Although I haven't written lately or meditated - per se - the actions and cooperation inspired by previous sessions has carried me forward - till now. Once again, though I'm in the process of reaching goals previously set - there is discord inside me. Back to daily meditation - to soothe me with myself. I tend to forget it's a life long "battle" / challenge. Lowering my voice, exercising, eating right, guitar and writing are not the end but the beginning.
During my last session with Trishuwa, she stressed the need for developing loving relationships with others - friends. I don't know where to begin. Inner council would be a good place. Friends scare me - opening up make me vulnerable and self conscious. How do close friends get there? What do they do together or say to each other?
The feelings about Corrie are still on my mind, but they're different now. They're not so insistent and plaguing. Whoever on my council responsible for those thoughts has, it seems, relaxed a bit. Perhaps she's been convinced, finally, by the others that there's a lot more to making a relationship work than attraction. Not only that, with the changes I've been making in my own life, it's not so unbearable any more. The meditation, music and changes with John inspired by Corrie have made a huge difference.
Pipe Circle Friday 7pm 25th
Wow, I was married at this point in time... once again it's astounding and fucking depressing the lack of progress I've made. I still have the same core issues I had TWENTY TWO years ago... how to make friends and get my exercise and eating under wraps! I do, however, totally give myself credit for the smober - sober progress. Looking back a few days in this journal revealed, of course, promises and conversations about going "cold turkey" with smoking and drinking...