Isolation

Isn't it funny... I'm feeling isolated and alone at the moment. This time last year I was complaining about making small talk. So if I'm surrounded by people that's one type of isolation and being actually physically alone that's another type of aloneness. I have begun to believe that being alone is really my preferred state. Chris is awesome, we share our aloneness with each other. Perfect.

OK let's restart this... a definition is a good place to begin. What is alone? 
Alone: separate, apart, isolated, solitary
Isolated: separated from other persons or things
Psychology: a person, often shy or lacking in social skills, who avoids the company of others and has no friends within a group.

I am speaking of aloneness in the last way, no friends within a group. There are various elements to explore... the idea that isolation is a choice. There is fear involved. There is a new skill set needed. You have to be vulnerable and open... surrender, I guess. Surrender is my motto so this is yet another way to put myself out there so to speak. I have a fear of being hurt. There is a history there. You can have a bad track record picking friends just like you would picking romatic partners. Pay attention to intuition! In my efforts to avoid being needy I seem to attract people who use me or are needy. Does that compute at some therapist level?

This whole conversation was ignited by a passage from Step 12, page 117 "A.A. had a very special meaning. Through it we begin to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don't have to be alone any more." I went out of my comfort zone and shared that I feel alone. It brought me to tears. Tears of sadness? Tears of relief? Not sure... I realized I wanted to hide as soon as I was done speaking. What would happen next? What would I say if people came up to me? How would it feel to be the subject of interest? Good grief!! The response was nice. Several women came up to me afterward and invited me to parties and/or shared their contact info with me. I reminded myself that I am safe and there's nothing wrong. Maybe I don't have to be so cyncial. Maybe there is someone that I can confide in and share with that I don't have to pay for their time. 

Expectations: I want to feel safe, respected, engaged, listened to, cared for, challenged, helpful, caring, respectful.

I want a chance to practice the rule... treat others as you want to be treated. 

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