Follow that Thought

Dealing with feelings is messy business. I guess, more especially so, for anyone not accustomed to it. When I had unruly thoughts, spinning and run amuck my survival instinct said "KILL IT!"... "KILL IT NOW!"  As reasonable as that seemed at the time it is curiously and completely impossible. You cannot kill a thought and the more you try the stronger and more insistent and insidious it becomes. Shit!

So you can't kill a thought, this is true, but you can try by killing off the person who triggers the thought train. I've done this.. a family member with nothing happy to say, an old friend with very bad timing who has a tendency to be difficult on occasion is... They are no longer "on my radar." A nice way of saying I disowned them. It seemed a bit drastic at the time but worked for me. The thoughts I had such difficulty processing were easier to shuttle off to a dark quiet corner when the person wasn't staring me in the face or calling or emailing or texting. 

That's given me time, I guess, to become a bit more confident and practiced in dealing with emotionally charged situations a bit at a time... little by slowly. I was journalling yesterday and listed out the emotions/feelings that I was experiencing in regards to a specific person/situation I cannot avoid or shut down or move off to the dark corner. As I went down the list in intensity the experience shifted significantly...
*** Defensive
**Wary & Protective
**Cautious & Fearful
*Suspicious
**Annoyed & Angry
*Grateful & Appreciative
**Excited & Confident
**Empathetic

Of course I've heard that you should just "feel the feeling" then let it go.. as with so many brilliant and wise sayings it might as well be Greek until I manage to figure it out on my own. Here you go.. I followed the feeling/thought rather than trying to stuff it, which wasn't working anyway, and came to the strange conclusion that I was feeling grateful, excited, confident and empathetic. Quite a development and transformation from where I started with defensive, wary, fearful and angry.

What do I do with that? Let the thought/feeling play out each time it crosses the conscious mind or body theater? Perhaps skip to the end or at least remind myself at the beginning that it's going to turn out fine in the end. I HAVE NO IDEA... That would be what's up next to play with.

I do know it feels like progress. I have a method or path or way to begin to process the seeming amuck stuff inside my body/mind. Perhaps I'll give that family member or old friend a tentative call and reconnect... I do know I will be more understanding whenever anyone tells me they need "space." Yikes!

Cool word for the day... amuck
adjective 1. mad with murderous frenzy.
noun 2. amok. 
Idioms 3. run / go amuck,

1. to rush about in a murderous frenzy:
   The maniac ran amuck in the crowd, shooting at random.
2. to rush about wildly; lose self-control:
   When the nightclub caught fire the patrons ran amuck, blocking the exits.

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