I'm enamored with numbers. I'm not into numerology but I just like numbers. My sober date is 04-14-14, I dig that! Other people can't care less, I get it. Anyway. I'm not posting this to general Facebook any longer just to the writing group for the Hay House Challenge.

I have 20 minutes to pound this out. I realized that yesterday I could have put a tidy bow on the article by ending with something brilliant about going to any lengths... full circle and all that. Oh well. I realized after I recorded the session that my focus on food is possibly the problem, period. I spoke to a wise woman that I know and I've been listening to my intuition about things... (the Unity focus, internal harmony) and what's showing up is an easy path to consistent exercise. 

For decades, literally, not exaggerating, I tried to stop smoking and stop drinking AT THE SAME TIME. I was convinced it would only happen that way. I was clearly completely delusional. It really stopped me from success on either front. I spun out for years trying and trying and failing and failing to do do either or both at all for more than a week or two. 

Last night in day 2 of the HH Challenge they suggested writing every day. I'll be doing that here, They also suggested NOT editing. Yikes... stream of consciousness can be crazy. One year from today I should have enough for a book. I already have enough for a book! I need an outline.

Back to the main line train of thought here. I finally realized or was forced to acknowledge the greater of the two addictions or I would have lost everything. Alcohol yanked my chain and dragged me down farther and faster than cigarettes ever could. So, Reality stepped in and my decades long internal wrestling match was decided. 

I'm getting that sense now, here, in this match between food and fitness. I've focused on food, mostly, like I did yesterday listing out all the diets and not even mentioning all the exercise shit I have also tried along the way. Food is easier. It doesn't make your muscles ache and your every movement painful for a while. I'm saying this now after just a quick introduction video to the 21 Day Fix program on Beach Body. I signed up for the whole year of unlimited streaming videos. I was absolutely thrilled to realize yesterday that I can view the videos on my Roku TV upstairs and I don't have to squint at my iPad or Chromebook screens! What's coming through loud and clear is that I want to FEEL good, physically, I want to have energy and freedom of movement. I want to feel confident and look good to myself for myself. Food is a big part and I'm noticing that the workout portion will be even bigger.

Once upon a time in a land far away I worked out daily and completed a Beach Body program called Slim in Six. I turned 40 that year and it was the best shape I had ever been in. I moved and worked and wasn't able to maintain it for the long term but it still sticks in my mind that I can and did accomplish it and it felt great. Why not re-create that experience right now? I have the time and the means to do it! So, there it is. I'm off to the races, writing, working out and eating within a set of guidelines. It's about time my Vision boards be realized! Your timing not mine!

Oh... wrapping up, going to any lengths for me right now is to be willing to be safe and careful with my body in the workouts and be SORE and do whatever I need to to take good care of myself so that I can continue at a steady pace. Little by slowly I will arrive healthy, wealthy and wise!

Going to any lengths, what does that mean? I signed up for FitnessPal the other day. I still had a login from 2014. Are you fucking kidding me? That's 8 years ago! I have made zero progress in my weight and fitness goals/management in EIGHT fucking years??? Of course that is NOT entirely true, right? I have stopped drinking (2014), I got smober (stopped smoking cigs 2015), I got pseudo clean of sugar (2020). I went thru menopause (past tense?) that's got to count for something. I've retired, I've moved into my dream, forever home with more space and freedom than I can dream of for hiking and exploring... 

Yes, all that "progress" yet here I am still over weight and out of shape and thinking about it every DAMN day. I asked myself this time, "How I can actually approach it differently? How can I actually make the true progress this time?" Translation: moving on! Establish a CONSISTENT work out routine that is comprehensive but not too strenuous or time consuming. Dare I say an enjoyable habit of movement? Cook and eat without examining every calorie and micronutrient, just eat healthy, satisfying, moderate meals when I'm fucking hungry. There it is, how's that for a goal? Goals, actually... there's two biggies there.

I've tried NOOM and Weight Watchers, Eat Right for Your Type, Crazy Sexy Diet, Plant Based, Belly Busting, Alkaline Reset, Diets Don't Work, Intuitive Eating... OMG. The list goes on... and on... now I'm back to FitnessPal a full circle of trial and error. OK I won't say failure, because I have learned a few things, for sure.  I'm just so ready to be DONE! To be complete and neutral when it comes to exercise and food. I love to cook. I love to eat. Enough of all that, you get the idea. I'm sick and tired and hopefully I've reached some sort of bottom... again? finally?

Why am I here? Like here, writing this and actually planning to post it? Because my word for 2022 is UNITY. Not ALIGNMENT, which I prayed for, for years (Did I just write pray? Stop the presses! A story for another day). Alignment is an alliance of factions. (MY first link here to the most amazing app for word nerds, Word Hippo, LOVE it!) UNITY is the state of forming a complete, harmonious whole. Totally different vibrations / realities for me. Who knew!? What a difference a day makes or a word! My recent focus on Unity within my own head provided the opportunity and willingness to sign up and show up for a Hay House 4 day Free Writer's challenge and, wait for it, WRITE about this fucking annoying health/eating/fitness journey DAILY! UNITY within my own heart, at least for a few minutes, has provided me with a brilliant solution full of wonder and possibility. It reminds me of something David Sedaris said in his Master Class about the gifts of writing and having to write out of necessity... He wondered what other people do who experience difficult nasty things in life and don't have the outlet of writing. (That's a horrible paraphrase, sign up and take his class, it's awesome!) David, you're my second link! Love you man!

So many things come to mind to rant on and on about. It is, therefore, time to end this for today. Let it marinate and read it later to edit out any blatant insanity or unclear bull shit before I post it. Thanks in advance for listening. Maybe you'll learn something or maybe you'll just be entertained... is it too much to ask that both things happen? Stay tuned. I, for one, do believe in magic! Do you? 

P.S. Credit to Dmitry Kokh & the Guardian for these amazing images of polar bears. Taking an old, abandoned beat up weather station as a new home... see the connection there folks?
​
And here's the link to Hay House Writer's challenge Reid and Kelly thanks for the kick in the butt and it's only day 2.

Thanks to Bill Maynard, Wildlife Photographer (E: bmaynard@coolwildlife.com   W: www.coolwildlife.com)
for this image of a saw-whet owl (the winner of the Canadian Geographic birds category in 2012 and it is still hanging proudly on the Canadian Museum of Nature all these years later in the form of a banner that is probably 30 feet long)

I recently completed an Insight Timer mediation that explores the Akashic field where shamans roam and your spirit guides hang out waiting to make your acquaintance. Excellent zone! The meditation is amazing. Thanks to "The Honest Guys".... Yep, so I met up with an owl that looked very much like this one! 

That's enough for today. 

Anterograde amnesia is a loss of the ability to create new memories after the event that caused amnesia, leading to a partial or complete inability to recall the recent past, while long-term memories from before the event remain intact. 

I'm inclined to make a New Year's resolution regarding posting daily once again. I did find it useful, inspiring and often enlightening. I am also inclined to utilize the blog as a daily source of re-minding myself of a set number of things that I seem to constantly forget.

If you haven't watched the movie 50 First Dates, then you may want to check it out... The woman in the story had anterograde amnesia. To make life workable (not a Ground Hog Day re-run) she created and watched, first thing every morning, a video summary of her life since her accident. I don't care to explain it any further. If it doesn't make sense, go watch the movie for $2.50 on Amazon Prime and come back.... 

I have noticed how forgetful I am over time. I manage to experience important epiphanies and forget them again shortly after. I'm practicing, currently, how to experience the feeling of loving an animal without fear. I'm good with the IDEA of loving an animal, I'm good with caring for an animal... I can DO things. I can THINK about things... actually FEELING the feeling is a bit tougher for me. I shut down a lot of my heart, apparently, when it got trashed early in my childhood.  I had a flash back of my Bulldog puppy, King, dying when I was seven. But I digress... the point is I am contemplating using this platform on a daily basis to re-mind myself of the important things... 

Maybe daily is too much? I have nothing else to do, though, really, so why not? I already do a lot of shit mostly every day: journal, play guitar, meditate, do yoga, walk, track shit... why not add another thing? The post could be a word or an image, I don't have to write a book every day.

I miss the flow of writing here. I miss the tongue in cheek humor that seems to spill out... I miss swearing in "public"... Fuck Yeah! I miss being myself... irreverent and thoughtful and silly. I am planning on getting my poetry published in some fashion this year... perhaps this could also act as a story about that process... so many fucking possibilities it boggles and overwhelms me. So there it is. I'll see you tomorrow... or not... watch the movie, or don't. I have come a long way baby and your life is not my concern. I can only put it out there... it's a thought provoking and silly romantic comedy. 

• Today I am grateful for being done with political bullshit at least for the moment. I stopped listening years ago now, finally, my partner has also stopped tuning into the chaos, fear, twisted and manufactured crap that masquerades as objective journalism. The resentment is not gone, obviously, just writing this gets me fired up and angry. I have, however, decided to shelve it for now. I'll stash it away down the hall in an obscure little room of my vast beautiful life and let it go.
• Today I am grateful to have writing as my outlet and constant companion on this journey. Expressing it here in a more public format has it's own blessings so I'll ponder continuing this practice for the days, months and years to come.
• Today I am grateful for the love of my life and all the present and future joy and adventure that is held in that space.
• Today I am grateful for my home and the wildness surrounding it that beckons and seduces and delivers magical bountiful nature.
• Today I am grateful for food and friends, humor and laughter. I am grateful for the gifts of forgiveness and freedom and rain and chickadees and stone and warm light.

I will continue this again. The calling has returned. Perhaps someone is listening who will be inspired to their own gratitudes! 

Believe it... or not. 
I will not rescue you.
You are not lost.
 
I cannot make you whole.
You are already rounded
and uncut and undivided.
 
Isolation and aloneness are illusions.
You are never deserted or forsaken.
 
I will never see you fail.
Only merit and gain are your essence.
Your only path to ascend and prosper.
 
I am not able to relieve your scarcity.
For all things already flow without limit,
available for your choosing.
 
And I choose not to abide any petty
rules, boundaries or doctrines
No matter how complex or simple, difficult or easy.
 
Requirements do not exist,
Conditions are not reality.
There is nothing you MUST do… only be.
 
You, Lovely Soul, I will not judge or condemn.
That is not my nature.
None is better or lesser.
 
To You I send only angels.
To You I grant the freedom, power and knowledge
to be, like Me and create Your ultimate experience of Yourself.
 
Believe it or not.
All IS well.
Life, Light and Spirit
without end.
Amen.

​Laurie McCauley 10/20/2020

This is the second poem that showed up on my door step yesterday morning. Brilliant wishful thinking on my part, don't you think!! 

Love Courage Peace
If only I could write a word –
or carve it or paint it
or draw it and have it
STICK
 
Have the meaning stay present,
the subtleties live on in my mind
and actions,
thoughts and feelings.
 
If only I could DO SOMETHING
for once
that stays forever
that doesn’t slip or fade or degrade.
 
I am craving a sure footing
a solid place to stand
a firm rail to grab
a holy place of pause and safety.
 
Let the universe fly by outside
in all its chaos & drama & blah blah blah.
I want none of it.
 
I choose a quiet, still, calm
eye of the storm,
to gather myself
and hold myself
and write words
that STICK and
SINK IN
to all that I am.
 
ENOUGH.
 
9/8/20

When I sat down to journal this morning I wrote the following bit spontaneously:

"My serenity is my own - my rock - my inner calm is my haven and core of safety. There is nothing outside me any longer. It has all come inside to dwell - quietly, joyfully or sadly with anguish. There is only the world I make or say or create - that is all love. And while we learn, we remember, we observe, we experience."

I then went on to write about some dreams that I had and do my usual doodling and after a bit I got around to writing a poem because I had an appointment with a poetry friend. That's what we do. We meet each week and share poetry. We had missed the last few weeks due to various vacations and commitments so I didn't have anything new since the last time we talked. Thank God for Annie! I wrote this... well this came through and relates to the first bit that I quoted above. 

The Space Inside
​
There is no “out”
inside.
The only “space”
is "in."

There is no space
empty of experience.
There is no experience
for which I am not the source.
 
There is no source
with meaning.
In all meaning I am responsible
creator and created.
 
There is no responsibility
where freedom does not thrive.
 
There is no explanation.
There is no reason or logic.
 
Only intuition.
BEING the fearless images
I source from the
inside out.

Laurie McCauley 9/8/20

That was always the tidy last line of every childhood story or fairy tale, yes? The ending we all secretly wished for. We were somehow magically satisfied and hopeful when the final conclusion included: "...and they lived happily ever after..."

If it didn't... we felt cheated somehow and miserable and  dangling forever, the story left in a shadowy limbo without that happy ending. We still want this... BTW... Hollywood has also set it up that way.

Well I'm speaking for myself here, obviously, I wouldn't put words in your mouth! Today I'm wondering: "?What then?" what came next, for real, once Cinderellas' foot fit the fucking slipper and the prince came to carry her away? That's just it? Yep, that's just "THE END" because the wise fairy tale writers knew better than to say what it might be like in that magical place of happily ever after. Did you ever notice there's no Cinderella or Snow White sequel? That's up to us to imagine or figure out or just forget about it and let it lay undiscovered but hazy and "nice." We just kinda know that it wouldn't include loads of manual labor, being indentured to mean pseudo relatives, poor, alone, miserable and fearful.

Happily ever after... it's one of those end of line cultural phrases like "I'm fine." when fine is the one thing you are totally NOT. But it's acceptable and conclusive and the end of the politically correct not "TMI" story.

(There are so many things I take for granted on a daily even moment by moment basis. These crazy "COVID Times" have made that patently clear, for sure... take a moment and be grateful because you never know what's next! )

So what brought this on? Maybe it's my 55th birthday coming up tomorrow? Or perhaps it was the huge / small / constant annoying arguments with my partner that took place all day on Thursday? Those arguments left me wondering about myself and my rapport with long term relationships. Or the brush with death, not my death, a pet death, but still, death.  Anyway, something cracked me open and hit me hard for some fucking reason.

All I know is they just showed up this morning, some of those <<<<BIG QUESTIONS>>> 
Have I arrived? Am I already here?
Am I with my "soul mate" (another cultural knee jerk phrase). 
Am I living in my "forever home" now?
Basically... Am I currently experiencing my own "happily ever after?" and if I am... is this what I want it to look like? What the Fuck do I want it to look like?

OMG? once those types of questions are posed I'm stuck, I'm hooked, I can't just drop it or let it go. I have to peruse, pursue, persevere, and ponder until some sort of answers settle in...
I have to start with. "Am I currently living with my forever guy?" Holy fucking shit... what a shit storm of bullshit expectations and crap cascades out of the past on that one! Wow! 

I want details, daily schedules, annual and seasonal days of observation and traditions (like a fucking holy calendar of holiday and Saints days...). I'm looking for that Step by Step Guide that outlines nicely the "ups" to expect and the tell tale signs of "downs" to come as well as what to do with all the "in between times". I'm searching for the Holy Grail Instruction Manual for my own life and the relationship I'm "meant to have." What will the relationship look like? Sherlock and Watson... all crime solving and mysteries? Redneck backwoods preppers with awesome fire arms and bunkers, food hording and fall out shelters? How about an musical theme with a first chair and conductor, (or lead guitar and vocalist) loads of instruments and singing, like a 21st Century Sound of Music on steroids? We could go all B&B on the situation and cutesy and foodie and politically correct with yurts and composting toilets... Or we could just be ourselves, like our decor style, a mash up of craftsman, Adirondack and steam punk with a little art deco, Grateful Dead and Frank Lloyd Wright thrown in. 

I do know a few things for sure...

1. I create my reality through my thoughts and choices... no debate from me on that one. A huge intense and amazing responsibility... whoot, whoot!
2. I do not need to be in a hurry about any of it. Urgency is an illusion, another cultural contrivance. 
3. There will be the ongoing development and the definite inclusion of daily moment by moment thoughts and behaviors in alignment with: Trust, Respect, Kindness, Listening and Honesty. I'd say Love but that's another knee jerk word... too vague with baggage.

Everything else is up for examination, definition, exploration and qualification... including how often, how much, when, what does it look like specifically? how does it feel exactly? how does it change with the seasons? Regarding things like:

• Support, Friends, Family, Sex, Food, Exercise, Intimacy, Hobbies, Health, Fitness,
• Food... did I say food? Exercise... Ugh... Maybe Yoga! 
• Play, Chores, Commitment, Money. Sharing, Talking, Music, Art
• Shopping, Planning, Parties, Fire Pits, Guns, Hiking etc. ad nauseam 

You know the rest of stuff in life... I get to go through and check it out... with the starting line of this story... I'm living happily ever after and it looks, feels and smells like this:
​Wicked Cool... thanks for the wake up call!

What are YOU up for in your version of "happily ever after" ?

I've been thinking about posting again. So... here goes. It's been awhile and the older I get the more I realize everything goes in waves... feast then famine so to speak. Ultimately I'm totally OK with that. Why not? Not much point in fighting it, really, although that never stopped me before. Yikes!

I'm listening to "When Things Fall Apart"... Pema Chödrön. (Another sign of the modern age, I'm not "reading" it, I bought the book but I'm listening via Audible.) Thanks to Krista Tippett and her interview with Devendra Banhart. I found Pema on my own decades ago but there's that wave thing again... in and out, here and gone and back again.  She is of course much more eloquent... things come together and they fall apart, come together and fall apart... you just need to have room for it all. 

I've been writing still to myself, for myself and reading every day. My favorite book lately is "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" Robert Fulghum. This morning the passage that came across to me was "Grandfather"... Fabulous. You'll need to get the book I guess and read it. I'll give my impression but I'm sure you will have your own revelation when you read it.  Basically miracles happen every day to ordinary people like us... Murphy's Law works both ways. It is really about focus and perspective... I'm moving right along a flow of some sort... I just wrote a poem about my superpower. That's it! But the poem, I just realized, needs work before I post it. It has so many windy roads... fabulous and fun! In the meantime I have a bit about the fucking virus shutdown... sorry... not sorry. Yes the FUCKING virus shutdown, quite a cosmic cluster fuck, thank you government and media! It's all already old news. Holy fucking shit I wrote this little observation on March 24th... It's May 23 almost two months ago! I wonder what I will say about this five or ten years from now? I guess that's enough from me for now. I'll check in again soon. Promise!

Time OUT
How long will it last?
How long will it take?
For you to SLOW Down?
To Open up – to Breathe?
To sit quietly and
Contemplate your navel…?
 
Are you still rushing,
When there’s nowhere to go?
Have you noticed the tension?
The undercurrent of urgency?
There it is… constant, nagging,
Dictating your reaction and response
Judgement – expectation
Hurry!
 
Are you frantic and anxious?
For no apparent reason
Or something outside your control?
 
Time out friend…
Go to your corner
Close your eyes
Contemplate your navel
For awhile - Head down - No fidgeting!
 
The Universe – THIS universe
Where our planet lives
Has declared, decreed
Indubitably, Pause or DIE.
Stay home – take care
Time out!
 
Be careful, pay attention,
Be aware, wash your hands
Or DIE or
Risk killing someone you love.
But - DON’T PANIC… =)
 
Take the gift
Accept the challenge
To look in - Press pause
Enjoy the social isolation.
Be grateful and consider our
Culture and society…
 
Who knew toilet paper
Would every become Currency…
Or we would declare war on a micro-organism…
 
Be careful, pay attention,
Be aware, wash your hands
Or DIE or
Risk killing someone you love.
But - DON’T PANIC… =)
 
3/24/2020
Corona Virus shut down… 

A ray of light and inspiration shot through the dark, foreboding, gloomy and threatening atmosphere yesterday. While I've been feeling and spinning and reeling with the political environment and the behaviors of ALL those involved (Media, Democrats, Republicans, "ad nauseam"), I've been searching for some sense. There is a reason for everything, yes? Muddled inquiring minds, like mine, are eager to attempt to draw it out, speculate, wonder and/or just sit back and be fascinated and shocked and disgruntled or all of those at once. 

Yesterday I was curious how the media would report the recent acquittal and what the Democratic and Republican responses might be.  Romney's passionate break from the party, odd how that got more airtime than Trump's acquittal? and I just can't get the image of Pelosi tearing up Trump's speech out of my head. (Probably because the media shows it over and over.) I don't want those hate-full things in my head! I hark back to political conversations with close friends or family, whose fangs came out, such that I didn't even recognize them. I became defensive and afraid for my own safety and sanity. (And I don't give a flying fuck about politics.) Some friends even expressed genuine FEAR for the safety of their family and way of life. Puzzling, disturbing... When considering whether or not to bring up or even respond to anything even remotely related to politics I, frankly, run screaming (in my mind).

What the FUCK is the matter with people? All civility and kindness, cooperation, collaboration, anything remotely resembling a curious, thoughtful, solution minded adult discussion is apparently not available. Civil war? Are you fucking kidding me? What media monster planted that notion?  WTF people? Hate and war is never an answer to anything! I don't recognize our country. I'm embarrassed by ALL OF THEM, everyone!

Anyway, I've been wondering why it was all getting under my skin and bothering me so much. What is is? It's not the "issues" or legislation or guilt or innocence, really. I'm Independent and ALWAYS have been so I'm not wedded to either Red or Blue. The blame game bullshit is NOT NEW, people, it's just raised to a fever pitch. It has been building for about a decade, maybe more. Slowly becoming more acceptable to be rude and invasive, disrespectful and decisive.  The public, my friends and family, everyone has been allowing it. What am I defending? What's really bothering me? The paradox of speak freely but don't offend or else... ? What is it? Really?

Perhaps, I'm upset because my friends are fearful. I'm upset because they've allowed themselves to become defensive and full of blame and hate. True, true... and I can go on and on how it's all the media's fault or the politicians run riot.  Family and friends have lost their perspective and their serenity and their common sense about facts and objectivity and the concept of holding journalists responsible to actually report facts not opinions. I personally have ZERO INTEREST in their "informed" opinions, ANY OF THEM... CNN, FOX, ABC, NBC, CBS. I'm not interested in name calling and blaming. I would like the facts... the back ground, an inside look a FUCKING FAIR AND OBJECTIVE report. I'll make up my OWN MIND, form my own fucking opinion!! Anyway.... BREEATHEE see how easy it is to go sideways?! Yikes! Oh no, wait that's the co-dependent, care-taking me, worrying about others too much! My poor defenseless tribe, I have to take care of THEM! Please, step aside, let me be ENRAGED for YOU, because you are obviously clueless and being taken advantage of and can't take care of yourself. WTF!!??

Then the actual truth showed up in a moment of clarity and light, the thing I am most upset about is the mirror this is holding up for me. I have allowed them, all of them, to make me feel unsafe and afraid. I have chosen to react and defend or duck and avoid.  The unadulterated hate and venom has poisoned me also and I've sanctioned, certified, endorsed, tolerated it ALL! I'VE SWALLOWED IT HOOK LINE AND FUCKING SINKER! Shit, seriously! No wonder I'm so upset! I've sold my soul to these assholes and ALLOWED them to sow hate and fear in my life. In my own living room and coffee shop between people who are close to me.  Be what you want to see in the world, right?! The guilty one isn't OUT THERE, it's in HERE. I can be creative, I can be brave and face the nastiness and remind people to be open minded, patient, civil, kind and thoughtful.  It will take effort and mindfulness and humor!

Somehow I've got to find the humor and lighter side, turn the tide through my own choices and "rise above" the bashing and spew. Horrible haters and manipulators of all sorts that have always been here and aren't going anywhere. Thank God I can choose to focus on the goodness, the solution, the grace, the serenity that is also always present.

​That's it. Thank God for lightening bolts. It's been an uncomfortable environment lately. It's just a very scary side of myself that's poking out. Say hello, get to know it, shift and let go.  The only thing I even come close to controlling, barely, is me. I guess I needed the powerful reminder and I do feel better.

Today I choose to be open, kind, serene, SAFE, honest, and responsible. I choose to remain aware and observant of  anyone or anything I ALLOW to push my buttons or trigger me into any behavior or feelings other than those. Pass it on... if you choose!

Stand back, please!
Look away!
I'm becoming - I'm just becoming over here.
Nothing to see.

I'll be back shortly, perhaps.
Or it may take awhile.

PLEASE DON'T STAND AROUND!
DON'T BOTHER TO WAIT, REALLY!

I'll be fine. I'm just becoming over here.
Nothing to see.

I get a sense that I'm becoming 
what I once was.
I'm UN-BECOMING - really.
Washing, cleansing,
Peeling, scrubbing.
NOT "healing" over!
NOT covering up!

I'm simply removing some
Un-needed, un-necessary,
Add-on layers of B.S. -
All sorts...
(religious - cultural - familial - corporate - emotional - environmental)
BULL SHIT thoughts and insane behaviors.
ILLUSIONS and B.S. all can go... Adios!

I'm just going to be un-becoming
for a bit
over here
Nothing to see!
I'm doing fine!
Move along!
Don't Wait Up!

I'll be "right with you" when I'm good and ready.
In the mean time... love you, miss you, be back soon.

Laurie McCauley
12-21-2019
​clarity strikes!

Forgiveness is an essential element of enlightened, serene living... at least, I guess, that's what I heard.  I haven't had much to do with forgiveness on my journey so far. I understand the concept of course. I hear about others and judge them easily regarding their ability and circumstances to forgive and forget or either or neither.  I've had people do nasty things to me or thoughtless, hurtful things and I just let it go. At least I think I did, didn't I? It's so hard to really tell sometimes, honesty or just awareness of feelings is a tough one.  More on that later. 

For example, apparently, I've been exceedingly angry and resentful at myself for a long long time! Like forever! Fuck! I discovered this on September 19, 2019. I was determined to force some sort of memorable milestone worthy of the sweet date numerology so... I induced the labor so that 9-19-19 will forever be the day I finally forgave myself for being born on this planet.

That's a wowzer statement, I suppose. It assumes you know me, I guess. So, first off, I'm an introvert, I just found that helpful label (thanks to: The Introverted Mom, Jamie Martin). I'm very sensitive and baffled by how fucked up people can be regarding each other, entire races, the planet, religion, OMG... etc. etc. I also take full cosmic and physical responsibility for my life, how it started, where I'm going and where I've been. Expectations and overwhelm have been  ongoing themes and I've had to develop a very tough, thick exterior to muddle my way through all the thoughtless insanity of the human race. I was born to a fucking child and wife abuser. If I was provided the universe of potential planets and experiences and lives to choose from, why would I choose that? I've been doing a lot of digging and "work" prior to this trans-formative date. Thanks to my abusive parent I was apparently left hopeless and insecure (see Pyschosocial Stage 1 -Erik Erikson). If the shoe fits! So without getting any deeper into my belief system... bottom line, I forgive myself for choosing this excessively beautiful and horrific planet.

So, big deal, really for sure! Totally worth the fabulous 9-19-19 date designation... why? What this means is I can ALLOW myself to align because I've given up the ghost, for real. I forgive myself for being here and all the shit that goes with that good and bad.

• I cease to resist. I trust and conform to the natural laws.
• I terminate my resentments - I love life.
• I leave off my anger - I am at peace.
• I surrender to my pain - I accept what is.
• I free myself from frustration - I am SAFE.
• I surcease judgments and expectations - I am free.
• I allow alignment -> trust -> flow

I'm in the process of forging a brilliant analogy: a prison cell, me in the cell. All the breakthroughs I'd had until the 9-19-19 allowed me to notice the cell, to find the lock, to see there was a key that was needed... to even find the key and a tiny step stool to reach the lock. Forgiveness provided that final bit on how to jiggle and twist the key in the mechanism to actually get the fucking thing open! A crack, perhaps, but open! Back in the saddle, indeed!

The Tree Swallows are here to nest again this spring. Chris has dedicated his considerable photographic talent to capturing their images in flight. The many warblers in the woods will have to wait for fame and fortune until next May. Dusk is best light for perfect swallow exposure from our south facing lodge. The camera has a special focus setting which provides the slightest possibility of successful clarity on such a speedy target. It's challenging to understand the difficulty of this until you try it yourself... just try to keep the little jet-pilot-like fliers within the scope of a pair of binoculars.  I can barely track them with the naked eye - swooping and pulling up and dipping and diving suddenly, sporadically... with apparently no visible rhythm or reason. I wish I could also see the tiny flying insects they are after. Like they graphically track the golf ball on TV. Once the pros swing their club the ball gets a colorful tail that allows you to actually make out where it is and where it ends up. How awesome would that be if the swallow prey had digital trails. A massive, huge swirling colorful beautiful mess of flight patterns would appear and disappear across the sky. Golondrina Bicolor (Spanish)or Hirondelle bicolore (French).

Growing up in Colorado, in Lakewood, a suburb of Denver. Despite it's name, Lakes were few and far between spying a Barn Swallow was a rare treat. In the LA area I would be temporarily hypnotized by them at stop and go lights where they would nest and hunt. To have them here, literally in my back yard, has provided bliss beyond measure. Last Spring Chris installed nesting boxes all around the field and we had numerous residents take us up on the offer of shelter. This year the number and spread of options for shelter was expanded. It's safe to say we have our very own flock of tiny daredevil flyers to observe. There are at least 12 occupied aeries with a pair each so 24. As we excavate the land around the lodge apparently loads of ants and other insects are being uncovered and exposed to the feathered noshers. Seeing them on the ground momentarily gives your eyes a chance to focus and appreciate their color and fragility. 

I am grateful for so many fabulous, wonderful, astounding and ordinary things daily. I had to pick one to discuss here today and the swallows delight me. Their flight is smooth and fast. Sometimes comparison provides clarity... other birds are choppy and drooping or dippy as they fly from A to B. Swallows just glide their flapping barely visible. What is it about that movement that I find and feel so pleasing? The ease of it? The graceful quality... the sudden changes in direction with such agility and finesse? Like watching anything that is expert at it's occupation. Now that I consider it, I absolutely relish watching Robins run and stop and listen and run and grab the earthworms they HEAR... under the grass I clumsily trod on. The little lines of evenly spaced Robins advancing across the lawn in an adroit and orderly fashion is another favorite sight. 

So here I go about to wax philosophical... I'm a bit jealous, I realize. They are graceful and at ease because they were born to do that thing... perfectly suited skills to the tasks at hand. Their purpose matched expertly to their physical tools or vice versa. I have more faith than I once did. I do believe, now, that I'm suited for some purpose, perfectly and the environment will present. I can feel it getting closer and I'm happy to wait and watch the birds and love lodge life moment by moment.

Be well and blissful remember it's mostly illusion so you might just as well!

I've been reminded lately that poetry writing is a choice for me. That I can write whenever I choose. I'm noticing lately through the Coming Home to Yourself Insight Time course by Sarah Blondin that I am actually afraid of me... myself... pain, vulnerability, let down, hurt, etc. etc.  The tattoos on my wrists need to keep speaking to me and I need to keep listening!

Surrender!
Pause to Wonder!

In the meantime I need to remember that even if the landscape looks repetitive and unchanging, facing what seems to be the same obstacles every day, day after day... I am making progress. The days were not the same each day in Ground Hog Day because the author had changed, the agent, the principle was always changing. So it is with me and my exploration. Don't be discouraged by what seems to be repetitive actions and observations... keep listening. The messages grow more subtle as the goal gets closer and closer. The distance from self love grows smaller and smaller, the focus more and more precise and clear and automatic until the switch flips and there is no going back. Going back is not an option because the pathway has been thoroughly cleared and considered.

Redesign In Mind

Out with the old - in with the oldest
I have a lot of forgetting to do.
To make space for remembering
what's true!

This life designed
with redesign in mind
every path a part
every road perfection

Assemble - pretend
Awaken - realize
Dismantle - examine
Rally & reform

My life - my thoughts - my values
My ideas - my hungers - my body
My beliefs - my habits -
My mouth speaking

All subject to change without notice
exhaustive categorical renovation
consistently underway
completion not expected
until death due us part

Surrender to Wonder
Listen without Judgement
Enjoy the Journey
This is your life!

Laurie McCauley 4-15-2019

So that title needs some crazy fun explanations, yes?! You may say, like me, a week ago... Pat Meth who? Chris has been getting us tickets to various concerts at The Egg for over a year now. Apparently, Chris saw Pat Metheny in 1995 and has been a fan ever since. He's a Jazz Guitarist. I would never have chosen this concert, until Saturday March 30, 2019 I was not a huge fan of the disjointed-rambling funky style of Jazz. I am now a convert. It's official, I have a Pat Metheny Pandora station. 
So that's not even half the story, I'm setting the stage... the last time I went to the Egg... for Robert Cray (also wonderful) - the lead in band was fucked up... the speakers or equalizer or some shit was horrible I was vibrating so hard I had to get up and go outside for a bit. Robert Cray's band was fine once he came on. I also had a seat next to a just a bit too enthusiastic fan who tapped his foot so hard it felt like the back of my chair was being kicked by a kid at the movies. Not a pleasant overall experience, enough said.

This time I took my intuition's cue and meditated before we left for the theater.  I was much more calm and relaxed and open minded over all! I got the message in the first 20 minutes to just close my eyes and "ride" the music. I've often wondered how Chris could sit and listen un-distracted to his music for hours and hours. I guess I got a glimpse of the possibilities of that type of listening. I just enjoyed it... I floated and flew and soared and dived... I swam through the sensations and was present to the feelings of the sounds permeating me and then continuing... forever... 

I got the sense of the wonderfulness of this particular arrangement with two additional amazing and talented musicians on stage the keyboard player, James Francies, and the drummer, Nate Smith. Holy fucking shit!! They sent me. I get chills just writing this. I could feel the spirits around listening also, like crammed in the space... CRAZY! It got me wondering, and this is the question that really moved me to another entire life breakthrough... wait for it... 

How do spirits hear without ears? How do they experience sounds without the physical body to translate the vibrations? Weird thought, right!? The answer I got back was not an explanation but a realization of how fucking lucky I am to have a body... something I never really appreciated before. I've tolerated it, feared it, dealt with it... acknowledged the complexity of it, feared it, frustrated by it... anything but true love and appreciation, honestly. Now the spirits are actually envious... they enjoy the music in their way but it is not the same and apparently not as "tasty." I know the word envy and spirits or universe in the same context seems really weird to me too.  I had never "dared" or even thought to think of my life and body on this planet as unique and enviable. 

I don't feel as if I'm explaining it very well... maybe I'll write a book. Bottom line of all the lifeforms in all the universes that I could partake in I am apparently extremely fortunate for multitudes of reasons to be involved with this particular one. And I finally get it, like really get it! I sat in the chair and just opened to all the sensual input - so much... from every sense, all the time.  CRAZY NUTS... that's what the big brain is for... we're storing all that info all the time? Like everyone has hyperthymesia (HSAM - Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory) our recall button just isn't hooked up. Maybe then when we "die" we get to keep all those awesome memories and sort through and relive and remember all sorts of things for a couple of lifetimes before we come around again? Who knows... just ideas that came to me.  That doesn't matter one way or the other. What does matter is now I appreciate and love life, every experience, every feeling without judgement... at least I'm aligned now to do that. The resistance and resentments slowly melting away. I don't want to jinx it... but it is a whole completely new perspective that I want to shout from the rooftops.

Stay tuned!

Sometimes I have an idea what will show up on the page and other times not at all. I don't know then write. I don't twiddle and stress and digress over every word or punctuation or sentence. I write to know what my soul might want to communicate this day. I write to know that all is well and happening perfectly for a outstanding and possibly unknowable reason standing behind an ever fluctuating and glowing sparkling plan. The plan that I've created with my HP and I know, beyond trust and faith, I know that in the grand - grandest vision of the most incredible journey all is well.

My primary goal is to get out of my own way. To keep remembering that it is all illusion - my resistance - my fear - my anxiety - just one side of a joyful coin of beauty and love. Keep flipping it over! See... there it is! The image of flipping a coin, fabulous! Joy is the other side of sadness - serenity - anxiety all one and flowing with great waves back and forth - to and fro. I can use that tool today - I do write to know. Thank you Grace!

I think I'll call God - Grace - Grace be with you! Grace Bless You! Happy Day!

From my "Look Back" entry today... It got a lot of juices flowing. 

1. feel like shit, hit bottom - it can be bouncy
2. perseverance, optimism, the miracle is around the corner
3. realization - shit, something't got to be done!
4. get inspired - or deeply depressed - or both
5. get real detailed, figure out what works for who you are (who's that?)
6. lather, rinse, repeat steps 1-5 aka time passes (quantity unknown)
7. final breakthrough, epiphany, decision, change, surrender
8. Thank God or whomever or whatever. You can now move on to the next thing and start over!

I finally had a breakthrough around exercise. I wrote a couple of pages, just now all about it, which I accidentally deleted somehow. Time to cut my fucking fingernails short again! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! When you say it three times it's suppose to help! Anyway. I wrote the summary above, which is probably better anyway, and I'm out of time so I'll explain them individually later!

PS. I found a printed sheet of paper with this entry in a journal date range 3/13/16 to 10/12/16. The last entry:
I'm having an odd moment of clarity - finally-?!? regarding exercise.
I can be in optimal physical health - it is safe to express my love of exercise and feeling strong and powerful - there is nothing wrong with competition - with "winning" or possibly "losing" bottom line - it's SAFE & there is nothing wrong with BEING a powerful - strong - athletic - fit & fabulous person...

It goes on and on about resistant voices and fear of failure and wasted effort. "My body scares me - the complexity - scares me shitless... I have no fear of dying - I fear living. Curious and apparently I had not had the breakthrough yet... still trudging that mountain but making progress!

I just posted a Look Back page entry from Easter 2017. I love that the looking back posting is doing exactly what I originally intended: having me pause and reflect on where I was and where I am now.

Looking through several journals from the last few years (the older ones are still packed in boxes) there is so much about diets and weight. It got me thinking about how long I tried to stop drinking - decades. Looking back at my journals now it's plain to see when I was writing wasted and it's almost viscerally painful to read all the times I swore I would stop and how many things I tried before I finally "figured it out" and the time was right to be done.

That journal entry was on the pain and fruitlessness of expectations and "shoulds." I've come so far and yet  that continues to arise, that surrendering. I had a new client way down in Troy, NY about a 55 minute drive each way. I took the gig. I like the serendipity of how she found me. I also like the drive time to listen to books. The one I'm still on is Communion with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I enjoyed his Conversations with Good books but this one is SO CLEAR and so incredibly enlightening and resonating. Everything, each Illusion, is so revealing of the truth of things that I thought I knew and, honestly, I was correct to resist a lot of what was being taught. I truly enjoy the extreme relief and ultimate freedom and love provided by the message and I choose to believe it's true. It makes sense!

I was asked to create a poem about/around/considering/wondering/pondering the word/idea/feeling/meaning/ of vulnerability. I read what D. Whyte had to say and transcribed quite a bit from his Consolations book on the subject. I wrote in my journal also that day or the very next the following poem:

Vulnerable Joy
The lines are down,
fallen on the page.
The way I saw them 
in my heart.
Everywhere I gaze
the outline of my life
is perfectly cast down.

Like pickup stix
that form a grand design,
hidden until now.

Like an obscure Rorschach blot
now reveals my imagined
image when the light,
is just so.

Not all-but many
of the pages of my
coloring book are drawn - 
beautifully - gracefully
lovely - sketched.
Revealing my true hearts'
desire and passion.

"There it is - Cherished One.
Trust yourself.
This is your life,
release into it."

As I color the pages
adding more life
more depth 
I pause - I wonder

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!

I'm vulnerable and grateful 
for each perfect stroke!

Laurie McCauley 1/2/2019

"There is no path, you make the path by walking." Antonio Machado

Being aware of my thoughts lately has been a bit painful. Painful only because I apply my judgement and expectations. From a purely observational perspective I could use some new and interesting distractions for my mind to travel along and beside. Perhaps a list in my pocket or on my phone; my own "Fun to ponder list". Left to my own habits it's pretty boring and hum drum in here. I find it repetitive and defensive, a bit scarcity based and constantly judging. I begin the CCE Master Gardener program today. I imagine that will provide fodder for my thought-scape. 
I had a grand distraction Sunday morning. I mailed this poem to myself. It arrived Saturday. I didn't open it until I had a quiet moment to myself Sunday morning. I guess I had a feeling it would be powerful. To myself from my higher self, Trinity.

Laurie - Beautiful - Lovely - Brilliant - Laurie
All there is to do - is listen
to you own heart
Follow your own song
to the beat of the drum within.

Do not despair or grow impatient
Like the tides ebb and flow - as the seasons go
So turn the circles of your time.

Within each breath be grateful
Talk to me - Listen - Breathe
Gracefully your life unfolds in time's time.
with wisdom and magic.

There is no other time but now.
There is no other love but ours.

Trinity.

Thanks! I needed that! I think I'll try thinking of clouds and flowers and trees and travel... I don't know. I guess I do need to make that alternate thought-scape list!

Did you know? Did I tell you the story of Sue Fischer? I did on August 24th this year. The blessings continue through Facebook of all things. I noticed a private message from a woman that I also knew from the old days in Colorado. Sue and Margaret had kept in touch over the years. Sue and I had kept close. Sue was my link to Margaret. With Sue gone I expected the link to Margaret gone as well. Enter Facebook... Margaret saw a post I made on Sue's page and reached out. We spoke recently on the phone for the first time in decades. I was pleasantly surprised to hear the sound of her voice was the same and the energy and spirit was as loving and beautiful as days of old. 

Have I come so far, really, from the time then? So much and so little has shifted and morphed; changed and stayed precisely as it has always been. I have an image of flying or swimming through layers of repeating color and temperature and texture. Like ascending the mountain the same view from different altitudes. The same feelings from a different place in time. The same and different at once. 

For all this I am grateful and wouldn't change a fucking thing! 

David Whyte, Krista Tippet Interview, On Being, December 27, 2018 "...the deeper discipline of poetry is overhearing yourself say things you didn’t want to know about the world, something that actually emancipates you from this smaller self out into this larger dispensation that you actually didn’t think you deserved."

Well, I always say that poetry is language against which you have no defenses. "

Vulnerability is not a weakness, a passing indisposition, or something we can arrange to do without, vulnerability is not a choice, vulnerability is the underlying, ever present and abiding undercurrent of our natural state. To run from vulnerability is to run from the essence of our nature, the attempt to be invulnerable is the vain attempt to become something we are not and most especially, to close off our understanding of the grief of others. More seriously, in refusing our vulnerability we refuse the help needed at every turn of our existence and immobilize the essential, tidal and conversational foundations of our identity.
To have a temporary, isolated sense of power over all events and circumstances, is a lovely illusionary privilege and perhaps the prime and most beautifully constructed conceit of being human and especially of being youthfully human, but it is a privilege that must be surrendered with that same youth, with ill health, with accident, with the loss of loved ones who do not share our untouchable powers; powers eventually and most emphatically given up, as we approach our last breath.
The only choice we have as we mature is how we inhabit our vulnerability, how we inhabit our vulnerability, how we become larger and more courageous and more compassionate through our intimacy with disappearance, our choice is to inhabit vulnerability as generous citizens of loss, robustly and fully, or conversely, as misers and complainers, reluctant, and fearful, always at the gates of existence, but never bravely and completely attempting to enter, never wanting to risk ourselves, never walking fully through the door.
“Vulnerability.”
I found this word powerfully just a few days ago in a passage from the Daily Reflections, December 29, page 372  "The joy of living. The joy of good living is the theme of the 12th step. AA is a joyful program. Even so, I occasionally balk at taking necessary steps to move ahead, and I find myself RESISTING the very actions that could bring about the joy I want. I would not resist if those actions did not touch some vulnerable area of my life, an area that needs HOPE & FULFILLMENT. Repeated exposures to joyfulness has a way of softening the hard outer edges of the ego. Therein lies the power of JOYFULNESS to help all members."

And so the journey continues to clarify and reveal. Thanks to Krista and David... AGAIN.