eye: My mind is OPEN to new visions. I expand my awareness through my HIGHER self. Crown Chakra: I am connected to the Divine Source of the Universe. I am Light! I trust! This is the stuff that meditations are made of for me. I have to say also I appreciate the freedom to speak my truth without fear. I have noticed my thoughts reacting to the last post with apologies. I don't need to apologize to anyone ever regarding my beliefs or experiences. I acknowledge this and focus on gratitude... David Rast... on OnBeing Grateful.   Each year my questioning seems to grow with no real answers or resolution. What the fuck are holiday feelings suppose to feel like? So far I know about this... for me:
What you may notice is missing from my list is anything to do with family or community in general. I have never relied or been drawn to create or participate in any type of gathering. I usually go because it's expected, if at all. I've been grasping for a happy holiday feeling, even thinking way back to holidays when I was young. There was frequently some level of discomfort and underlying tension. The fact that family members don't all get along is fucking intensely obvious and raw. Since I've stopped drinking, powering through social gatherings is usually a chore. If there are people that I see only once per year that I respect and care about, that's great and nice... but I don't like to "vie" for their attention or try to share a conversation... I HATE small talk! I guess I need practice still, talking to more than one person at a time. See previous blog entries... To make it more palatable and fun I may have to start taking my camera again to entertain myself and feel a tiny bit useful. I've tried to pass the time and fit in by helping clean up and been discouraged or flatly denied... odd... So this is all feels a bit sad I guess and depressing a little. But not really, for me it's just the way it is. It's nice to get clarity around my expectations and be aware of the source and actual level of merriment-i-tude. I am, then, again, as usual, alone in my experience and the power to create and enjoy it. Take Aways: Enjoy the music, decor, cooking, cards, food, smells & gifts to the fullest =) Bring the camera to all gatherings I just realized I didn't even mention church or Christ's birth... not a factor, see previous post on My Creed... and Happy Hanukkha PS. All loving acts of service, giving and fellowship are things I create day by day all year long.
 In the summer of my 21st year on this planet I took the opportunity to lay down Catholicism for numerous reasons I need not elaborate on at this time. I do recall that the concept of original sin, in particular, became untenable to me... that all persons are BORN evil and need some "other" ceremony or church to become "sinless" and worthy of eternal life. I happened to be on a summer job at Villanova University and LeHigh near Philadelphia at the time of this epiphany. I remember walking through the library at Villanova, wandering among the stacks..... stopping, pulling a random book off a shelf and opening to this arbitrary page and passage
"Benjamin Franklin, Letter to Ezra Stiles, 9 March 1790, in John Bigelow, ed., The Works of Benjamin Franklin, at 12:185-86 (New York: Putnam’s, 1904) (paragraphing edited and bullets added for readability). You desire to know something of my religion. It is the first time I have been questioned upon it. But I cannot take your curiosity amiss, and shall endeavor in a few words to gratify it. Here is my creed.
As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire,
A friend asked me today if I could summarize my beliefs. My thought were immediately drawn back to these words and this experience 32+ years ago... I can recall the day, the light streaming in, the dust motes floating, a creaking floor, solitude and reading the words above with a calm and serene confidence and peace that I had never really felt regarding god and religion in my life to that point. Nice mental road trip! Happy Holidays.... and for more interesting reading on Ben Franklin and his religious beliefs... check out... http://benjaminfranklinbio.com/benjamin-franklin-on-religion/145/  Piggy Oh My Piggy I have come across, accidentally of course, the solution, finally to my eating and weight management journey. Yes, it's true! I'm not sure what I was doing when I stumbled across it but I ended up downloading an audio book called "Never Binge Again" by Glen Livingston. I listened to the whole book once and then started again and I love it. I'm not wild about the voice talent but the actual content is fucking perfect! I was done with Dr. Matt's plan it was just to restrictive and didn't jive with my natural hunger cycles. It also didn't ever allow for bread or pasta... ever and took too much time and thought on a daily fucking basis! Seriously I have time, but it was crazy unless I wanted to eat fake, protein shakes constantly. This book's philosophy and methods totally resonate with me! What I found most interesting:
  As much as I would like to think and believe that I am impervious to the actions of others it's a big fat lie. The longer I'm sober the more I understand and realize why I drank. It was easier to deal with the pain, the hurt. Apparently rather than being immune and impervious, I'm the opposite, sensitive and vulnerable. I know that some people would say this is a good thing. It doesn't feel good when people are hurtful. Their intentionality doesn't matter so much (right now). Just the acknowledging of it and the what the FUCK do I do with THIS hurt feeling? I realize my response is a choice... but feeling the feeling itself is out of my control.
So the word "HACK" just came to mind... Odd how words just appear and what a great word. I had no idea. I never considered using it outside of the obvious computer related meaning. I like it! I am going to hack the feeling... I can't hack the hurt! I'll create a hack or use a hack or be a fucking hack! I do love words! This is an unexpected gem =) hackverb (used with object) 1. to cut, notch, slice, chop, or sever (something) with or as with heavy, irregular blows (often followed by up or down): to hack meat; to hack down trees. 2. to break up the surface of (the ground). 3. to clear (a road, path, etc.) by cutting away vines, trees, brush, or the like 4. to damage or injure by crude, harsh, or insensitive treatment; mutilate; mangle 5. to reduce or cut ruthlessly; trim: The Senate hacked the budget severely before returning it to the House. there's a lot of hacking goin' on! 6. Slang. to deal or cope with; handle: He can't hack all this commuting. 7. Computers.
So I will make use of my new found knowledge of hacking to allow the feeling to resonate and reverberate and sink down and nestle in. No resistance only pausing to wonder and observe. Meditation has become an excellent hack! Go hacking!  Some mornings there is only to write. That is all. To type out like working out with your thoughts via your fingers. Some things I think I don't feel open to share on this forum. So I'll write write that elsewhere. I guess I can comment on the general idea without details. The joy of finding and buying a dream home is an amazing once in a lifetime experience. It's something to share and people are happy for you, supportive and excited. I've been joking saying that Chris and I, instead of having a kid, are having a house. It feels appropriate and true although we have less anxiety, physical pain and sleep loss.
It baffles my mind and it's basically unknowable why someone would choose to be distant and non supportive in such a time. It is all about them... something they are going through or suffering through or possibly a misunderstanding or old hurt... All there is to do then is to try to be understanding and set boundaries so their rain doesn't encroach on your parade... right? It's sad to watch, though and still puts a bit of a damper on the celebration. On the other hand the lack of outside involvement is allowing Chris and I to bond and make our own decisions about everything together... so in that regard it's awesome and perfectly perfect. Well... it IS perfectly perfect the universe is just waiting for me to figure that out. Who is available to support us and ultimately that we have each other to depend on in the end. I guess that's more and more obvious through this recent experience. What there is to do... this is all... to enjoy each moment blissfully aware of how precious it is and grateful for the joyous gifts all around me always.  "Artist's Way: Week 1: Task 8: Imaginary Lives: If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them? I would be a pilot, a cowhand, a physicist, a psychic, a monk. You might be a scuba diver, a cop, a writer of children's books, a football player, a belly dancer, a painter, a performance artist, a history teacher, a healer, a coach, a scientist, a doctor, a Peace Corps worker, a psychologist, a fisherman, a minister, an auto mechanic, a carpenter, a race car driver, a sculptor, a lawyer, a singer, a hacker, a soap-opera star, a country singer, a rock and roll drummer. Whatever occurs to you, jot it down. Do not overthink this exercise.
The point of these lives is to HAVE FUN in them - more fun than you might be having in this one. Look over your list and select one. Then do it this week. For instance, if you put down country singer, can you pick a guitar? If you dream of being a cowhand, can you go horse back riding?" I completed this exercise last week and I was so moved, touched and inspired. What fun, really! Not to mention it just so happens that I am in a position to change my "career" so it's perfect to be thinking about it. My answers were... National Geographic Photographer, Poet Laureate, Field based scientist like Archaeologist, Anthropologist or Biologist, Philosopher/Author/Teacher and Wilderness Survivalist & Trainer. Juices are flowing! On the Alaska the Last Frontier show last night Ots mentioned that they have to be Imagineers to get things done around the homestead. THAT's an awesome title... of course DISNEY took it! Imagineer! The closing is TODAY on the new house. We're over the moon excited. Stay tuned! 
 Greetings I've just spent an hour or so reviewing and completing a bunch of "DRAFT" posts from all different dates... interesting that in Weebly when you save a draft post you can't change the date so each of those is forever linked to the original date I created them. Interesting... frozen in time. There was quite a spread in topics from bed making (7/25/17) to burning bridges (10/9/17) and a fun little poem (10/14/17). How fun to look back. It inspires me to look back in my journals and update that page today. So... I diverge from my original idea for the day... doesn't matter though! Excellent! So any how this is stream of consciousness writing, per Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way process. Amazing and wonderful way to start the day. No worries, I won't usually be blogging my every morning morning pages but felt like it this morning... Best totally yummy use of Celery Root... an amazing fall side dish using a fabulously ugly veg. One of my all time favorite pass times is to explore new weird fruits and veggies at the Farmer's Market and try a bunch of new recipes with that off the wall item. It was easier in Venice Beach. The Santa Monica Farmer's Market had way more odd choices that I find here... but it's still fun. So the delectable, scrumptious celery root discover is from Martha! Go Martha! Apple & Root Vegetable Hash As I munch on a bit of the hash with a scrambled egg this morning I'm listening to a wonderful Ted Radio Hour about how important it is to reach out and communicate with anyone and everyone and a few ideas on how to do that! Dialogue & Exchange! that is all for now...   Quick thoughts...
It's Sunday and there's a meeting at 8 am then the Farmer's Market and I get to go off now and attempt to assist and be in service and LISTEN quietly and see what shows up! Excellent!  Not sure where to start with this one... I guess expressing frustration, anger, angst, and annoyance... all directed toward yours truly. I do recognize that I am the source of all my own consternation. That only serves to make the search for a solution more exasperating. I have been on a love hate relationship journey with my latest wellness program (diet). I have experienced some success loosing 10 ish pounds and breaking the lowest lately weight. I had the supreme joy of shopping for a couple new pairs of jeans, an unexpected expectation that hadn't occurred to me.
These successes acknowledged... I also have to admit that I am NOT enjoying it. It is WORK to come up with and stick to healthy, controlled eating of six meals per day. Am I making it harder than it needs to be... probably?! Am I experiencing repeated run-ins with "failure" and obsessive eating?! Most definitely. My coach has been supportive and consistent in his encouragement and focus on the bright side... tomorrow IS a new day... Today is Thanksgiving... I have given up trying to predict or control what I eat and I am still of the mind that somehow someday I will just WANT what is good... like children do before they learn to love or hate or covet or repel food. I had a major indulgent adventure yesterday... It started with a bagel... with butter... OMG which, I know now, creates further intense hunger in a short time. That hunger was only partly sated by two Hattie's thighs and had to finally be muffed out by a "little" Five Guys cheese burger (all the way) a little fry and a salted caramel milk shake. Yes, folks, this is what binge eating looks like on paper. The reality, in the moment, was savoring every bite and throwing out a good portion of the latter because I really DON'T like being stuffed no matter how good it is. (I think this is progress??!!). Bottom line... I want the ongoing weight loss without the work of planning and will powering through 6 fucking meals a day. I'm much happier eating nothing then binge eating later... the binge can be smaller and less fattening... without sugar is actually fine... I think I will bust out the book called Diets Don't Work and read that again. Bottom, Bottom line... my true pissed off-ness is created by my lack of internal integrity or alignment... I notice myself promising myself things "OK... now, the rest of the day I won't eat anything... " "Oh, one more... that's IT!" I'm lying to myself fucking constantly. I need to shut the fuck up, sit with this whole thing, write and figure out what I am willing to truly agree to and follow through with from here. For today, Thanksgiving... I will not overeat. That is all I'm saying for now. Live with it. Tomorrow IS a new day and I promise to sit down and review my situation again at that time. I am determined to be bemused regarding this entire wellness - diet - weight loss and eating conversation! Dammit! Only in the way of the LAST definition! bemused [bih-myoozd] adjective 1. bewildered or confused: a bemused expression on his face. 2. lost in thought; preoccupied. 3. mildly amused, especially in a detached way.  We camped out at the new house for over eight hours yesterday. It was wonderful. An over the top opportunity to sit with the space and map it and check it out inch by inch. Our Realtor, Joan, arranged for all the necessary inspections and an appraisal on the same day. Overwhelming and fabulous and nicely efficient. This home is larger than the first one we checked out and that I show in pictures in a previous blog. There is also 4x more property. We were able to get an impromptu tour of the grounds including an active beaver lodge and damn, porcupine dens and a Heron nesting area. Wow!!
I have to remind myself to trust and be fearless. I find myself spinning off into overwhelm and a bit of anxiety regarding the size of the place and the scope of projects to do as well as opportunities. Fuck - Fuck - Fuck!! We also get a range of reactions which reflect and mirror our own feelings... from skeptical disbelief to joyous celebration. That's the range of emotions I've been living in. I guess that's completely appropriate and perfect and it's grand that Chris and I are embarking on this whole thing together. I keep making a hand gesture reflective of reeling in a big fish... that's it... I have to keep reeling it in the expectations as well as the fears, the possibilities and the projects. It IS ALL GOOD and perfect and wonderful and exciting to be in the moment. THAT is where I resolve to stay rooted! Yeah! Post Script OH... the Doctor was absolutely wonderful! Well done Rappaport and Staff! Beyond reproach and I will post a positive review online for your timely, professional, courteousness! My faith in the existence of excellent medical professionals is restored... for now. =)  I have an appointment this morning with a Dermatologist I've never seen before. The last one I interacted with here in Saratoga was unethical, uncaring and an ego maniac... yep! I actually went back to have a couple of moles removed that she suggested at $300 a pop... OMG!!
I had melanoma and two surgeries to remove the cancer in 1995. I was advised by the dermatologist I saw at the time that everything was fine and I'm the one who asked that the mole be biopsied. In a nut shell... I don't have a good track record with doctor's being very useful. I have since then gone to see a professional every 6 months for the first five years then every year since... approximately. Based on Chris' referral I made an appointment with Rappaport and just finished reading his "rules"... His office sent out paperwork to complete in advance, which is fine for a new patient situation. I was a bit put off by the tone of the letter, perhaps he gets lots of abuse...? people who don't carry ID or provide their insurance card? or cancel appointments w/o notice or aren't aware they may need a referral for insurance purposes. The letter got me thinking and so I went online to look for reviews of Dr. Rappaport and it was a mixed bag. Chris just advised me to be patient when I get there, apparently he had to wait for awhile. This got my mind cranking on a different note. I am creating my own Patient Requirements & Requests that I would provide to any doctor I plan to see. Dear Potential Doctor & Staff, Welcome to my precious body, mind, spirit. I have successfully survived and thrived for 52 years in this bag of bones and know it quite well. I am intelligent, courteous, kind, curious, informed and respectful. I expect to be treated accordingly. To avoid any misunderstandings in this regard allow me to be very specific.
If you are not amenable to my expectations, I completely understand. Our cultural norm is quite divergent from what I've laid out above. That's fine... I can and will find a medical professional who is interested in partnering with me regarding wellness. One who finds my requests as obvious and thoughtful as I do and appreciates a human willing to require respectful as well as informed services. Please sign here that you and your staff have read and understand my requirements and requests... Primary Professional Names & Dates Staff Names & Dates I'll let you know how it goes over! =)  I had stopped dreaming or wishing or wondering really. I'd put down the desire in a back room closet, not full of dust and cob webs, but not part of the daily thought train either. It's been hanging around for so long, 40 years, maybe more or less. The dream of being on safe land with a view. My community project is something of legend in my mind. It's suddenly visible, palpable, real and in front of me. Holy Shit! It lends a whole new meaning to the saying "Careful what you wish for." It's fucking SCARY it's so big and awesome and perfect. I guess I'm ready and I'm grateful I have my wits about me (for the moment anyhow). Now what?! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! (as Dee and I would say in the day!) I didn't realize how entrenched and attached I've become here, where I live now... familiar, comfortable, beautiful... home (Vista). Finally tending the garden with vigor and grace... finally sorting out what to keep and let go, what fits and feels right and not. Actually just being present and focused on other things. Holy shit... now we'll have this place... I cringe, fearful I'll jinx the thing. Better not to say that until it's done. We only just found it. We only just realized on Saturday how IDEAL it is in ways we hadn't even thought of, dreamed possible. Vista is home and perfection in it's own way maybe that's why the dream was on a backroom closet shelf. Maybe that's the secret? I'd accepted how superb and wonderful it it is right now where I am. Does that create space for dreams to manifest...? The letting go and kinda giving in? The timing is unbelievable a superb God wink an undeniable alignment. Just that awareness gives me the courage to continue. So many new challenges and lessons and adventures OH MY!! I have a whole new way of being, behaving, perceiving. Chris & I together, a completely new book to create together... not just a new chapter! That is all I can muster for the moment. My head and heart are a blur or thoughts and emotions. I had no idea anything could feel this way! I'm such a newbie at this!? Deep breath, stay present and ENJOY! Yep! I have a whole new level of compassion, understanding & appreciation for my move management clients. Yikes! Thoughts for later exploration: how does the place where you live define you? become part of you? how do people possible manage "being" in such different places? schitzo?   It's faint but the memory is clear, what it was like after I first stopped smoking. There's an odd tender, frail and delicate space while the body - mind - spirit adjusts to a new way of being. For me the lack of a nasty, nagging, incessant, brutish internal dialog tempting me to smoke again was gone. This has become a hallmark for me that a real shift has occurred. It's never been so much about will power... "the obsession is lifted" in AA speak. I have no idea the source of the silence - it's magical and very hard earned at the same time. My persistence is all I can link to the three experiences I've had to date... alcohol on 4/14/14 - cigarettes on 7/25/15 and food on 10/13/17. Back to the topic. For the last shift, I am, right now, in the midst of the tender times... There's an awakening on a physical level - BIG TIME - sometimes gradual sometimes abrupt, always curious and interesting. I've finally been able to follow through without the negative talk and internal struggle. The two areas that happened at the same time this time were food and meditating. Perhaps one allowed or supported the other but it doesn't really matter... Food: the main changes were NO sugar... no starches or grains only veggies and protein. I'm on day thirteen of a 3 month program. I texted a photo of my journal to my wellness coach Dr. Matt Smith on a nightly basis with questions and feedback. I just finished a three day Master Cleanse style (lemon juice/maple syrup) detox. The program includes SIX fucking meals a day. I absolutely hated it at first. I had to just stay home in the mornings to adjust. If I didn't get the first couple of meals in the whole day was more challenging. Trial and error... or play and adjust... it's been interesting. I've had to be flexible and let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions. I've been able to let the experience reveal itself... SLOWLY... (that's another general take away... FUCKING be PATIENT! then be PATIENT SOME MORE... and AGAIN... yes... AND AGAIN.) The physical transformation is ongoing and amazing. I meet with Dr. Matt today to check in on weight, BMI, etc. I don't need him to tell me the changes are very positive. I want to eat well and exercise... WHAT!!?? YES! Shit... this is what I requested. Yeah!! The delicate days continue and I relish them... "the pink cloud" in AA speak. All wonder and gratitude, fascination and reverence, surprise and curiosity. It is like being reborn... truly. The old, habitual ways seem to drift away or peel off or come away with a good scrub. All that wasn't working is shifted like a mist lifting to reveal a reflection in a BIG bubble... colorful and brilliant, spinning and new, floating and fragile. Along the same time... I've been participating in a course by Drew Cali on Awakening Your Intuition. He insists, as the only homework, that we complete 15 minutes of a sitting still daily meditation. Sounds easy, right? Not when you have the internal "villainous voice" (I'm naming it... THE VV) constantly making excuses and fighting you tooth and nail. I recently had a break through on that front as well. I have enough meditations to sort through on an app called Insight Timer... it was overwhelming actually. I didn't know what I wanted or what would resonate. I finally came across Opening Your Chakras by DavidJi that was awesome. That led me to use Drew's actual CD. I started to combine the meditation with breathing techniques I learned from David Elliot when I studied with him in LA. POOF!! Like magic, seriously, no joke! I can't and I'm not going to try to explain what that was like right now. I don't have the words yet. I can say that afterward I felt grounded - solid and lighter and brighter at the same time. AWESOME and WEIRD! Trekking onward - awe inspired - light and lovingly!   I've been fasting/detoxing as part of a wellness program and had lots of time on my hands with low motivation to go anywhere or do much... so... ENTER all the books that have been sitting around for years waiting on my attention.
I noticed that I found a few lines in a few different books that struck me and decided to record them here... so I can donate the book and continue my shelf clearing exercise. =) It's a test... let's see if I can remember why I marked the lines I did. Uprooted by Naomi Novik Page 263 "But I didn't care. I knew myself for the first time in a week, standing on earth instead of polished marble." In the margins I wrote *I knew myself* ? Not to learn but to remember. (In the story the heroine had gone from her home in the woods to ask the king & the court for help and basically trying to please them lost herself AND go screwed over by the drama political centered fake people.) It speaks to my current journey to get to know myself and the idea that I'm not learning so much as remembering. My higher self hasn't changed... I'm just finally learning to tune into and listen to that channel instead of everyone else's static. I like the metaphor... there are lots of radio stations... tune into your own, by necessity you tune out other stations... you learn to eliminate the static, to hear more clearly, you can switch back and listen to other stations, parents, past, culture, religion... all different perspectives and chatter! The practice I'm creating is the ability to tune into my own station as often and clearly as possible. COOL! Excellent! same book page 91: "Unfortunately, the willingness to learn magic wasn't the same thing as being any good at it." In the story the girl has a different type of magic that her teachers don't understand and can't really explain or teach to her. She has to find her own way. She wasn't any good at "their magic" but she was a natural, of course, regarding her own. Interesting that I chose just now to type up the quotes in the order I did. God Wink... I just got an insight followed up with a supportive sentiment... NICE! So now do I have to keep this damn book!? Hee...hee....?? or can I still get rid of it? =) Velocity by Deen Koontz Page : "Stay low, stay quiet, keep it simple, don't expect much, enjoy what you have... Be self sufficient, don't get involved, let the world go to Hell if it wants." This quote struck me as a bit of a self mission statement. John asked me to create a mission statement and this just hit home. Especially with all the political unrest at the moment... and people worked up (thanks to the fucking media!). I do just plan on laying low and keeping to myself. I am NOT interested in trying to stop the world from doing anything. Maybe there's a plan! =) I'll stick with the bread crumbs from the first bits and continue on my journey to tune into myself. For now... Yes I will write when I feel moved regardless of all the naysaying question askers in my head!
I'm reading a book. I didn't got to a meeting. (shoot me!) I'm posting again... burying the previous post... (oh well, shoot me again!). Good grief a worry I lot! Crime-inee! The phrase that came to me just now, that demanded to be written... "As strong as the evil. So is the good." My thoughts on the meaning... so I was tortured and beaten as a child AND I was blessed by angels in measures that balance out. That is all for now.  For some reason I was totally taken by surprise when the voice coming from the meditation app suggested that I select an intention for the day... what? something to do? no... I had to look it up. Fascinating... I love words.
INTENTION noun 1. an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result. 2. the end or object intended; purpose. 3. intentions.
5. Logic.
7. meaning or significance: The intention of his words was clear. 8. the person or thing meant to benefit from a prayer or religious offering. INTEND verb (used with object) 1. to have in mind as something to be done or brought about; plan 2. to design or mean for a particular purpose, use, recipient, etc. 3. to design to express or indicate, as by one's words; refer to. 4. (of words, terms, statements, etc.) to mean or signify. 5. Archaic. to direct (the eyes, mind, etc.). This leads me to wonder about the definition of "Create"... and low the last bullet presents the circle... to intend is to create. Create... verb (used with object), created, creating. 1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes. 2. to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention. 3. Theater. to perform (a role) for the first time or in the first production of a play. 4. to make by investing with new rank or by designating; constitute; appoint 5. to be the cause or occasion of; give rise to 6. to cause to happen; bring about; arrange, as by intention or design So... long intro... what I intend to create today is freedom. Today the flavor of freedom on the docket is freedom from: WORRY verb (used without object), worried, worrying. 1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. 2. to move with effort: an old car worrying uphill. verb (used with object), worried, worrying. 3. to torment with cares, anxieties, etc.; trouble; plague. 4. to seize, especially by the throat, with the teeth and shake or mangle, as one animal does another. 5. to harass by repeated biting, snapping, etc. Antonyms for worry
So I know that intending something in the positive is more powerful... but contentment and peace seem vague as does joy and happiness. Cheer is nice... but still I'm choosing to intend No Worries... Don't worry... be happy. Every time I consider waste or not waste, efficient or not... every time I feel my soul resist or tug or stress or fret... breathe and SING! Don't Worry Be Happy...Here's a little song I wrote You might want to sing it note for note Don't worry, be happy In every life we have some trouble But when you worry you make it double Don't worry, be happy Don't worry, be happy now don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy Ain't got no place to lay your head Somebody came and took your bed Don't worry, be happy The landlord say your rent is late He may have to litigate Don't worry, be happy Oh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh don't worry, be happy Here I give you my phone number, when you worry, call me, I make you happy, don't worry, be happy) Don't worry, be happy Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style Ain't got no gal to make you smile Don't worry, be happy 'Cause when you worry your face will frown And that will bring everybody down So don't worry, be happy Don't worry, be happy now (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy Now there, is this song I wrote I hope you learned note for note Like good little children, don't worry, be happy Now listen to what I said, in your life expect some trouble When you worry you make it double But don't worry, be happy, be happy now don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy don't worry, don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, don't do it, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) put a smile in your face (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't bring everybody down like this don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) it will soon pass, whatever it is (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) I'm not worried, I'm happy The Indian mystic and sage Meher Baba (1894–1969) often used the expression "Don't worry, be happy" when cabling his followers in the West.[5] In the 1960s, the expression was printed up on inspirational cards and posters of the era. In 1988, McFerrin noticed a similar poster in the apartment of the jazz duo Tuck & Patti in San Francisco.[citation needed] Inspired by the expression's charm and simplicity, McFerrin wrote the now famous song, which was included in the soundtrack of the movie Cocktail, and became a hit single the next year. In an interview by Bruce Fessier for USA Weekend magazine in 1988 McFerrin said, "Whenever you see a poster of Meher Baba, it usually says 'Don't worry, be happy,' which is a pretty neat philosophy in four words, I think."[6] Linda Goldstein, the song's producer, said the song gave McFerrin "the freedom to explore," adding, "He is a man of infinite, unfathomable, boundless voices and everything he has ever heard has gone into his brain, from the Mickey Mouse Club theme to the Metropolitan Opera."[ What game
shall we play today? Wiggle Jingle Pang what thoughts to play actions to bounce around today? it's all just so play today what would be most graceful most fun today? Just so?  The spookiest day of the spookiest month, 2017. A day to remember like July 25, 2015 and April 14, 2014? The day a struggle rests or surrender truly begins. There's an odd quietness about it. No fanfare or celebration just a simple knowing that perhaps, finally, that phase is complete and a new beginning has commenced. "But it's early and I may be premature" the voice whispers... "Time will tell." I met with Dr. Matt yesterday. A reboot - again - on my wellness plan. I took my bike for a ride up and down a few steep hills and I fucking made it. Panting hard but I made it with joy, belting out songs from Fiddler on the Roof and West Side Story. Maybe I'll just be the "Euphonious Biker!" Friday the 13th... Something clicks or snaps closed The light from that other room has ceased The door, where it was a wall There is no going back I can no longer get there from here It's what I prayed for wished for, created Freedom from what was in that room the indecision internal torture never ending story moribund cycle spitting, gasping, clinging Not knowing why it stops or closes or shifts What removes the space from the room? There is only persistent repetitive failing attempts and the faith of experience that one day the space will return to me the victory in surrender The space I'm talking about, there, is the space in my head that is consumed with doubt, fear, self deprecating remarks. What creates the space is somethings else... a thought, a whim, a wish, an old behavior that doesn't work, an automatic something almost under thought somehow. It's a mindless something that takes over; like just suddenly noticing you've arrived and don't remember how you got there. Or realizing you already bought the liquor and the bottle is poised or the cigarette's in hand with smoke curling. That's why it's so hard to intentionally change it... it's subversive, buried, under ground. The exact cause is oddly just missing... a time warp. When that, whatever it is, is gone, there's a vacuum that briefly presents but it's not as intense as I've heard other people describe.. they HAVE TO DO something else, replace IT, find a substitute or surrogate. For me in this moment it's just quiet, serene, new and wonderful. I did experience the physical withdrawals but that was just a joyous reminder that I was free and a curious exploration of physical sensations. I'm very grateful this is "it" and if not, that's ok too. The Euphonious Cycler! I like it! Euphonious: adjective; pleasant in sound; agreeable to the ear; characterized by euphony: a sweet, euphonious voice.
 Can I use my past failures, mistakes, missteps and fuck ups as guidelines of what not to do for the future, because that sounds like a fantastic idea. Like I'm thinking of this for the first time... but there's the thing...
It would mean admitting to myself that there are some bridges and relationships that will never be rebuilt. It would mean taking a long, hard look at what I did that lead me to those situations and why I never want to be there again. And that’s not easy work. That is gut wrenching, heart hurting, headache inducing stuff. Step 4, ya think?! It would mean REMEMBERING shit and my memory sucks! If I did remember, it would mean, require actually taking a moment to adjust for time and circumstances which are always different. It would mean I actually burn enough bridges to make it worth my while, which I don't. I can count on one hand the number of actual relationship burning bridges in my past... Hummm... |
Intro
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on. LA McCauley 
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