I have come across, accidentally of course, the solution, finally to my eating and weight management journey. Yes, it's true! I'm not sure what I was doing when I stumbled across it but I ended up downloading an audio book called "Never Binge Again" by Glen Livingston. I listened to the whole book once and then started again and I love it. I'm not wild about the voice talent but the actual content is fucking perfect! I was done with Dr. Matt's plan it was just to restrictive and didn't jive with my natural hunger cycles. It also didn't ever allow for bread or pasta... ever and took too much time and thought on a daily fucking basis! Seriously I have time, but it was crazy unless I wanted to eat fake, protein shakes constantly. This book's philosophy and methods totally resonate with me! What I found most interesting:
As much as I would like to think and believe that I am impervious to the actions of others it's a big fat lie. The longer I'm sober the more I understand and realize why I drank. It was easier to deal with the pain, the hurt. Apparently rather than being immune and impervious, I'm the opposite, sensitive and vulnerable. I know that some people would say this is a good thing. It doesn't feel good when people are hurtful. Their intentionality doesn't matter so much (right now). Just the acknowledging of it and the what the FUCK do I do with THIS hurt feeling? I realize my response is a choice... but feeling the feeling itself is out of my control. So the word "HACK" just came to mind... Odd how words just appear and what a great word. I had no idea. I never considered using it outside of the obvious computer related meaning. I like it! I am going to hack the feeling... I can't hack the hurt! I'll create a hack or use a hack or be a fucking hack! I do love words! This is an unexpected gem =) hackverb (used with object) 1. to cut, notch, slice, chop, or sever (something) with or as with heavy, irregular blows (often followed by up or down): to hack meat; to hack down trees. 2. to break up the surface of (the ground). 3. to clear (a road, path, etc.) by cutting away vines, trees, brush, or the like 4. to damage or injure by crude, harsh, or insensitive treatment; mutilate; mangle 5. to reduce or cut ruthlessly; trim: The Senate hacked the budget severely before returning it to the House. there's a lot of hacking goin' on! 6. Slang. to deal or cope with; handle: He can't hack all this commuting. 7. Computers.
So I will make use of my new found knowledge of hacking to allow the feeling to resonate and reverberate and sink down and nestle in. No resistance only pausing to wonder and observe. Meditation has become an excellent hack! Go hacking! Some mornings there is only to write. That is all. To type out like working out with your thoughts via your fingers. Some things I think I don't feel open to share on this forum. So I'll write write that elsewhere. I guess I can comment on the general idea without details. The joy of finding and buying a dream home is an amazing once in a lifetime experience. It's something to share and people are happy for you, supportive and excited. I've been joking saying that Chris and I, instead of having a kid, are having a house. It feels appropriate and true although we have less anxiety, physical pain and sleep loss. It baffles my mind and it's basically unknowable why someone would choose to be distant and non supportive in such a time. It is all about them... something they are going through or suffering through or possibly a misunderstanding or old hurt... All there is to do then is to try to be understanding and set boundaries so their rain doesn't encroach on your parade... right? It's sad to watch, though and still puts a bit of a damper on the celebration. On the other hand the lack of outside involvement is allowing Chris and I to bond and make our own decisions about everything together... so in that regard it's awesome and perfectly perfect. Well... it IS perfectly perfect the universe is just waiting for me to figure that out. Who is available to support us and ultimately that we have each other to depend on in the end. I guess that's more and more obvious through this recent experience. What there is to do... this is all... to enjoy each moment blissfully aware of how precious it is and grateful for the joyous gifts all around me always. "Artist's Way: Week 1: Task 8: Imaginary Lives: If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them? I would be a pilot, a cowhand, a physicist, a psychic, a monk. You might be a scuba diver, a cop, a writer of children's books, a football player, a belly dancer, a painter, a performance artist, a history teacher, a healer, a coach, a scientist, a doctor, a Peace Corps worker, a psychologist, a fisherman, a minister, an auto mechanic, a carpenter, a race car driver, a sculptor, a lawyer, a singer, a hacker, a soap-opera star, a country singer, a rock and roll drummer. Whatever occurs to you, jot it down. Do not overthink this exercise.
The point of these lives is to HAVE FUN in them - more fun than you might be having in this one. Look over your list and select one. Then do it this week. For instance, if you put down country singer, can you pick a guitar? If you dream of being a cowhand, can you go horse back riding?" I completed this exercise last week and I was so moved, touched and inspired. What fun, really! Not to mention it just so happens that I am in a position to change my "career" so it's perfect to be thinking about it. My answers were... National Geographic Photographer, Poet Laureate, Field based scientist like Archaeologist, Anthropologist or Biologist, Philosopher/Author/Teacher and Wilderness Survivalist & Trainer. Juices are flowing! On the Alaska the Last Frontier show last night Ots mentioned that they have to be Imagineers to get things done around the homestead. THAT's an awesome title... of course DISNEY took it! Imagineer! The closing is TODAY on the new house. We're over the moon excited. Stay tuned!
Greetings I've just spent an hour or so reviewing and completing a bunch of "DRAFT" posts from all different dates... interesting that in Weebly when you save a draft post you can't change the date so each of those is forever linked to the original date I created them. Interesting... frozen in time. There was quite a spread in topics from bed making (7/25/17) to burning bridges (10/9/17) and a fun little poem (10/14/17). How fun to look back. It inspires me to look back in my journals and update that page today. So... I diverge from my original idea for the day... doesn't matter though! Excellent! So any how this is stream of consciousness writing, per Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way process. Amazing and wonderful way to start the day. No worries, I won't usually be blogging my every morning morning pages but felt like it this morning... Best totally yummy use of Celery Root... an amazing fall side dish using a fabulously ugly veg. One of my all time favorite pass times is to explore new weird fruits and veggies at the Farmer's Market and try a bunch of new recipes with that off the wall item. It was easier in Venice Beach. The Santa Monica Farmer's Market had way more odd choices that I find here... but it's still fun. So the delectable, scrumptious celery root discover is from Martha! Go Martha! Apple & Root Vegetable Hash As I munch on a bit of the hash with a scrambled egg this morning I'm listening to a wonderful Ted Radio Hour about how important it is to reach out and communicate with anyone and everyone and a few ideas on how to do that! Dialogue & Exchange! that is all for now... Quick thoughts...
It's Sunday and there's a meeting at 8 am then the Farmer's Market and I get to go off now and attempt to assist and be in service and LISTEN quietly and see what shows up! Excellent! Not sure where to start with this one... I guess expressing frustration, anger, angst, and annoyance... all directed toward yours truly. I do recognize that I am the source of all my own consternation. That only serves to make the search for a solution more exasperating. I have been on a love hate relationship journey with my latest wellness program (diet). I have experienced some success loosing 10 ish pounds and breaking the lowest lately weight. I had the supreme joy of shopping for a couple new pairs of jeans, an unexpected expectation that hadn't occurred to me. These successes acknowledged... I also have to admit that I am NOT enjoying it. It is WORK to come up with and stick to healthy, controlled eating of six meals per day. Am I making it harder than it needs to be... probably?! Am I experiencing repeated run-ins with "failure" and obsessive eating?! Most definitely. My coach has been supportive and consistent in his encouragement and focus on the bright side... tomorrow IS a new day... Today is Thanksgiving... I have given up trying to predict or control what I eat and I am still of the mind that somehow someday I will just WANT what is good... like children do before they learn to love or hate or covet or repel food. I had a major indulgent adventure yesterday... It started with a bagel... with butter... OMG which, I know now, creates further intense hunger in a short time. That hunger was only partly sated by two Hattie's thighs and had to finally be muffed out by a "little" Five Guys cheese burger (all the way) a little fry and a salted caramel milk shake. Yes, folks, this is what binge eating looks like on paper. The reality, in the moment, was savoring every bite and throwing out a good portion of the latter because I really DON'T like being stuffed no matter how good it is. (I think this is progress??!!). Bottom line... I want the ongoing weight loss without the work of planning and will powering through 6 fucking meals a day. I'm much happier eating nothing then binge eating later... the binge can be smaller and less fattening... without sugar is actually fine... I think I will bust out the book called Diets Don't Work and read that again. Bottom, Bottom line... my true pissed off-ness is created by my lack of internal integrity or alignment... I notice myself promising myself things "OK... now, the rest of the day I won't eat anything... " "Oh, one more... that's IT!" I'm lying to myself fucking constantly. I need to shut the fuck up, sit with this whole thing, write and figure out what I am willing to truly agree to and follow through with from here. For today, Thanksgiving... I will not overeat. That is all I'm saying for now. Live with it. Tomorrow IS a new day and I promise to sit down and review my situation again at that time. I am determined to be bemused regarding this entire wellness - diet - weight loss and eating conversation! Dammit! Only in the way of the LAST definition! bemused [bih-myoozd] adjective 1. bewildered or confused: a bemused expression on his face. 2. lost in thought; preoccupied. 3. mildly amused, especially in a detached way. We camped out at the new house for over eight hours yesterday. It was wonderful. An over the top opportunity to sit with the space and map it and check it out inch by inch. Our Realtor, Joan, arranged for all the necessary inspections and an appraisal on the same day. Overwhelming and fabulous and nicely efficient. This home is larger than the first one we checked out and that I show in pictures in a previous blog. There is also 4x more property. We were able to get an impromptu tour of the grounds including an active beaver lodge and damn, porcupine dens and a Heron nesting area. Wow!! I have to remind myself to trust and be fearless. I find myself spinning off into overwhelm and a bit of anxiety regarding the size of the place and the scope of projects to do as well as opportunities. Fuck - Fuck - Fuck!! We also get a range of reactions which reflect and mirror our own feelings... from skeptical disbelief to joyous celebration. That's the range of emotions I've been living in. I guess that's completely appropriate and perfect and it's grand that Chris and I are embarking on this whole thing together. I keep making a hand gesture reflective of reeling in a big fish... that's it... I have to keep reeling it in the expectations as well as the fears, the possibilities and the projects. It IS ALL GOOD and perfect and wonderful and exciting to be in the moment. THAT is where I resolve to stay rooted! Yeah! Post Script OH... the Doctor was absolutely wonderful! Well done Rappaport and Staff! Beyond reproach and I will post a positive review online for your timely, professional, courteousness! My faith in the existence of excellent medical professionals is restored... for now. =) I have an appointment this morning with a Dermatologist I've never seen before. The last one I interacted with here in Saratoga was unethical, uncaring and an ego maniac... yep! I actually went back to have a couple of moles removed that she suggested at $300 a pop... OMG!! I had melanoma and two surgeries to remove the cancer in 1995. I was advised by the dermatologist I saw at the time that everything was fine and I'm the one who asked that the mole be biopsied. In a nut shell... I don't have a good track record with doctor's being very useful. I have since then gone to see a professional every 6 months for the first five years then every year since... approximately. Based on Chris' referral I made an appointment with Rappaport and just finished reading his "rules"... His office sent out paperwork to complete in advance, which is fine for a new patient situation. I was a bit put off by the tone of the letter, perhaps he gets lots of abuse...? people who don't carry ID or provide their insurance card? or cancel appointments w/o notice or aren't aware they may need a referral for insurance purposes. The letter got me thinking and so I went online to look for reviews of Dr. Rappaport and it was a mixed bag. Chris just advised me to be patient when I get there, apparently he had to wait for awhile. This got my mind cranking on a different note. I am creating my own Patient Requirements & Requests that I would provide to any doctor I plan to see. Dear Potential Doctor & Staff, Welcome to my precious body, mind, spirit. I have successfully survived and thrived for 52 years in this bag of bones and know it quite well. I am intelligent, courteous, kind, curious, informed and respectful. I expect to be treated accordingly. To avoid any misunderstandings in this regard allow me to be very specific.
If you are not amenable to my expectations, I completely understand. Our cultural norm is quite divergent from what I've laid out above. That's fine... I can and will find a medical professional who is interested in partnering with me regarding wellness. One who finds my requests as obvious and thoughtful as I do and appreciates a human willing to require respectful as well as informed services. Please sign here that you and your staff have read and understand my requirements and requests... Primary Professional Names & Dates Staff Names & Dates I'll let you know how it goes over! =) I had stopped dreaming or wishing or wondering really. I'd put down the desire in a back room closet, not full of dust and cob webs, but not part of the daily thought train either. It's been hanging around for so long, 40 years, maybe more or less. The dream of being on safe land with a view. My community project is something of legend in my mind. It's suddenly visible, palpable, real and in front of me. Holy Shit! It lends a whole new meaning to the saying "Careful what you wish for." It's fucking SCARY it's so big and awesome and perfect. I guess I'm ready and I'm grateful I have my wits about me (for the moment anyhow). Now what?! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! (as Dee and I would say in the day!) I didn't realize how entrenched and attached I've become here, where I live now... familiar, comfortable, beautiful... home (Vista). Finally tending the garden with vigor and grace... finally sorting out what to keep and let go, what fits and feels right and not. Actually just being present and focused on other things. Holy shit... now we'll have this place... I cringe, fearful I'll jinx the thing. Better not to say that until it's done. We only just found it. We only just realized on Saturday how IDEAL it is in ways we hadn't even thought of, dreamed possible. Vista is home and perfection in it's own way maybe that's why the dream was on a backroom closet shelf. Maybe that's the secret? I'd accepted how superb and wonderful it it is right now where I am. Does that create space for dreams to manifest...? The letting go and kinda giving in? The timing is unbelievable a superb God wink an undeniable alignment. Just that awareness gives me the courage to continue. So many new challenges and lessons and adventures OH MY!! I have a whole new way of being, behaving, perceiving. Chris & I together, a completely new book to create together... not just a new chapter! That is all I can muster for the moment. My head and heart are a blur or thoughts and emotions. I had no idea anything could feel this way! I'm such a newbie at this!? Deep breath, stay present and ENJOY! Yep! I have a whole new level of compassion, understanding & appreciation for my move management clients. Yikes! Thoughts for later exploration: how does the place where you live define you? become part of you? how do people possible manage "being" in such different places? schitzo? It's faint but the memory is clear, what it was like after I first stopped smoking. There's an odd tender, frail and delicate space while the body - mind - spirit adjusts to a new way of being. For me the lack of a nasty, nagging, incessant, brutish internal dialog tempting me to smoke again was gone. This has become a hallmark for me that a real shift has occurred. It's never been so much about will power... "the obsession is lifted" in AA speak. I have no idea the source of the silence - it's magical and very hard earned at the same time. My persistence is all I can link to the three experiences I've had to date... alcohol on 4/14/14 - cigarettes on 7/25/15 and food on 10/13/17. Back to the topic. For the last shift, I am, right now, in the midst of the tender times... There's an awakening on a physical level - BIG TIME - sometimes gradual sometimes abrupt, always curious and interesting. I've finally been able to follow through without the negative talk and internal struggle. The two areas that happened at the same time this time were food and meditating. Perhaps one allowed or supported the other but it doesn't really matter... Food: the main changes were NO sugar... no starches or grains only veggies and protein. I'm on day thirteen of a 3 month program. I texted a photo of my journal to my wellness coach Dr. Matt Smith on a nightly basis with questions and feedback. I just finished a three day Master Cleanse style (lemon juice/maple syrup) detox. The program includes SIX fucking meals a day. I absolutely hated it at first. I had to just stay home in the mornings to adjust. If I didn't get the first couple of meals in the whole day was more challenging. Trial and error... or play and adjust... it's been interesting. I've had to be flexible and let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions. I've been able to let the experience reveal itself... SLOWLY... (that's another general take away... FUCKING be PATIENT! then be PATIENT SOME MORE... and AGAIN... yes... AND AGAIN.) The physical transformation is ongoing and amazing. I meet with Dr. Matt today to check in on weight, BMI, etc. I don't need him to tell me the changes are very positive. I want to eat well and exercise... WHAT!!?? YES! Shit... this is what I requested. Yeah!! The delicate days continue and I relish them... "the pink cloud" in AA speak. All wonder and gratitude, fascination and reverence, surprise and curiosity. It is like being reborn... truly. The old, habitual ways seem to drift away or peel off or come away with a good scrub. All that wasn't working is shifted like a mist lifting to reveal a reflection in a BIG bubble... colorful and brilliant, spinning and new, floating and fragile. Along the same time... I've been participating in a course by Drew Cali on Awakening Your Intuition. He insists, as the only homework, that we complete 15 minutes of a sitting still daily meditation. Sounds easy, right? Not when you have the internal "villainous voice" (I'm naming it... THE VV) constantly making excuses and fighting you tooth and nail. I recently had a break through on that front as well. I have enough meditations to sort through on an app called Insight Timer... it was overwhelming actually. I didn't know what I wanted or what would resonate. I finally came across Opening Your Chakras by DavidJi that was awesome. That led me to use Drew's actual CD. I started to combine the meditation with breathing techniques I learned from David Elliot when I studied with him in LA. POOF!! Like magic, seriously, no joke! I can't and I'm not going to try to explain what that was like right now. I don't have the words yet. I can say that afterward I felt grounded - solid and lighter and brighter at the same time. AWESOME and WEIRD! Trekking onward - awe inspired - light and lovingly! I've been fasting/detoxing as part of a wellness program and had lots of time on my hands with low motivation to go anywhere or do much... so... ENTER all the books that have been sitting around for years waiting on my attention. I noticed that I found a few lines in a few different books that struck me and decided to record them here... so I can donate the book and continue my shelf clearing exercise. =) It's a test... let's see if I can remember why I marked the lines I did. Uprooted by Naomi Novik Page 263 "But I didn't care. I knew myself for the first time in a week, standing on earth instead of polished marble." In the margins I wrote *I knew myself* ? Not to learn but to remember. (In the story the heroine had gone from her home in the woods to ask the king & the court for help and basically trying to please them lost herself AND go screwed over by the drama political centered fake people.) It speaks to my current journey to get to know myself and the idea that I'm not learning so much as remembering. My higher self hasn't changed... I'm just finally learning to tune into and listen to that channel instead of everyone else's static. I like the metaphor... there are lots of radio stations... tune into your own, by necessity you tune out other stations... you learn to eliminate the static, to hear more clearly, you can switch back and listen to other stations, parents, past, culture, religion... all different perspectives and chatter! The practice I'm creating is the ability to tune into my own station as often and clearly as possible. COOL! Excellent! same book page 91: "Unfortunately, the willingness to learn magic wasn't the same thing as being any good at it." In the story the girl has a different type of magic that her teachers don't understand and can't really explain or teach to her. She has to find her own way. She wasn't any good at "their magic" but she was a natural, of course, regarding her own. Interesting that I chose just now to type up the quotes in the order I did. God Wink... I just got an insight followed up with a supportive sentiment... NICE! So now do I have to keep this damn book!? Hee...hee....?? or can I still get rid of it? =) Velocity by Deen Koontz Page : "Stay low, stay quiet, keep it simple, don't expect much, enjoy what you have... Be self sufficient, don't get involved, let the world go to Hell if it wants." This quote struck me as a bit of a self mission statement. John asked me to create a mission statement and this just hit home. Especially with all the political unrest at the moment... and people worked up (thanks to the fucking media!). I do just plan on laying low and keeping to myself. I am NOT interested in trying to stop the world from doing anything. Maybe there's a plan! =) I'll stick with the bread crumbs from the first bits and continue on my journey to tune into myself. For now... Yes I will write when I feel moved regardless of all the naysaying question askers in my head!
I'm reading a book. I didn't got to a meeting. (shoot me!) I'm posting again... burying the previous post... (oh well, shoot me again!). Good grief a worry I lot! Crime-inee! The phrase that came to me just now, that demanded to be written... "As strong as the evil. So is the good." My thoughts on the meaning... so I was tortured and beaten as a child AND I was blessed by angels in measures that balance out. That is all for now. For some reason I was totally taken by surprise when the voice coming from the meditation app suggested that I select an intention for the day... what? something to do? no... I had to look it up. Fascinating... I love words. INTENTION noun 1. an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result. 2. the end or object intended; purpose. 3. intentions.
5. Logic.
7. meaning or significance: The intention of his words was clear. 8. the person or thing meant to benefit from a prayer or religious offering. INTEND verb (used with object) 1. to have in mind as something to be done or brought about; plan 2. to design or mean for a particular purpose, use, recipient, etc. 3. to design to express or indicate, as by one's words; refer to. 4. (of words, terms, statements, etc.) to mean or signify. 5. Archaic. to direct (the eyes, mind, etc.). This leads me to wonder about the definition of "Create"... and low the last bullet presents the circle... to intend is to create. Create... verb (used with object), created, creating. 1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes. 2. to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention. 3. Theater. to perform (a role) for the first time or in the first production of a play. 4. to make by investing with new rank or by designating; constitute; appoint 5. to be the cause or occasion of; give rise to 6. to cause to happen; bring about; arrange, as by intention or design So... long intro... what I intend to create today is freedom. Today the flavor of freedom on the docket is freedom from: WORRY verb (used without object), worried, worrying. 1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. 2. to move with effort: an old car worrying uphill. verb (used with object), worried, worrying. 3. to torment with cares, anxieties, etc.; trouble; plague. 4. to seize, especially by the throat, with the teeth and shake or mangle, as one animal does another. 5. to harass by repeated biting, snapping, etc. Antonyms for worry
So I know that intending something in the positive is more powerful... but contentment and peace seem vague as does joy and happiness. Cheer is nice... but still I'm choosing to intend No Worries... Don't worry... be happy. Every time I consider waste or not waste, efficient or not... every time I feel my soul resist or tug or stress or fret... breathe and SING! Don't Worry Be Happy...Here's a little song I wrote You might want to sing it note for note Don't worry, be happy In every life we have some trouble But when you worry you make it double Don't worry, be happy Don't worry, be happy now don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy Ain't got no place to lay your head Somebody came and took your bed Don't worry, be happy The landlord say your rent is late He may have to litigate Don't worry, be happy Oh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh don't worry, be happy Here I give you my phone number, when you worry, call me, I make you happy, don't worry, be happy) Don't worry, be happy Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style Ain't got no gal to make you smile Don't worry, be happy 'Cause when you worry your face will frown And that will bring everybody down So don't worry, be happy Don't worry, be happy now (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy Now there, is this song I wrote I hope you learned note for note Like good little children, don't worry, be happy Now listen to what I said, in your life expect some trouble When you worry you make it double But don't worry, be happy, be happy now don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy don't worry, don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, don't do it, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) put a smile in your face (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't bring everybody down like this don't worry (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) it will soon pass, whatever it is (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) don't worry, be happy (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh oo-ooh ooh oo-ooh) I'm not worried, I'm happy The Indian mystic and sage Meher Baba (1894–1969) often used the expression "Don't worry, be happy" when cabling his followers in the West.[5] In the 1960s, the expression was printed up on inspirational cards and posters of the era. In 1988, McFerrin noticed a similar poster in the apartment of the jazz duo Tuck & Patti in San Francisco.[citation needed] Inspired by the expression's charm and simplicity, McFerrin wrote the now famous song, which was included in the soundtrack of the movie Cocktail, and became a hit single the next year. In an interview by Bruce Fessier for USA Weekend magazine in 1988 McFerrin said, "Whenever you see a poster of Meher Baba, it usually says 'Don't worry, be happy,' which is a pretty neat philosophy in four words, I think."[6] Linda Goldstein, the song's producer, said the song gave McFerrin "the freedom to explore," adding, "He is a man of infinite, unfathomable, boundless voices and everything he has ever heard has gone into his brain, from the Mickey Mouse Club theme to the Metropolitan Opera."[ What game
shall we play today? Wiggle Jingle Pang what thoughts to play actions to bounce around today? it's all just so play today what would be most graceful most fun today? Just so? The spookiest day of the spookiest month, 2017. A day to remember like July 25, 2015 and April 14, 2014? The day a struggle rests or surrender truly begins. There's an odd quietness about it. No fanfare or celebration just a simple knowing that perhaps, finally, that phase is complete and a new beginning has commenced. "But it's early and I may be premature" the voice whispers... "Time will tell." I met with Dr. Matt yesterday. A reboot - again - on my wellness plan. I took my bike for a ride up and down a few steep hills and I fucking made it. Panting hard but I made it with joy, belting out songs from Fiddler on the Roof and West Side Story. Maybe I'll just be the "Euphonious Biker!" Friday the 13th... Something clicks or snaps closed The light from that other room has ceased The door, where it was a wall There is no going back I can no longer get there from here It's what I prayed for wished for, created Freedom from what was in that room the indecision internal torture never ending story moribund cycle spitting, gasping, clinging Not knowing why it stops or closes or shifts What removes the space from the room? There is only persistent repetitive failing attempts and the faith of experience that one day the space will return to me the victory in surrender The space I'm talking about, there, is the space in my head that is consumed with doubt, fear, self deprecating remarks. What creates the space is somethings else... a thought, a whim, a wish, an old behavior that doesn't work, an automatic something almost under thought somehow. It's a mindless something that takes over; like just suddenly noticing you've arrived and don't remember how you got there. Or realizing you already bought the liquor and the bottle is poised or the cigarette's in hand with smoke curling. That's why it's so hard to intentionally change it... it's subversive, buried, under ground. The exact cause is oddly just missing... a time warp. When that, whatever it is, is gone, there's a vacuum that briefly presents but it's not as intense as I've heard other people describe.. they HAVE TO DO something else, replace IT, find a substitute or surrogate. For me in this moment it's just quiet, serene, new and wonderful. I did experience the physical withdrawals but that was just a joyous reminder that I was free and a curious exploration of physical sensations. I'm very grateful this is "it" and if not, that's ok too. The Euphonious Cycler! I like it! Euphonious: adjective; pleasant in sound; agreeable to the ear; characterized by euphony: a sweet, euphonious voice. Can I use my past failures, mistakes, missteps and fuck ups as guidelines of what not to do for the future, because that sounds like a fantastic idea. Like I'm thinking of this for the first time... but there's the thing... It would mean admitting to myself that there are some bridges and relationships that will never be rebuilt. It would mean taking a long, hard look at what I did that lead me to those situations and why I never want to be there again. And that’s not easy work. That is gut wrenching, heart hurting, headache inducing stuff. Step 4, ya think?! It would mean REMEMBERING shit and my memory sucks! If I did remember, it would mean, require actually taking a moment to adjust for time and circumstances which are always different. It would mean I actually burn enough bridges to make it worth my while, which I don't. I can count on one hand the number of actual relationship burning bridges in my past... Hummm... As I was reflecting on the significance of all that happened during those few days at Elk Lake a message came to me... "Choice is marvelous but Decision sets you free..." Now that I write it, of course it seems fucking obvious... But the process of analysis paralysis had me sucked in with the Canon vs. Nikon and Lightroom vs, Photoshop so that I was overwhelmed and stopped. What I find especially interesting are the various elements I felt it necessary to consider. All opinions outside myself... what would Chris or experts think?, do I respect that person?, do I trust that person?, are they similar to me?, do I respect the quality of their work?, do I respect their perspective? All these questions circled around "an expert's" use of a program and gear because I quickly discovered the actual features of the products were amazingly and basically interchangeable or so subtle that given my amateur use would be materially unimportant. All that REALLY mattered was making a decision... WHAT I decided only mattered in so far as I was satisfied and happy with the final determination. Nothing is perfect so I the outcome was an interesting combination of kismet and coincidence... kismet: the Nikon stopped working and Coincidence: Bob knows Bridge and Camera Raw and was present in the moment to show me how it worked. It did help that it was easy (for me). So after all the toil and turmoil the decision has set me free. Since then I have put that practice to good use with the upgrades to my bicycle, my office space, my office organization. I'm a decision making machine. I bet I figured this out somewhere sometime in the past of this lifetime... which is why, like the 20th time I pick up the guitar, it feels so right. I just returned from a fabulous retreat. A retreat to a Lodge with no cell service and limited (very limited) WiFi... I've been there before, two years ago. It was only four days and three nights and an easy hour and twenty minute drive from home. Maybe it was the last five miles of dirt road... or the quiet... or the scenery... or the people? No need to analyze. Bottom line, I needed the break and I accomplished some serious, excellent decisions and lasting learning. The program was provided by Carl Heilman II Photography - Wild Visions Inc. (check Facebook) and the place was Elk Lake Lodge. I was tempted to hunker down in the lodge near the WiFi and write a couple of times and it just didn't happen. I got distracted by my photographs, the programs, the people, the amazing and breathtaking photo ops! I've attached just a few and will continue to post them as I get them processed. What shifted? And How?
A new leaf, that is. Yes, Again... what else is there to do, really?! I'm not even going to say what I turned over this time or why or when. I know the suspense is killing you all. Ha! What I'm present to is a recent visit to a medium who, once again, confirmed through channelling various relatives on the other side, things I already knew and am working on. I have a friend who is new to the whole idea of channeling and Runes, and Tarot, mediums, spirit animals and psychics, numerology - palm reading - fairy cards, stone power and tree talk, you get the idea. All this is new to her, completely, as amazing as that sounds. Talk about sheltered! =) Anywho, given the overwhelming "newbieness," I felt obliged to share a bit of my vast own experience that 99% of the valid and good messages received via those various methods usually served to confirm something I already knew. You have to be careful, obviously?, for screwballs and frauds just after your money... I trusted my gut and that didn't always work out, Ok back on "track" such as it is. I "happened" to tune into an episode of This American Life last night that brought me to tears and inspired me to research respectful ways of honoring our dead. The story by Miki Meek on the "One Last Thing Before I Go," was amazing! www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/597/one-last-thing-before-i-go That is all for now. For your eye for beauty... a fun garden option spill those pots
For your corny funny bone: LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS): 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 16. A calendar's days are numbered. 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. 30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects. I'm SO HAPPY English is NOT my second language! Yikes! Today is Monday, September 11, 2017. 16 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, It's a landmark that always takes me back to Venice Beach where I lived at the time and the fact that I didn't own a TV and had a beautiful and exciting photography 5 week European adventure planned for 10 days hence. I lived and thrived just fine without TV. I joined my friend, Jane, on her couch to watch the insane images of 9/11. What a crazy journey I've been on ever since. That was before my solo RV undertaking and every wonderful thing that has followed since... the NYC project, meeting Chris, starting my own business, taking responsibility for my drinking and smoking... so much has happened in eleven years! It makes me wonder and ponder and consider what my life may look like eleven years from now... 2028. I may actually want to consider creating some intentions...? Maybe a thoughtful option...? To do list item, that!
Anywho that is what comes to mind on September 11th of any year. Gratitude and reflections, wonder and amazement, analysis and inquiry. I'd like more good things... friends, beautiful days, wonderful food and animals and views and family, perhaps. Alignment with self and serenity and all the promises have to offer. I'm open and curious, not fearful or embarrassed. I'm very grateful and aware that my perspective on 9/11 does not include a personal experience of loss or sacrifice or tragedy. For this I am also grateful and extend my heart to those who still suffered then and may be hurting still. Allow There is no controlling life. Try corralling a lightning bolt, containing a tornado. Dam a stream and it will create a new channel. Resist, and the tide will sweep you off your feet. Allow, and grace will carry you to higher ground. The only safety lies in letting it all in -- the wild and the weak; fear, fantasies, failures and success. When loss rips off the doors of the heart, or sadness veils your vision with despair, practice becomes simply bearing the truth. In the choice to let go of your known way of being, the whole world is revealed to your new eyes. Danna Faulds So the poison ivy experience presented quite a journey of interesting exploration into a physical way of relaxing and being and letting it all "hang out" that I was not expecting. Odd and fun and weird and wonderful. Thare you go.... let your imaginations run wild with the details of that... or not. The transition from a full time insane project back to plenty of me free time is well underway. Each step moves me forward toward a much more pleasant and inviting way to spend my days. Grateful and wiser in many ways I'm looking at fall with new eyes again and playing with body speak. I'll say more and more as the days progress. For now what there is is gratitude and grace... photos - drawing - guitar - singing - comedy - gardens and gifts of conversations with new and future and past friends of all sorts. Hooray! "Heal Your Body, The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them" by Louise L. Hay First published in 1976. Thanks Louise! Problem: Poison Ivy Probable Cause: Feeling defenseless and open to attack. New Thought Pattern: I am powerful, safe and secure. All is well. Problem: Rash (I love this one... =) Probable Cause: Irritation over delays. Babyish way to get attention. ;-) New Thought Pattern: I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with the process of life. If you don't already have this book in your library, I HIGHLY recommend it. I've had it for years battered and beaten, replaced and shared. Once I diagnose a health "challenge" and go to the doctor and get drugs (only if absolutely necessary), I consult Louise's advice on how to address any underlying metaphysical causes. Can't hurt, right?! What's the harm in repeating... "I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with the process of life. I am powerful, safe and secure, all is well." Right!? If the shoe fits, great, if not, so what, move on. So I went weed pulling in the back yard Thursday afternoon... by Friday I noticed some small blisterish bumps between my index and middle finger on both hands. I had gloves on... I wasn't too worried. By Saturday I noticed itchy spots under my bangs and on my neck. FUCK! Growing up in Colorado I never came across any poisonous nasty plants. However, poison oak found me when I went hiking nearly every weekend at Thomas Aquinas College near the Los Padres National Forest (search Punch Bowls Ojai, CA). My roommate got blood poisoning, a scary dark line from her wrist up to her elbow. It never smacked me around too badly but I know the basics... do NOT take a hot shower... don't pop the blisters... don't scratch... apply calamine... rinse and repeat, the simple basics. So this time it's just a bit annoying and a reason to relax and take care of myself. Oh and NOTICE everything I touch and what touches me and be more aware of my body than ever! The gift of awareness, thanks poison ivy... or sumac or oak or whatever... I know what you look like, I'm onto you now. And I'm now OH SO aware of my every movement... sitting, standing, sleeping, walking... every move I make, basically. Holy Shit! Anyway, I went to urgent care because since my fav doc, Andrea Carrasco, changed her practice focus I haven't found a replacement primary care physician... The twenty something cute as a button urgent care doctor gave me a script for Prednisone... I normally would be heroic and martyr-like and tough it out with calamine lotion for a bit longer. Fuck that! I know this drill well enough to know I'd rather move on, the faster the better. I did mention to the sweet nurse, Darcy, (that checked my birthdate for the umpteenth time and verified I am who I am) that I needed a new primary and she happily and quickly recommended Maggie. Awesome. So I now have a new primary, already made the appointment. Thanks poison ivy... So the shit itches like fucking crazy god damnit! I'm just grateful it hasn't spread more and it should be gone in a few days. Nothing like a health or physical challenge or upset to force awareness and gratitude down your throat. Thanks again! |
Laurie Anne McCauleyDid that make you feel better? Intro
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on. LA McCauley Archives
September 2023
Fibber McGee's closet!
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