If you don't respect yourself, chances are somewhat slim that others will respect you. I have a recent experience with respect to try and express. What I noticed, what comes to mind straight away is the realization that I am conditioned to tolerate a pretty obnoxious level of disrespect.
Sometimes subtle, shrouded or later excused away or apologized for... it still seeps in and accumulates. I was aware of the accumulation of the individual incidents... of the feeling of lack of something missing... hard to put a finger on it. Flippancy? Dishonor? Contempt? Rudeness? Distrust? I looked the other way and gave my permission by making excuses for the abuser. I avoided and blamed myself, questioned my talents and skills.
Abuser... Bully... strong words - ideas - labels. I usually don't want to judge, but I do anyway. I am expressing my experience with the words that fit best. A person must have power to be a bully or abuser. You give them the power, at least I did. It seemed so incredible, so unbelievable... I must be wrong. There must be something wrong with my perception of the situation... she must be right because she's good and respected and spiritual and... and... and...
What did it take to snap me out of my ennui, my apathy? An absolute, unmistakable, undeniable accusation. An action and statement that stood on it's own without any of the previous evidence. So blatant and untrue that my response was guttural, unwavering and unconditional. No excuses could possibly explain this one. No amount of overlooking could get past this one statement. 8 words via text... "No more digging around and searching my documents."
Being a relatively newly minted emotionally expressive being... my physical reaction was wild... I was vibrating, literally and feverish and momentarily speechless and without thoughts. Dare I say boiling over and frozen at once? Maybe this is the "fight" portion of the famous fight or flight response I've heard so much about? I wasn't hurt or offended I was gobsmacked and flabbergasted and GOD DAMN PISSED OFF!
What do you do regarding a bully or abuser? I had a chance to explore the answer to this question... a friend advised... Disengage. Politely - Professionally walk away with your dignity intact and your head held high. This is exactly what I did. While I was dying to say a few things, to have the last word, to be understood and justify my reaction. I didn't. I've reclaimed my power and I'm happily processing this latest most interesting lesson about respect and tolerance, boundaries and excuses. How to listen more intentionally to my inner creature, my true self. And perhaps most importantly how to act in a way that is caring, responsible and sustainable.
My goal was to disengage with dignity and in such a way that there would be NO MORE THOUGHTS about it. No internal revolving carousel of reflection, attention, scrutiny of what to do or not do or what I did or didn't say... blah blah blah.
My objective, usurp the ultimate "evil" - self torture over the whole situation. Ultimately this situation was an incredibly gentle and loving way to assist me in identifying the abuser within. What an inconceivable souvenir, a grand take away! I now possess an attentiveness and fresh context around my own internal bully and tools to "handle" her with dignity, love and confidence. Thank you!
What shall I create this day to amuse and delight?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!