It Doesn't Matter

The practice of pausing is paying off. I actually find myself in a moment of decision checking in with my "inner teacher" or "higher power." I've been so surprised to hear, frequently, "It doesn't matter."  This puts me in my place and helps considerably with my humility. I had this unreasonable expectation that with synchronicity and God winks everywhere... EVERY decision I made/make led down a magical path to a perfect outcome. Yikes, that's pressure! 

"It doesn't matter." Is the answer to many questions... Should I call so and so? Should I go to this AA meeting or that one? Should I email or write or meditate now? Should I buy this or that? Should I say something or stay still? The level of gravity of the questions is a reflection of the solitude, ease and simplicity of my life. YEAH! I've totally earned this effortlessness!

Who me, pretentious? A tiny bit pompous and grandiose? What? No! SLAP! Amazing how simple and unemotional the response in my mind appears, smooth and quiet, "it really DOESN'T matter... AND it's OK!" 

Occasionally I will get, if I continue to listen for just a moment longer... "but... It would be fun to..."
the suggestion is sometimes obvious and sometimes out of left field. Awesomeness.... 

When meditating the last few days I've been present to a lack of self confidence and the presence of a gray smoke-like saboteur. That's putting it nicely. The "piggy" of the Never Binge Again era seemed to return and rebel and fight and resist the "cage" prescribed for it. I proceeded to notice a very intense nasty feeling of not just a saboteur but real self HATRED... active and swirling and curious. 

PAUSE "It doesn't matter... but you may want to ALLOW it, EXPLORE it..." Really, that seems scary and odd. Shouldn't I try to whisk it away with some happy color or ignore it and hope it goes away of it's own volition?

​PAUSE... OH>>>> so here's a chance to practice what I fucking learned and actually ALLOW & EXPLORE...? OK... it's OK! The hatred is, of course, just fear I discovered. The fear is grounded in not feeling safe, for me. Understandable, completely, life is after all inherently NOT SAFE... right!? 

So as an exercise yesterday I went around all day saying to myself "I AM SAFE" or "YOU ARE SAFE"... every spare open space of thought. I paused to remind myself that I am safe. That is all. No long diatribe or explanation.  And how does that feel? Does that apply right now? To this english muffin? to this car ride? to this song on the radio? to this feeling or that comment? 

I'll continue this today and report back... ultimately "It doesn't matter... because no matter what, I AM SAFE!" Shit!

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